First: About This Blog
This blog was created in 2013 to tell the story…our story…of how God taught us, conservative, evangelical parents, how to TRULY love our gay son. The original Just Because He Breathes piece was written in December 2012 at the request of a small group of LGBTQ students at a conservative Christian university…it was never intended for a larger audience, but that is what happened; I’ve never edited it since the night I wrote it. I am so grateful that you’ve visited here to read our story and to learn more about how we, as loving parents, can deeply and tragically wound our children without ever intending to.
That said – Back to About Me
I now spend much of my time leading and coaching parents of LGBTQ+ children whose children have just come out, or who want to learn how to strengthen their bonds with their kids while reflecting the truly unconditional Love of God to them. My life is rich with purpose and meaning! God has helped me to find my calling, and I am so grateful.
If you’d like to listen to a much more extensive version of our story, it was filmed at Towne View Baptist Church in Kennesaw, GA in May 2022.
There is also a recording of my presentation from NorthPoint Church in Atlanta from May 2021, which does not include everything from my more recent presentation, but does include a Q&A time that I’ve told has been helpful for many parents.
You can also view our story as presented as part of the documentary For They Know Not What They Do, available on Amazon & iTunes.
Much love to each person who has found their way here…
Linda
Just Because He Breathes 
399 responses to “About Me”
I love you with ALL my heart and am truly blessed and honored that you are my sister! God is doing amazing things through you & Rob!
My name is Don also, and I am an uncle to 17 nieces and nephews. Now 56 years of age and raised in a traditional and medium class Catholic home, I struggled with my sexual-gay identity over many years. I am SO grateful for your sister and brother in-law’s story; and for all parents and family that can witness to God’s love for all creation and for the love that binds us through this life journey. I will delight in sharing this story forward – for the hope and faith of others facing this common story. I appreciate you, Linda and Rob . . and so many others ! for their blessings.
Can I say “Amen” to this? I love you, Mom.
there is an echo in here, I love you dearly, sweet friend!
Beautiful…just like your heart. I now understand why we are connected by our very souls. You are most comfortable being around people who are messy and broken. Amen! I love you and cherish our friendship.
Linda and Rob; My heart aches for you for your loss. Please do not beat yourselves up about this. One thing that I have come to realize is that faith is the foundation of religion, but religion is the corruption of faith. It is not faith that made you fearful, it is religion and other people’s interpretation of what they think God wants. Many, many folks seem to have forgotten that they can talk directly to Him and get the answers they need, even if it isn’t the answer they want. I am a 50+ year old gay man who has traveled the road that your son did. My father never came to terms with who I am. My mother, however, once she realized that it was not her fault that I was gay, came to acceptance. Because of how religious leaders of many different sects view me, I have abandoned religion. However I have my faith. And I truly believe that God and Ryan both love you deeply and hold nothing against you. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
Dad and I love you deeply and thank God for the beautiful woman of God you are. We are thrilled to watch as you have allow God to use your and Rob’s incredible pain for His glory.
I wish – I just wish so hard that my parents could love me like you guys love ryan and that they could learn what you have learned… thank you – i’ll keep praying – God is good…
Levi – I will pray with you. I know our journey took a LONG time…and Ryan’s grace toward us, when we were ready to start learning and really LISTENING, was a big part of our healing.
TONS of love to you, Levi…What a blessing it is that your Heavenly Father knows your name, and loves you FIERCELY!
I just wanted to say I was so moved by your story online today. I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful son, but thinking how proud any gay person would be knowing the work you and your husband are doing. As a gay man, I am always moved by the stories of parents talking to parents–and in your case to vulnerable kids.
You must be changing the World with your story. If you come to Atlanta ever, I will buy you a coffee. Jim Sacco
Deal, Jim!! Thanks for making me smile!!
Linda-You never cease to amaze me! God is moving in a mighty way through you and Rob. This just goes to show that we never know what God has in store for our lives.
SO TRUE, Gwen!! Who would have thought??
It reminds me NEVER to give up on anyone. Because God – and Ryan – could have easily given up on me. Aaaahhhhh…the gift of GRACE.
Tons of love to you, my friend!
As a Christian you’ve probably read this, but MERE CHRISTIANITY by Lewis is definitely something I would recommend to you.
Thanks, Robert! I have read it before, but I can ALWAYS use another Mere Christianity re-read!!
This post is a beautiful prayer.
I agree with Lindsey: “AMEN”
Thank you for sharing your life with us, Linda.
Patricia
Thank you, Patricia! I have never thought of it that way…Now I will see it – and pray it – anew!
Just read your artice on HuffPost and I hope parents and those who in general have others in their lives who they love and face someone coming out to them are touched by your post. Sorry for your loss. I plan on passing your story on to my sister who is a mother herself and whom I had a falling out with cause of beliefs and similar religious point of view when I came out my family and not until we didn’t speak for a long time did she contact me and it was low point in my life. She was my older sister, always looked out for me and my sibling like a second mother, so her not being in my life was evident in all aspects. I remember asnwering the phone during that bad day I was having, not recognizing the number and almost blocking it but instead I answered out of frustration and my tone in my “hello” was uninviting and unfriendly. All I heard on the other was her saying “hey” in her unique, recognizeable, friendly and caring tone that was totally her. I was sitting down when I had answered the phone luckily enough because when I instantly heard her hello, I didn’t have to ask to who it was, I just exhaled and started crying on the phone. She, without missing a beat, took up her old place as the nurturing, protective sister I’d known her to be, not the religious, faith bound person she had become, which by the way, being Christain myself I respected about her. She said ” I don’t know what you’re going thru right now. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve talked, but I heard from mom you’re going thru somethings and I just want you to know I love you and I’m sorry for not being there for you. Everything’s going to be okay, hang in there”. So I know that was a long story, but point is, I cherish that moment with her more than anything or anyone else I’ve come out in my life. You’re story reminded me of that. I’m not a parent but I hope to be one day and I hope that I can instill both my love for God and his patience and growth in me the same way you and your husband have on your family. I also hope that by her, my sister, reading your story does the same with her kids.
