Tag Archives: Parenting gay teens

A Letter to the “Just Because He Breathes” Haters

This week I’ve been deluged with messages and comments by people who are incensed and infuriated by our story. By us. I didn’t see it coming this time, since I haven’t blogged or knowingly posted our story anywhere lately.

You have called us f-king murderers, child abusers, people who should never have been parents, and self-obsessed narcissists, who demanded apologies from our son, without ever realizing that we were the ones who had wronged him. You’ve told us that we might as well have shot our son, point blank, before he came out, because that would have been more merciful than what we did do. We’ve read how idiotic and stupid we were to not learn basic parenting truths until our son was on the streets, killing himself with narcotics. You’ve called us some pretty horrible names, some that have been posted online, some not. I’ve only read a small fraction of these kind of comments, but from those I have read, I hear your message loud and clear.

And these are just from those of you who hate us from the “left” side of the conversation. There is a whole separate contingent of people who condemn us from the other side…but thankfully, they’ve been quiet lately. Nope…the religious folks don’t like us much, either.

I have cried a lot this week. I have sobbed at the threads of truth contained in these hate-filled messages. Which might be gratifying to hear, for some of you.

I have to wonder, though, about you, the people who hate us. Do you really think that we are bragging about how we parented? Do you suppose that we told our story, at the request of a small group of underground LGBTQ students, with the intent of getting attention or garnering pity? Or even worse, with the purpose of accumulating accolades?

If so, you would be wrong. Dead wrong.

Admittedly, there have been countless LGBTQ people who have written to tell us of their similar experiences, and to thank us for sharing Ryan’s. There have been parents of gay children, both young and old, who have written to tell us that our story has prevented them from doing the same thing – following the prevalent, still widely preached belief that Christian parents with gay kids must do everything possible, if they love their children, to protect them from this allegedly soul-endangering immorality.

And many of those people have been exceedingly loving and gracious toward us. We are so thankful for each one who has written to tell us that our story has changed their story.
But please, don’t for a second think that those affirming words let us off the hook.

Please don’t imagine that we revel in some newfound “fame” or that we find solace in the number of times that the Huffington Post article was shared, or the view count of the video of our testimony at Exodus’ final conference.

None of this makes the pain any less.

For those of you who want to be sure that we know how wretched we are, be comforted. We know all too well and feel the pain of that knowledge every day.

I wish you could sit down and ask our close friends, our surviving kids, our therapist and our pastors whether or not we are really aware of the severity of our mistakes, the complete wrongness of our actions. They would tell you what I tell you now:

We don’t live for a single moment without regret.

Our much loved eldest son and dear friend Ryan is dead – a fact that I daily try to get my brain wrapped around – and if you have ever had a child and lost them, you know that the pain of losing a child NEVER leaves you. NEVER. We will live with intense sorrow over his death until our own deaths, and right now that sounds like a very, very long time.

When we weep and mourn we don’t question God or wonder why He allowed our son to die. We don’t have questions for God that complicate our grief…we only have questions and accusations of ourselves. The tapestry of our grief is woven through with threads of remorse, regret and self-reproach.

Each time our Affirming Hope LifeGroup packs our living room, we die inside a little as we ask ourselves if THIS was what we were so afraid of. These amazing, loving, responsible, honest, generous children of God. Really?? We didn’t want Ryan to grow up and be like them? These people who have become some of our closest friends?

Each time we read a heartbreaking coming out letter, we hear Ryan’s voice echoing from the pages, revealing new depths of the pain he felt as a very young child, knowing that something was different…that he didn’t fit into the expected mold of our family.

Each time I sit down to work on writing a longer version of our journey through Ryan’s coming out and our responses, and in preparation, I read the things we wrote to him along with his replies and journal entries from those years, I fight utter despair at the deep, deep level of our misunderstanding. Once he wrote to me, in very large, all caps, “YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!!!” Oh, how right he was. How completely right he was, and how tragically wrong we were. WE JUST DIDN’T GET IT.

