On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.
But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
Just Because He Breathes 
2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
Dear Linda,
Thank you for sharing your story and for the wonderful insight and truth you have been willing to accept.
I know you will always miss your son Ryan but hope that the pain will get easier to bear over time.
Blessings on you and your family!
Gay in Texas,
Carol
Dear Linda:
Your story moved me so much, and I am grateful you had the fortitude and compassion to share it. I too know firsthand the pain of losing a son, and I know you, like I, make every effort to keep the connection with the child spiritually. Ryan was obviously a wonderful person, and I know you must be proud of him for what he achieved in his all too brief life on earth. It seems to me he was and still remains an inspiration to many people. My late wife and I also had four children, the last of whom is named Ryan by the way. My consolation in the loss of my son Christopher is that he is likely with his mother on the other side. Love to you and your family.
Rocco
Linda and Rob, I am praying daily for you as you continue to share this story. During prayer yesterday, Michael W. Smith’s song, “Lux Venit,” came to me. Your story, Ryan’s story, is light coming to us, helping us to understand this very difficult issue that is dividing and hurting us as children of God. I intend on sharing this with ALL of my friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, that the Holy Spirit might lead us in LOVE to unity, holiness, acceptance, and joy. “weeping may last the night, but joy comes in the morning.” I love you guys,
Rich Butler
Straight in Seattle
Linda and Rob,
The Butlers are praying for strength and peace and protection for you this morning. I prayed for sweet sleep last night as I’m sure you were tempted to toss and turn. God’s hand is in this! Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged…for the Lord your God will be with you. and is with you.
love,
Barb Butler
Linda and Rob… Your story at the conference was POWERFUL – full of compassion. Every parent in America needs to see your talk. We unwittingly transfer suffocating expectations on our children… to our peril. You both have been filled up with a full measure of grace that spills over on the rest of us. May we listen, and hear. Carolyn has been following your journey with great earnestness ever since she met you at the copy machine over there at Sutherland Hall. We love you both. And would cherish the opportunity to have met Ryan. Thank you for your courage to speak the truth, with such amazing love. Ken
Ken – I just read your words aloud to Rob, and they mean so very much to us. Coming from the two of you, who have parented such a beautiful big family with such wisdom and grace, they mean a great deal. And THANK YOU for saying that you would cherish the chance to meet Ryan!!!!
Please give your beautiful wife a huge hug for me! Can’t wait to see her again – hopefully this fall!
Thank you for sharing your story! I am in the midst of this journey with my son who came out to me 6 months ago. I struggle & wrestle with loving him well & trying to understand God’s heart in all of this! I so needed to hear your story & simple statement to love him & let God do the rest. Please know that you & Ryan have helped me tremendously. Thank you!!
Beth…thank you SO much for sharing this with me; you have made it all worth it. I will pray for you – and your son – and that God will bless your relationship with ABUNDANT grace and love for each other.
Linda, I stumbled upon your blog several weeks ago and read your story with much appreciation for the gift of looking into your family’s journey with Ryan. Then your name surfaced again in Julie Rogers’ recent post. I’m captivated by God’s radical work of grace in your hearts and how your lives are being used to love others who might not have ever known the unspeakable joy of being wanted “just because they breathe.” I pray Father blesses you with boundless energy and resources to carry on his good work in the world around you.
Bless you, Kim!! Your words are powerful and encouraging! Thank you for showing US such grace!
I am so sad about the loss of your precious Ryan. I know the passion you felt to help him be what you thought was best. I know that those good, honest intentions were from love. As Julie shared her meeting with you, I thought of the love and pride Ryan would have for you.
As I mourned my son’s situation, I had a friend tell me, that God will pursue him in ways I never can. That freed me to love him with no expectations. That freed me to want to break the bondage of secrets, that parents carry. I’m not sure what that will look like in the church, but it can be a lonely fellowship, otherwise.
You both inspire me. I join you in a bigger love for all of God’s children.
Bless you, Debby! Your words are grace to me! May our Lord continue to enable you to love your son just because he breathes!
Linda,
I was moved first by your article on Huffington Post entitled ‘Our Son’s Gay Wedding,’ and am even more touched now reading your blog. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. I am older than Ryan, and continue to struggle with how and when to come out to my very Christian parents. At 27, I live a “double life,” I suppose you could call it that. I’m so incredibly happy with the ‘man of my dreams’ — and have been with him for nearly 3 years. Its the story of so many LGBTQ people everywhere. Your story is powerful, your testimony more honest than any I’ve seen – and I grew up in a household with a pastor for a father. Please continue to share your story. You could save so many lives – the lives of young people who see no other option. Your story could help so many of those parents, particularly Christian parents, who are struggling to “choose” between their faith or the LGBTQ child/children they are trying desperately not to lose. I hope to see more of this incredible testimony and message of love in Huffington Post and perhaps even a book.
Best,
Jay
Oh, my goodness…Jay, thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to comment, and to tell us how you found this tiny, new blog. You have encouraged us PROFOUNDLY…I am going to copy and paste your comment and save it for when Rob and I need reminded of why we are doing this…why God has called us to this.
