On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between Jesus and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between God and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner. But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, and in our growing family as they marry…but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
If you’d like to listen to a much more extensive version of our story, it was filmed at Towne View Baptist Church in Kennesaw, GA in May 2022. There is also a recording of my presentation from NorthPoint Church in Atlanta from May 2021, which does not include everything from my more recent presentation, but does include a Q&A time that I’ve told has been helpful for many parents.
You can also view our story as presented as part of For They Know Not What They Do, available on Amazon & iTunes.
I am now working full-time (as a volunteer) working with parents of LGBTQ+ children whose children have just come out, or who are struggling to reconcile their faith with their love for their child. If you or someone you know has an LGBTQ child and needs support, I lead a weekly Parent Support Group that meets every Wednesday, and I’m also on the board of QChristian Fellowship, where I lead the Parent Team – we have all kinds of great resources (other Biblical resources can be found at The Reformation Project‘s website – I’m a big fan!)
I’ll be at a conference in Washington D.C. for LGBTQ people of faith (or from faith backgrounds) in early January 2023…if you are from the community, a family member, pastor, or ally, come join us there!
I’ve also got a conference coming up in Chicago May ’23 for parents and family of LGBTQ people – more details to come.
Much love to each person who has found their way here…
March 30, 2022
For resources, click here.
2,418 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
This message is for Linda. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really resonated with me. I hope that you find peace and know that as a Mom, we do the best that we can. You are not perfect, and no one should expect you to be, much less yourself. Give yourself the grace of the mistakes in that past, and know that your son loved you, and knew you loved him as well. -Elizabeth, Indiana
Dear Miss Linda. I lift you and Rob up, for losing a loved one is so painful. I’m a man of God and though I want to preach and quote Scripture, I have learned in times like these to simply speak from the heart, as otherwise we might not be received well. Please hear me. God has not changed nor has his Word. You are not at fault for the sequence of events that ended up where they are. The enemy crept in and used drugs as a weapon to keep your son from considering the clarity which you urged him to use. I’m convinced that you know this. However, you feel compelled to try to right a wrong that you never committed. Please don’t oppose God. He knew Ryan before you knew him. If we truly believe that God is who He claims to be, then know how much He loved us when He gave up His Only Begotten Son in order to reunite a fallen world to Himself. The enemy is still working. He wants to use your pain to help guide others to believe follow a course of conduct that the Word of God clearly calls sin. With the testimony I heard from you as you first began to share your story, I would be totally surprised if you don’t come under conviction about this current trend. When you do, you want to be in a worse shape of have to regret the impact that you have had on so many lives who trusted you to tell them that God accepts us breaking his commands. Think about how you are being used to accomplish what others want. Undoubtedly, you don’t believe this for yourself, right? I trust you will hear my heart. – Eddie
Oh, Eddie…I hear your heart of love for God, and for others. Thank you for reaching out with kindness. You and I see this so very differently, my friend. We see Christ very, very differently. I’ve never been more sure, or at more peace, in my entire life about God’s truly relentless, scandalous, not-at-all-humanlike Love for each one of His children. I know, deep, deep down in my soul, that God is a VASTLY better parent than I am, and I could never, ever condemn one of my children for something they did, or even worse, for who they are.
I am so full of joy that the people in my life are coming to know God’s love as I do – so truly unconditional! They are following Christ’s commands – the ones He said summed up ALL the laws and the prophets: to Love God and to Love our neighbors as ourselves. And every single day I see abundant fruit coming from this – quite the opposite of the shame, guilt, and self-loathing that comes from teaching LGBTQ people that God rejects their very being.
Would you be willing to take the time to watch my entire presentation? I’d so appreciate it if you’d listen to the way God spoke to me about my boy…it truly changed my life.
I am trusting that you will hear my heart, and trust the way that Christ has worked in my life, Eddie.
Very well said. Very sensitively worded. The word of God clearly states there is no salvation without repentance and turning from that sin, be it addiction, lifestyle or life choices..
I have seen this over and over where parent or loved ones get so tied up in guilt and sorrow that they change and they become tools for lies and deception of the evil one…one who comes as an angel of light.
Unfortunately there is a movement that replaces repentance and turning from sin with “love”.
Unfortunately, one does not have to have salvation to show or even have love, even though love is an effect of salvation.
Just for the record, you are saying that I have become a “tool for lies and deception of the evil one.”
If there is one thing I know about myself, one thing everyone who actually knows me knows, my heart is not evil. I am ALL ABOUT LOVE. If you were actually in my life, you’d know that, too. I have lots of people in my life who don’t agree with how I view Jesus, or how I think Jesus loves ALL people (not just those who have been “saved” as American evangelicals define it).
