399 responses to “About Me”

1. First off, THANK YOU so much for sharing so openly, so lovingly about your relationship with your son. I read this post over and over, tears in my eyes each time. I am the proud mom of a beautiful 25 year old gay son. I am also a devout Catholic. Sometimes I struggle internally with my unconditional love for my son vs my Catholic faith. I have been struggling more lately than ever on reconciling my support for my child because it goes against what my faith says. And people are not afraid to tell me that. Reading this was a gift, a sign from God, that I am doing what is loving, what is right. Reading this made me decide that I am going to start some sort of group for Christian families to learn unconditional love their SSA family members here in Phoenix. Thank you, thank you again for being so loving. Your family is now in my prayers, for peace and grace daily.

   • Bless you, Vicki! God is SO big!! I love how He speaks to us so personally, so intimately!

     • My name is Michael and I’m a middle aged (where did the time go???!) jewish, gay man.
       So moved by your story and of course, loss of your son (I have just stopped crying!)
       I am just curious. Has your blog/story changed any of your fellow church-goers’/congregation’s views on homosexuality?
       People who knew /loved ryan. Through your experiences and blogging and conversations, has anyone (forgive the pun)
       seen the light?

       Warm regards and thank you
       Michael
       Chicago

       • Well, Michael, let me tell you this…on Ryan’s should-have-been-24-birthday in January, our entire pastoral team sent Ryan a birthday card. In it were personal messages to Ryan, about he has changed their lives. It is one of our most treasured keepsakes. First of all, NOBODY sends a birthday card to someone’s dead son…much less your PASTORS. And to hear them share how Ryan’s life – and death – have changed theirs…it was POWERFUL. We’ve had so many people tell us that “homosexuality” was just an “issue” to them before knowing Ryan and our story…and now it is no longer an issue, but it is about PEOPLE. For us, that was certainly true. I heard someone say that “it is really hard to hate up close.” I love that line…because it states a truth about our humanity, and how easy it is to dehumanize a person or a group of people who we do not know or understand.

         You are making me wish that we had copied and pasted all the people who have written to us to say that their views have been changed, nuanced and softened by “knowing” Ryan. Some people simply have more compassion, others have been challenged to completely change their perspectives. I think that is one of the biggest reasons we continue to tell our story…in hopes that we, and others, will choose to be ALWAYS be open to being refined and to growing to become more like our Creator.

         Thanks for the great question, Michael!

2. Today I stumbled upon your blog after I followed a post on Facebook; I hardly know what to say. I am a mom, a Christian and I also have a son named Ryan. I have often wondered how we, as Christians, are supposed to “deal” with the issue of homosexuality. Biblically speaking it is an abomination, but practically speaking it is so much more…”love the sinner, not the sin”, “My grace is sufficient…”, etc. One of my very best friends came out to me, knowing my beliefs, and he knows we disagree on religious grounds, but that I still love him. I don’t know what the answer is, but I can only imagine the pain of a parent struggling to know and do what is right according to our religious and moral strictures while feeling the overwhelming LOVE that we feel for our children. My heart aches for you and your family. I live in the greater Seattle area and will watch your blog to see if there are ways in which I can be involved in your ministry.

   • Hi, Arleta! So glad you joined our discussion! I can understand your struggle, because I wrestled through questions like yours in the early years after Ryan came out. I have come to understand, though, that being gay is NOT an abomination to God. Unfortunately, people have taken verses out of context and used them to condemn people. Jesus said that He did NOT come to condemn the world, but to save it…and to serve. But I am not here to argue theology…I am not a theologian. What I do know, though, is that the old Christian cliche, “Love the sinner, hate the sin” is extremely hurtful for all those who are gay. I know you did not intend it that way, at all. This used to sound like truth, and I accepted it, but it is really an oxymoron, and shows a great deal of misunderstanding for those who are gay. It is actually one of the most hated sayings (by non-Christians and the LGBT community) that comes out of the church. I do not mean for this to come across as if I am condemning you – I am NOT, truly. I would just like to be honest, though, for the sake of all of our readers (I sincerely want this to be a safe place for all), and so that you will know where I am coming from. God has told Rob and I clearly that we do not have to know perfectly the theological arguments on both sides of this – we do know and respect intelligent, wise and fervent Christ-followers who can do that well. For us, God has ONLY called us to love, and to trust HIM to speak to His followers, as He certainly can, and does, when He desires.

     • Thank you Linda for bringing that point to note! Love the sinner etc. it is indeed hurtful and so inappropriate. I believe that straight people’s hate of homosexuality is driven through fear. And I loved the way you told the story of praying that God would heal Ryan and make him straight – oh wow, how often did I pray that prayer pleading with God. There is one phrase which I love ” my God doesn’t make junk He only makes precious things!” Thank you for your obedience to follow the Holy Spirit’s guidance and instruction to keep this blog going. You are providing a service of healing and assistance to countless numbers of hurting individuals and for and for this you and Rob will be blessed abundantly. And yes it is possible to be a Christian and be gay! Hallelujah

     • “Love the sinners, hate the sin” (how I LOATHE that statement) but have been left speechless by the retort,” love Christ but hate the Christians”. This has led me to live more authentically in my faith, by speaking of Christ’s love for EVERYONE. I have had to make some hard choices (i.e., changing churches, watching my son turn away from God because of church actions), but through it all there is hope, love, peace and reconciliation for all. I know how He has called me to lead with my heart and share the light and love of the LGBTQ community.

       • I am with you, Edward! This weekend I told Jesus, “I love you but I am having a REALLY hard time liking Christians right now! Help!”

       • Hi again, Linda,

         Humor in one shape or another is always running through my head (it’s hereditary–ask my Mom.) When reading your response to Edward today a small chunk of humor flashed through my head. My reason for sending this is to bring a smile to your face, and I sincerely hope that this doesn’t offend (it’s not exactly “politically correct”), but here goes…

         “How many uninformed Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Too many to count…!”

         The following words may be substituted for “uninformed”: mean, love challenged, short-sighted, etc…

         I hope you’re smiling!

         Martin

       • Martin – I definitely am! And I needed to laugh tonight! Thank you!!

       • “JESUS PROTECT ME FROM SOME OF YOUR FOLLOWERS “

3. I have known my child is gay for over a year now. My child has not told me and doesn’t know that I know. I have been desperately praying for God’s wisdom and guidance. Just a few days ago a family member posted the link to this blog and it has forever changed my life. The love that I have for my child is immeasurable and indescribable. If I feel that way then surely God feels this for ALL his children, not just the straight ones as we are told in church by man. God is using my child to change me, to change my heart and my thought process. I fully embrace my child, as she is, as God made her. I fully accept the plans God has for her. I fully accept that God made her unique and special and that everything she is and does is for HIS glory. I fully accept my role in her life and in the life of the partner she chooses and in the lives of friends and family members in the lgbt community. I do not accept that because she is gay she will not enter heaven,not be able to serve God or not be used by Him. My desire for her is that she accept who she is, who God made her. I want her to soar and fly with the beautiful wings God has given her. I want her to know that she is perfect just the way she is. When she comes out to me I will embrace her. I will cry when she cries, laugh when she laughs. I will join her cause, her community and make it my own. I will fight for her and with her against the hate and the prejudice and the blindness of our society. Jesus came to love and to heal. From this moment on I choose to love without bias, without judgment, without prejudice. I choose to LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS! The devil wants us to hate ourselves and to hate each other. His goal is for us to live our lives in loneliness, shame, depression and self loathing. If we as Christians treat the lgbt community with hatred and if we let God’s children live in loneliness, shame, depression and self loathing then the devil has already won. I cannot let him win. I will not let him win. I choose to live and love without limits!

   • Chris, this message has changed MY life. No matter how many more hateful, condemning messages we receive…it doesn’t matter. Not if our story has made the difference for you and your daughter…that is ENOUGH. I am overwhelmed at how personal and good God is…and how He connects us with just the right people! I love you, my new friend!!! And I love your daughter!!

     • Michael again,
       Just read this post from Missy.
       There was a movie based on a true story, called “Prayers for Bobby”
       and the bottom line (that the character/mother played by Sigourney Weaver said) was/is:

       I know now why God didn’t heal Bobby. He didn’t heal him because … [breaks down in pained sobbing] … there was nothing wrong with him!

       Well, again my blessings to all
       Michael

4. You are both AMAZING people. Rob, your humor, your strength, your deep love for your wife and family came across so strongly in your talk. I felt humbled by the power of your conviction. And Linda, what a service you are offering: taking your grief and suffering and using it to help others to heal.