Though I don’t know you personally I do want to say thank you, that I love you and your family for being the parents you are to help other parents let God open their hearts to his possibilites thru your experience.
God bless you and your family. Thank you.
I am astonished at the honesty and understanding you have shared with us all. I WAS RYAN… I loved my parents so much, and loved JESUS so much, but could never understand why he, or his FATHER, would not change me and let me be the man I had to be to continue to be loved by those I loved so much. I PRAYED… and PRAYED.. and PRAYED… and all Jesus would ever tell me was that this was who I was meant to be, and that HE would never abandon me. I have been blessed with a family that embraced me and friends that have never left me, which is amazing considering that I was confronting this in the early EIGHTIES. I have worked with many gay kids since then… and hope, and believe, that I have made them understand how truly deserving of love and life they are. BUT… and I can only say this on this anonymous site… I still struggle with myself daily. And I have turned to alcohol to deaden the pain. I have more love than any man in the world, yet left my twenty year relationship because I have never really believed I am “RIGHT”. Your story has awakened something in me… I am a beautiful, loving, creative man… and I will kick this and remember RYAN every day… knowing he would do anything to be here still and have my opportunities, and that you would do anything to have him here. THANK YOU… and KNOW.. that your words make a difference.
jackson
I don’t even know how I stumbled upon your tribute to your son, but it was God’s will that I did! I will not go into my details of how your story has brought me new light with my own child/parent struggles. It is very apparent to me that God brought your beautfiul son back to you for 10 glorious months! I know you find peace knowing that Ryan and you will be returned to each other in our Fathers glorious home. I believe that Ryan left you too soon becasue he is doing his special work for God, in Heaven. By what you are doing here, I believe you have been blessed to feel peace knowing that his job here was done – Ryan has more important work that God desired of him in Heaven. Thank you and may God continue to shower you with grace and peace!
Touched by your post….we lost our Alex on July 14th, 2008. I know the torment you go through, except I do not have God to help me. I feel lots of the guilts you feel, just for different reasons. I am sorry for your loss of Ryan, and the troubled life he led. Hugs to you mom, and dad, and all those hurt by this tragic story. We need each other. Losing a child is a living nightmare. I am glad you are sharing his story and helping others. Love, Carol Teehee
Hi Linda! Trials are meant to build resiliency of faith and strength of character. I was devastated and angry at God after my second miscarriage in a row. I prayed, trusted, and believed that I would give birth to a healthy baby, but it didn’t happen. I went into a downward spiral, blaming God for my misfortunes and I contemplated suicide. Ultimately and graciously, He clearly showed me my unbelief and lack of faith. I became truly justified and sanctified through the Spirit. Not long after, I experienced my third miscarriage (still no children), but this time I was able to trust that God had a bigger plan that still remains unseen. I was disheartened to read the comment section under your Huffington Post article. People were bashing Christianity left and right calling it “religion.” But Jesus is very anti-religion. It’s about the heart, the repentance of sin, and the surrendering of one’s life to use for His will and purpose. I can’t imagine what your grief is like, but I have lost a dear grandparent who was not a Christ follower and it tore me up inside. My parent’s are unbelievers. Every single day I have to face the reality that they may be lost, but I continually pray for the Spirit to work within their hearts to move them. It’s out of my control. They may respond, they may not, but God is sovereign and that comforts me. I would implore you to stay firm in the Word and do not be swayed by the lies of this world. You may never know why things occurred this way, but stay strong in the faith of what the Lord is doing in your life and in your heart. Strengthen yourself through the truth of His Word. There is pain in this world, but He has promised that “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Things can seem confusing, know that the only real truth and comfort comes from the Lord. Reading your story brought these verses to mind immediately. Luke 14:25-27 Here is an explanation: http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/42-195/the-extreme-nature-of-true-discipleship-part-1
I will pray for you and your family…that the grief will lessen and that the Lord will show you His will and purpose through these devastating events. Much love. Holly
Hi Linda:
First, thank you so much for creating this blog and sharing yourself and your son with the world. It is because of people like you and your story, that one day, I hope to never have to do the work I do any longer as The Coming Out Coach. Bless you and this experience. There are no mistakes in life, only beautiful lessons to grow from. I too have battled the faith battle within myself and my family. Within myself, I am at peace. With my family, we are at peace with conditions attached. I’m ok with that too. For me it is about love and even in the face of ‘agreeing to disagree’ I am compelled to be at love and in love with those who embrace me as well as those who stand against me.
Your story is an inspiration and will touch all those who open their minds to read it.
Much love and positive energy.
Rick, The Coming Out Coach
Linda & Rob, Your story resonates with many of us who have traveled down similar roads! Thank you for bringing your message to others!
Michael
Linda, I came across Ryan’s story today via the Huff Post on AOL, and I have been so touched. I watched the video (in tears) of you and Rob at your CA conference on June 20, 2013. Thank you SO much for sharing Ryan’s story with the world…I am so proud of you. I am a Christian gay male as well, although I have not “struggled” with it as others have. Although my entire family would accept me, I have decided not to “come out”. I am 35 and think that my sexuality doesn’t define me. I have known at a very young age that I was gay. I have decided to keep this to myself, and I have come to terms with it. I know that I am a child of God, and that he loves me NO MATTER WHAT. I have faith in that. I wish I could have met Ryan. I know someday in Heaven I will get that chance. Just know that I, along with MANY others, are praying for you and your family…as well as Ryan!!! As a Christian who loves Jesus with all that I have…I want to say THANKS for spreading the word of Love and acceptance. God Bless you, You are making Ryan SO proud!!! – From Kalamazoo, MI.
I didn’t read your book, I did read about your son on AOL…My heart goes out to you, I have gay relatives & friends & yes, it did take me a long time to accept their lifestyle. But the main reason I am replying is because I to lost sons. My 2 youngest sons died together in a car accident in 1991…ages 26 & almost 22. I feel your pain as I live it everyday. But life does go on, it took me many years to accept their death…I do but when I get to Heaven I have one question: “WHY?” If the answer isn’t acceptable I’m leaving! I will say a prayer for your son & your family in my nightly prayers…May he RIP
Someone posted a link to the HuffPost Gay Voices article featuring your story. I cried.