For those of you who seem determined that we know how completely and totally wrong we were, WE GET IT NOW.

We have not insulted ourselves from the hundreds of stories from LGBTQ teens and adults, both written and told to us, stories that recount the intense pain, agony, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts caused by the same teachings that we communicated to Ryan. We have not stopped reading Ryan’s own journals that record that very same suffering.

But we also know that we’ll be continuing to “get it” at a deeper level the longer that we live in community with those who have been oppressed, listening to their pain and through them, learning about our own child.

For those of you are seem determined that we suffer and are held accountable for our mistakes, we can only say that the pain of knowing how deeply we wronged Ryan and not being able to sit down across from him and ask his forgiveness (as we did during the last ten months of his life, and as we do now with our surviving kids when we wrong them) is agony beyond all attempt to describe.

We tell our story to anyone who will listen for ONE REASON ONLY. We are trying, in our own small way, to do something right. By exposing our own disastrous errors, we pray that others will learn from us, and treat their own children differently. We pray that it won’t take them six long years and losing their child to drugs and the streets in order to wake them up to the truth that every parent MUST love their children without any condition. Our children learn to love themselves through the love that we have for them. And a child who is told, “I love YOU, but I do not love your sin” does NOT hear love. He does not learn to love himself or that God loves him. Ryan did not. None of the thousands of gay children who have written to me have heard love through those words. None.

So, to those of you who have written to tell us of our utter depravity, we couldn’t agree more.

Many of you have rejected the God whose “words” were used to reject you, and we can see why. But for us, we know that we are utterly, completely broken and without hope. Our hope comes in the form of Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, the One who can take our deplorable actions and use them, somehow, to give hope to others…to speak His love to those who have been told they are unworthy of it…to give parents who have told their children they are no longer welcome at home the humility to ask their kids for forgiveness…to kneel before them and weep for their own sin. In the words of a band that Ryan loved, here is what our Hope looks like, in the face of our utter depravity:

I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
and on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way

and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart
and there’s no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

on that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
all of our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
but until then all of our scars will still remain, but we’ve learned that if we’ll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal

as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart
and there’s no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds

when someone stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there’s no greater love. we must open up our wounds
From Thrice’s album Vheissu, released on October 17, 2005.
Listen here

And as long as God keeps using our story in to build bridges for others, we will continue to open up our wounds and share each time He prompts us to.

We don’t expect you to agree with, or even respect our faith (especially since many of you have been gravely harmed in the name of Jesus) and you don’t have to believe that our motives are good, but I hope you will see that we choose to speak out about our story ONLY because we believe that we were wrong.

There are many, many leaders and pastors out there still teaching that parents should treat their gay children just as we did, and for that reason, we cannot stay silent. This is not about us. This is about the children, the pre-teens, the teens, the young adults and adults who are still living in self-condemnation, not believing that they are worthy of God’s love, because that is what they are hearing from their church communities and from their parents. And that has to stop.

Lives are at stake.

So even if you hate us, can we please agree on this one thing? If we each do our part to stop the oppression and start saving the lives of LGBTQ kids, maybe we can actually be a world with fewer haters and a lot more lovers.


Note: To those who feel compelled to write and tell us to forgive ourselves…thank you for caring about us, and wanting to ease our pain by encouraging us to be merciful to ourselves. But if you’d simply pray for us instead, we’d greatly appreciate it.

We have a very close circle of friends and family who speak into our lives and have permission to talk with us about this, as well as a distinguished psychologist and spiritual director who we meet with regularly. And most of all, we talk to the Lord about this all the time, and He is walking this journey with us. We don’t know if He will lead us away from our journey of learning more about the pain that we caused; He might or might not. But we do know that He is faithful and good, that He has never failed to provide for us and that we can trust Him. Thank you for respecting this request.