5. In April 2009 I lost a dear friend from my childhood, who took his own life utlimately because he was unable to reconcile conflicts between his desire to serve the Lord through ministry, and his sexuality as a gay man. We spent our formative years in a rural, Southern Baptist church where we frequently heard youth sermons about how God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Yes, those exact words. We were taught basically that homosexuality was a disease, and that you couldn’t love Jesus and live a homosexual lifestyle. My heart breaks for him, that he spent his teen years hearing those words from the mouths of people whom we trusted and respected, and how that must have destroyed his selfworth. I can’t imagine the immensity of the struggles that drove my friend to end his pain by taking his life; that this witty, confident teen who was impossible not to love could feel so alienated as an adult. There is so much power in your message. At the end of the day, it really does boil down to loving a person for who they are, and by doing so, empowering them to love themselves. As a parent, my heart breaks for you for the loss that you surely feel every hour of every day. I admire your courage to share your story with the world.

   • Missy…my heart BREAKS for your friend. Your story explains EXACTLY why we can no longer be silent! May God use us, as His hands and feet, to stop the suffering!!

6. Linda, thank you for extending me the benefit of the doubt…I absolutely did NOT intend to hurt, condemn or offend you or any of your readers! What I was trying to say is that I’m confused and struggling with my confusion. I’ve only heard one message from the Church, the one I referred to in my original comment, which is one of judgment and condemnation cloaked in “love”. Christians tend to be the most critical and least loving group of people I’ve ever known which is the exact opposite of what Christ has called us to do! I really have no idea what is “right” and many of my long held beliefs are being challenged. Phil 2:12-13, “…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose.” This passage is a great reminder that I’m no better than anyone else and if God chooses to use me it’s for His purpose, not mine. Thank you again for not assuming I’m a judgmental jerk! You have given me much to consider and I appreciate that.

   • Arleta…Thank YOU! Thank you for believing in my heart, and not writing me off for being rude! BLESS you, my friend!!!

7. So wonderful to hear and I am very appreciative that you responded to me personally!
   Not that I’m not worth it (tongue on cheek) but obviously you must have be receiving hundreds if not thousands of emails/responses
   In this “jaded” day and age, so rare to meet/know of someone that actually can make a difference.
   With God’s help and our own humanity, we all (need to) grow as compassionate individuals.
   Even with those who may have “barely a seed” you have truly made a difference and again, my heart not only goes out to you and your family
   for the loss of your amazing son, but for the obvious transformation and tolerance you encourage and perform.
   My warmest regards on this holiday weekend
   Michael

8. Just read the story of Ryan. I am a 42 year old woman who is married to another woman. I have always known I was gay, and tried to come out to my parents back when I was 15. They were not too happy so I went back into the closet and had relationships, joined the Mormon church at age 18, trying to get rid of these “demons” in my head and went on to have 2 failed marriages, the first one (13.5 years) producing 3 wonderful children. Second marriage lasted 4 years. I knew something had to change in my life in the summer of 2009 when a soap character on Guiding Light came out as gay and I followed that story til it ended about 4 months later. It opened my eyes to a community that saved me and introduced me to my wife. and we now have wonderful friends who support us and our family. My daughters introduce us as their two moms. My son won’t talk to us, but he is 18 and we don’t know the future. I pray that he sees the loving family we are and come around eventually. My mom, sister, and brother were not shocked (maybe a little)and accepting of my revelation. They joke that I have a better taste in women than I ever had in men. LOL! My story is an uncommon one, not having much strife because of my coming out. I am very lucky to have accepting friends and work colleagues, which was my biggest fear that I would lose everything I had. I pray for you, your family and your message of Ryan to light a fire and a way for those against the LGBT community to see that we all need love and acceptance. We are no different than any of them. God made me this way for a reason and I will spread your message too. Thank you so much and God Bless!

9. Linda, I am so excited to see how God is using you, Rob and Ryan’s story to open the minds of people who may never have been provoked to question what it is that they really believe. I believe in my heart that Ryan’s Story has saved, and is saving many lives. Keep God first and continue your work in loving those who’ve been made to feel unworthy of love. You guys are AWESOME IN GOD!

   • Your words are exactly what we need to hear…KEEP GOD FIRST!! Thank you, Gwen! (Is it just a coincidence that share a last name? My maiden name is Mueller)

     • No Ma’am it’s not a coincidence! Your brother and I were and still are, the best of friends. 🙂 If people only knew how much you and Rob love God and how devoted and dedicated you both are in serving him, you would not have received one hate mail. For as long as I have known you, your life has been centered around the Word of God. Through all of this, God has given birth to amazing ministry and you my friend, have been hand picked to do God’s bidding. No matter what obstacles come your way Linda, no weapon formed against you shall prosper! Each One, Reach One!

       • Oh, GWEN!! I feel so silly!! It is YOU!! Dear friend…you were always a blessing to me, and you still are!! Thank Jesus for RECONNECTIONS!!

10. Linda,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It touched me deeply, as I’m sure it will touch many others. I have no doubt that it will encourage many people to move towards unconditional love and acceptance of their gay relatives and friends. I, too, am the brother of a wonderful man who just happens to be gay, and I am the father of a gay but closeted teenage son whom I love deeply. Although my wife and I have continually expressed our unconditional love for our son, we continue to struggle with him on certain issues. Just as God reconciled you with Ryan, I pray that He will reconcile our son with us.
    Please keep up your good work and know that it is greatly appreciated.
    David

    • David…thanks so much for joining us…we need your voice here!!

    • And David…some of the moms here who love Jesus AND love their gay child are going to start a private FaceBook group to encourage each other…if your wife is interested, have her FB friend me (Linda Mueller Robertson) and send me a note!

      • Linda …..I’m a follower of Christ and have a gay son. Would love to join…possible?

        • Sent you an email, Donna! XOXOXOXOXOX

11. Your story broke my heart, I wish you peace and love. You have changed the way I think about my beautiful daughter. While she is not gay, she has had some hard times because she is very tall, very heavy and socially akward. I have spent most of her short life trying to fix her so she will be accepted by other people. Well THAT has ended! She is perfect in every way in my eyes, and I am going to have to trust that God made her the way she is for a very good reason. I am not going to waste another second trying make her fit a criteria society has foisted upon women. I love her because she loves, and laughs, and makes me laugh, and has never tried to fix me, because God gave her to me in all of her perfection. I am done with criticizing. I love her because she breathes. Many heartfelt thanks for waking me up.

    • Tracy…What an incredible mom you are. What mother, if they are honest, hasn’t felt similar feelings about one of her children? I am challenged by YOUR love for your daughter to love our surviving children more fully!

    • Good for you Tracy…..now you’re loving God’s way! Your daughter is blessed to have you for her Mom 🙂

12. I love your heart for The Lord and am truly greatful to you for sharing your story. We are like minded and that is a surprise to me. There are very few people in the family of God who truly get it. My son is 28 and came out when he was 19. I feel sorry for those parents who when their child comes out of the closet….they go into it. I could walk into my Church or any other for that matter and say my kids on drugs, my daughters having a baby and is not married, my kid what ever and I would be surrounded by hugs and prayers. But to walk in and say my kid is gay…well lets just say that’s the best way to clear out the church. I refuse to let them make me or my son feel less or that I was a bad parent and I would not and will not stop loving my son!!!
    My son knows the truth and hopefully one day that truth will set him free. In the mean time he knows he is loved by me and the God who made him…..And that’s enough for now

    Blessing

13. I just want to thank you for sharing your family’s story. My son came out to us when he was fifteen,he is now 21, and we have been on quite the journey since. I have felt alone so many times as support from our church family and pastor has been very lacking. It seems so wrong that the people who watched my son grow and who helped raise him can say such hurtful things. Thanks for affirming that the unconditional love and acceptance that we show our son is the right way to live. God Bless.

    • Tammi…My heart aches with you…I so remember that loneliness. And yes, it is so very sad and wrong that those who were so involved in our sons’ lives then turn their backs on them. The experience has made me much more aware of the need to LEAN IN to those who are hurting, when they need me most. Much love to you, my friend.

14. Yes those kids are betrayed by their families,churches,friends,school and their government . Think how lonely they must feel. Would Jesus love them you bet. The Catholic Church has nothing but shame on it hands on the Gay issue, they must come to terms that these people come from heterosexual parents and are a natural part of humanity. The only thing they lack is love and acceptance by society.

15. Hi Linda. Char emailed me the link to your presentation and from that I found your blog. You are truly an amazing person and I am proud to say that I know you! Thank you so much for sharing your journey of acceptance and what you and your family have been through. I too am a Christian and struggled with the true, inner acceptance of gay people. I have very good friends who are gay and used to go along with the “I love you but I don’t agree with your lifestyle” argument for years. Then 2 years ago the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (which is the church I attend) allowed gay pastors to preside in the church. We lost members of our church because of this and I also struggled with accepting the decision of the ELCA. Not happy with my own feelings, I talked to our pastor about it. In less than 5 minutes he completely changed my view and it is now what I truly believe and say the same thing to others. He said two points….1. Jesus, our Lord, taught us to love everybody, no matter who they are, their race, age, religion, financial status, or sexuality. 2. It is not for us to judge, that is Christ’s role. Two simple truths that changed my views and strengthened my faith. Unfortunately. too many Christians think it is their job to judge others for their actions and their lifestyles. Read your bibles, that is not what our Lord taught us.