I cried because I lived through this. Through the pain your son went through. For being rejected as a homosexual woman by my church, pastor, friends. By Jesus and God. But I was embraced by drugs and hatred and fear and when I decided I could end my life and end the misery I cannot tell you how peaceful I felt. I felt so sad that I was letting God down once again. But there was an answer, so I thought. I remember the night clearly, and I remember the last thing I said to God before I slipped into a coma, “Dear God I won’t ask for your help or forgiveness. I just want to say I am sorry for who I am.”
But I survived, by the grace of God, I made it through. That was 21 years ago, and I have been out, clean and sober, and still in love with God and Jesus and life. I still feel deep shame when I am around my pentecostal family, whom I love very much but cannot talk to, and some of my Mormon family as well. I do not talk with my father who is a Jehovah’s Witness. All because I refuse to lie about who I am, how I am.
I am so very sorry your son had to die. I am so very grateful that you have done what you are doing with the experience. The pain and the grief and the loss may never go away, but thank you for not hating. For not bashing homosexuality. For not using God or Jesus as a way to destroy and hate. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being truly Christian people. You give me hope.
And you, K, give us a reason to keep sharing…in spite of all the people who are condemning us for doing so. THANK YOU!
Dear Linda,
With tears running down my face I read your and Rob’s story of Ryan. What you’ve shared should be included in “Parenting a Gay Child 101”. It would help many parents through the uncharted territory of their child’s coming out.
Forty years ago, when I came out, my divorced parents had polar-opposite reactions. My mom, a born-again Christian (formerly Catholic), wasted nearly 6 years spouting hell fire and brimstone at me before she got the idea that she should simply love me. If she had possessed your knowledge and grace I wouldn’t have had to ostracize her from my life in order to preserve my emotional sanity.
Fortunately, my father, a non-practicing Catholic, and his second wife provided me with the love and understanding I needed at that time. I was blessed to have them on my side, so to speak.
The world needs more people like you. Please continue to share your message.
With love,
Martin (a former Seattle-Tacoma native)
WOW! What encouraging words, Martin! So thankful that YOU found Grace!!
Wow. Your words are so right on. Powerful message. Thank you for sharing your heart, your raw honesty, and your son’s story. Your story has touched me deeply. So very sorry for your loss.
Linda…I too have a gay son and I love him dearly!!! Thank you so much for sharing your story! We do have to love people and not judge them. Prayers are with you and your husband…Melissa
You have grown spiritually, though the path has been painful. This is what life is about here in this world, I think, learning that we are Soul and that Soul is the child of God. It is Soul that is made in God’s image and Soul that possesses the very same attributes as God. You understand that God’s love is like the sunshine, it shines on and sustains us all, unconditionally. The strain of Christianity that is (often) being practiced here in the U.S., the one where certain folks claim an intimate knowledge of what God likes and dislikes (imagine that, when looked at in this way we know it is a vain and foolish notion) is tearing us apart. If I had to speculate I would tell you what you already know: Ryan is Soul, “he” has been since creation, since before “he” wore the body that was Ryan. He is Soul, now and forever more. He, perhaps, came here with a mission to help you open your heart to more of God’s love, and he is just fine. Indeed, you miss him sorely and always will, but you will be together again in another time and place, perhaps in different guises. You are strong and brave to share your heartbreaking story. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
Peace to your souls! What a beautiful way to speak about truth and growing and changing and loss Love is love and sometimes we get so caught up in “what’s important” that we forget what is REALLY important. I believe God made us all in his image and that the image includes different sexual preferences like it includes different haircolor. We are meant to be who we are. So Speak out in love – your words can CHANGE the world at a time when change is desperately needed. I mourn with you for the loss of your beautiful child. I am glad you got a chance to be with him before he left. I hope your story remains a beacon of light – keep sharing it! GRACE! Again – I send peace ❤ Margo
Hi Linda, yesterday I sat with my 18 year old daughter and we wept together watched you and your husband tell you amazing story. You see, I myself have not one but two identical twin brothers, (my baby brothers whom I adore), that are also gay. I myself am also a christian and about 2 years ago I was so happy that one of my twin brothers began to go to church with me and my family. He accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior and I couldn’t be happier. But then, the church that we attended started judging, posting things on social media regarding homesexuality, that they knew for sure my bother would read. My brother was able to ignore it for a little while, but then the pressure to become straight became too much for him to bare. He stopped going to church, and while he still loves God and thankfully is doing well, he pretty much has given up on church, but, thankfully, he has not given up on God. The problem that I am having is that I have 3 beautiful girls, Alyson, who is 18, Felicity who is 13 and Kaylee who is 8 and they have tons of questions as to why the people who are preaching the word of God, the God that they know is all forgiving and full of nothing but Love, are preaching such hatred and are so judgemental. I often find myself angry as well, because I really do love my brothers just because they breath. How do I explain this to my girls? The last thing that I want is for them to turn from God for not accepting their uncles.
God bless!
Marria
Marria,
Thank you so much for sharing…what an incredible mom and sister you are!! Keep clinging to JESUS…listen to HIM…no matter what other Christians are saying. I have had so many of your questions!
Subscribe to this blog: http://julierodgers.wordpress.com/ and Rachel Held Evan’s, as well.
Thank you for your thoughts…I hear so many other parents and siblings saying the same thing…perhaps I will blog on my journey thru these questions in the near future.
Most of all, just keep seeking God and close out the other voices…He is big enough to speak to you and show you the way you should go!
MUCH love to you!
I was the gay teen who chose being gay over God, but he never left me and eventually sent me a partner who is a Christian. I was confirmed when I was 40 and he is at a church meeting at the moment. God knows me and I know him to. As another gang of four, the Beatles said – All you need is love.
