Just Because He Breathes

A Letter to the “Just Because He Breathes” Haters

This week I’ve been deluged with messages and comments by people who are incensed and infuriated by our story. By us. I didn’t see it coming this time since I haven’t blogged or knowingly posted our story anywhere lately.

You have called us f-king murderers, child abusers, people who should never have been parents, and self-obsessed narcissists who demanded apologies from our son without ever realizing that we were the ones who had wronged him. You’ve told us that we might as well have shot our son, point blank, before he came out, because that would have been more merciful than what we did do. We’ve read how idiotic and stupid we were to not learn basic parenting truths until our son was on the streets, killing himself with narcotics. You’ve called us some pretty horrible names, some that have been posted online, some not. I’ve only read a small fraction of these kinds of comments, but from those I have read, I hear your message loud and clear.

And these are just from those of you who hate us from the “left” side of the conversation. There is a whole separate contingent of people who condemn us from the other side…but thankfully, they’ve been quiet lately. Nope…the religious folks don’t like us much, either.

I have cried a lot this week. I have sobbed at the threads of truth contained in these hate-filled messages. Which might be gratifying to hear, for some of you.

I have to wonder, though, about you, the people who hate us. Do you really think that we are bragging about how we parented? Do you suppose that we told our story, at the request of a small group of underground LGBTQ students, with the intent of getting attention or garnering pity? Or even worse, with the purpose of accumulating accolades?

If so, you would be wrong. Dead wrong.

Admittedly, there have been countless LGBTQ people who have written to tell us of their similar experiences, and to thank us for sharing Ryan’s. There have been parents of gay children, both young and old, who have written to tell us that our story has prevented them from doing the same thing – following the prevalent, still widely preached belief that Christian parents with gay kids must do everything possible, if they love their children, to protect them from this allegedly soul-endangering immorality.

And many of those people have been exceedingly loving and gracious toward us. We are so thankful for each one who has written to tell us that our story has changed their story.
But please, don’t for a second think that those affirming words let us off the hook.

Please don’t imagine that we revel in some newfound “fame” or that we find solace in the number of times that the Huffington Post article was shared, or the view count of the video of our testimony at Exodus’ final conference.

None of this makes the pain any less.

For those of you who want to be sure that we know how wretched we are, be comforted. We know all too well and feel the pain of that knowledge every day.

I wish you could sit down and ask our close friends, our surviving kids, our therapist and our pastors whether or not we are really aware of the severity of our mistakes, the complete wrongness of our actions. They would tell you what I tell you now:

We don’t live for a single moment without regret.

Our much loved eldest son and dear friend Ryan is dead – a fact that I daily try to get my brain wrapped around – and if you have ever had a child and lost them, you know that the pain of losing a child NEVER leaves you. NEVER. We will live with intense sorrow over his death until our own deaths, and right now that sounds like a very, very long time.

When we weep and mourn we don’t question God or wonder why He allowed our son to die. We don’t have questions for God that complicate our grief…we only have questions and accusations of ourselves. The tapestry of our grief is woven through with threads of remorse, regret and self-reproach.

Each time our Affirming Hope LifeGroup packs our living room, we die inside a little as we ask ourselves if THIS was what we were so afraid of. These amazing, loving, responsible, honest, generous children of God. Really?? We didn’t want Ryan to grow up and be like them? These people who have become some of our closest friends?

Each time we read a heartbreaking coming out letter, we hear Ryan’s voice echoing from the pages, revealing new depths of the pain he felt as a very young child, knowing that something was different…that he didn’t fit into the expected mold of our family.

Each time I sit down to work on writing a longer version of our journey through Ryan’s coming out and our responses, and in preparation, I read the things we wrote to him along with his replies and journal entries from those years, I fight utter despair at the deep, deep level of our misunderstanding. Once he wrote to me, in very large, all caps, “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!!!” Oh, how right he was. How completely right he was, and how tragically wrong we were. WE JUST DIDN’T GET IT.

For those of you who seem determined that we know how completely and totally wrong we were, WE GET IT NOW.

We have not insulated ourselves from the hundreds of stories from LGBTQ teens and adults, both written and told to us, stories that recount the intense pain, agony, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts caused by the same teachings that we communicated to Ryan. We have not stopped reading Ryan’s own journals that record that very same suffering.

But we also know that we’ll be continuing to “get it” at a deeper level the longer that we live in community with those who have been oppressed, listening to their pain and through them, learning about our own child.