Jay, know that we are so thankful for people like you…who have every reason to walk away from God, from Jesus, because the church has been nothing but unsafe and hurtful. And yet you remain…seeking Him. Your faith encourages us! I cannot imagine going through what you have experienced. I have great respect for you, my new friend.
Thanking Him for you tonight,
linda
Linda-
I read “Our Gay Son’s Wedding” on Huffington Post and am so encouraged to find your blog here. I’m sitting in the kitchen of the home that my boyfriend and I have made our personal sanctuary with tears rolling down my face at the thought of what you’ve had to walk through, the incredible love you have for your son, and the broken heart I have knowing that my parents (who I love deeply) are missing out on my life. I’m 28 years old and have been with my God-made match for over 2 1/2 years now, and it is the most Christ-honoring, encouraging, respectful and positive relationship I’ve ever experienced. My dad is a Southern Baptist minister through and through, and it has made it extremely difficult for he and my mom to maintain honest relationship with me. In my honesty about being gay, I was met with unimaginable fear and disappointment from them both that has crippled my relationship with them and my two older sisters. I am left without my birth family in a sense, and that is extremely difficult. Your heart and vulnerable posts make me feel like there’s a Godly mom out there who loves me exactly as I am, and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for not shutting out what you may not fully understand. Thank you for the fact that, were you my mom, I would be having you over for dinner and experiencing the most beautiful parts of my life with you. That is something I can’t have with my mom right now, but I’m hopeful that someday it will be a reality.
I look forward to what the Lord continues to show you and the ways that He continues to love you. I can’t imagine the joy and pride that Ryan had in having you and your husband as parents. What a blessing. Thank you again.
Robby
Robby…I have chills…literally…upon reading this…and there are tears running down my face. Tears for your family, who don’t yet realize that they are missing out on time with you that they can never get back…and God Himself only knows how much time we all have left.
I wish you and your boyfriend could come over to our house for dinner, and we could share, the four of us, what God is teaching us, and how He is drawing us to Himself. Rob and I would LOVE that. From your message, I can tell that we would ADORE you.
One thought…Rob and I have come a LONG way. We used to be trapped by fear into a place that completely alienated Ryan. We didn’t get from that place to where we are now quickly. It took a LONG time. I am so thankful that Ryan didn’t give up on us, nor did Jesus.
Thanking Jesus for you today, Robby! I am so grateful you are my brother in Christ!
Robby, I hurt for you and your parent’s also, and boy, would I like to be more like Linda. I just finished a parent interview with the Marin Foundation. One thing I mentioned is that we live in fear, not to hurt you at all, but it does tarnish our love. Finally, a friend told me that “God will pursue my son, in ways I never will be able to.” God used that, and Julie Rodger’s blog to let love conquer my fear. I pray for your parents and you. I can’t believe the grace my son has shown me, when I put conditions on my love. Conditions are gone and I am free to love him.
They must be so proud of you, too. It is my prayer that, grace and God’s hand will turn this around and they will know the blessings of having you as their son.
Dear Linda,
I just read this story and cried my eyes out! My son is 17 and is gay. As a christian, it was very hard for my husband and me understand how to handle the situation because of being raised in the believe that it is a sin to be gay and the love of my child. Well the love of my child in the end was more important to me than what I had been taught on one subject in the Bible and realized more than anything Jesus taught us to LOVE everyone! We attend church were my brother in law is the pastor and my father in law use to be a pastor and it is very conservative! My son has chosen not to tell that side of the family yet because he knows it will not be easy but have told him we will support him 110% when he is ready! Your article was such and eye opener for me and really has made be realize that everything I am doing is right even through I struggle within my own religious convictions privately at times! It is very easy for people on either side of the aisle to condone us as parents about what is right and wrong on raising happy, healthy children but my son loves GOD and is truly a very spritual person and I love him everyday for the bravery he shows and his conviction to love himself for who he is and to be happy in this very unloving world for gay people!
I am truly sorry for loss of your son but do know that your article has truly touched me and helped me as a parent and a christian! I pray that everyday God will give you strength and insight to help other parents that struggle everyday and need comfort knowing that we can all love our children whether gay or straight!
GOD BLESS,
Becky
My heart breaks for you, Robby. I pray your parents will realize that to have a live son is a blessing whether gay or straight. I’ve lost a son, so I know whereof I speak. I have trouble understanding how “Christians” cannot accept someone because they’re gay. True Christians know that God loves you gay or straight. “God doesn’t make junk”
So beautiful, Linda. So glad you posted and are blogging. This is the story that people need to hear. I still get comments on my blog by people lacking any understanding of what they’re asking of people. Thank you for your heart and your life. Love you very much.
Bless you, Susan…This is such a “GOD thing.” If it wasn’t for Natasha asking me to write something, and then if it wasn’t for you asking me if you could post it, NONE of this would have happened. The past few weeks have been an ENORMOUS faithbuilder for me…God has reminded me over and over again how intimately involved He is with our lives, and how He can use me IN SPITE OF how messy and broken I am.