😀 this is GREAT!
Linda
– I am so sorry and pray for you, Rob, a and your entire family’s loss. Words can’t describe how much it hurts so I won’t bother with that, but I can’t help from tendering to you my sincere condolences and genuine sorrow for Ryan and both of you. I’m am a 26 year old gay man, and I struggle every single day, and some days I have no idea how I’m going to find the strength to get out of bed tomorrow and do it all again, I still don’t. I was brought up in a Christian family and I went to church regularly, bible school, and prayers at bed time. Luckily I have re-found my faith, and it helps but it was a struggle.
-Even as a young child I knew something was different about me, I didn’t know what it was I just knew something was different. As I approached 7 & 8th grade I began to get of idea of what might be going on with me. In high school, I came to grips with the fact that I’m gay, and it did and still does sometimes scare me more than any other fear or terror in my life. I’m still afraid, not so much of other people, but of my family and friends, and especially of God in cases. I never acted on anything in high school or before, I was petrified. I attended one dance in high school, that’s it, I’ve still never been to a prom. I was very busy with extracurricular’s and covered with that, I dated girls, to cover with that. I never told a soul. I couldn’t have been more scared, afraid, depressed and confused by the fact that the God that created me and also hated me for something I did not choose, can not help, and have no control over. It just can’t be that simple, but when everyone around you is saying so, the noise gets loud enough to were you can’t ignore it. Why would God have created me if he always intended to hate me. I came to the conclusion that, I was a walking wrong, and a living symbol of abomination and I would have to live as such every day. I prayed every day and still sometimes do for forgiveness of what I am. Why me? Why? My thoughts got dark enough that I couldn’t get out of bed, or leave my bedroom in order to not do God wrong, I had to stay inside and be a prisoner in my own body. Then the thoughts of how do I get out of this came, there was a solution, there was a way out, if I did it right it would be quick enough, I even had the tool to do it and held it in my hands. I grew up on a farm so you can imagine what kind of hunting equipment I was holding, and pointed it at my self. You might call it a blessing in disguise, but I have a very large extended family that is very caring and loving, the (then)down side and (now)up side to it is with such a large family I’ve seen the inside of a funeral home and far to may grave site ceremony’s, and I’ve watched dozens of times how grief cripples a person and families. The couple times I came to the solution, the most convincing road bock was that I would be guilty of causing just as much pain, heart break, and grief in death as I would in life. I faced that, something had to change soon, I couldn’t look at that everyday.
-The change I realized(then), was that I could not change what I was, but I could change what I believed and thought. So I didn’t exactly throw God and Christ out, but I did deliberately forget about the majority and possibly all of them. Up until this point my faith in what I believed was not an interment of grace or salvation, it was an instrument of torture to me. So I just forgot it ever happened. But then again I would be challenged yet again with my faith later. I went to college at a large Big 10 university with 40,000 other students many of whom were godless and pursued academic and monetary paths instead of faith so it was easy for me to hide there. But I was challenged again with the fact that without a faith I and many of those others were living a hard, cruel, busy, and pointless existence, there was no point to any of life. Then the biggest hurdle of my life came, and again there is a silver lining/blessing in disguise. I was on a golf course the evening before first day sophomore year at college, and someone with the university provost’s office called my cell phone and asked my exact location and that I was not to move from there until they get to me. Sophomore year started the next morning so I knew I couldn’t have been in trouble yet for any fraternity shenanigans. The provost came up the cart path and as they approached my brother called my cell phone, I told him someone from the Provosts office wanted to talk to me and I had to go. My brother said “I know why they’re there”, I was confused and scared now. The provost walked up and asked my roommate if I was on the phone with my brother, and I became even more scared. Andy told me “Dad was in a car accident and he’s pasted away”, I said “Andy this isn’t funny I just talked to Dad an hour ago”, he started crying and said “I’m so sorry” I grabbed the Provost’s shirt collar and fell to the ground.
-Earlier that day something good happened to me and I got my phone out to call my mom, but for whatever reason and because of what I can only describe as direct divine intervention, I accidentally called my Dad. My dad was a businessman that almost never answered his phone no matter who it is and everyone goes to dads voicemail, “if its important they’ll call back” he would say. But I realized I misdialed and almost hung up, but he answered on the first ring, which was almost unheard of. We talked for a while and we didn’t say it very often but that day before we hung up, Dad said “hey I want to tell you something” ok Dad what? He said ” hey, I love you”, I love you too Dad. I was the last person to hear his voice and the last words he said was “I love you”. When I put all of this together days later, I had never before believed so strongly in my faith in God, Christ, and the greater universal powers out there. Dad was the most caring, loving, friendly and genuinely benevolent man I’ve ever met. Burring him was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. That guy was loved and respected by all, he was everybody friend, everybody didn’t matter how much of a stranger you were or even if you were his son, everybody was “buddy” to him, he never met a stranger and would give you the shirt off his back. With what I can only describe and a legitimate miracle that slapped my in the face, I had found my faith again and never believed so truthfully and faithfully. I realized that there is a bigger picture out there, and that what I believe to be true may not be exactly what man has previously said about God, and just because man says it about God does not make it true or set in stone. Because as I come to better understand my faith in God and Christ everyday, they dwell within me and I in them and my faith and what I believe far supersedes anything that man had said about God and Christ, and that there are many paths to God, not one specific road with one set of specific directions. I finally felt loved, I finally felt human, I was not flawed, there was nothing wrong with me, it’s a very liberating and comforting feeling of grace that allows me not to live life without a constant dark cloud of abomination above my head.