For those of you are seem determined that we suffer and are held accountable for our mistakes, we can only say that the pain of knowing how deeply we wronged Ryan and not being able to sit down across from him and ask his forgiveness is agony beyond all attempt to describe.

We tell our story to anyone who will listen for ONE REASON ONLY. We are trying, in our own small way, to do something right. By exposing our own disastrous errors, we pray that others will learn from us, and treat their own children differently. We pray that it won’t take them six long years and losing their child to drugs and the streets in order to wake them up to the truth that every parent MUST love their children without any condition. Our children learn to love themselves through the love that we have for them. And a child who is told, “I love YOU, but I do not love your sin” does NOT hear love. He does not learn to love himself or that God loves him. Ryan did not. None of the thousands of gay children who have written to me have heard love through those words. None.

So, to those of you who have written to tell us of our utter depravity, we couldn’t agree more.

Many of you have rejected the God whose “words” were used to reject you, and we can see why. But for us, we know that we are utterly, completely broken and without hope. Our hope comes in the form of Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, the One who can take our deplorable actions and use them, somehow, to give hope to others…to speak His love to those who have been told they are unworthy of it…to give parents who have told their children they are no longer welcome at home the humility to ask their kids for forgiveness…to kneel before them and weep for their own sin. In the words of a band that Ryan loved, here is what our Hope looks like, in the face of our utter depravity:

I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
and on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way

and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart
and there’s no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

on that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
all of our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
but until then all of our scars will still remain, but we’ve learned that if we’ll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal

as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart
and there’s no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds

when someone stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there’s no greater love. we must open up our wounds
From Thrice’s album Vheissu, released on October 17, 2005.
Listen here

And as long as God keeps using our story in to build bridges for others, we will continue to open up our wounds and share each time He prompts us to.

We don’t expect you to agree with, or even respect our faith (especially since many of you have been gravely harmed in the name of Jesus) and you don’t have to believe that our motives are good, but I hope you will see that we choose to speak out about our story ONLY because we believe that we were wrong.

There are many, many leaders and pastors out there still teaching that parents should treat their gay children just as we did, and for that reason, we cannot stay silent. This is not about us. This is about the children, the pre-teens, the teens, the young adults and adults who are still living in self-condemnation, not believing that they are worthy of God’s love, because that is what they are hearing from their church communities and from their parents. And that has to stop.

Lives are at stake.

So even if you hate us, can we please agree on this one thing? If we each do our part to stop the oppression and start saving the lives of LGBTQ kids, maybe we can actually be a world with fewer haters and a lot more lovers.

Note: To those who feel compelled to write and tell us to forgive ourselves…thank you for caring about us, and wanting to ease our pain by encouraging us to be merciful to ourselves. But if you’d simply pray for us instead, we’d greatly appreciate it.

We have a very close circle of friends and family who speak into our lives and have permission to talk with us about this, as well as a distinguished psychologist and spiritual director who we meet with regularly. And most of all, we talk to the Lord about this all the time, and He is walking this journey with us. We don’t know if He will lead us away from our journey of learning more about the pain that we caused; He might or might not. But we do know that He is faithful and good, that He has never failed to provide for us and that we can trust Him. Thank you for respecting this request.

Linda Robertson

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196 responses to “A Letter to the “Just Because He Breathes” Haters”

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  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you so, so much. It has been a huge part of my journey to self-acceptance and I’m incredibly grateful for your willingness to be so open about your experiences, including your mistakes. My heart and my prayers go out to you. Much love!

    • Howdare you presume that ONLY God Can Change YOU??!! SoWrong. And Yes, you and your type who dodge responsibility for their attitudes and values to hide behind God are disgusting. You have no idea of how much your son suffered because of your cowardice to look at the wisdom from your own, pathetic lives and that any real change came from inside you, not from God. So he paid the the ultimate price for being honest and now you continue to pander your ugly values that God and not YOU are responsible for your values?? THAT takes the cake. And, NO you don’t get off with a mere admission of your own cruelty and stupidity. And NO, you do’t get to dodge your horrrific treatment of your son, by hiding behind GOD. You are disgusting. Starbucks should ban you for life or with any decency, GOD will make you choke on your Lattè.

      • Erin, I am sorry that you think I am disgusting, and that I am hiding behind God. I feel misunderstood, for God is clearly not to blame for any of my mistakes. I own those completely. And no, you are right, I don’t “get off” with an admission of my own cruelty and stupidity. Not for a moment.
        I wish you well, Erin.