Much love to you, my dear new friend!!
I am reading from the other side of things if you like, as a Gay Christian myself, and really appreciate your comments and your willingness to accept humanity, sensitivity, inclusiveness and empathy above and over rigid thinking. Thank you
Thank YOU! God has used people like you to teach us so very, very much!
Linda, I was very touched by your story and would like to connect with you. Reconciling my spirituality and sexuality was an existential struggle for me at that age as well; my heart goes out to you and yours. My book “Coming Out Spiritually” was published some years back and more info about my work may be found at http://www.soulfulpower.com. I can be reached at christian@soulfulpower.com or (877) 773-7557. Blessings!
I came out to my family 11 years ago. Like you, they are strong, god-fearing Christians, with unbreakable convictions. In a way, I admire them for that, but sadly I am on the opposite end of those convictions. Unfortunately I still have not been able to get to this place you are at, with them. How do you make people understand? I spent most of my 20’s drinking and doing drugs in rebellion of them, of god, of whomever told me who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do. I just turned 30, and through therapy I’ve been working on a lot, but reading your blog reminded me of us. I often times think of my parents being on their deathbed and finally saying “I’m sorry, you were right”. How cinematic. I could also never get that, and I have to be ok with that. I never imagined I could be the one on my deathbed. I don’t know what I am anymore, as far as religion goes, but I do know that your words have touched me. So, although I know you may feel like you missed out with your son, know that there are some of us out there that get to read this and feel a little more at home. Thank you for sharing your story.
I wanted to send you a personal letter, but I can’t find a contact here that isn’t public. Am I missing the contact page?
Dear reader,
I would love to have the chance to write a play about this, I have my own theatre group in Belgium, and I would love to write a play called “Omdat hij ademt” (translated: because he breathes). You have inspired me greatly!
Please let me know if that’s ok.
Kind regards,
Robert
Dear Linda.
I stumbled across this blog via Twitter and am so glad I took the time to read and watch your story.
I’m 25 years old and have been in a same sex relationship with my partner for nearly 7 years. We love each other dearly and couldn’t imagine life without each other’s company and support.
Both our families love us unconditionally, and because of this, we have been able to grow into caring young men. Though it was not easy at the start, (my parents also had a hard time reconciling their faith with my sexuality), over time we were able to build strong relationships based on understanding and love. Now, we cherish our families more than anything and am always thankful for their support. My partner and I are looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
I know that there are many around the world who are struggling with accepting their sexuality because on many different reasons. And so I am thankful that you have shared your story. I’m sure that your dedication in talking about your experiences and the love that you have for Ryan will make a positive difference in many peoples’ lives.
Thank you.
Kind regards,
RJ
Melbourne, Australia
Dear Robertsons,
I can hardly imagine the depth of pain you surely have walked through, and I am in praise and thanks that you could bear witness to such a palpable, simple, clear message about God at work in the most confused, even forbidding, life circumstances. I’m very old by now, 68 years to be honest. Three years ago I started having intense, many-dimensioned, almost unbearably painful flashbacks. I first time traveled back to the time of my sexual assault by three holiness church network boys when I was twelve. They were fourteen, fifteen. I was enamored in a twelve year old way, with each of them, and of course, especially the ‘leader of the pack.’ I knew I could never, ever tell anybody what had happened. Then a second flashback door opened, this time into my ten years of vigorous ex-gay church life and counseling. The twelve year old incident was difficult indeed, but it really was a one time hit. The ten years of trying not to be ‘gay’ for God and Jesus has for all practical purposes, destroyed me inside. I took great care to destroy my life, no matter what happy, positive doors and opportunities opened up for me. I am so distraught, hanging on with individual and group counseling, and my NA twelve step drug recovery, and the text for prayer partners who are my mix of family, friends, and so forth. I simply have so deeply swallowed the very poison you describe with your son that I have to frankly wonder if I can ever recover. I’m stage four cancer anyway, so it is a constant temptation to stop the meds and just let nature follow the typical course of this disease. Can I make a deal? I promise to keep you all on my prayer lists if only, should you feel prompted, would sometimes add me to your prayer lists. I just feel so deeply and widely before all words and thoughts, beyond all words and thoughts, that I should never have been born. I’m not sure I can stick the self-loathing out for whatever time I have left, and I am so sad that I felt compelled to undo or ruin my life’s positive moments. Sorry. Hope I’m not being too whiny. This church/faith stuff hurts, then hurts more, then makes me ruin things in my adult life, then goes on hurting. I don’t even consciously ‘believe’ any of it any more; I’ve read and read, I’ve talked prayerfully with people for alternate views and discernments. None of all that homework, good as it is, has helped me. Alas. Lord have mercy. All the best to the Robertson family, friends, and faith community.