Two Questions and an Invitation…

First, the Questions
I have been thinking a lot about what I would do differently if I knew, back when Ryan was 12, what I know now. I have been asked that question quite often, and it is a good one. But I’d really like to hear your thoughts…if you are an LGBTQ “child,” here are a couple of questions for you:

1. What was the most painful thing that you remember hearing after you came out to your parents?

2. What would you have most wanted them to say? What did you need to hear?

I’d be honored to hear your answers, and I think they’ll be helpful for all the parents who read this blog, as well.

Next, the Invitation
Rob and I are honored and excited to let you know that we’ve been asked to speak at the GCN (Gay Christian Network) Conference that will be held in Chicago, from January 9 – January 12, 2014. We would LOVE to have you join us there!

The GCN Conference is for anyone in the LGBTQ community who loves Jesus as well as for parents/allies who want to learn how to better come alongside their LGBTQ family and friends. It will be a great time to worship, learn, make new friends and to hear each other’s stories. If you’d like more details or want to register, go to GCNconf.com – It is all there!

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Everyone Has a Story…

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” 
 — James M. Barrie

When our four kids were growing up, I used to always remind them that everyone has a story. I would tell them that no matter how grumpy someone may have been, how annoying their behaviors or how unkempt they were, there was ALWAYS a story behind it. I reminded them to give people the benefit of the doubt, because we had no idea what their “stories” were. Perhaps they had just been given a diagnosis of cancer, or maybe the love of their life just broke up with them or maybe nobody in their world ever saw them as valuable or worth listening to.

When Ryan was living on the streets of Seattle, using drugs and doing all kinds of awful things to afford them, I prayed that the people he ran into would remember that he had a story. I prayed that the police officers, the nurses, the pedestrians he bumped into and the people he stole from might have the insight to know that he never chose to become an addict. He never wanted to be miserable. He never dreamed, when he was a little boy, of growing up to become imprisoned by addiction. I begged God to bring people into his life who would trust that Ryan had a story; who would see the image of God in Ryan, and who would reflect that image right back to him.

Now, I pray each day that God will allow me to see His image in every person I meet, whether it is the homeless guy on the corner, the man in the truck who flipped me off for forgetting to signal before my lane change or the angry, entitled woman screaming at the checkout guy in the Costco line. I want to remember that I don’t know their stories and to extend to them the same mercy and grace I wanted people to give my son.

I have come to believe the importance of this even more deeply the older I get. We all have long backstories: journeys that explain why we react harshly to some situations and break out in sobs in others. There are reasons why I have a hard time being patient with people complaining about their children being late or choosing the wrong college, just as there are reasons why I cry when people use scripture to accuse me of doing damage to the cause of Christ.

Several important things I like to remember about stories:

1.  Jesus used stories for a reason. They are a powerful tool for teaching and reaching our hearts and souls.

2.  God has used the stories of others to teach me, to change me and to make me more like Him. NOTHING has affected me more powerfully than people’s genuine, vulnerable stories.

3.  When I know, or admit that I don’t know, someone’s story, it becomes nearly impossible to judge or dismiss them. In other words, it is very hard to “hate up close.”

4.  Often the kindest, most loving thing I can do for someone else (as well as the most edifying thing I can do for myself) is simply to ask questions and to sit back and listen to their story.

5.  Lastly, as several very wise men in my life have reminded me lately, nobody can argue with your story. It is just yours. True simply because it is YOUR STORY.

The past few weeks Rob and I have been truly humbled and privileged to read hundreds and hundreds of stories – all true, many heart-breaking and some victorious. Many of them have been from parents with gay “children,” parents who want desperately to love their children more fully. More of them have been from gay “children” with parents, children who want desperately to be loved more fully by their parents, whatever their age. They are all sacred, holy stories. I have been overwhelmed by the weight of them, but also completely astounded by the enormous grace that leaks out all over them. Grace and love that have the power to break down any walls that divide us. Grace and love that our world sorely needs. Grace and love from people who have every reason not to be graceful or loving.

There are two themes that ring out clearly from the hundreds, actually thousands of stories I have read this month.

First, that we all deeply desire to be known and loved by our Creator God.