    Keep up the wonderful work you and your husband are doing Linda. HUGS

    • Bless you, Diana! So glad I am connected to you through Char!

16. Dear Linda,

    This is a truly touching story, our condolences for your loss.

    I am the editor for the blog of a non-profit in India (Dont know if you know Rotaract, which is the youth wing of Rotary). India stands at cross roads today, the Supreme Court being widely expected to mercilessly throw out all challenges to a High Court Order to decriminalise homosexuality and extend all Constitutional safeguards in full force to them. However, we also understand that however salutory the thinking of our Justices may be, the common India is still very much against homosexuals and their way of life.

    I need permission from you to republish this story (with proper credits of course) on our blog (which we are just starting). Since our blog is meant for developing newer perspectives in the minds of our readers, we hope to tell this story before the Supreme Court issues a ruling and thereby make some change in the way people think about this.

    Please do reply at the earliest.

    Editor
    Spark

17. Hi,
    I am so glad I can post this without it being on Facebook because I don’t use it and refuse. I have to tell you like the rest of the comments here. Your story is deeply honest, raw and thought provoking. I am a very loose Catholic because honestly all the “Christians” I am surrounded by are the most judgmental, narrow minded people I have ever met. I have a gay son who is 19 now. He officially came out to me on his 17th birthday. There were so many text messages and computer things I saw that I suspected it but was praying and hoping he wouldn’t be. He had really cute girlfriends and female celebrity crushes. I noticed a cut on the inside of his arm one day at the dinner table. He was normally a positive, fun kinda guy. He seemed depressed and I asked him about him cutting himself. I knew immediately he needed to see a therapist. Anyway, sorry I’m trying to figure out how to shorten this email to you. Wanna come over for coffee and chat?? LOL Seriously if you lived in Illinois I would rather, so we can talk. Ok anyway after 2 years with an amazing wonderful therapist, who was not only there for him but for my husband and I my son is so much better about himself. Going away to college and being honest about his sexuality there as well was a gift to him. The new friends he made were very accepting and didn’t really think anything of it at all. He attends a private school that is associated with the Evangelical Lutheran Church..though that had NOTHING to do with him attending there. I’m saying that as a campus it’s very gay friendly. My son is into sports and is not the stereotype feminine personality. Most people are shocked when he says he is gay. Mark has a younger brother(Joe) who is going to be a high school freshman this year. Joe does not know yet he is gay. Mark is terrified how he will react, they are pretty close. Ok let me try and not put you to sleep. What I basically am trying to tell you is THANK YOU. Thank you for this and whomever put this on Steve Grand’s Facebook. Steve is actually a friend of my son and there are so many gay guys in our homophobic town it’s amazing. We as parents don’t discuss it with anyone. If my son wasn’t going to be a high school freshman I would start a support group. In this town though we would pay the price. Our house was already vandalized so many times. That seems to be a common thing here to bully other kids in town. The bullies throw paint, pull out flowers throw them in the streets and or pools. They break flower pots, stick forks in the lawn etc. I don’t want my younger son to have to go through that. He already hates living here. My husband and I still have days when we don’t like to think about him being gay. It’s hard BUT I know this was not his choice. It is how he was born. PERIOD! Anyone that thinks it’s a “perversion” or a sickness has not known anyone who truly just wants to be loved and fit into society. Would they shun an autistic person or someone with blonde hair? My son even said, mom if there was a pill to make me straight I would take it. I tell him he is perfect the way he is. YOur story has touched my heart so deeply. I would pray something would reverse it self but God reminds me all the time I am not in control. Your story makes me think I need to just simply love my son unconditionally. I know that seems like something I should be doing anyway but honestly some days I cry a little for the son I thought I would have. Your story will be a reminder to not ” go there” just to be grateful he is alive. Thank you for using your pain to enlighten me and others. Your son did not die in vain. He was the sacrificial lamb I guess you could say for anyone that reads your story. He is truly an angel and I know you would rather have him here on earth but he through you and your husband is doing amazing works. I am so sorry for your horrific loss and I will thank you everyday for giving me a reminding gift. Please do not think you should have or could have done something differently. I truly believe we are always where and how we are supposed to be. I do believe God has his plans for all of us. We may not know or understand them sometimes but there are just too many coincidences in life. I’m sorry this was so long and hopefully makes sense. Please let me know if you and your husband are ever in the Chicago area. Peace and Love to you and your family always.

    • And YOUR story has touched MY heart, Connie!!

18. Mrs. Robinson,
    I understand you unwillingness to post all the negative posts that heap blame and hate on you. But know also that so many of us in the LGBT community have gone through very similar stories. We have fought drugs and looked at razors and bottle of liquor with similar motives. And we thought we did it because we were gay. But really, we did it because society dictated to us that this shame and self-hatred is what we should be feeling. Sometimes letting the pain and vitrol out is a step toward healing (not that makes it any more comfortable, or easy, for you to read or carry).

    I first read your essay on June 5th (on the FreedHearts blog), and wrote the following response. Here it is, from that day:
    *****
    Thank you for sharing your story. Please understand that many of the people angrily posting here have lived that story, or are living it now. I’ve tried to write this reply a few times now, because I want to share your grief, not add to it. Many of us have walked your son’s path.
    We are generations of prodigal sons, dearly loved by our family, but never accepted quite for who we are, but rather for who we could be if we just prayed harder, denied ourselves more. We grow up to stories of Jesus loving us NO MATTER WHAT; we are given a dream of finding a perfect mate — “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united…” only to then be told we must forsake that dream of love and unity with another soul, and that God’s love is very conditional indeed.

    The grace of Piety and the sin of Pride weave so seductively to religious families, making us prodigals reach ever hopefully and hopelessly for an impossibly goal. We know we are loved. But we are not accepted.

    We are generations of prodigals, leaving home because we cannot bear to stay. And instead of having that part of our life filled with God (because we are told over and over that he can’t love us as we are), and family (because we can never shape ourselves into something we never were), and friends (because the Church does not welcome us), where can we turn? If we limp home, the fatted calf is slain and we are welcome with open arms…for still, we are of course loved. But we are still what we have become.

    And religous leaders dare say that our homosexuality is why we are so miserable and unhappy. Our blood stains the alters of churches across this nation, and they dare? Pride and Piety were the downfall of the Pharisees, and so it is with our modern teachers.

    lostboyjim 6/5/2013
    ******
    I’m not sure I tied it together well. I’m still struggling with the idea of gay teens being forced into the model of the prodigal son by their loving parents, because it gives them a frame of reference. I find it a very damaging one.

    Moving on, I find your ties to Exodus International to be very disturbing. For decades they have been the epitome of a hate group, teaching homosexuals to hate themselves. You say your son made good friends there. I do not doubt that; hostaiges also becomes close friends. I think that organization in particular has the death of many young gay Christians on its hands.

    lostboyjim 7/17/2013

    • Jim – First of all, I have to tell you…this “comment” has one of the most eloquently written and poignant descriptions of what the church has done – the incredibly painful mixed messages, the fatal “bait and switch” that happens to LGBTQ kids in the church. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jim, for helping all of us understand.
      About Exodus, I get it. I KNOW why you are disturbed. We were shocked to be asked to speak – SHOCKED. And the obstacles in making it happen were nearly impossible, so as we prayed, we asked God to show us what HE wanted. We were also very, very concerned at the message it would send to our LOGBTQ friends to be going to, much less speaking at, at Exodus Conference. But let me tell you this: 1) It was our Biola Queer family who convinced us we should go, and raised the money for our flights. 2) God made all the rest of the obstacles disappear – miraculously – so we could go on only a few days’ notice. 3) Exodus did not ask to edit our presentation, or even to know what we were going to say. 4) We are all too aware of the damage and pain that has been caused by the message that Exodus and its affiliates have spread. But the leadership of Exodus, like Rob and I, are admitting their mistakes and trying to make it right. Can they ever really make it right? Nope. Not any more than Rob and I can. But the people on staff who we know are humble, genuine, broken-hearted, teachable and incredibly honest. While we were there they were assaulted – from both sides – by the WORST of critiques and even threats. But we never heard ONE word of bitterness or argument or hatred. We heard sadness and exhaustion, but nothing else. And when we hung out at Exodus, sharing fellowship with our LGBTQ friends, Mel White included, AND our Exodus friends, we KNEW that God was smiling.