      • Erin, read further down the page in these comments and you will find people who were doing the same thing to their children, but then heard Linda’s story and completely changed how they were treating their kids. As the saying goes “if it prevents one more tragedy…” and from what I’ve read she’s prevented far more than one tragedy by telling her story. They could have kept their story to themselves and never had to face the guilt and hatred thrown on them from complete strangers. But the didn’t. This is the very definition of owning up to your mistakes. What would you have them do? There is nothing they can do to unmake the past. They can only shoulder the blame and try to help others from making the same mistake they did. You should concern yourself more with where your anger is coming from. Carrying around that much hate, for people who are actually doing what little they can to pay for their mistake, is only hurting yourself. If you have never made a serious mistake that you can’t undo, then count yourself lucky. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Some of us are lucky enough to be born into situations where we are not indoctrinated from a young age like Linda was. You did not make yourself. Your the result of the people that raised you. Count yourself lucky if you were raised by people who prevented you from making the same mistakes Linda and her husband did. And try to have sympathy for those that were not. If your situations were reversed, can you really say you’d have the strength to admit, LITERALLY to the entire world, the mistakes you made and take the heat?

  2. Linda – I thank God for you, your family, the courage it takes to tell Ryan’s story and will continue to pray for you – to find truth, love and peace of heart. You are LOVED from my side of the Christian Left – never doubt it. xo

  3. Oh Linda, This breaks my heart and makes me so very sad and hurt for you and Rob. I can’t imagine the daily pain you go through as a parent who has lost a beloved son and then to have insults and words of hate hurled at you over and over again.. Thank you for sending this to me; it gives me insight into how to pray for you both.

    Abba, You know the pain and truly understand a mother’s loss a father’s hurt in the death of a child. You know the pain of insult and words that are intentionally intended to inflict more pain upon very raw wounds, even years later..still fresh. LORD, remind Linda and Rob that they are so loved, that they are not alone. Thank You Father for the safe friends in their lives, counselors and pastors to whom they can seek comfort and hear truth! Remind them that they are loved, they are valuable in the Kingdom of God, their story matters and gives hope in a very dark world to so many parents and children who have no answers, but are clinging to the only thing they can, a snippet but the only truth that speaks loudly above the many voices of hate, “Jesus loves you!” Lord, thank you for going through the agony of the cross for us, for me, so that we are set free from hate, and malice. Create in us clean hearts O God, and renew a right spirit within us. Bless my brother and sister in Christ today LORD and give them your peace. In Jesus name. Amen

    With much love and respect, Kathleen

  4. Mrs. Linda,
    Your shared words are like an ointment to many scars. Your openness and dedication continue to inspire me and help me heal.
    Lifting you up to Him with gratitude and prayers for continued strength,
    Stephen

  5. My dear friend, Linda,

    I’ve been following your blog for over a year now and believe I know your heart because of what and how you write. I’m a kind, loving man but I’ve come to understand where to draw the line with people who would bear me ill will. When bitter, mean-spirited a**holes lash out and hurt undeserving people that I care about, I feel a righteous anger rise up in me. Call me over-protective if you will, but in my world there is absolutely NO REASON to spew hateful, ugly thoughts and words in your direction.

    There’s something inherently wrong with those guilty of these unkind actions. No matter it be a personality disorder, a brain injury, or perhaps a horrible life that causes alleged adults to “act out”, it’s still unjustified. Excusable? Rarely. And it had better be a good one!

    Bullies are everywhere. I’ve had a couple as bosses (horrifyingly, both were women and it wasn’t pretty…!) The internet provides a super convenient place for bullies to lurk and the relative invisibility provides them the courage they normally lack to lash out at their victims.

    And you, dear Linda, appear to have been victimized. Within your power is the ability to accept or reject what was said, to determine the validity of the message and the right of the person to say such things to you. God has given each of us the ability to be strong and stand with righteous indignation to reject the ugly actions and messages sometimes hurled in our direction.

    You ARE a courageous woman, Linda. If you weren’t ALREADY COURAGEOUS, the thousands of lives you’ve already touched might never have learned God loves them–in spite of being gay. And you’re a strong woman, one who’s lived through something that you imagined you’d never be able to make it through. Be strong and courageous now. Don’t take ownership of another’s spiteful rage. It is not yours to own.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do, please.

    With love and support for you,

    Martin (a former Seattle-Tacoma native)

    • And Linda, remember what Gwen said to you on July 8, 2013 at 10:34 am:

      “…God has given birth to amazing ministry and you…have been hand picked to do God’s bidding. No matter what obstacles come your way Linda, no weapon formed against you shall prosper!”