Second, that we all desperately need to know that the people we are closest to, our families and friends, love us just because we breathe. Pretty simple, right?

And it strikes me now, as I read that back, how those two things…those themes that came through email after email, that resonated from comment after comment, perfectly mirror the words of Jesus Christ when He was asked what the first and greatest commandment was:

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”*

Hmmm…Could it be that Jesus knew exactly what we, as humans, need most in this life? To be connected to the God of the Universe, the One who created us in His image, and to be bonded to and loved by those on earth who walk with us? Perhaps we tend to make everything a lot more complicated than it needs to be. Especially if we take Jesus at His word when He said that ALL of the laws and ALL of the things the prophets said in the Old Testament hang on those two things: Loving God and loving people.

But back to stories. Less than a month ago, I didn’t think anyone needed to hear our unique story; I didn’t think anyone would want to hear about the regrets and sorrows of a mom who had lost her son. I thought that, by 2013, surely most people had learned the lessons we did a long time ago.

But I was wrong. If you doubt me, spend some time reading the comment sections on this little blogsite. You will read story after story of teenagers and adult children who long for God’s love and who yearn for their parents’ love. Some are still bound by the toxic shame that our society (and churches, to be sure) inflict on those who are gay. Others have been able to hear God’s voice of love whispering to them, even though the chorus of hate was louder.

I’ve also received countless messages from parents. So many of them, all wanting to love their children just as they are, be it gay, mentally ill, learning disabled or with some other difference. They have had to watch their child battle against the critical voices of their peers. Some parents want desperately to be able to love their child unconditionally, but live in fear because of the communities who would be quick to judge them and their children if they were found to be straying from what is “acceptable” and “normal.”

We’ve also received some of the most cruel condemnations I could ever imagine – I had no idea that words, written by a stranger, could hurt so badly, even when I know, on a rational level, that the words are not true. I can only remind myself that each of these writers has their own story, though none of them has offered to share them. They must have scars that run so deeply that even reading a few words of our story triggers a torrent of pain and rage.

I wish that those who have judged us, especially all those who left particularly hateful comments on Huffington Post (thank you to my friends who warned me not to read those), would realize they only know a very small slice of our story…that we haven’t shared all the joyful, funny, poignant and unforgettably precious moments we had with Ryan – many during his adolescence. And we certainly didn’t share any of the good things we did as parents, as our three surviving adult children have been quick – and kind – to point out. I wish they would have given me just a little bit of consideration…a pinch of benefit of the doubt…before accusing me of torturing and murdering my own child.

I continually ask God to help me remember that I probably don’t have the whole story before I judge others. Even people who spread hatred in the name of Jesus, which is especially horrifying and offensive to me. But the people who hate in the name of Jesus have stories, too; I just don’t know them, and I can’t begin to imagine what kind of horrendously painful stories would result in such hypocrisy and cruelty. So instead of voting them off the island (even though I would like to), I will pray that the grace and mercy of God will touch their wounded and infected places, so that they will be newly able to give grace and mercy to others.

In coming weeks, I’d like to share excerpts from some of the stories I’ve heard, in order to remind all of us (particularly those of us who are in the straight majority) of the urgent need in this country to make changes – real changes – to protect the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical safety of ALL of our children.

Perhaps we can all spend a little bit more time asking questions and listening, rather than talking and telling. Because if you’re like me, you already know what you think. And what you don’t know actually can hurt you…and others. So let’s keep our ears wide open to the stories that other people have to tell us.

So the next time you are tempted to write somebody off for being an insensitive, clueless jerk, or to thank God that you are not as arrogant or ignorant as that person pontificating endlessly on FaceBook or to just walk right by the disheveled man outside of your favorite, usually really nice grocery store (they are probably just begging for money to buy drugs, right?), remember…EVERYONE HAS A STORY.

Next time…maybe just ask…”What’s your story?” And pull up a chair and start listening.

So what do you REALLY believe??