-Through college I didn’t tell anyone I was gay, I had re-found my faith but I was still scared of loosing friends and people treating me differently and ultimately loosing friends and family. Then I graduated and got a good job, and everyone stated getting married and having kids. Great I have to relive this stuff all over again like high school, where your date Spence? Why didn’t you come? When are you getting married or even going to date? So I met someone who was special to me and very slowly I started not coming out, or as call it telling the truth. And one by one my friends amazed me, “ya I kinda thought you might be, but I love you anyway now lets get some dinner and drink like we were in college again”, it was awesome and I have great friends. Then I moved onto family starting with the most distant cousins who are my friends and practically as close a siblings, they were great about it. Then one day I was at a big beer festival with a group of mixed college and after college friends some gay some not, and my mom who I lived with at the time since I was only a year out of college texts me” where are you?” I told her and her next text was, “where are you really?” I told her again and said I just said that why are we having this conversation? Next text from Mom “I got on your laptop and read your emails”. I could have blown up, I could have yelled and screamed, what good would it have done? I still hurt badly from the trust she broke and the fact that she deliberately took away from my most fearful secret, which from her tone and actions were not done in love but in spite. She just didn’t care that I was deeply hurt. So I text back. ‘ Ok well in that case I’m gay, and if its a problem I’ll be home tomorrow and moved out before Monday morning”. She texted back ” You’re not going anywhere, but I don’t approve, and don’t tell anyone”. Great this again. I come home, crying, and she did all the talking about how scared she is, and how I don’t need to tell anyone, and I just need to be quite and basically I became a prisoner again. She still sometimes calls and asks where I am, and if she knows the people I’m with but doesn’t want to know their names or who they are, and I just don’t think it works like that. I want her to know who I am and about my life, but it is not a selective process, you don’t get to be involved in the parts of my life you approve of and ignore the other parts and act like they’re not important. You’re either involved or not, and right now she’s pushing to not wanting to be involved, not interested and as a result I feel shunned, unwanted and love is an empty code word for the fact that we share genetics. I graduated from a great and fairly prestigious university despite my high school guidance councilor tell me I wasn’t cut out for college, I got a good job and pay all my bills. I’m involved with my church and community, I attend family holidays, am always around for my nieces events with presents in hand. I’m a clean cut, clean living with the exception of too much drinking on only occasional weekends(all my fraternity brothers fault) that outwardly you can’t tell is gay and dress like any other middle income, white collar guy in khakis and a polo shirt. Mom gets anything from flowers, spa days, pedicures, shopping cards etc from me on her birthday, mothers day, and Christmas which I’ve never forgotten.
-Just what is it I have to do to get her approval and earn her love, to get her to want to be involved? Because this whole thing of being treated like a child that is doing something bad isn’t working and gets harder and harder every day, and I’m trying not to be mad and understand she needs time. And her actions and words are bringing back my dark clouds and my dark thoughts and I know those things are not healthy or good. But when is it all going to be enough? Or will it ever be enough? What if I have someone special I want to bring to a family holiday or dinner?Do I have to relive this process again, is there actually something wrong with me? Will it ever be ok?
I’m sorry for rambling, but I’m not sure who or where else to get any guidance on this topic, I don’t know what the answers are, and something has to get better soon because as you and I have seen a person can only bare so much before we’re overwhelmed.
Bless You
SM
SM, forward the blog post of Linda telling their story to your mother. Let her know how you feel
My husband and I came very close to losing our son because he was afraid to tell us he was gay because of our religious beliefs. But when faced with the choice of our son taking his life or accepting and loving him, we chose the latter. She loves you, but she is scared. I have faith in a mother’s love, if she knows how badly you are hurting, she will come around. I am going to pray that God will soften heart and that she will accept all of you.
Rhonda
I just came across your story. Your story could have been our story. I have spent the last hour crying because I can so relate. I too am a Christian mom with a gay son. I have struggled with what I have always been taught in church and read in the Bible. This is my conclusion, God’s grace IS sufficient and as you said He is bigger than all of this. Thank you for sharing your story.
I first off would like to send my deepest condolences for the loss of your son. I can not say I have ever felt that pain. But I can say I have felt the pain of being a lesbian and facing family members who would not accept me. I am 41 years old, spent much of my life looking to be accepted. I tried living a normal life by most of society’s standards, by that I mean I was married and did attempt to have children. My marriage lasted a little over ten years but was never what I truly wished for in life. I waited until I turned 32 to be honest and come out to those around me. My friends already knew, people I went to school with already knew, my parents figured it out. But both my parents had a hard time accepting me. After years of fighting my mother finally realized this was not something she did and not something she should be blamed for. Apparently many people told her it must have been her fault and something she did to cause it. My father unfortunetly never accepted this and we haven’t talked in going on seven years now. At this point in my life I have a partner, we have been together going on six years now. My partner has two boys ages 12 and 16, they are amazing guys and accept their mother and myself just as a normal couple. I read your story and I wanted to thank you, because you have given me hope that there are still some very amazing people left in society. I see entirely to much negative things going on and sometimes it makes me wonder about society and the children whom are our future. I myself am not a Christian, but I do believe in a higher power and I believe if I was not meant to be this way, I would not be. When asked the classic question, why did I choose this lifestyle. My answer is simple, I did not choose this lifestyle, I chose to be honest with who I am. I can tell you once I acknowledged who I was, I became happier than I have ever been. Thank you so much for having an open mind and making an attempt at understanding how hard our lives are. I greatly appreciate you and your family even though we have never met, simply because you are good, positive people and I thank you for not being the close-minded ignorance that I encounter so much in my daily life. Thanks so much for sharing your story, it warms my heart and I wish there were more individuals out in the world such as yourselves.
Your amazing story is being passed through Facebook, and it touch my heart and soul at its deepest level. Your family slide show shown with the song “You are perfect”, well, was perfect. My heart is now overflowing with only love for you and your beautiful family….and all of humanity! Blessings xo
Linda –
Your family’s journey in faith is so profound. I happened across your story (and video) through the Huffington Post and tried not to be distressed over the comments that “blamed religion.” You said it best when you remarked that your early decisions were based on fear. That is what so many of us do, regardless of religion, regardless of the challenges we face.