      Martin

  6. Amen. Keep talking, please. Your story is one that needs to be told. So sorry to hear of all of the negative comments, but I hope somewhere in there, people hear your message.

  7. A note to the haters: if you are absolutely baffled as to how this tragedy could have happened, then you do not understand the power of group-think. The peer pressure to conform is an endemic problem. It is often inculcated from a very young age, which is why these churches are so powerful and so deadly. That is why so many progressive Christians (me) spend night and day to dismantle the church problem and resuscitate true spiritual freedom. We have a bigger job to do than to beat people who are on the floor, already beaten. We have people to fight for. ❤

    • AMEN, AMEN, AMEN Susan!!!! When my son came out it wasn’t pretty at church – we have since left that instruction and found a new home of true Jesus followers – their tag line is “church for the rest of us”…

    • Yes, Susan! So many of us would NOT have seen the light without Linda and Rob showing us the difference. Many of us have learned better and our hearts hurt for these precious parents.

  8. This post makes me angry, that people would kick people who are already down. It feels like bullying to the Nth degree.

    This post makes me sad. I can’t help but cry for Ryan, to cry for the people who are hating you (because I know the depth of their pain), to cry for you both as I think about the many steps along the way that led to Ryan’s awful predicament, and sad that you will always live with that pain.

    This post makes me frustrated, because words alone cannot capture all that I am feeling.

    This post makes me want to be with you: in the pain, in the mire, in the muck. And also in the fight to do something better.

    This post makes me wonder. Isn’t it easier for us to find the cause, the reason, for great tragedy? Doesn’t it make us feel better to point out the person (or persons) who should be blamed? The criminal who pulled the trigger, that wannabe vigilante who killed the innocent hooded boy, the nurse who misread the order and injected the lethal dose to the unwitting hospital patient in for a routine surgery?

    This post makes me realize…we do ourselves a huge disservice when we look solely towards the obvious. The criminal, the vigilante, the nurse, the Christian parents were all operating within much broader systems which served to confuse, conceal, corrupt, and sometimes coerce us all into a false sense of security.

    This post makes me pray fervently that we all look deeper, and work towards systemic social change. Because it is ultimately the systems which facilitate the status quo, and it is in fact these very systems that make us all feel as if we are not all to blame. And that is the God damn shame and paradox of the system: it makes us all culpable, but in ignoring it, makes all of us but the terminal offenders walk with the pride that we are, in fact, blameless. God forgive us, for we know not what we do. God, help us see more clearly…beyond the obvious.

    I can’t make you feel better, and I can’t take away all the mistakes you made. But I can see myself as with you, not simply for or against you. I am with you, because I was/am a part of the same systems that created fertile ground for the mess you found yourselves in, and for the horrible loss of Ryan. Systems like Evangelical Christianity with its conservative ideologies and deceptive means of social control. Systems like Exodus and ex-gay ministries, of which I was a leader for several years, and which I regret to this day because I’m not even sure how many people I hurt by externalizing and perpetuating my internalized shame. Systems like blogospheres, which make it so easy to throw stones at others as I sit safe behind my computer screen. Systems like political ideologies, which venerate (my) rightness at the expense of your humanity. I am like you. I too pulled the trigger. Maybe my bullets didn’t hit Ryan specifically (and then again, maybe they did…I don’t even know any of the poor teens I sent emails to on behalf of Exodus Youth.) Regardless, so long as we’re all shooting, we’ll only hear the clamor of our battle and righteous causes, never the greater truth of our collectively depraved situation.

    I, with you, live in the tension of great regret from the past, and great hope that the future can be made better. I pray that my hope is not in vain.

    • Dj, this comment makes me feel that you ARE with me in this, in the pain and the mire and the muck…and in the hope. I am counting on Jesus that our hope will NOT be in vain. Much love to you, wise friend.

    • Awesome comment, DJ. Mad amounts of respect for you. I already thanked Linda and Rob on Facebook in response to this post. Keep on doing what you are doing as the Lord leads you. So needed in this world and in the church.

  9. Dear Rob and Linda,
    Why people would attack you leaves my mind boggled. Just remember that for every hater there are 10 people or more (I picked a random number out of the sky!) who have been given intense hope, courage and the impetus to go on. I will never forget reading your blog right after having been blindsided by someone who was a Christian, who was very hurtful. I cried as I read this aloud to Kirk, my husband, and we were thankful for you and your story as painful and as hard as it was. We personally have benefited from knowing you and our family has been impacted in a beautiful way… as well as countless others. You didn’t ask to be in the spotlight and for whatever reason God is using you and Ryan…Love you, pray for you and long for the day when all things will be made right forever.