Warning to readers: The blog below is written for people who respect, if not believe, the Bible as God’s Word, and God as our Creator. If you do not, as many of you have strongly expressed, don’t feel compelled to read this. There might be better uses of your time. It will just make you angry and then you may feel tempted to send me more hate mail.


Ever since the piece I wrote, Just Because He Breathes somehow got picked up and shared and reshared all over the place, I’ve had people – mostly conservative Christians, but not all – emailing, messaging and commenting with a similar question. It usually goes like this: So, how do you deal with the verses in Romans about homosexuality being an abomination? Do you and your husband even believe in sin anymore? Are you just doing the thing of saying “we love you” over and over again, but really, secretly, you think your gay friends are doing something immoral? How do you get past the “love the sinners, hate the sin” concept that the Bible teaches? I want to love my gay friends, but I just don’t know how to reconcile that love with what I’ve been taught from the Bible. So, instead of answering each of you separately, I am going to try to give you our answer right here. I do need to say a couple of other things before starting:

  1. The Bible does not teach that any human being created by God (and we all were) is an abomination. Wow…I have come to LOATHE that word because of how it has been used to destroy people.

  2. The Bible does NOT include a verse that says, “Love the sinner, but hate the sin.” Someone who wasn’t thinking very carefully came up with that, and unfortunately, it caught on. After the abomination accusation and the threat of hell hurled at blameless individuals who have done nothing but be born, this is one of the phrases that has been most damaging – not only to the individuals who are hurt by it, but to the cause of Christ.Granted, if I am using this cliché to refer to the fact that I love my dog, but I hate it when she poops in the house, it might be fitting. Or maybe if I said to my husband, “I love you, Rob, but I really hate it when you put the aluminum recyclable soda cans in the kitchen trash,” it could pass as tolerable.However, when used to say, “I love my friend John who is gay, but I hate his homosexuality,” it is a complete oxymoron. It is like someone saying to me, “I love you, Linda, but I really hate that you are heterosexual.” How am I supposed to respond? “Oh! Thanks for loving me…..I guess? I will just…um…stop being so attracted to Rob’s body so that you won’t hate my sexuality! And, btw, thanks for loving just PART of me, not all of me. THAT feels so reassuring.” Pardon my sarcasm, but this one really gets to me.Parents of LGBTQ kids: Please, please do not tell your children this. I promise you, they will not feel, hear or believe that you love them, even though you do. In fact, they will probably want to scream that your love is a load of crap before you tell them that if they don’t stop being disrespectful they can just leave the room RIGHT NOW! (Trust me. I have made similar mistakes myself.)

  3. Before delving into this, please search your heart for what is really at stake. My friend Jodie’s quote bears repeating, “I wonder if it has become easier to oppose ideologies than to actually love people.” It is WAY easier for us as selfish humans to get into an academic debate – especially online – than to get out of our comfort zones and just go spend time with people who are different from us, hearing their stories and learning from them. And really, if you never have a perfect answer to the questions surrounding what Paul meant in the New Testament mentions of homosexuality, will it cause anyone to NOT know the love of Christ? I doubt it. But if we neglect the hundreds of mentions in the Scriptures about loving and caring for the poor, the stakes go WAY up. Not only for us, but for the millions of people who will go unfed, uncared for, unhoused and UNLOVED.

First, our background: As I’ve said before, Rob and I are not trained Bible scholars, theologians, philosophers or even impressively diligent Bible students. We are: Christ-followers, a straight, married couple who are CRAZY about each other after almost 30 years, parents of four adult children (one who is gay), siblings and dear friends to our gay brother and the honored friends of countless LGBTQ individuals who have shared their journeys with us. So as we often reminded our kids when they were growing up, please consider the source as you read and decide whether or not we have anything valid to say. Rob and I were both raised hearing condemning messages about homosexuality (for me, from the Bible, for Rob, from more of a general “American moral code”). As young parents, we heard horror stories from conservative “family” radio speakers about the dangerous practices of “those” homosexuals, complete with graphic details about their perverse practices and number of daily conquests. These came from sources we thought were trustworthy, and though I did doubt their veracity and was suspicious of the agenda behind the tales, I can see now that the power of propaganda to incite fear is, indeed, real and potent. It was after my brother Don courageously came out to us that I began reading books – from varying perspectives – about what the Bible had to say about homosexuality. At the end of the day, I came away a bit confused, but sure of one thing: The Bible did NOT support hate. That, at least, was clear.