19. Linda, I came across your story today. Having lived and still struggling from a life of homosexuality, I connected well with what you had to say as parents of a gay son. One thing that your story confirms over and over for me personally and so many in or out of this lifestyle is that …it is in fact God’s love, and not His law that transforms us. But as we seek to know Him, and His great, eternal Love for us, we desire to please Him and we begin to love His laws, His commands, His statutes. We begin to take delight in them and we are truly transformed. As we die to self, and literally be crucified with Him, we understand the resurrection power that took place through the crucifixion of Christ. Surely it is His love and not His law that transforms us and through that transformation, that process, we learn to love His ways! I am 42 years old and during my adolescence being gay was not necessarily accepted but it also wasn’t necessarily shunned. Surely my own parents rejected it and struggled with it (who were not following Christ at the time). I struggle with how to deal with others on this topic and I do not feel God has called me to “minister” to that group of people. One thing I did disagree with, is your husbands statement or maybe lack of clarification? of something he said – that homosexuality and being a Christian can coexist. While I understand fully that God accepts us as we are (not who) because my identity has been found in Him and Him alone. I am not what I do, but I am beginning to line up my actions, my life, my thoughts up with Who I now realize I am in Him. I believe that homosexuality is a sin against God and against what all He has intended for us, male or female. With that said, it is difficult at best to explain this to others who believe they are born this way or that God loves all homosexuals (which He does) but that He accepts homosexuality. Even as we are “born this way” in inequity as His word tells us, it doesn’t mean we have to remain in this fallen state, in fact, we have to be born again. I hate that many so called Christians think they have it right, condemning and rejecting people because of their sin, and not loving them as Christ commands. But the first commands to love Him with our whole heart and to have no other gods before Him is the critical one that these people are missing. For without those, we cannot possibly follow the others – to love thy neighbor – no matter who they are: black, white, gay, straight, muslim, christian. God will not tolerate sin nor should we, but we must first love and I know thats the message you are conveying here. I appreciate your message and story. Thank you!

    • Tim, I just want to thank you for being so gracious in reading about our journey, and sharing your own. We can sure stack hands on our love for Jesus, Tim, and THAT is what really matters. Praying for you as you continue to allow God to transform your life…I am ALWAYS in desperate need of His transformation, as well!

    • Tim,
      The atttudes that you express here (don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin; Love thy neighbor, BUT; homosexuality is a sin against God; homosexuality and a Christian life cannot co-exist; we don’t have to remain in the fallen state) are the exact same attitudes that Linda had with her son. She obviously loved him dearly. But this loving, unaccepting attitude is why so many gay Christian teenagers commit suicide. THIS. RIGHT. HERE.

      It is intolerant kindness, and I as a gay Christian would rather have “Christians” condemn me out of hand than this half-loving, half-unforgiving purgatory that you condemn us to.

      • I’m sorry “anonymous” you felt condemned. But it’s obvious at the very basic level we believe differently. I believe homosexuality is a sin because I believe what the bible says and perhaps it’s interpretation by all can be questioned. I do believe we are all sinners when we have an encounter with God. But it’s through our personal relationship with Him and our constant pursuit of Him along with His word that transforms us which can and does include liberation from the bondage of sin no matter what that sin is. God loves us but He doesn’t accept a life of continual sin (according to His word) but through His grace, mercy, love and sanctification by His spirit He provides a way of true freedom and transformation that we might be made Holy. People commit suicide for various reasons but most often it’s because they feel rejected, hopeless and unloved. I take full responsibility for not showing or being better equipped to show that kind of love, but I will never change my belief on what God’s word says… Because I know it to be true and compromising that truth not only leaves the blood of another on my hands but more importantly their eternal soul. When we truly love God we will love His word and be willing to sacrifice our own carnal nature for His.

        • Tim,
          I am ‘anonymous’ above, sorry my name didn’t come though. I’m Jim Summers.

          I stand strongly by my position here. I would like Linda to chime in here, because I think what you’re saying above is exactly her position before her son finally them in despair. When you say “He doesn’t accept a life of continual sin “, you are setting up this false either/or dilemma. For most gay men it is an impossible and untennable position. Yes, you (like Linda) are approaching this from a loving, caring viewpoint. You can’t read her story and doubt her love for her son. At the same time, you can’t read her story and not see that this dual position of “We love you, but we both know that God doesn’t accept a life of continual sin” is what drove her son from the Church, and from God, and into the arms the drugs that took his life.

          You make the point “People commit suicide for various reasons but most often it’s because they feel rejected, hopeless and unloved.” which is a very good point. But you don’t go a step further and understand that, for all Linda’s love, her position still made her son fell rejected, hopeless, and unloved. Sexuality is a core part of our being. If you say you love me, but you reject such a fundamental core of myself as sinful, then I doubt your love. This is the heart of the reason that so many Christian teens with gay feelings end up killing themselves, or forever leaving the Church and their families. They may later reconcile with their families…but rarely with the Church.

          You can talk all you want about God’s grace and transformation, but the trail of broken lives left by Exodus International makes me doubt that transformative power extends to gay men. Do you really think that the men who went the torture chambers of Exodus didn’t pray until their knees were raw to have this cup pass from them? I know I did. Did it ever change the core of my being? It did not. I think my husband is glad it didn’t.

        • Jim…Bless you for so graciously summarizing not only what we wrongly communicated to Ryan but also WHY we chose to share our story (though we never thought it would be shared with more than a very small group of parents). Thank you for adding so much to this conversation in such a gentle and grace-filled way.

          Tim…I, too, cringed when I read your comment about God: “He doesn’t accept a life of continual sin.” If that is true, then I am doomed. Because I am continually selfish, continually prideful, continually lacking in mercy and grace. The ONLY thing that saves me is believing that this life isn’t all about me – it is all about Jesus. What HE did. What HE accomplished on the cross. How big HIS grace & mercy & love are for me…so big that nothing can separate me from Him. NOTHING.

          But that paragraph, and your comment, make it seem like BEING gay is just another sin. And that message in itself is so painful and damaging and life-stealing; There is nothing about that statement that sounds like GOD. Everything about that statement sounds like the enemy, who comes to lie, steal and destroy.

          Tim, I so respect your story and your commitment to be kind and respectful in communicating what you think. Your own experience with God and with the daily battle over making Christ first in your life resonate as true and sacred; I am so glad you’ve shared.

          If God has convicted you that to act on your orientation would be a sin for you, then I support you completely, with everything in me, in heeding and obeying His call for you. We know and love many celibate gay Christians who are thriving in their lives and in their faith, and for whom God has spoken clearly about what His will for them is.

          At the same time, I can’t agree more with what Tim said above, “For most gay men (and women) it is an impossible and untenable position.” We know far too many who haven’t heard God’s call to celibacy – but they sure have heard the church’s call. Or their parents’ call. And they desperately try to obey that call, a call that doesn’t lead to life but to severe depression, continual suicidal thoughts and anything but the abundant life that Christ called us to.

          So here is my question: Why are we, as Christians, so afraid to leave this issue up to GOD? If He wants to convict our gay Christian friends of their “sin,” can He not do that? Why do I need to take on the Holy Spirit’s role, and make sure that they know what God wants from them? Our gay Christian friends are continually listening to God – in prayer and through His word, just like we are. Can God not speak to them, if they are really living a life that is so unpleasing to Him?

20. Ok, sorry but I had to read through your comments a few times. I thought to myself, what did he say, did I read that correctly? You think you weren’t born as a gay man? You think it’s a sin but you choose to sin so you should be loved by God anyway? I’m confused can you please clarify? If you think it’s a choice why do you choose to “sin”? So if you really wanted and were strong enough you could sexually and unconditionally love a woman? I truly do not understand what you are trying to say. You make being gay sound like a character flaw. It seems your thinking would send people back in the closet thinking they aren’t strong enough or they should be more God loving. Have you been forced to go though some type of “straight therapy”? I don’t mean any disrespect but I do disagree with your thinking. Maybe I just need clarification. Thank you.

    • Connie, this message wasn’t for you it was for Linda. I am sorry you don’t understand my thinking. Every story is different and personal and we each have to find our own way with God regardless of what the world or others think. I know I was not born gay, not think. I have chosen to sin just like any other sinner, but I am being transformed by God’s love and His word and as a sinner I am loved by God. I never mentioned anything about being with a woman. To not be gay doesn’t mean someone must be straight. My goal is to be, do, act, speak, and think as God intended and if that means one day being in a heterosexual, loving and committed relationship, then I trust fully God will equip me to do just that. The only therapy I am going through is the one that God provides via sanctification, via my relationship with Him and studying His word – seeking to understand His complete and perfect will for my life.