Linda,
I hope you know how much your story will and has affected so many people. I read your post with tears streaming from my face. My partner and I have been together 16 years now and have a beautiful 6 year-old son who is our world. Her family, although they live one mile from us, has never accepted us, or our son. They told her that because I gave birth to him, that he is not their grandson – they have actually never even met him. Her mother once wrote that she would have preferred her daughter become a drug addict, over being a lesbian. Those words cut deeply. Your story leaves me with hope that one day, they will understand and embrace their daughter with the love she so deserves. I am truly sorry for your loss – I do believe though that God has chosen you as one who can heal many hearts…and as stated above, can save lives. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry that your parents have wished such a harsh punishment on you. But Jesus came to set the broken hearted free. That means you, me and anyone else who may be hurting and not be able to understand why they are the way they are. God is a God of unmerited favor and he sent his only begotten son Jesus for that purpose, so that we can have forgiveness of sins and have everlasting life with him. So be of good cheer my friend God knows the heart of every man, women and child, and he still sent his son Jesus for the remissions of our sin. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you.
Absolutely heart-breaking and beautiful. As a gay man who blogs about my own recovery from drug addiction…and the recovery of my faith…this hit me hard. I’m so sorry for the pain your family has experienced, but so grateful you were able to write about this…this can…and will..help a lot of people struggling with the same issues. God bless you, and thank you.
Linda and Rob,
First off, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Ryan. There’s nothing harder for a parent to experience than the death of their child.
I’m 28-years-old and from the VERY Conservative state of Kentucky. When I first came out to my family in high school, my parents sent me to a local Exodus International “branch” for counseling which led to a lot of confusion. I was raised in a rigid Southern Baptist home and was very active in my church, though what I was being taught at home, in church, and even at my extremely religious high school contradicted both the way I felt inside and who I knew I was as a person. There were many times in that era of my life that I hated myself for something that I couldn’t change. I eventually moved to a larger, more accepting, city for college, and while I’ve learned to love myself, I still haven’t been able to love God again because of all of the hate people have expressed to me “on his behalf,” so-to-speak. I’ve yet to find a church that is accepting here. I keep praying that my heart will change and I will find the right place even though I’ve not had much luck so far.
I’ve shared your message with so many people since I read your first article “My Son’s Gay Wedding” on the Huffington Post. You all are brave and truly inspirational. Every parent should have to watch your message.
I hope you have continued strength to carry your powerful message to many families and many parents who need to hear it.
Thank you for your courage and bravery in sharing your story,
John C.
Lexington, Kentucky
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart cries for you. I hope that this will be an eye-opening event for many parents out there who don’t want to accept their “gay” child.
Thank you for sharing this powerful story. I hope you won’t mind that I’m sharing it with everyone I know via Facebook.
Much love to you and your family,
Julianna
Linda and Rob: I am so sorry for your loss, and I deeply appreciate the message you are sharing now.
I can relate to your story in two ways. First, I lost my only brother to his long-term addiction to prescription drugs. He had been off drugs a year, but accidentally overdosed during a replase. So, understand the pain and suffering that your entire family endured as you saw Ryan harm himself with drugs and then ultimately lose his life. Secondly, I am a gay man (although my brother was straight). It has taken me decades to accept myself. I did not WANT to be gay. However, after a lot of psychotherapy and developing a network of gay friends, I slowly learned to accept myself.
I am so pleased that you accepted Ryan (and he knew it) during his life time. I also applaud the message you’re sending out now. It will help many and very likely may save a life. I know Ryan would be so proud of you.
Roco
Linda and Rob,
I just read your story and pain and want to let you know God is definitly walking with you. I to have a gay son turning 40 this month and was raised in tradition christian values. He was raised in a baptist church and has had all the struggles of questioning why God did not love him. We as a family never questioned our love , but did make the mistake of looking to fix at first and we went to see a Exodus councilor at his request , but God knew better and we were stood up. He is walking as God leads him. We have learned that as God said ” you will know them by thier love” is not a testament of todays church, which have like so many churches in the past , forgotten God and boast the triditions of man that have become the doctrine of the church. The one thing we have learned is the old saying “MY ways are not Your ways” really has stood out and I never forget that my son was know by God when he was formed in the womb of my wife and he was made gay by God and loved by God, and the best thing I can do is let my son know he is loved by his father and by his heavenly father irrespective of what the church says or does. May your message help christians see that God is love and achknowledge that we do not understand Gods ways but we are to follow is commandment to love one another.
W Davis , Mission Viejo, Calif.
I jumped over to your blog after reading “Just Because He Breathes” on HuffPost. Thank you and God bless you for sharing your story. I cried the whole way through. My partner and I have been together for 19 years and we have two kids. As a parent, I can’t even imagine the pain you must be feeling at the loss of your son. The section that wrenched my heart more than any other was this: “What we had wished for, prayed for, hoped for — that we would not have a gay son — came true. But not at all in the way we had envisioned.” If only more parents of gay children would realize what they’re really praying for…
We parents are not perfect. You made mistakes, as we all do. But your son was a lucky young man because you came to realize your mistakes, acknowledge them and move past them. That takes courage and strength. Your son obviously got some of his strength to overcome his addiction from the wonderful people who raised him. I am sure he forgives you and loves you as much as you love him. I only wish all LGBT kids had parents who could see the truth as you have. I hope your story will help many others.