It was after our own son came out to us, ten years later, that the fear that had been planted in our minds years before began to grow and make us feel that our son was in very real danger. Hence, our many mistakes and our choice to be ruled by fear rather than to live by faith in the One who made Ryan. Over the past 7-8 years, we have come to care less and less about the academic, Biblical debate. We have read lots of material from both sides, and we know people we love and respect that hold completely opposing views on what the Bible really teaches about homosexuality. However, each time we’ve read the different debates, we’re left a bit cold, because they tend to leave out the human element and they tend to discount the power of God, through the Holy Spirit, to lead and guide us. We’ve learned far more by listening to the stories of people we love, ex-gays, celibate gays, monogamous gays and out and proud gays. To be honest, their stories hold a lot more weight for us about THIS issue than the stories of straight people, Christian or otherwise.

For those of us who are straight, we have other questions to ask. But for these individuals, this “issue”…this unchanging characteristic about themselves is often a matter of life or death. Literally. So what is our “position” on whether or not it is okay with God to be in a gay relationship? First, our position is one of staying on our knees, in prayer, seeking God continually – eyes on Jesus – for His love and wisdom for our lives. Key words: our lives. Secondly, our position is that God has called us to unconditionally love ALL of our friends, family and neighbors, without any exclusions. My friend from high school, Jill Rennick, says that “the gospel has no asterisks.” For those who still really want to know what we think about the Biblical passages, here is our take: After much prayer, study and a lot of listening to God and others, we’ve come to believe that this is one of those issues mentioned – infrequently – in the New Testament, like eating meat previously sacrificed to idols. For some, it may be sin. For others, it is not.

We realize that most of our conservative Christian friends, and many of our closest friends, disagree with us. Our senior pastor, who is one of our dearest friends, has a different perspective. One of my closest girlfriends, and the amazing mother of my son’s beautiful wife, doesn’t agree with me. Thankfully, that has not stopped them from loving and respecting us or us from loving and respecting them. Rob and I know many Christian gay couples who are thriving in both their walks with God AND in their relationships. We see the fruit of the spirit ALL OVER their lives! Really, it is between God and them….not our business. We DON’T secretly think they are in sin.

At the same time, for some other dear friends of ours, God has clearly called them to celibacy, and for them it WOULD be sin to be in a gay relationship. God has given them clear direction, and they are obeying and finding the same level of flourishing in their obedience to His call. This may only serve to frustrate those of you who are looking for THE answer…because it isn’t a black and white answer. But truly, most things aren’t. And, our conclusions might be wrong. We are certainly not above that… Rob and I continually seek our Lord for Truth. Thankfully, God hasn’t given up on us because we’ve been on a journey, and we’re still learning.

What I do know for sure is this: As a straight, married couple, we HAVE had to grapple with the questions surrounding premarital and extramarital sex. Those apply directly to Rob and me. So we’ve taken those very, very seriously. God called Rob and I to be faithful to each other in marriage and to honor the vows we made before God and hundreds of people almost 30 years ago. He has also called us not simply to stay married but to stay in love – and that keeps us plenty busy (wink). Honestly, we don’t really have time to worry about whether someone else is sinning or making a mistake. We have plenty of our own weaknesses and flaws to work on. So for us…Love wins. Every time. And as our friend Julie Rodgers often says, “God invites EVERYONE to the wedding.” THAT is what we’re about. Making sure that NOBODY feels excluded from the love of Christ…because according to Him, NOBODY IS.


For those of you wanting to do your own study, I have found these resources to be extremely helpful. And if you’d like to comment and add your own links to the list, feel free to do so.