    • I really must add something here. I believe that as gay people we live under the same “rules” as straight people.
      Adultery, fornication etc. etc. apply to the gay person in the same way they do to straight people. If I am in a relationship with another person, fidelity, honestly etc. apply to that relationship. I believe God honors the relationship if He is put first in that relationship – it matters not whether the relationship is straight or gay. And we ALL are sinners saved by grace! hallelujah!!!

21. Amen Tim! Thanks for posting. My son came out at 19. He is now 28. After all these years he still insist he was NOT born this way. He believes its a choice ( I know most people disagree so no need to comment) He struggles between wanting to do what he wants to do and placing God first. I think we all feel that way at one time or another. I feel his pain…..I pray for him….and I love him with all my heart. We have not always be treated kindly from church folks. The Church has a long way to go in this area.
    Gods grace is bigger though and so we press on…..

    Blessing
    Donna

    • I am honestly just replying to Donna from July 22 of 2013. Its been almost 8 years since this comment/thread that I was engaged in, has passed. I can say without any reservation, without any doubt I have been set free from the sin of homosexuality. It has been a struggle, there have been times I failed (just like with any other sin) but through my pursuit of God and His ability to continually sanctify me (and its still ongoing) – I can say this particular sin is no longer a part of my life and will never be again. His Word is true, He is faithful and I still stick by what I had said all those years ago. My relationship with God is stronger than it has ever been and I am so thankful. For anyone who is struggling and does not want to live a life of sin (any sin), God can and will set you free – He will do exactly what He says He will do, we just have to keep pursuing and do our part.

22. I cried the entire time I watched the video of your presentation at Exodus ’13 on Youtube. I am a 20-something gay male. I came out to my parents at 17 after years of knowing I was gay. I was sent to a “Christian Counselor” who told me I should liken myself to a rotten orange in God’s orchard because I just needed much more attention because of my sexuality (crazy, I know). Long story short, I very much relate to your story. I am very sorry for your loss and I wish i could hug you and your husband both. You did what you felt best at the time because of your upbringing and I sincerely believe your son is in a much better place now, and I hope you find peace in the knowledge you will see him again. Thanks for sharing your story.

    • Chris…It made me cringe to hear that you were likened to a rotten orange…heavy, heavy sigh. Bless you for letting us know…and come to the GCN conference in January and give us that hug!!

23. Linda, your family’s story is incredibly moving. I am a 33 year old mother of 4 year old twin girls who came out just after they were born. Their father and my extended family have worked hard to wrap their minds and hearts around my coming out and are for the most part supportive. Unfortunately it is my Catholic/Colombian parents who are having the hardest time accepting me. I am devastated each time my mother accuses me of “ruining” her life and her belief in God. She prays that “God will take this away from me” and help me surround myself with “pure” people/”good people” (not disgusting dogs which to her is the LGBT population). I am deeply hurt each time this type of interaction occurs, most recently was when I told my parents I am moving into a new apartment with my daughters and my girlfriend.
    I am wondering if there is anything Ryan did or could have done to help move you and your husband closer to acceptance? For example, provide you with books or websites that would help you understand more? open your perspective? (I am fearful that they will likely just reject any resources I provide them because it is coming from me = the sinner in their eyes.)
    In closing, I just want thank you for all you are doing for the GCN, parents of LGBT people, and the LGBT population as a whole. Ryan lives on in Christ…but also in the all you do in his name. With admiration, Victoria

    • Victoria…you are SO dear! I wish we could sit and have coffee! I think the best thing Ryan did was to be completely honest…to let us know what he was feeling…and to be patient with us – and with God – as He did His work in us. The other things I’ve shared, mostly, in the post , just in case you haven’t seen it. MUCH love to you, Victoria!! You have powerfully encouraged me today!

24. I know your comments are not to me personally but I get them in my email and I am so insulted by what you write. I think you cannot be truly gay or love yourself for you to be putting such hurtful comments on this website. These beautiful people who share and continue to share their stories and are being open and honest do not need your judgement about the true word of God. Does God have your personal email or phone and call you? People like you who twist and turn the words that have been passed along for centuries are offensive. Especially on a site so raw with emotion and pain. So if you have your thoughts and opinions that’s great but don’t share them and hide them in God’s name. As the above post says respectfully disagree but don’t be condemning. Please, do not keep saying that people who are gay are sinners especially on here. The fire and brimstone text that you speak of has beaten the horse well into the ground.

    • Sorry that was meant for “Tim” my above comments! I don’t want anyone to think I’m just talking in general.

25. Connie, again – the original post was meant for Linda and based on the fact she said she prefers people respond here, thats why I did. The message was not intended for you or anyone else. She and I corresponded – and thats that. I am sorry if MY beliefs insult you. You are entitled to believe YOUR beliefs and I have no fault with that, whoever you are. Your beliefs don’t impact me, just as mine shouldn’t you. They were not meant to make you feel insulted. Just like a conversation someone on the other side of the country that is between someone else my comments or beliefs are not directed at you or anyone else who might read this blog. They are not hurtful comments because they were not intended to be, or directed at anyone (again). I believe what I believe and how I believe because of what I know to be true for myself. If that applies to others, so be it, if not, so be it. No one is condemning you or anyone you know and I don’t go around telling people what I think is wrong about their lives. Instead, I always try my best to share God’s love with them and in so doing, my hope is that they would search for Him themselves, and in so doing, learn and experience the liberation I have found in my own life – by following the commands and statutes, precepts and principles He has laid out in His Holy Word. I have nothing to hide and certainly not in God’s name. God does have my personal heart, He doesn’t need email or a telephone, He has His spirit to speak to us, any of us, if we just listen. God speaks to me in various ways and that doesn’t make me better or above or anything in comparison to others. I am simply sharing what I know to be true for me. I make no attempt to twist and turn anything. I said I believe, that people who commit homosexual acts are sinners, just like I believe everything else that God says in the bible, is a sin. People can search the matter out for themselves and make their own conclusions, again I stated what I believed. It may not be what you like, what you understand, or how you see the world or believe – but I am entitled to make my own conclusions just as anyone else does, so don’t condemn me for doing just that. I will continue to say the same thing over and over because its what I believe. My time here is done – and as I hopefully graciously step away, I do wish everyone the best, I wish it was easy for parents and people who struggle with this, but its not for most. I know it very very well. I was in a 14 year relationship, and I was “truly” gay as you indicate I may not be, whatever that means… it was the life I lived. It was one that brought me no eternal hope, it didn’t fulfill me, it along with the culture (for me) was not very healthy and while I do still have temptation, I have come to know a freedom from it all that others have a right to know about if they desire it. Linda said something earlier that I can’t really relate to – and perhaps that is the difference between myself and most and that was she had “gay, celibate, Christian” friends.” I use to identify myself as “gay” but God showed me I was much more than that, then I tried being celibate – and honestly I wasn’t very good at it – until the last few years, and I always thought of myself as a Christian. It wasn’t until the order of those identities changed that I started living a more abundant and free/liberating life with God. For me… identifying as Christian – but more specifically a follower of Christ and His teachings, more and more, overshadowed anything I did, i.e. being gay. Today the word gay means so many things, when in reality – its not. In my opinion (yes opinion) gay indicates one is a homosexual or lesbian, and the act of homosexuality is sexual and I believe that is a sin. But to be creative, to like gardening, to enjoy dance, to be an artist, to write poetry, to like certain colors, or this or that …that doesn’t conform to traditional masculine and feminine roles IS NOT GAY, it simply is what it is. So I can’t be gay, and be celibate and be a Christian in my mind. I am first a Christian – and I identify with Christ more than I identify with what I do, or say – but hopefully as my relationship continues to grow, then my actions, words, thoughts and deeds line up with the person of Christ, with His teachings, His ways, His mind, His spirit. I have seen this to be the case and true for my own life and it is the only way I have been liberated from something I learned to hate in my own life, because it caused so much heartache and pain. My parents told me they would disown me when they found out, I was kicked out of their home when I was 20 (if I recall)… but they later learned they were better off just loving me rather than trying to protect me from something they really had no knowledge of… only what they had been taught. So I was accepted, and I grew up and I had boyfriends, and they knew everything there was to know about my life. I was not condemned in Church (which was a rare place for me growing up) but I knew of something more and I knew there was more to me than just being “gay”. I realized from a simple review of my image and my partners’ image in the mirror that I could never naturally produce life. And that put me on a journey of discovering. I feel deeply in love with another man, and that was the revelation to understanding and really truly having a relationship with God. It was pure, unconditional and eternal. He used that to reveal Himself to me and ironic as it may sound it was that relationship that made me pursue God. And it has been my relationship with God that has transformed my life. Thats all I would want for anyone because His great love is so indescribable, overwhelming, He is so merciful, gracious and forgiving. That is the message I would say to everyone, regardless of their sin or regardless of what I think is sin or not. So again, I am sorry you felt condemned by my words, but they are my words and what I believe to be the teachings and principles of God. We can disagree on that, but please don’t attack me for simply being honest. I don’t go around telling homosexuals they are wrong and are going to hell…I don’t go around trying to find sin or wrong things in people’s lives. I simply stated my beliefs, whether you agree or not and I really just wanted to thank Linda and her husband for their story/message and for loving their son, regardless. My views will never change on this subject no matter how much you or anyone else may persecute me for believing the way I do. God bless you, seriously… I have no ill will toward you and your life, whatever it may be or however it may be lived.