    • Amy, you and Kirk and gifts…not only to us but to the entire LGBT community here in Seattle. Thank you for waiting with me until that day, when all things will be made right.

  10. Beautifully written Linda…and yes ALL of us have responsibility in this world to love well. I look forward to a time when this is a non-issue! Thankful to you and Rob and to Ryan! None of us knows how to “do it right” but with much prayer and each other we can do better one step at a time. Love.

  11. I only hope you will see this and know that God is using your story for good. I had a friend tell me about your blog out of the blue one day because she knew of our struggles. I do want you to forgive yourself, but I want you to know that God is making good out of your story. We are a Christian family and I have been concerned about our son since he was very young. In fact we went to a “love won out” conference and Dr. Nikalosi confirmed that indeed our son would be gay from what we told him about him. When he was in the 8th grade we moved them from Christian school to public school and it seemed all our fears were gone as he proceeded to “date” all the girls, and then made a complete circle and “dated” the ones he had already dated. I see now what was happening, but at the time I thought we had dodged the bullet. However when he was a sophomore in High school he wrote us telling us he was gay. I wasn’t entirely surprised, but I took the approach that you did, that he could choose Jesus or to “choose ” to be gay, we even sent him to a Christian counselor who told him that if he “chose” to be gay that she would no longer be his counselor, that was his last visit with her. This was about the time that my friend told me of your blog. IT CHANGED MY WORLD. IT SAVED MY SON AND OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. He had very depressed and we worried about him daily as he would lay in bed and cry out to God to change him. Since finding your blog my whole outlook on the LGTB community has changed and I have become so much more accepting and loving. I used to feel that it was a choice, however I no longer feel that way. I still feel conflicted with my Christian faith and my acceptance of his lifestyle, however I firmly feel that God told me that if wasn’t my job to judge him (or any of them) it was my job to love him. So that is the path we have taken. It is our goal to show him that he is loved, no matter what. He knows that we don’t like it, but above anything we want him to love and be loved and never question how we feel about him. He has come out publicly and has a long distance boyfriend. He has made a you tube channel (Jake Farni- if you would like to watch his coming out story) and he is happier that he has ever been. He says he started the you tube channel to help other people who are struggling and I believe God will use this too. We still have a long road ahead of us, but I just wanted to confirm that yes God is using your story for good and it is changing lives. God bless you!!!

    • Rhonda…I just finished reading this aloud to Rob and we both cried…your story is exactly why we will continue to tell our story when God allows. Bless you for sharing your story; it is a huge encouragement.
      Many of the dear women commenting today on this blog are my friends through a private online FaceBook group of Christian moms who are learning to reconcile their faith with their love for their LGBTQ child; we’d LOVE to have you join us. Find me on FaceBook if you’d like to (I am Linda Mueller Robertson there). Praying God’s grace to cover your precious son and your entire family!

    • Bless you, Rhonda. I know that my own coming out was incredibly difficult for my parents. And they made some mistakes, all of which they have since apologized for. Our relationship is LIGHT YEARS from where it was. As you continue to struggle with what this all means for your family, just keep leaning into the overabundant Grace of Christ’s, resting in the knowledge that “all things work together for good.” And bless you more for encouraging Linda. What a great story about how she and Rob are making this world better through actual people, actual families. That was beautiful.

  12. Linda, even though I have never met you, I feel as if I know you, and I consider you to be a friend. I can’t begin to imagine the pain that you and Rob went through during your experiences with Ryan which eventually led to his death. There are so many moms of LGBTQ children, myself included, who are grateful that you chose to use your pain to help others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being brave and continuing to put yourself out there for the sake of all our children who are so loved by their heavenly Father. Prayers for you and your family, sweet sister. ❤

  14. I cannot understand how someone could deliberately and cruelly wound the heart of an already grieving mother. To do so in my opinion, sinks to a new level of brutality and inhumanity. I’m disappointed and disgusted beyond words……

    .

  15. Linda and Rob,

    Yours is the story that has given LIFE to many.

    “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.” (Philippians 1:3)

    With love and gratitude,
    Meredith

  16. Thank you both for your courage while going through unimaginable grief, first losing Ryan then having to deal with ignorant people who have never walked a centimeter, let alone a mile in your shoes. Personally, I am “beyond words” grateful for the impact you have had in my life. Because of your pain, I am a better mother & friend. You are loved so very much.