I am a Catholic who chooses to base my decisions on my faith, not on what religions leaders tell me. I believe at the core of every religion is love . . . but as humans we often interpret and/or act from a place of fear. I have a choice to decide what my faith means — I choose the same faith that led Mother Theresa and countless other faithful people of all religions to simply love our brothers and sisters in humanity. The way to serve God is to serve others – no matter who they are. It is my deepest prayer that all of us choose love over fear and be willing to show compassion by not only our words, but our actions. Am I willing to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, offer respite to those in pain, and discard judgment and fear? I pray to be that kind of soul on this earth. You have demonstrated the power of faith over fear. Because of you and your dear son, I am deeply touched and even more committed to make compassion towards all humanity THE guiding principle in my practice of true faith.
Thank you, Barbara, for your GRACE. It came through your every word! And we ALL desperately need grace!
You guys have gone through some hard times with this. It’s never easy. I don’t know that it ever will be. I’m glad that you’ve learned to cherish the wonderful moments that you had with your son. I’m glad that you came to the understanding that love is the only answer. Your story is doing wonders. You can see it all over. Thank you for your understanding and your advocacy. Thank you for being great parents. I have a good feeling that your son was extremely happy in his last days; and he owes that to you. Again, thank you for sharing.
Sincerely,
Another gay son
I am a Gay man , my sexuality is who I am. I do not need Jesus, God or the Church to approve of who I am. It is sad to see how the beliefs in Christianity can destroy life. These people had a Gay brother that they loved, but could not accept their gay son, how confusing is that. It just shows how your belief system can cloud your judgment. God gave us a brain use it. Maybe some of you folks should give yourself a break from Christianity and sober up for a year or two to get your head “Straight” .
Linda, I was so moved by your story and I am amazed at the journey you have been on to fully accept your gay son. I wish I could give you a hug. My story and the story of other families who have struggled with having a gay son/daughter was featured in a documentary called For the Bible Tells Me So. http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org. It was released in 2007. You will likely identify with several of the stories in the film. It was wonderfully done, and I hope you have the opportunity to check it out someday. Your family is an inspiration to so many and you have touched the lives of so many people. I so admire what you doing and for being so open about it– I know other families who are struggling will find tremendous comfort in your story. THANK YOU!
We have it! Thank you, Chrissy, for sharing YOUR story…what an encouragement!
My heart aches for you, your family, and for your lost son Linda. I am the mom of three boys – grown twins, and a much younger teenage boy. We too are Believers – I grew up attending a conservative and traditional church, yet I really didn’t “know” God until about 10 years ago, when my husband and I gave our lives to Christ after going through a horrendous period of time that nearly destroyed us. We got invited to attend a much more evangelical church to worship, and we stayed there for five years. We did learn a lot, and we built a faith so strong that nothing will ever lead us from the Lord, however as for “religion”, we left our church after we found our pastor and a number of the church leaders becoming more and more judgemental, including among other things, having the pastor tell us that we could simply pray for someone and “they will no longer be gay, God will fix them of being evil”. We do maintain a very strong faith, however we know that we do not have to be in a church to love the Lord.
Linda, only one of my three boys in married. The thing is, that one son is the boy I have suspected of being gay since he was only two years old. There were signs, some small and some big, and even my own mom, who is a conservative Christian herself, spoke to me back when my son was a toddler, saying she also suspected he was going to grow up to be gay. We were totally surprised when that son had girlfriends starting at the age of 14. We were almost shocked when he announced he was getting married, which he did three years ago. Now he and his wife are trying to start a family. So, from the point of view of my former pastor, this has all worked out, right? God answered our prayers, that our son not grow up to be gay, right? No necessarily, things are not always as they appear. Through all of this, my husband and I, and even our sons twin brother, have said nothing to my married son about his sexuality or his choices. We have patiently sat by and minded our business, after-all, he is very successful in his career, and his life is “on track”, so I should be happy about my son and how his life is. Yet inside, I know this is not the truth of who my child really is. I know I am going against what the bible tells us is “right”, but I cannot help but feel sadness some days when I am with my child, because I know in my heart, that he is doing what he feels is the right thing to do, and in doing that, he is not being truthful to himself, to the person he actually is. So when one of my friends from our old church expressed to me how “happy” she is that my child “got strightened out by God”, I looked at her and said, “How do you know he needed to be strightened out? Perhaps the point of this in my own life, was to test my acceptance of others, to test my love, afterall, doesn’t God say that LOVE is the biggest rule we need to live by? Loving God, loving ourselves, and loving others – just the way they are? Otherwise, I am just judging people, and only God has that right.” I had to say that, because although this friend touts “straight” relationships to everyone with ears, I know that she too has a son who is likely gay. She is simply in denial. In the end, if this is the life my son chooses to live, then that is his choice, but if he one day comes to me and says his marriage is over because he is gay, I will not be surprised, nor will I be upset. My son is my son, and I love him no matter what choices he makes. He is a believer, he knows God, and he is doing the best he can do with the soul God blessed him with. I only wish you had been blessed sooner with the gift of acceptance, before you so tragically lost your child. I commend you for going forth, and telling your story. Never doubt it – your words will impact lives, and perhaps even save one:) On the topic of drug addiction, I lost my cousin to a drug overdose two days after Easter Sunday of this year – her own dad passed away ON Easter Sunday, after a brief battle with cancer. The next day, Easter Monday, was her birthday, and on Tuesday she overdosed. And this Saturday we will hold a memorial for one of my neices, who also battled a drug addiction, and was murdered over drug money three months ago. We are still searching for her remains. I understand your pain, and my heart is with you:) God Bless you and your family……
I have been so moved by your story. Thank you so much for sharing. I think the fact that Ryan came out to you so young really speaks to what a truly loving relationship you had with him, and how he knew you would love him no matter what.
The song/video that was attached to the huff post article is so moving and really speaks to me. I am 32 years old, and just started the process of coming out. Sometimes I need reassuring that I am still loved by those who I know love me the most. I have not told my parents yet, but when that time comes I plan to direct them to your blog. Thank you again for sharing your story, you are so brave for opening yourself to all the critics who are out there. This story has changed my life.