    • Yours is ALWAYS a welcome voice here, Tim. Your story is sacred and beautiful…thank you for being so honest about how God has worked in your life.

26. I wanted to contact you directly but I didn’t know how, haha. I can’t fully express everything I felt when I read this article but I just want to thank you for opening up about your personal relationship with your son and the experiences you had. This has touched me more than I can express.

    • Wow…Your words bless me! Thanks for reminding me that God can use our mistakes for some good.

27. Linda, God has blessed us all through such a heart wrenching event. I am sitting here crying for I would have loved to be there for Ryan. I am a 47 year old Christian gay man (by the way from Seattle) and all I want for the LGBT community is for them to know that God loves them Jesus is the answer for us to be free, not from homosexuality – it does not happen. We should celebrate who we are for it is a sin for us to not be who God intended us to be. I want Christians out there to know that when one does call being gay a sin, or even it actions, that they are telling people in the gay community that we are not loved really hated by God for many have been by their own parents and friends in the name of God – so the sin word has taken on a different meaning among my people. It is equated with hate and loathing – aloneness. It is really hard for us to be in a minority and when growing up we do not know how to see ourselves as much as I know parents that do not know how to respond or see their kids, especially Christian parents.

    Thank you Linda, I hope one day to be able to meet your family, to grieve a bit with you and to celebrate who God has made you because of this grief. Many I am sure have been and will be blessed.

    • Scott – you articulated the problem perfectly – THANK YOU!

28. Linda,
    I would like to thank you for sharing your and your family’s story. I was very touched. While I’m not Christian, I come from a conservative Christian family and your story seems very familiar at times. I agree completely that is very important to look at people as individuals and learn their stories in order to learn through life. The world would be a much better place if we stopped thinking about what others ‘represent’ but who they are. When I first saw your video and read your story in the HuffPost, I was frustrated and angry for what your story and your family represented in my mind. However, I decided to read more and found your blog. After learning more about your story, I am very happy I did. The anger I felt came from the pain and discrimination that I’ve experienced that I believed you ‘represented’. It’s too easy for us to label others and make them ‘represent’ something for us instead of listening to their voice as you suggest. Of course, I still feel the frustration and anger about how we as a society behave but I understand a perspective I didn’t before and I have learned and been changed. For that, I am grateful.

    Daniel

    • Daniel, I am humbled by you. No wonder you were angry…Thank you for pushing through that and listening to our story. It is people like you, sharing your stories, that helped open our eyes.

29. Appreciate you sharing, great blog.Thanks Again. Cool.

30. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your story. It hit me straight in the heart. You are a real inspiration to re-think authentic love. Thanks again.

31. Dear Linda,

    I am neither a Christian nor gay. Over the years I have found myself growing more judgmental, closed and condemning of what I see as a one-dimensional Christian voice. Being a straight ally of the LBGT community I thought The Christians were the enemy. I write this with tears in my eyes and my soul for my own hardened and unforgiving heart, and I am grateful for you sharing your experience and knowing of Jesus and God. I never wanted a relationship with either since their teachings seemed to generate such hatred and pain amongst humans. Your words from your NATL video, “…the kingdom of God will not be complete without you” keep ringing in my heart. I don’t know if you really meant everyone… even me. Even me who judges the judgers, who condemns the condemners, who has no love for the haters. I am sorry for my small heart. I am sorry that I lack compassion for everyone.

    Thank you for being an example of such complete love. such Christian love.

    Misty

    • Misty…oh, sweet friend…I wish I could hug you. What a tender heart you truly have! And even if you did not, God loves us because of who HE is – He IS love – and He created us. And no, His kingdom will not be complete without YOU. Please friend me on FaceBook, Misty…I would love to have another ally friend, whether you share my faith or not. XOXOXOX

32. I don’t know why my eyes and heart keep overflowing… thank you for your reply. I am not a facebook person, so I will just have to friend you with my heart. If you are every in Virginia let me know and we can share that hug, and a cup of tea, and stories.

    • You got it!! XOXOXOXOXOX

33. Mrs. Robertson,
    My name is Brandon and I’m a 19 year old college student in Texas. First, I just want to thank you so much for the incredible love you show to the LGBTQ community. I grew up in a very conservative, evangelical home. I went to church my entire life and always considered myself a deeply spiritual person. I went to every Bible study, every summer camp, memorized Scripture, and acted as a mentor to my younger brother.
    When I discovered my attraction to guys when I was 13, I was absolutely terrified. I knew that feelings like that were wrong and so I just prayed even more and hoped they would go away, but they didn’t. When I was 15, I met a guy at school who eventually ended up being my first boyfriend, although we were both deeply in the closet at the time. Ultimately, my parents found out, took away my phone, computer, and refused to let me leave the house except for church and school. I spent the next three years undergoing counseling with an affiliate of Exodus International and managed to convince my parents and my therapist that all of my same-sex attractions were gone.
    During the course of this therapy, I developed, and continue to struggle with, so much depression and self-loathing that there are days when I can barely make it to class. I always live in fear of my parents finding out and cutting off my tuition or disowning me completely. I’ve shut myself off emotionally from my parents to try and protect myself a little and they can tell. They’re both upset and worried because of it and I don’t know what to do. Do you think there’s anything I could do to help them start to accept my sexual orientation?
    Again, thank you so much for everything you’re doing.

    • Brandon, I think the FIRST and BEST thing for you to do is to come to terms with the fact that you are a gay Christian yourself…gain some confidence between you and the Lord, and get some support around you (in the form of other Christians who will love you) BEFORE you talk with your parents. You need some deep healing from all that self-loathing, dear friend. We will be praying for you!
      Have you read Justin Lee’s book, Torn?? If you haven’t, order it NOW…it is AMAZING. And connect with GCN: http://www.gaychristian.net/ You can connect online with other gay Christians who have gone through such difficult, healing work there. Quite a few of the moms in our group live in Texas…I don’t know where you are, but I’d love to connect you with one of them if they are anywhere near you! I am so glad you found this blog, Brandon…YOU are beloved by the Lord…He is fiercely passionate over YOU…just as you are. I know that I know that I know that fact…His heart grieves over your pain. We will be praying…please keep us updated! Or friend me on Facebook…Linda Mueller Robertson. Much love to you!!

34. My name is Ricardo-Gay and I really hope God blesses you and your family for supporting LGBT Love is the Key! Love You Linda!

    • :_ )))))

35. Came across your beautiful story by first coming across an article in the september 18th issue of SFGN newspaper in wilton manors, ft. lauderdale, florida. I must say that your words about Christ’s love is so on point with what I felt Him telling me for quite sometime! I’m a gay born again christian and have been experiencing BEAUTIFUL secrets with God( angles with trumpets in cloud formation, opening the bible and the first page i open tells me exactly what I needed to hear after a prayer!) God is good and He loves this.gay son. One secret that i’m able to share is Jesus has me talk to my friends and peers using the words “spiritual relationship with Jesus” as opposed to “eing born -again” because God knows the negative connotations.those words spark in the ears of homosexual s. Thank you for your obedience to Christ so that I may experience listening to the testimony of you and your husband. Be well and remember that God’s peace in your heart is worth so much more than man’s version of God’s peace in your memories.

    -Edward
    Wilton manors, Florida

36. Linda,
    I want you to know that your story has given me hope. Hope that I will no longer have to live in immense shame, condemnation, depression and self-loathing. Hope that when I come out to my conservative, evangelical parents, that they will be able to love me for who I am. Hope that one day I will be able to love myself as God created me. And most of all, hope in the fact that I can still serve God and love Jesus with all of my heart and not feel like a removed member of the body of Christ.
    And for this, I cannot thank you enough for sharing.

    • Dale…YOU have given me hope that God can bring redemption and healing even from my worst screw-ups. Our God is good!

37. Hi Linda,

    I’m a 25 yr old hispanic male with a Spanish speaking mother. I was raised pentacostal Christian and I am gay. No longer practicing Christianity because of the messages on the pulpit I’ve witnessed growing up. I came out officially to everyone at age 22 and I still have a mother who isn’t accepting although she tells me she is. At coming out, she’s said some horrible things. She doesn’t want any of my immediately family to know. My siblings, which I’m thankful for are supportive, but no one else outside of my siblings know. I’ve cut her off before, but she hasn’t ever tried to understand, so I’m hoping that once I translate your article in Spanish, something can stir her.