    • Morven, you are SUCH a dear. I wish I had time to reply to ALL of the kind comments here, but I had to reply to yours, since FaceBook won’t let us connect. Please know how much I appreciate you and the way you have been willing to battle for me and testify to my motives. You and each of the JBTB moms give me continual strength and encouragement to continue choosing hope in the face of intense discouragement!

  17. I am sorry that people are mean,ugly and heartless towards you. Please do not let them discourage from continuing your work– I have no doubt that you are helping other parents everyday thru sharing your story. I am sure Ryan is smiling while being held in the arms of our Lord and saying great job Mom & Dad- I love you!

  19. I will forever be grateful to you Linda as a mother and as a Christian mother of a teenaged gay son. Your willingness to be vulnerable is courageous. I grieve with you for all the hateful words you have had to bear. Keep on doing the next right thing and move forward out of this pain and hate and into light. His glorious light. Praying for protection and love to surround you.

  21. Praying for you Linda and your family and the wonderful work you are doing. Keep telling your story it has helped so many people. Sending you all my love. X

  22. Linda,
    I am beyond grateful that you and Rob are willing to share the deepest wound in your lives with us. For what it’s worth, I know personally of 2 young men whose lives were saved by your story and your willingness to reach out. I’m quite sure there are countless others. I know the moms that have been brought together by you and Ryan’s story. I know your heart and life will never be the same. I know good has come from the tragedy of losing Ryan. I have nothing but the deepest respect and admiration for you and laying your still beating very broken heart on the line. I love you sister.

  23. Linda, myself and thousands of people raised in conservative Religion could be personally sharing your story of loss right now. Change is a process and takes time, some get that opportunity, sadly and regrettably some of us don’t. Your story, through profound sadness and regret, has saved many more families from the tragedy your family is going through. My love and deepest gratitude to you .xxx

  24. i thank GOD I came across your story! I am the grandma of a grandson who is transgender & has suffered severe persecution in this small Montana town. I felt so alone with no one to talk to & BAM I had hope! Not for one minute have we ever stopped loving our grandson. His entire family loves him. Don’t let the haters get to you cause dear friend you have an army behind you!

  25. Linda and Rob,
    Just can’t remind you enough how much your story has meant to me and my daughter. She has told me many times that if I hadn’t been so accepting, she probably wouldn’t be here today. Keep telling your story–it has changed lives.

  26. Linda and Rob, please know that your willingness to share your grief has saved our son’s life.

  27. My heart sobbed as I read your post…. Because of your story, I have been able to help several people understand how our job is to love… We are not the Holy Spirit, so therefore we do not convict or judge….because of your story, I was able to find a beautiful transgender friend who now knows she is loved because I get the joy of reminding her….. Thank you for that precious gift…. Because of your story, I know I am to minister more than I already have to this community…. I am still listening to Him for that path….because of your story my friend did not end her life…. We were able to talk for hours into the night…. Because of your story, I and so many others are truly blessed….leave the haters to themselves and our God…. He can handle them….you don’t have too….

  28. Linda, I’m sure it would have been so much easier for you and your family if you did not go public with your story. I am so sorry for your loss, but I thank God that you had enough courage to do so. Your story has made a huge difference in so many lives. Bless you!

  30. Linda, As the mom of a son who is gay I am always grateful that you and Rob are willing to tell your story … even when it is hard and painful. You are making the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for LGBT people to live. Thank you so much!

  31. Linda – I wish I had the right words to say – people can be so very cruel! Please know that your words are an encouragement to many and none of us have a critical word to say! You’ve survived a horrendous personal situation and shared that hurt to help others. I can’t think of anything more loving and kind! Keep up the fantastic work – we’re behind you 100%!

  32. Linda and Rob,
    Your story has touched my life, and SO many others. There is a new group in my church called Courageous Love (moms of LGBTQ kids). I always encourage the new members of the group to watch your message, and they all say the same thing….that it was amazing, and that God is using you in a special way. You invited me to the GCN conference last year and that, too, has been a blessing I would have never imagined. God is moving! I am so very sorry for your hurts. I will be praying for you both.

  34. I want to thank you for writing this, because it helps remind me not to approach my partner’s mother with cruelty and recrimination and to know that her rejection of our relationship and of her daughter’s sexual orientation comes at a tragic and unnecessary cost to her, too, not just to us. By showing your hurt and humanity you help me to remember to have love in my heart for her too. Your honesty, your great couraage to be and express your brokenness so publically — it is truly transformative.