– Wishing you much peace and healing
Dear Linda,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My sister has come out to be as being gay. I am a huge equal rights activisit so I support her as much as I can. BUT my mother who was born in 1949 is very old school. My sister is terrified to tell my mom for fear of being hated. My sister is also adopted and my one older brother HATES gay people and he lives with us also. It kills me when he makes jokes about gay people or uses horrible terms. I am going to show your story to my mom who has already lost a child due to health issues and maybe it will wake her up to the fact that she is blessed to just have a daughter who does great in school and is a basket ball and track star.
I can’t say it enough thank you so much for your courage to share your story. I am also very sorry for your tragic loss. He was a very handsome man and I loved his songs!
Thank you,
Jessica George
Oxford, Michigan
My heart goes out to you and your family. I thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful boy, Ryan, with the world. I am the mother of a gay son, who is ironically very close to Ryan’s age. I also have another son who has battled drug addiction. Your words touched me on so many levels.
May peace and healing touch your family. You are helping others by bravely sharing this message.
Michele
California
I saw your story on Facebook today, posted by a friend of mine. Being widowed from a gay 30 year relationship and also having been a funeral director and grief counselor, I was touched on many sides. I am a member of Find A Grave website : I went there after learning your story. I think people would like to know Ryan is entered there. My blessings go out to you all. By the way, Ryan’s middle name is my first name.
Thank you for sharing your story. I love hearing stories of healing. I am now 42. I knew I was gay when I was 14. It was the first time I could put a label to what I felt. I went to a High School, San Gabriel h.s. in California, that had the very first on campus school sponsored gay and lesbian student support group back in 1984. I believe it was the first in the entire country. The funny thing is it took me until my senior year to have the courage to attend the group. I would walk by that room and stop wishing I could just walk in. I also had a strongly religious family. My Grandmother once told me that if I killed myself it would be a forgivable sin, but being with another man would not be. Fortunately I was strong enough to know this was not true. I was strong enough to know that I am loved because I just breathe. Fast Forward, I couldn’t ask for a better family. They all have told me that me being Gay and watching me become the person I am today taught them how to love just because. I was very depressed and living in hurt in my teens but I have never done drugs, drank alcohol or smoked. I knew those would kill me. In an odd way I think just knowing that the school I went to supported those who felt like I did gave me hope.
I am so thankful and blessed to have been guided to read your story and this blog. It was just what I needed after reading an email earlier that was perpetuating negative ideas about homosexuals. I am a Christian and I believe that there are Christians who are gay. They cannot help who they are just like I cannot help who I am as an African American. The difference is that I cannot hide who I am. A homosexual person can. In that hiding they are denying who they are and who God made them to be. I have to be who I am because it is “written on my face”. I have to believe that God created me this way for a reason. He made homosexuals the way they are for a reason too.
Thank you for developing this blog and thank you for sharing your story.
Dear Linda,
My daughter sent me a link to this article that was on Huffington Post. We have a 14-year-old son who came out to us just over a year ago, and I’ve had a lot of the same thoughts that you did in the beginning. Jackson’s coming out was very much like Ryan’s to you. Not via instant message, but in person; but the conversation was so similar. He came out on Facebook about a month later – something that we would rather he had done differently, but it’s been okay. We have not tried to change him, or discourage him – we’ve just watched his journey over this past year. And I can honestly say, we do love him just because he breathes. He’s our third and youngest child, the second son. He’s a beautiful boy, and one who has been a “challenge” his entire life. He’s extremely intelligent, and he loves attention, and frankly, I’ve wondered a few times if his coming out was to gain more attention. But more and more, I believe he really is gay.
One of my biggest regrets is that many so-called Christians have said some very derogatory things to him, in the name of Christ. That he and other homosexuals will burn in hell, and that God hates homosexuals. I have tried to counter it by telling him over and over that Christ is all about love, and that Jackson is still very much loved by God and Jesus. He is now in a position of not knowing whether to believe in Christ, and he is a child who was raised in the church. He has all but turned his back on the church for now. My prayer for him, almost constantly, is that he return to his Christian roots. He asked me not long ago if he had godparents. I told him that when he was baptized, we could have chosen specific godparents for him, but that as Presbyterians, the entire congregation takes on the task of being godparents, so we didn’t choose specific people, because he was baptized a child of God. He then asked me, “Am I still a part of that?” And I assured him, “Yes, you are. Forever.”
Reading your story, I wept and wept for Ryan and for you. My heart aches for your loss. But thank you so much for writing Ryan’s story. The really beautiful thing for Jackson is that most of the family has accepted his homosexuality without a problem. His grandfather, my father-in-law, who I thought would be one of the most difficult, has been really wonderful about it. Bottom line: Jackson is ours and we love him as much now as we did before his coming out.
Bless you in your efforts to share your son’s story. My heart truly does ache for your loss. But thank you for your honesty and your caring. God’s peace be with you and your family,always.