Steve, you just MADE my day. Thank you for knowing, unlike so many, that we ALWAYS loved Ryan. But we were misguided and led astray by fear…Thank God that we had the chance to ask his forgiveness and that he gave it in spades. He was one of the most loving, gracious and kind individuals I have ever met. I miss him. Thanking God for you, and praying for YOU today, my friend.
Linda, I just read your story on Huff Post and wanted to commend you on your bravery. You’re going to read lots of hurtful comments following your article (actually, I hope you don’t read them), but please know that there are many other Christians like yourself who do not want to judge you — just love you. In my faith journey I have come to believe that God’s message is really very simple — love one other — but we have distorted it horribly in our sinful human way. Thank you for turning your personal family tragedy into a talking point that many people need to come to terms with. Thank you for showing that you can still be a Christian and not be anti-gay. God’s love and blessings to you.
Lisa
P.S. Here’s an article you may find helpful in responding to more legalistic Christian arguments: http://johnshore.com/2012/04/02/the-best-case-for-the-bible-not-condemning-homosexuality/
Bless you, Lisa! I can’t EVEN begin reading the Huff Post comments…my mama’s heart is still way too tender, especially since four years ago today we were in the ICU with Ryan, in the last 17 days of his life. Thank you for understanding my heart! And for your encouragement!! I will read! 🙂
Linda, I read the article about your dear son and my heart ached. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was angry when I read how you initially responded to his coming out to you. However I realized that I my anger came from a place all too familiar . My father treated my brother horribly as a kid and teen when my father suspected he might be gay. As a young child I witnessed this and promised myself I would never treat my child like that. Well I am blessed with an artistic ,fashionable and loving son who I suspect may be gay. My take on god is he wants us to be happy and healthy. To care for one another and to love each other. Although I am catholic by birth I believe it ti be a very hippocritical religion. More priest rape and molest in the catholic religion than any other. Hmmm wonder why. I’m sorry that you have lost your precious son but I believe by sharing your story you will force parents to look at the bigger picture. Love your child for who they are not who you think they should be. Thank you for sharing your story.
M.L
Thank you so much! I have been struggling with being a teenager, my walk with God and being accepted by my family and your blog post has given me hope and has given me some answers to my questions. I hope to pass this link along to my friends and family and hopefully it’ll help me with my transition of becoming “out” with the people around me. Thank you so much. I can’t express how much this all has impacted my life and has showed me some part of God for who he really is. I am so sorry for your lost but thank you for sharing your story and the love of God.
I just read your post on Huffington Post, and could not stop crying because I wish my parents could see me the way you saw/see your son. My parents, particularly my mother, is an extremely devoted conservative Christian, Korean woman. My older sister happens to be gay as well, and she came out over 10 years ago…surprise surprise, my parents did not take to it very well. I came out to my parents just this past October while my mom visited me in Korea. My mom, took it much better than I had expected. I guess in the past 10 years since my sister came out, she realized that she is too old to fight this anymore. This does not mean in anyway that she accepts me 100%. She wants my sister and I to get married to strong, Christian men and have children. She thinks that God will change us someday…she keeps praying everyday to make me straight. She attends the support group, not PFLAG, but the group against homosexuality called PFOX.
I am thankful and grateful that my parents have not kicked me out of the house like some other LGBT children. They still love me and support me, but I know that their love is with conditions. In their minds, they think “Where did we go wrong?” When my sister had married her ex-wife, they did not attend the ceremony, and I know they will not attend my wedding when that day comes. My oldest sister got married last year to her husband(I have two sisters by the way). At their wedding, it was bittersweet for me. I was so happy to see my sister get married to the love of her life and see such a beautiful union between two amazing people. However, at the same time, I knew I could never experience this with all my relatives, and especially my parents. I could never enjoy a father and daughter dance, or watch my mother shed a tear while I say ‘I do’ to my partner.
I would love to be able to discuss my life with her, rather than hide it away and avoid anything LGBT related. I could not even rejoice in the downfall of DOMA because I know that my parents were disappointed in the Supreme Court’s decision. I long for the day when I can talk about my girlfriend like my sister can talk about her husband to our mother. I long for the day when my Mom and Dad will openly and wholeheartedly want to share a meal with me and my partner, not out of obligation because that’s what parents are supposed to do. My mother met my girlfriend in Korea, if my girlfriend had been a man, I know that my mother would gush about him and say what a great man I had found, but because my partner is a woman she begrudgingly said that she was nice.
I want to thank you both for sharing your story and journey. It has moved me in a way where I can see a small glimmer of hope that my parents can change in the way you both did. This weekend I will share your story with my mother. And perhaps, I can encourage her to contact you. I have my doubts that this will make an impact on my mother in anyway, but I have nothing to lose. Thank you again.
Christine…my first thought is, what a beautiful, gracious, loving woman you are. You are truly amazing. I will be praying as you share with your mom, and as you continue processing your own grief and loss. I wish I could give you a hug today, friend. XOXOXOX
I just read your post on Huffington Post, and could not stop crying because I wish my parents could see me the way you saw/see your son. My parents, particularly my mother, is an extremely devoted conservative Christian, Korean woman. My older sister happens to be gay as well, and she came out over 10 years ago…surprise surprise, my parents did not take to it very well. I came out to my parents just this past October while my mom visited me in Korea. My mom, took it much better than I had expected. I guess in the past 10 years since my sister came out, she realized that she is too old to fight this anymore. This does not mean in anyway that she accepts me 100%. She wants my sister and I to get married to strong, Christian men and have children. She thinks that God will change us someday…she keeps praying everyday to make me straight. She attends the support group, not PFLAG, but the group against homosexuality called PFOX.
I am thankful and grateful that my parents have not kicked me out of the house like some other LGBT children. They still love me and support me, but I know that their love is with conditions. In their minds, they think “Where did we go wrong?” When my sister had married her ex-wife, they did not attend the ceremony, and I know they will not attend my wedding when that day comes. My oldest sister got married last year to her husband(I have two sisters by the way). At their wedding, it was bittersweet for me. I was so happy to see my sister get married to the love of her life and see such a beautiful union between two amazing people. However, at the same time, I knew I could never experience this with all my relatives, and especially my parents. I could never enjoy a father and daughter dance, or watch my mother shed a tear while I say ‘I do’ to my partner.