    • Wow…Jen, thank you so much for letting me know that this helps you have grace & understanding for your girlfriend’s mother…that is something I would never expected. And thank you, too, for treating my vulnerability with such kindness…though it leaves me just that – vulnerable – I keep remembering Brene Brown’s quotation:
      “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
      ― Brené Brown

  35. Thank you so much for being willing to put yourselves out there Linda so that other LGBT young people can be treated with dignity. Your story has surely helped my family and for that I’m truly grateful. The Church has a long way to go but brave people like you are starting to break down the walls of bigotry and hatred.

  36. Linda & Rob,
    I heard your story for the first time last year at the GCN conference, and every time since then, it brings me back to the lap of our Father who gives comfort. Haters come in many forms, from the anonymous online to the neighbors, to the pastors who continue to preach reparative therapies. Navigating these land mines isn’t easy. Your example of how to do this with grace and love continues to help me every day.
    You will never know how much I admire and appreciate your walk. I have you both in prayer, especially now.
    ~Lori

  37. This literally breaks my heart into a million pieces—The sad truth of this kind of things is that when you are on a public forum, this is going to happen :-(( I go on many online websites, and there are always some of the CRUELEST comments that have nothing to do with the reasoning behind the article or the people writing it– I have heard these “Haters” referred to as “Trolls” because some of them don’t have lives and get a thrill over shaking things up with their remarks. They thrive on the “drama” of it all. They are truly such sad people. One can usually tell the difference between a person who has a legitimate disagreement and these commenters who are so OUTRAGEOUS that you know they probbly have some mental health issues as well 😦 When you look over your lives and your story, the people you have givena literal “life” rope to and the people who continue to need your story to better their lives are COUNTLESS in numbers. Many are still so closeted, I am sure they have fear about even commenting anonymously. WE are slowly , but surely beginning to see some changes in this area dn it is because of the BRAVE souls like yourself who have put their personal stories out there as a true “bridge” for others–PLEASE remember that every single day Linda and Rob. I for one, can’t imagine my life without your story. It was a huge sacrifice to put such a personal account out there, but you did, and many of us have walked the path you laid down for us. Sit quietly and let God bring to your mind the thousands of faces and names that have heard your story and told you thank-you from the bottom of their hearts. Like I said earlier, the “haters” will always be amongst us, but their lives are to truly be pitied. Move forward with your mission–reclaim it and restate it every day, and know there are LEGIONS of those who NEED your words surrounding you from all sides—LOVE you both with my whole heart ❤

    • And I love YOU, Beth!! Guess what?? Two of the “haters” to whom I replied on RageAgainstTheMinivan responded back to me, with kindness!!! It was SO encouraging!! Responding to hate with love CAN build bridges!!
      Bless you, and all the other moms here, for your prayers and your love! I couldn’t do it without you!

  38. Linda, you changed my life and the path I was on with my children. I have a good relationship with them now and I know it is because of you reaching out to me. I know this in no way makes up for Ryan, but thank you for opening up your life; thank you for being a part of the change; and thank you for taking what happened to you and using it to make so many of our lives better. You are loved.

  39. God bless you for enduring this pain to save others… There is no greater love than this, that a person lay down their life for another. You have and you continue to. Despite the pain you lay down your lives daily…glory to God. (Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed. …and I’m so glad you gave.)

  40. Linda, I cannot image who would write those horrible things to you and Rob, two people with more love and understanding than most. Thank you so much for your open and humble openness. For this lady, you mean so much and have done more to repair my hurt and pain than you could ever know.

    Sue

  41. I was so affected by your original sharing and now I’m so affected by the follow up reaction on others. If only one family crises is healed, if only one set of parents is reached, if only one gay child finds comfort, if only one catastrophe is prevented, then your story has done more than most folks ever will. You have my personal respect and prayers for strength which clearly you have and peace which clearly you need.. This gay man knows how important your effort is, and understands the unnecessary additional pain the attacks of others must bring you.

  42. You are brave.
    You are courageous.
    You are an inspiration.
    Please don’t stop being you!
    xoxo

  43. Linda, I find it appalling there are those who can read your story and still believe they need to say to you anything hurtful or ugly. Your story, sad and terrible as it is also has a line of love within it that provides a lesson for all of us. Each time I have read it my heart breaks for you but also fills for us, knowing there is hope.

    Be of good hope, know you have blessed many and those who are ‘hating’ you are doing so out some hurt within themselves. This isn’t about you, it is about them it is about something inside of them.