Brenda
Linda. my deepest condolences for the loss of your precious son Ryan. You truly have been through the gates of hell…. and back.
I’m a very old (76),very happily married (49½ years), straight man. I notice that nearly all your correspondents are faithful Christians. It’s very difficult for me to say: But have you all looked closely into the roots of this hatred within your own churches? It’s wonderful to place God and Christ above such unChristian and unGodly behavior. But it would think that you owe each other the additional task of rooting out its Churchly sources. In order to save countless children — and their parents — from such needless suffering.
♦ First, examine critically the scattered and cherry-picked Old Testament utterings and isolated verses of bronze-age scribes — who lived thousands of years before Christ. But don’t forget the New Testament as well. The Apostle Paul copiously documents his own disdain for the female sex.
♦ Second, discard the notion of “Inerrancy of the Bible”. The Bible, like all great middle-eastern literature, is Allegorical, not Literal. “Inerrancy” provides a convenient cloak by which to cover one’s personal bias and bigotry with a religious justification (slavery, submission of women, racism, homosexuality, aniti-semitism, etc).
♦ Finally …the hard part. Your congregations could forcefully and publicly challenge reverends, preachers, deacons, priests, or rabbis who persist in preaching such filth. Linda, I congratute you — and even Exodus International (albeit at a tragically late date) — for your courage in detailing Ryan’s journey for us.
Jesse Spotsylvania, Virginia
Jesse,
Thank you for bringing these points up. I am a follower of Christ, and I believe God’s words are infallible. However, the infallible words of God, written down many centuries ago by prophets, have been, as you say “cherry picked” and in my lowly opinion, misinterpreted on a grand scale. From the earliest works discovered to the Dead Sea Scrolls, translation from Arabic and Hebrew languages spoken thousands of years ago to what we know today as the ‘modern’ translation of the Bible, it stands to reason that the original words and meanings of the prophets who wrote down divination from the Most High were probably misinterpreted here and there. And not only that, the Bible most widely used today is incomplete and it’s books are out of order. It seems no consideration was given to dialects, slang, the day to day lives of the people in that land, the culture of that society at the time, and the importance of local events during that period when the Bible was being written. Over hundreds of years.
I do not believe in the ‘Inerrancy’ of God and Jesus Christ. I most wholeheartedly believe in the Inerrancy of humans. I believe God gave us brains, free will, and the opportunity to seek out and research to find the truth about his true word.
Another insight I have come across, personally knowing people going through seminary, is that the majority of these future preachers/ pastors/ priests/ etc are not only not well versed in Hebrew or Arabic, but are completely ignorant of it. They are handed a King James bible, and that is what they study- never seeking out the original documents, scrolls, and prophecies; Never questioning for a second that the man made copy of the most Holy Book ever written might have been swayed this way or that after a thousand years of playing ‘Telephone’.
And don’t get me started on Paul. Yes, I revere him as a prophet of the Most High, but I can’t ignore that it is quite obvious many of his personal opinions were interjected into the books he was accredited as having written.
I could go on and on, but I think it’s best if I end this here.
Much love to Linda and Rob. You loved your son fully and completely. I truly believe he knew that before his untimely and tragic death. God’s love was always with him. Religion did not kill him. Addiction did. Another thing he was born with- an addictive personality. He could have been straight as an arrow and may have fallen to the same fate. His anger may have driven him there, but even if he was straight, he may have ended up abusing some substance eventually. Addiction is not chosen. It is also something that you are born predisposed to. I know because I have first hand knowledge. I am not gay, but I have been very angry, upset, disillusioned, abused, abandoned. And I turned to self medication instead of Christ. And he let me reap what I sowed. I nearly lost everything, my husband and kids, my family, my career, my educational prospects, my life. Religion did not drive me there. I drove myself there on my own. In fact, the only shred of light I saw in those dark times was Christ Jesus. I would not be here if not for his love, grace, and protection. “There but for the grace of God, go I.”
Much love in Christ’s name.
Beautiful! Completely amazing. I read your bit on AOL. We, too, were brought up in a Christian home and my brother told us he was gay. It was a shock, but over time, as you have so beautiful put it, you must love him just because he breathes. God bless you! My heart goes out to you. What a lovely story and message you have to deliver!