    Thank you for your work and in all, I do count the blessings in the people who accept this part of me with no conditions.

    Best!

    • Wow…I will be praying that her heart might be opened…even a little bit. I applaud your courage to keep moving toward her, in spite of so much past rejection. And thank you for sharing how what you’ve heard at church has affected your own walk with God; That is one of the most heartbreaking things about what the church has done – pushed people AWAY from God rather welcoming them in, to worship together.

38. Linda, I just read your life story through a post on the Six 11 Ministries. Over a year ago, our 24 year old son came out and unfortunately it was not a pretty picture in our Christian home. We were unprepared as he was our youngest of four, the other three are married and found out before we did, and we never suspected. His siblings encourgaged him to tell us as he was moving out of state to live with a young man. Needless to say, we have not had a relationship this last year with him. He recently moved back, that relationship ended, and we were not sure what was happening. We tried to have a talk with him to find out if he was having a change of heart on his SSA. However, he is quite ademant that he is still gay and will always be gay. He is quite angry with us and our talk did not go well. We have gone through, I am sure, every emotion a parent goes through and have also met with a couple that also lost their gay son through a car accident. I have been praying for God to change my heart, as my children have always been my life. Then, this morning, I read your letter and feel that God is definitely speaking to me on just loving him and accepting him. I would appreciate your prayers as this goes against everything I have believed and it will be hard for us to come out of the closet also. But I do not want to think about a day when we would have to experience what you have gone through and know we did not to all to enjoy him. Thank you for sharing!

    • nkirvin – Please forgive me for being so slow to respond – I haven’t been home and didn’t want to do it from my phone while waiting in line at Costco! My heart is breaking for you…I so remember feeling EXACTLY as you have felt, and responding the same way, too. My heart is rejoicing that God is answering your prayers and giving you reassurance so quickly…there are SO many Christian, Jesus-following moms who have been exactly where you are, trying to reconcile what they’ve been taught all their lives with their love for their child. If you’d like to connect with all of us who are walking that journey, please find me on Facebook (Linda Mueller Robertson), friend me and send me a message, and I’ll add you to our (very) private group. You will find people to pray with, cry with and who will share how they figured out how to continue loving God’s Word at the same time they fully love and affirm their LGBTQ child. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing! Praying for you…and hoping you will join us!

39. Hi, my son just came out to us and we are devastated. I heard there is a support group on Facebook and I would like to join. I do have a lot of hope in God and am committed to loving him through this process no matter what. I heard about your story just a few weeks before my son told us he’s gay, and your narrative of unconditional love really affected me and helped me to respond appropriately, so THANK YOU! I have a counseling background and know people can find freedom but some do not. I would love to talk and pray with other people going through this process. Blessings, Helen

    • Helen…I am SO glad that you found us! I will email you all the information on our FaceBook group right now! Much love to you, dear friend!

    • Helen,
      I understand as an Xian that you are disappointed that your son is gay. Speaking as a gay son, using words like “devastated” is what drives so many gay children to suicide, or dissolution of family ties. Finding out your child has cancer is “devastating”. Language matters, especially the words you use that find their way to your son’s ear.

      It’s not just about loving your children, it is about ACCEPTING them for who they are. Unconditionally. Good luck with your own process.

40. Linda & Rob, I (Dan Grimes) am a Free Methodist pastor in Janesville, WI. We are in the process of learning how to minister to all people in our community and practicing hospitality with all. This has been a bit controversial with some of the other pastors in the North Central Conference of the FMC. I recently read Dr. Denny Wayman’s paper entitled: God’s Love Expressed and Experienced and read your and Ryan’s story. I plan to be at the conference of the Gay Christian Network to be held in Chicago in January. I am anxious to hear you speak. I would love to have the opportunity to have a phone conversation with you to get some advise about what God is doing in Emmanuel Church. Please email me and I will share my cell number with you.

41. I would love to start a conversation with you. I am studying to be a Unitarian Universalist minister and I had the great pleasure of attending your church this past Sunday. As an out, gay, black man, I had so many questions as to how someone like myself would or could navigate your community. I was overwhelmed by the beauty and the scope of the worship and also the intentionality of the community. But at the same time, I thought “what would these people do if they knew about my lifestyle as easily as they could see my race?” You may also want to check out my blog which alternately deals with spirituality, bodies and politics. I am deeply impressed with your commitment to making sure your beautiful son’s life was never wasted. Please let me know how we might be able to communicate. Many of my friends are transgender and queer and very, very Christian and when I see what your church does, I think about how amazing it would be to have that same kind of impact in a completely open and affirming way. Of course we’re here in Berkeley, where its easier, but I know there are people up in your area who are also seeking God and have many of the same questions I did entering your church. “Is the message of love and salvation being preached for me too?”

    Again, I would love to be in touch. Thank you, Adam

    • Adam! I wish I had known you were there! We sit with our LGBTQ LifeGroup – a long row of gay, lesbian, bi and sometimes trans Christian friends!! You would have been SO welcomed, by us, AND by our pastoral team. THEY are the ones who suggested we start a LifeGroup! Our church is not technically affirming, but they are walking with us, and are simply LOVING, as we all seek Jesus together. Next time you are in town I would love to have you join us! Are you going to GCN, by any chance??

      • Hello again Linda. We should probably continue this offline…:) When you have a chance, please send me a message through my website and I can give you my contact info. So much to share! http://www.adamdyersays.com/

42. Thank you, Linda. Read many of the posts and your comments. A friend of mine with a gay son posted something on Facebook today about the current controversy (Ducks and Methodist pastor’s son) with a blog that basically said, it is not about right and wrong, but about LOVE. I couldn’t agree more – that has been my heart throb for many years but you have carried the message well, into the gay community. I have a long story I could share, but let me just affirm you and the message of God’s amazing, incredible, unconditional love which needs to be demonstrated not just to the gay community, but to all mankind. The church is so full of schisms, because we value our own opinions more than we value the greatest demonstration of LOVE the world has seen – Jesus laid His life down and we are to do the same for one another. Blessings, Tara

    • Bless YOU, Tara! Your words, and your grace, are GIFTS!

43. It was difficult to read your post. I hope you (and others) will read my full comment even if it becomes difficult at times.

    I spent the first part of your post feeling anger rising towards you and your husband. I was raised Roman Catholic, always went to mass, served as an altar boy in two parishes, and went to private Catholic school from prekindergarten through high school.

    I knew in the third grade I was gay. I was at a friend’s house after school and in one of his books was an illustration of a shirtless man for some story. We both stared at this illustration and giggled, and I remember feeling butterflies in my stomach. It is not a feeling that has ever waned even when I went through the motions of dating girls in highschool for the appearance of it. Like your son, I just knew.

    The first elementary school I was in was old world catholic that literally beat religious adherence into you; I came to prefer the ruler on my hand vs the human hand slapping my face as it seemed somehow less personal. I witnessed first hand how religion can be used to persecute others even when someone thinks it is for their salvation. One of the worst memories I have is when Pope John Paul’s attempted assassination attempt happened in 1981 all of us (third graders) had to kneel for the rest of the day and pray silently without speaking, bathroom breaks, or lunch as if we were somehow guilty parties and our suffering would change anything. I still remember one classmate who wet herself as she was denied a bathroom break and was forced to stay kneeling in it until it was time to go.

    My mother eventually switched me to a more Second Vatican type catholic school where I was encouraged to question my religion in order to own it. I learned eventually to not fear it as something established for the sake of punishment. In some ways I began to embrace it to a degree. In highschool it was through the Marist brothers that I learned the power of using your intelligence to love God and that true belief is not forced onto one but something that blossoms within organically and naturally.

    Yet in spite of this educated and loving doctrine of religion that I eventually learned I still hated it.

    I witnessed people commit such fiendish acts of hate, or at best indifference, on each other but then wrap themselves in piousness of religion as some sort of periodic cleanser akin to a video game that restored used lives. I question how people use religion as a rationale for telling others how they should live their life instead of a way to live their own. I deplore that religion is a political force in civil matters. Finally, I hate that religion is cited as a reason that I as a gay man is supposed to be viewed as some kind of degenerate unworthy of not just my civil rights, but in some circles the dignity and respect you would give a total stranger. For all of this, I was angry at you and your husband for most of the post.

    But now that you understand my feelings on religion, you need to know my feelings on your son’s death. It was not religion, nor you, nor your husband’s fault.

    My father was a very religious and pious man who drank himself to death. My mother was a religious person who smoked herself to death. I, who hated religion, but never myself spent a number of years addicted to drugs both illegal and legal. There were a number of things that I could find “at fault” for my usage during those years, but the truth was I decided to engage in drug use and I became addicted. Once someone is addicted to a substance it matters not if their family loves and accepts them. It doesn’t matter whether they are rich or poor. There is no difference in suffering or ability to escape addiction regardless of gender, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. When you are addict there is no cause outside of the call of the addiction.