I would love to be able to discuss my life with her, rather than hide it away and avoid anything LGBT related. I could not even rejoice in the downfall of DOMA because I know that my parents were disappointed in the Supreme Court’s decision. I long for the day when I can talk about my girlfriend like my sister can talk about her husband to our mother. I long for the day when my Mom and Dad will openly and wholeheartedly want to share a meal with me and my partner, not out of obligation because that’s what parents are supposed to do. My mother met my girlfriend in Korea, if my girlfriend had been a man, I know that my mother would gush about him and say what a great man I had found, but because my partner is a woman she begrudgingly said that she was nice.
I want to thank you both for sharing your story and journey. It has moved me in a way where I can see a small glimmer of hope that my parents can change in the way you both did. This weekend I will share your story with my mother. And perhaps, I can encourage her to contact you. I have my doubts that this will make an impact on my mother in anyway, but I have nothing to lose. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing your story. I read it and watched the video. Tears streamed down my face. I live in the Netherlands, which I think is in general open-minded. But as a mum I would always fear social acceptence of my son (still a little boy) if he would be different in any way. Your story, your courage and your incredible journey to insights and understanding is a true inspiration to accept, love and enjoy everybodies presence in this world regardless of any personal preference. Life is a gift, a miracle, to treasure and honor and to spend loving each other with all our heart. So many people, men, women, children feel abandoned, unwelcome and unloved. You started a movement. You took your personal tragedy and as phoenix from the ashes created a story of love, compassion and acceptance. I very much salute you for that. I am so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine your sorrow. For your Ryan I will give my son an extra kiss and cuddle tonight, I will hold him and pledge to forever treasure him breathing and I will promiss to spend my life understanding and accepting him for the man he will wish to be. I wish you a wonderful life with your gang of four, three earthlings and one beautiful angel.
Marielle, Wow…I can’t believe this has reached you in the Netherlands! Your words are SUCH a gift…it brings tears to my eyes to see the words, “gang of four”…thank you!!!
Hi Linda. A friend steered me toward the Huff Post piece and from there I came here. I read your posts and I watched your video. As a parent, I found your presentation crushing. I’m an atheist and an ex-christian, and I firmly support everyone’s human rights including the rights to believe and worship as you wish, so no preaching from me. I just felt compelled to offer support to you and your husband from one parent to another. Someone in my family suffers from heroine addiction, a wonderful smart young man that’s doing well now but I worry … not pray 🙂 … constantly about him staying clean. During the dark days, I saw the hell his mom went through and it was hell, no doubt. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
Bless you, Doug! What a wonderful man you are! Thanks for your honesty and your humor!! 🙂
Beautiful, Linda. Thanks for doing this. 🙂
Dear Linda,
This is stunningly beautiful– your honesty, your mission, your writing. I am floored.
My experience appears to be a little different from many of those who have commented. I am lucky enough to have numerous, AMAZING GLBT family members and friends, and have been proud to consider myself a straight ally for as long as I can remember. I have historically had little to no patience for what I perceived as simple bigotry and ignorance about the GLBT issue from evangelical Christians (and plenty of other people, of course), and have been pretty judgmental (okay, sometimes hateful) towards them (kind of hypocritical, right?). I got married last year, and lo and behold, my in-laws are pretty fundamental evangelical Christians who have some very strong (read: negative) opinions on GLBT issues. They are only somewhat aware that their youngest daughter is currently struggling with her sexuality and spends much of her time in deep despair about what her reality means for her future in the family, and for eternity. Her suffering has inspired rage in me and my husband, and though we don’t quite know how to proceed, we definitely haven’t been the most patient towards our parents. I realize now that my resentment towards them has bled into how I view “all Christians”–totally unfair, considering that my in-laws are amazing people, as are the vast, vast majority of (authentic) Christians I know.
So while your story has allowed people to reconsider their views on GLBT kids/people, I thank you because you’ve reminded me that Christians are human too–constantly in the midst of personal growth, doing the best with the information and experiences they have, and at the end of the day, usually trying to operate from a place of love (as they see it). It’s a reminder that people are on their own spiritual and intellectual journeys, and just like GLBT people’s beliefs don’t make them bad people, Christians’ beliefs also don’t define them as “good” or “bad” human beings. I really do hope that someday my in-laws can reconsider their beliefs and honestly see how what they say affects their daughter, but I’ve been reminded that that’s their battle to fight and journey to walk, not mine. You reminded me that my role is that of listener and provider of love and support. A sincere thanks, I’m most grateful and look forward to reading more about your journey!
EmAr,
Your thoughts and perspectives, as well as reflections on what you are learning, are such an inspiration to me!
Thanks for sharing the story, hopefully it could help other families. The only other thing I have to say is how amazingly self-aware Ryan was at 12, and how honest and complex his understanding of his nature he was: “Ryan says: i know i am it’s just a cover-up, it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know.
“u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing [WoW]
Mom says: I love you no matter what [go Mom :-)]
Ryan says: i am white not black Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this [more WoWs]
Thanks for sharing That. What a star, courage, integrity. Sorry it ended too soon, but not before he knew how much he was appreciated for himself. Sadly the best ones often feel the suffering of humanity deeper and succumb to anaesthesia and our culture’s strange relationship with love and with pain and painkillers.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories about Ryan. He sounded like such a wonderful boy, teenager, and adult. The kind of person you would love to be around. You are doing the right thing for your son. He’d be so very proud of you both.
Your beautiful heart is evident in the words you write. And your story, about loving and being loved imperfectly, exudes grace. It is clear that despite the difference and difficulties of your journey with Ryan, you all came to a place where you assumed the best in each other. That is love, that is true grace, and it gives me hope for me and my family in our journey. I don’t know about Jesus, but I want what you have. Thank you for being a light to me on my sometimes dark journey.