Dear Rob & Linda…thanks for sharing your heart-breaking story. Tears ran down my face. Oh how I could relate on so many levels… I’m a gay man who grew up in a strict faith, didn’t come out until I was 25, was excommunicated and yet because I had a wonderful mother whose faith was unshakeable like Job – not matter what happened to her, I still, because of her, respect faith (although I do not have one myself). That indeed is a true miracle. Your honestly, love, sharing, devotion are example for us all. Biggest hugs possible for you both and your children. And biggest hugs of all in spirit to your son Ryan. Donald from Canada… ps. I’ve written for Huffington Post my experiences below…
How I told Gay Youth It Gets Better: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/donald-dhaene/it-gets-better_b_2802943.html
My Relationship with an HIV-Positive Man Taught Me About True Love http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/donald-dhaene/dating-hiv-positive_b_1742824.html
During Xmas I think of my once homeless brother: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/donald-dhaene/christmas-homeless_b_2349519.html
As I read your blog, I was reminded of my relationship with my brother, who has been in a committed homosexual relationship with his partner for close to 20 years. I accepted him, and his partner as he was and we all became very close. This changed about a year or so ago. Out of the blue, as far as I can tell, he felt I (and my entire family) should resign my faith in God and completely agree with him that homosexuality was not a sin, not a choice, but was perfectly normal and acceptable. I want to assure you, while he did receive some pressure from my mom for a while after he came out, he NEVER received any from me or my family. We loved him unconditionally, and when we were introduced to his partner, we immediately accepted him into our family as well. I kept my views to myself, as did he. We had plenty to share and discuss, and always kept politics and religions off the table. While I was perfectly willing to accept him and his partner as they were, and let God pursue him, he was not satisfied with this and insisted I give up all I believe. He recently became more politically active and I believe this has had something to do with it. It has been heartbreaking, as he now insists on no contact with me or his other sister at all, and only calls our mother on holidays and birthdays. He says he cannot be a part of a family that would deny him his “rights”. I have never denied him or his partner anything. I’ve loved them both, accepted them both, treated them both with honor, and dignity, and respect, and taught my children from an early age to do the same.
I have gone over and over again in my head and heart and tried to think of one thing I did that caused this recent reaction, and I have apologized to him over and over again (on his voice mail and thru email) for anything I have done to offend him, to no avail. He has insisted that his partner cut off all contact with HIS family as well, for the same reasons. We are all too “religious” for him. I was so torn up about this when it happened that I became physically ill. Your blog gives me hope that if I keep reaching out, one day we will be able to enter into the closeness we once had. Thank you for your very honest and thoughtful message.
Evidently you believe there is something wrong with your brother. I’m not particularly interested in being around people who think there’s something wrong with me. If you believe you’re “hating the sin not the sinner,” I would counsel you that from the “sinner” side, that still feels like hate. If you hate something about me that is so central to my personhood, I can’t believe that you don’t hate me.
I’ve been around people who were ‘accepting’ but all the while I could feel them waiting for me to “see the light.” I have seen the light for my own life, and I wish all those judging religious folk could notice the beam in their own eye before they attack the speck in mine.
Add in the fact that gay people have absorbed a tremendous amount of punishment over the years. Just listening to the rhetoric used in the last election rubbed me raw. We hear every day that god hates us, that we’re going to burn in hell, and it is often said with such self-righteous glee that I’m convinced those who say such things are looking forward to enjoying the sight of my torture from their privileged seat at the right hand of Jehovah.
In short, we hurt. We still hurt. We hurt every day. The world hurts us every day. You may not be the direct source of the hurt, but your “keeping your views to yourself” is not helping. FYI, homosexuality is not a choice. It is not a sin. It’s the way some of us are made. Your brother may be setting a boundary that he needs to set for his own mental health, and possibly for his very survival. If I were you, I would respect it.
Catherine, thank you for sharing your feelings and viewpoint. I completely see where you would feel that way. I am learning day by day and I hope to someday be able to understand how my son feels and make sure that he knows I accept him. It’s true that our religions influence us to in many ways and in this area I’ve seen that attitude you described. Its truly sad but these kind of discussions can help. I know that this has helped me beyond words. I’ve been Mormon my whole life but when my 18 year old son came out to me I had to take a step away from it for this very reason. I am in the process of “reconstruction of the mind” because of so many fixed beliefs that I had to tear down. Tradition is not good for religion I think and the term “traditional Christianity” is, in my opinion, not valid as a reason to believe something.
But loving my son is easy for me. Accepting that he’s gay was different. Maybe it was harder but I just love him too much to hurt him. Learning to get over the “love the sinner” attitude is more of a challenge and I am striving for that. I will do whatever is required. I know that if I am thinking of him as a sinner that I am judging him and still believing that he has chosen this. Your words helped me greatly and I am sorry for how much pain this type of thinking has caused you. I am happy to hear in your words the strength that you have. I guess its important to be strong when faced with the judgement of others especially when it comes from so much hate and ignorance. I feel the most for those who arent strong and have no one.
J I hope that you can come to accept your brother. I think its interesting that you didnt use your name. I didnt use mine when I first posted here but that is because my son has asked me to keep his confidence. But I know that you mean well and that you are struggling just like so many of us. Hate can come from both sides and I think its important for those who are gay to help us and try to be patient, at least with the ones who are trying, but I cant speak for those folks as I don’t know what they’ve been through. I think that Catherine was very honest in her words and it can be hard for us to hear sometimes but I think that you are a sincere man with sincere, loving intentions and I believe that you will work this out. You’ve already come this far!! I will be right there with you!
J.
You claim, ” We loved him unconditionally, and when we were introduced to his partner, we immediately accepted him into our family as well.” And yet you continue to judge him and clearly have conditions for your and God’s love. “He felt I (and my entire family) should resign my faith in God and completely agree with him that homosexuality was not a sin, not a choice, but was perfectly normal and acceptable.” Until you figure out that you are not the one who decides the conditions of God’s love, you will get no where. Your brother’s “sin” and “choice” are between him and God. He needs you to just be his brother and love him.