    I do not deny that your son had reasons to be angry with you, or at the least feel immense sadness and heartache of an idea that perhaps you and your husband chose your religious beliefs over him. Obviously I don’t know those feelings for a fact, but your post intimates your belief of that so I am making an assumption. What I do know though is that you should not blame yourself for your son’s death, nor feel that your son is a victim to anyone else but his own choice. I also know that your son would be proud of you, as any gay man would of his parents, for bringing a message to the public of unconditional love over judgement.

    Mr. and Mrs. Robertson as a non-religious gay man who suffers both religious intolerance and addiction I hope you can appreciate my point that everyone has transgressions, sins, or acts of weakness. Your story and the telling of it is of the opposite of that. It is love realized even it feels too late. May you have a sense of serenity in knowing and understanding that.

    • Mark, you make so many good points. And clearly, you understand addiction. We know that we didn’t directly kill our son, but the mistakes we made contributed greatly to his decision to begin using substances, and for that, we are indescribably sorry. We share our story in the hope that other conservative Christian parents will realize that the traditional rhetoric of the evangelical church is incredibly dangerous to the hearts, minds, souls and spirits of our LGBTQ children.

44. As a gay man who grew up Christian and with a profound desire to please God, then left the church at 17 and struggled to find his way in the world without a community or compass, I am so deeply moved by your story. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. You have helped me.

    • Much love to you, Justin! Thank you for your kind words.

45. My heart is broken for all you have lost, and joyful for everything you have gained. Life is so, so, so messy.

    Most of all, I want to thank you for taking those powerful, life altering and life affirming lessons and passing them down the line. While my husband and I joyfully put on a wedding for our daughter and her now wife, the path doesn’t always seem clear for me and often feels like I walk it alone.

    • Michelle…what a HUGE blessing that must have been for your daughter and her wife!! And yes, this is OFTEN a lonely road. It might not be a good fit for you, but we do have a private FaceBook group for Christian moms who love their LGBTQ kids, and it is a GREAT support. Friend me on Facebook if you are interested (Linda Mueller Robertson). Much love to you!
      P.S. And yes…life is SO very messy. I couldn’t agree more.

46. I am like many here, so deeply moved by you and your husband’s humility in dealing with this “game changer”. I truly believe you do the best you can until you know better and when you know better then you do better. I am early my journey as a mother of a 6 year old with special needs and a nearly 3 year old. I was raised in a “liberal” LDS home (oxymoron anyone?) and have as an adult chosen to take an agnostic approach and often times find it difficult to connect with overly conservative Christians. You have renewed my faith in the good in all people. I can only wish to have a fraction of the humble grace and awareness that you and your husband showed to your son. Your story filled my chest with deep emotion and insight into loving because they breathe! I will be forever grateful. Bless your family.

    • Wow – Cheryl – your words of grace touch me DEEPLY. Bless YOU!!

47. Dear Mrs. Robertson:

    A dear friend called my attention to your story: “Just because he breathes.” I was deeply moved by it and felt compelled to write.

    First of all, please allow me to introduce myself the way I am wont to do these days. On February 7, I will begin my 84th year of life out of the womb. As of this past Christmas Day, I am now in my 37th year of life out of the closet. Like Mark above, I knew that I was different at a very young age. I knew I was different prior to my entry into grammar school and a couple of years later I was able to put a “label” on that difference. I grew up in a Southern Baptist home, therefore, Sunday School was a given. One morning during a break between that and the morning worship service, we were playing outside and I heard one child refer to another as a “queer.” I had no idea what that was and I asked my friend who had also heard it, “What is a queer?” His response started me on the pathway to a near lifetime of lying: “My dad says that queers are boys and men who would rather see naked men than naked women and that everyone of them ought to be killed.” Regardless of that man’s lack of understanding of sexual orientation, his definition instilled fear in the heart of a little boy who then began a life of doing everything he could to keep from being discovered as one of “them.”

    Lying, both directly and indirectly, became a pattern of my life. No amount of prayer could change me from one of them to the more “non-abominable” kind of person. I hid my real self—through high school, college and a period of military service during the Korean War—from the world at great cost, even though I was called to ministry and I attended a Southern Baptist seminary and became an ordained Southern Baptist minister and served in that capacity for more than a decade. The pressure, however, became overpowering and at the age of 40+ I made an unsuccessful attempt to end my life to relieve that pressure. I am glad I was unsuccessful.

    Six years later, after I had left the ministry and was working on my doctorate, I finally decided that I could no longer live the lie and determined that a statement I had read really was applicable to me: “I would rather be hated for who I AM than to be loved for who I am NOT.” I wanted to tell my aging parents first. At Christmas dinner in 1977 I came out to them and to my favorite aunt and uncle AFTER we had finished eating. Being Bible-reading and God-fearing parents, they were in a state of shock and disbelief. (“We had no idea.”) Naturally, they were concerned about “what Scripture says.” Believe me, I knew all those “proof texts” by heart, but my question to them in a later discussion was this: “Do you believe that I was truly called to ministry?” and they responded that they believed it without a doubt. My next question was, “Don’t you believe that God knew I was gay at the time?” There was silence. “And if God knew, would the call have persisted as it did if it were wrong?” My parents became by greatest supporters before their deaths and when I partnered with the only man whom I loved and who loved me in return, the first thing they did was to invite him to visit with me at Christmas the next year. They loved him, too. He died in 2009 as well, at the age of 95. We were together for nearly three decades.

    We have heard forever that gayness is “caused” by an overbearing mother or an absentee father. I don’t believe that. My gayness was about me and had nothing to do with anything that my parents did or didn’t do. It is also said that homosexuality is a learned behavior. Never mind that homosexulity is not a behavior but an orientation, but from whom would I have learned it when I did not meet another person whom I knew to be gay until I was 47 years old? And I am so weary of hearing that trite little statement, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Trying to separate the two is an effort on the part of many Christians, subconsciously, to absolve themselves from the guilt of hatred. But when I, the “sinner,” am defined as the behavior that is called the “sin,” then the person using that little statement is really saying, “Hate sinner, hate the sin,” and will have to work further toward absolution from the unchristian act of hatred.

    Neither you nor your husband is responsible for Ryan’s gayness. Some of us just are and the rest of the world needs to get over it. Nor would I consider you responsible for Ryan’s death. Tragedy happens. I am sorry you had to experience it. Yet I want to thank you for the very active role you seem to have taken in working with the LGBT community on their issues.

    I would like to send you a couple of other items by email. My address is thayes9217@aol.com. If you are comfortable in contacting me in that manner, I would be happy to share them with you and your husband.

    Sincerely,

    Dr. Theodore (Ted) W. Hayes
    Kingston, NY

    • Dr. Hayes, I feel like I just walked on sacred ground…your story was so beautiful…so holy…so obviously part of God’s plan. Thank you SO much for sharing. We will contact you!

48. Oh man. Such a powerful story. Thank you so much for being bold and strong enough to share it. I am gay. The adversity we face daily is just too hard sometimes. I have struggled so much with who God is to me because of my sexuality. I have lost Him. This gives me hope. Even just a little. Thank you for loving above all else.

    • Natassia…I am so glad that it gives you a little hope…I believe, with all of my heart, that even though you feel like you have lost God, HE hasn’t lost you. He hasn’t stopped loving you for even one moment. Much love to you, new friend!

49. HI Linda
    I am a 39 yr old gay male. I moved up here to the Redmond /Woodinville Area from Los Angeles with my partner of 12 years. and i read your story about your gay son. Let me first say how sorry i feel your loss. This is truly a moving story. I was raised catholic and i always felt that being gay/Lesbian does not go hand in hand with the church. But lately i feel like am missing something and i feel that after more than 20 years of not attending church services, I feel that it is time i start attending church services again. I wanted to say that it very supporting to see powerful people such as yourself as an advocate for our rights and our causes like HIV/AIDS Truly Inspiring and will make it easier for me to attend church services again.. Thank you !! Carlos

    • Carlos!! You live right here!! Let me know if you’d ever like to join our Affirming Hope Lifegroup…we meet on Wednesdays at our house. Friend me on Facebook if you are interested! (Linda Mueller Robertson) Bless you for your kind words, friend!

50. Thank you for sharing your story! It’s all about love. God is love after all. I am a southern baptist and have always been taught that God would not create someone who would want to love someone who is the same sex as themselves. Who are we to make that statement. God will do what He wants. We should not be judgmental! We should love one another. Thank you so much for opening my eyes!!!!

    • Amen, Susie! Thank you for being so open and willing to learn and grow with me, as God reveals Himself to us!