  44. Linda — I wonder if any of those who have sent such hurtful emails have ever had a day in their lives that they wish they could change one thing AND KNOW it would make a difference. To all of them I say, Walk in our shoes for 5 mins! If we choose path A — we’re wrong; if we choose path B — we’re right but 30 days later we’re wrong; if we choose path C — maybe we get 60 good days and then WHAMO! but the best if path D — we’re right, the person gets help and we left someone else we love in the dust to save the person who is back on the wrong road again! There is no winning — there is only hindsight! For sharing your hindsight and observations and lessons, I am truly grateful! I hope that others might learn from them. Wishing you hugs and peace as you travel your road, full of potholes and road blocks — but journey non-the-less! I WISH YOU PEACE! 😉 HUGS — Joanne

  45. Linda and Rob,
    I am praying for you as I do all the families on the JBTB facebook group. I also pray for those who haven’t heard your story and are living that life. When I shared with my former boss (also my minister) that my son was gay, I gave him a copy of your original blog post and said this is how and why I love my son just the way he is – wonderfully made by God. For someone who thought he had all the answers – I truly did see a change in his heart. Then a few years later, it came close to his family and I know that reading your story helped to form how he responded to the information that one of his family members is LGBT. Thank you for sharing your pain and love to help others and to save lives!

  46. My heart aches reading your story. I cannot stop crying bc I cannot even begin to imagine the pain your family has endured. My brother came out to me several years ago and we talked to my parents together. There is so much hate in the world, I constantly worry about him. He is a ray of sunshine and has heart of gold. I wish the world was not as judgemental. Bless you. I am truly sorry for the loss of your son

    • Robin…I am SO glad your brother has YOU as a sister…what a beautiful thing that you went with him when he came out to your parents. You must be so proud of him; he sounds wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to think about what we, and our other kids, have lost. Give your brother extra hugs today!

  47. Your letter and your story made me cry. It took great courage and love to share your story. I cannot imagine your pain and regret. Your story might save lives, and you have done the right thing by speaking out, being honest, and sharing this.
    Please keep in mind a few things about those who react in anger: 1. Some of this anger may stem from experiences similar to your son’s. It may come from those who have contemplated or attempted suicide as a result of the excessive pain and alienation caused by those who use religion as a weapon. 2. Some of this anger may stem from the fact that those who use religion as a weapon cause severe damage to others (up to and including death). Studies have shown that life expectancy for LGBT people in high prejudice areas is over a decade less than those in lower prejudice areas. 3. Some of this anger may be inappropriately directed at you rather than the ones who caused the pain.
    As a lesbian who grew up in an extremely conservative area and who hoped and prayed for death due to the messages of religion, I can sympathize with those who choose to react in anger. I have had a lot of anger at those who wanted me and others dead and/or living a lie rather than alive and living with integrity. I have had anger at those who cause severe damage to others based on fear, ignorance, and prejudice. I have had anger at those who have chosen hate over love, and valued religion over human life and dignity. I value those who choose to live with integrity, even when it causes themselves harm (like many gay people do in the face of religious hate, and like you are doing now).
    I have compassion and empathy for you, as well as admiration for your courage and strength. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, and I do not believe you need any more pain in your life. I hope that those who feel angry take some time before typing a message that causes harm. Anger directed at you helps no one. Compassion is what heals.
    Many blessings to you as you walk this difficult path. Your story is saving lives. You are making a difference. Thank you for your courage and strength, as well as your integrity.

  48. i read this on Huffington Post and just want to say that I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope you continue on your journey of helping other families. Your sons life was not in vain if you keep other parents from making the mistakes that you made. Haters are gonna hate, but don’t let them stop you from trying to enlighten “christian” parents who are actively harming their own children.

  49. You’re a human being. You don’t deserve any backlash. No human being that doesn’t purposefully hurt others deserves hate. As a former Christian, I still remember that Jesus said “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” In this day and age, there should be fewer stones thrown and more self-examination. I hope that people read your story and examine their own lives and how or who THEY can love unconditionally. You lost your son and that was the most extreme price to pay for your beliefs. Doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, I imagine it makes it harder. I am sorry for you. My heart hurts for you. I hope you find peace and forgiveness within yourself. With unconditional love–AB

  50. My heart is broken for so many reasons (your loss, your grief, the awful words and thoughts from vocal readers). I am sure that sharing this story was difficult, but the world will hopefully learn from it. I appreciate you sharing and will continue to follow your blog.

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