Gay Christian Network has posted a fascinating, thoughtful and respectful debate between two gay Christians with different views, Justin’s view and Ron’s view.

My personal favorite when it comes to books for those who come from an evangelical, catholic, Pentecostal or similar background, is Justin Lee’s Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate. Even if you don’t agree with Justin’s personal conclusions, after reading it you will have a MUCH better understanding of the pain, suffering and deeply personal torment that an individual who loves Christ but who is also gay faces.

One that has rocked my world is James V. Brownson’s book, Bible, Gender, Sexuality: Reframing the Church’s Debate on Same-Sex Relationships. I love what Peggy Campolo said about it, “If ever a book spoke the good news of the gospel with biblical authority to those children of God who happen not to be straight, it is this book. Brownson addresses with clarity an issue that is tearing the church of Jesus Christ apart, as he gently insists that all of us allow new facts and insights to illuminate our understanding of what Scripture has to say to gay and lesbian Christians.”

Matthew Vines has also written a great book about what the Bible actually says about homosexuality, and tells his own story, and several others. God and the Gay Christian is an easy but extremely informative read (Matthew is brilliant), and is available both on Amazon and Audible, if you’d rather listen to it, like I did.

For those interested in checking out evangelical Christian ministries who are trying to create space for open, honest wrestling of issues around sexuality in a safe space, check out New Direction Ministries of Canada. Their Executive Director, Wendy Gritter, M. Div., also writes a great blog.

Thad Norvell recently posted a brilliant blog called Gay Marriage and the Posture of the Gospel. Well worth your time!

From Peter Enns: Tim Keller on Homosexuality and Biblical Authority: Different Crisis, Same Problem. Another interesting perspective…perspectives, really. Though Peter Enns differs with Tim Keller’s perspective, we respect them both. We own a lot of Tim Keller’s books, and love them. One of them, Prodigal God, is one of my all-time favorite reads.

From Scot McKnight and Steven Harrell comes Bible Verse Arms Race, which though it doesn’t address homosexuality directly, is extremely applicable.

If you are a Christian parent of an LGBTQ child, Susan Cottrell writes regularly on very practical issues related to the experience of having a gay child on her blogsite Freedhearts.com. She also has a new book out entitled, “Mom, I’m Gay” that you can order there.

For those interested in reading the very personal journey of one Christian who has felt called to celibacy, I highly recommend Wesley Hill’s Washed and Waiting. After finishing it, my first comment to Rob was, “DANG. The commitment to celibacy is SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT than we in the church make it sound. I don’t think I could tell ANYONE that celibacy is their call – I’ll leave that up to GOD!” (Especially given that Rob and I have the ability to sleep together, pillow talk, bike ride and overall, be soulmates, whenever we want. To tell someone else that they CAN’T have that seems awfully arrogant and hypocritical to me.) That said, I have deep respect for Wesley Hill, and for others like him who feel personally called by Christ to celibacy…Julie Rodgers is a new and quickly beloved friend of ours who has a GREAT blog on her own journey.

Note to my critics: You will see that I did not include resources that come down clearly on one side or the other, because I do not. There are a LOT of them out there, on both sides. And a lot of them have valid, good things to say. I included the resources that have spoken most deeply to me, and the ones that I feel encourage having grace and understanding for each other, as well as giving each other in the Body of Christ space to disagree about the things that aren’t essential. Matthew 22:37-40 is essential. Matthew 25:31-46 is essential. Micah 6:8 is essential. John 3:16 is essential. These speak to themes that are repeated over and over again, throughout the Bible. If I am going to die on a hill for something, I will die on a hill over loving the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my mind…and loving my neighbor as myself. I will NOT die on a hill – or even spend two seconds thinking about – whether or not my brother Don was “Biblically justified” to love his partner Fletcher. THAT was between Don, Fletch and Jesus, and the three of them had it sorted out just fine, thank you, without my help. Okay, bring on the hate mail. I know it is coming. But as Ryan at two said, “Please be gentle.”