But even those who disagree with me know that I love them. And they love me. And all of my close relationships are defined by truly unconditional love.
Sending you love today, Paul. Even if you think I am a tool of Satan. 😉
Love you Linda ❤️
God bless you, Linda for sharing your story of loss and pain to help other parents avoid the same loss and pain. God is most definitely reflected in you.
Thank you, Michele. After a week of a lot of hate coming my way, your kindness is a comfort.
Linda, I am once again inspired by your meeting hateful posts with love and grace. You are much kinder to these people than I would be. It never ceases to astound me how so many so-called Christians just don’t get it. Which part of “God is love” is so hard to understand? Happy holidays.
The important part that says there is no salvation without confession and repentance and turning from sin.
The “love” that comes from salvation, comes AFTER salvation. Love and salvation/God’s forgiveness are 2 entirely different things. Salvation does bring love but sinners, agnostics, athiests and any other sort of person can have love and show it.
Salvation brings love but love does NOT bring salvation.
Preaching truth from God’s word is not hate, it is intended (thru the Holy Spirit’s conviction) to cause discomfort to those who have something to be uncomfortable about in their soul.
Thanks for chiming in here, Paul, with your thoughts.
I think that you and I define love very, very differently. Can you give me an example of how your own parents reflected the DIVINE Love of Christ when you were a child? Were they a mirror for you of the way you believe that God loves each of His children?
Thanks, Paul. That may work for you, but it’s too complex for me. Also, you seem to suggest that we qualify for God’s live by achieving salvation. This would contradict the idea that it’s God’s kindness that leads to repentance. But this discussion might be for another forum. Peace to you!
Linda, once again, I am inspired by your loving and gracious responses to these hateful posts. You are much more kind to these people than I would be. Never ceases to astound me how all these so-called Christians just don’t seem to get it. What part of “God is love” is so hard to understand? Happy holidays to all.
You are a gift, @redmondguy! Sending you so much love!
Thank you! Seems I commented twice. Thought that first one didn’t go through- you can delete that one! Sometimes this site can be confusing…
I came across this article while currently writing an email to my pastor at our church as for guidance with parenting in a similar situation. I am attaching it for him to read as well. Tears streaming down my face. Thank you for this perspective as I navigate a similar route with my young son.
For me, the question has never been “Does God forgive me?”, but rather “Do I forgive GOD?”. And honestly, we’re good.
I’m shocked to see you’re still responding to comments on this blog. I’ve just read the whole thing, bawling my way through it, as I’m sure countless other queer people have told you.
I’m struggling with what to say. On the one hand, I don’t want to elevate you for doing the bare minimum in response to your heavily consequential mistakes. On the other hand, we are all human, engaged in this effort together, and encouragement is a necessary fuel. On the third and final hand (I’m an alien), I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I’d like to speak.
Thanks for doing the real work of repentance. Not just acknowledging your wrongs, exposing deep wounds in the process, but also choosing something better, and never from a place of defensiveness. Thanks for creating tools that are saving other queer youth the pain that Ryan went through (and other parents the pain that you went through). Thanks, specifically, for creating tools of comfort for youth who have gone through that pain. Thanks for choosing courage over shame, even when it’s costly, after already having lost so much.
I’m asexual. I didn’t see myself as queer for a long time, but I benefitted heavily from the work done by LGBTQ+ activists before me. I don’t like thinking about how different my life would be if I were 15 years older than I am. Over the last few years, watching culture and legislation attack queer people in more direct ways, I realized the damage caused by straight-passing people choosing privilege over solidarity and came to fully acknowledge my orientation as a queer one. But I’m also straight (heteroromantic), so I have to engage queer spaces with a sensitivity to, and without an attachment to, that privilege. For these reasons, traditional theology around same-sex relationships has torn me up even though it doesn’t effect me personally. Our well-being is tied together.
I didn’t come out to my dad until 2019, when I was getting married. Didn’t come out to the strongest parent-figures in my life until 8 months ago. Your words are what I wish I’d heard. Your acknowledgements of Ryan’s hurt, even and especially when you caused it, your affirmations of his value and dignity, your stable confidence when circumstances might make it easy for you to fear. Thanks. Keep it up.
Abby, thanks so much for taking the time to share your much-valued thoughts and feelings. You couldn’t have said it better – Our well-being is tied together. I think that is the wisest thing I’ve heard today…and more true than I’ll personally ever fully understand!