Mama R
After watching your slide show, your story made me weep in front of my computer. Thank you for being willing to share it. Many evangelical Believers need to hear your story. I have seen such a polarization between our political parties and Christians usually being Republican and way so conservative because of this issue. It is so sad. God has called us to love at all times. In the New Testament, we see that Jesus never, ever condemned homosexuality. It was only in Paul’s letters did that come out to be “gospel truth.” I plan to share your website with many of my Christian friends. He was a beautiful young man. I am glad you are brave enough to let God use your story.
Dear Linda and Rob,
I just read your story on AOL and watched your presentation and I was so totally moved by your story and the fortitude in which you told it. I’m sure that it was very difficult to do. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. I am the mother of one child, a girl who is almost 15 years old. Now I know what is right in my heart for all parents. You love your children no matter what. If the day ever comes when she should tell me she is gay, I can accept it. Now, after hearing your story, I feel differently towards others around me. I was accepting, but not TRULY accepting in my heart. I am now. Thank you and Rob and bless all of your family.
Hi just read your awesome story about your handsome son Ryan! sorry for your lost, The words Because He Breaths are heart touching, I cried thinking about my oldest son-(29)_ who sometimes I think have forgotten about his mother and his (11) year olds twins sister and brother. after reading this and looking at the video and the song that touch my heart. I ask GOD to forgive me if I did anything to my son that made him walk away from me. I love him much more Just Because. Thank You. May GOD bless you and your Family with many blessing.-
My heart aches for you!
Tears ran down my cheeks as I read this and I hope that you have forgiven yourself.
I think that many people begin the journey by reacting the very same way.
I believe that this writing will help someone else. Blessings to you and yours!
http://mytwicebakedpotato.com
Linda,
I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful it is to read this post of yours! My own journey back to my true self began sometime around my 13th year of life. Like you, but unlike my own mother, I, too, was a God-fearing Christian. At that time, nothing would have made me happier than to walk to church with my mom and see her be saved. I did everything in my power to get her to join me, but she was stubborn in her ways and refused. Three years of confusion, prayers and lots of self-loathing, I finally asked myself, “What would Jesus Do?” The answer was quite simple: LOVE YOURSELF.
In 1997, the summer before my senior year in High School, I gave up on my “cure” and decided it was time to have that same gut-wrenching conversation with my own mom that you had with your son back in 2001. It was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made but it didn’t take long for me to see I hadn’t given my hell-bound mother enough credit. The love that she showed me then in that vulnerable, formative moment was the same love that you showed your own son, the only difference was that her love wasn’t colored by the conditional filter of conventional Christianity.
Though I was fortunate not to go through such a battle with drugs as your son did, today, almost 16 years later, I am finally able to see it was never God I should have been fearing, but the “Christian” dogma instead. I had taken all the hateful rhetoric, dispensed in the name of God himself upon me which multiplied and became like a cancer to my soul. The story of your son’s life and of your choosing to, as you put it, walk by FAITH instead of FEAR, is inspiring, uplifting and is one more small healing miracle in my own journey to a cancer-free soul.
Please, keep telling your story, Linda. You are opening the hearts and changing the lives of many who have been wounded and many more who will be spared the pain that would have otherwise been inflicted by other Christians who think they are doing the “right” thing.
With abundant love,
Ryan
First let me say I am deeply saddened and sorry for your loss. There are no amount of words that can begin to describe my sorrow.
My question is does the hurt get any easier to cope with? I buried my twins 16 months 28 days ago. Yes, I’m still counting the days. I struggle to breathe. Some days I have to remind myself to take in air. I’ve lost friends & family memebers in my life because I can’t move forward. I think of all the things I’ll never get to do with my son & daughter.
How do you & your husband make it through the next sec, min, hour or day? The passing of the twins has ended a friendship that had years of memories. The same friendship that created two beautiful babies also lead to us parting ways with me being left to struggle through so many feelings & hearings. How were you two able to survive the loss of your son & remain as one?
My miracle babies that I prayed for, for many years. God answered my prayers only to take my precious babies away. How do I keep the faith? How does one believe after something like this. Our children deserved to live a life. I’d give my own life to have them here. Just a few more hours.
Please send advice on how to make it to the next sec, min, hour or day. I’m hanging on by a single thread of faith. I feel I’m alone & no one understands what I’m feeling or going through.
Rhonda…I am going to reply to you privately…losing one child – much less TWO – is one of the most lonely, alienating, horrifically painful experiences anyone can go through.
It will NOT always feel this bad. The first two years were horrible. And we never, ever go through a day without missing him. But we laugh, too, now, and can experience great joy.
I will find your email and get back to you ASAP, Rhonda. You are LOVED.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t say- “man- messed up again” with my parenting…reading your story makes me realize that we ALL “mess up” no matter how good our intentions are…I cannot take away your pain…but I wanted you to know that YOUR story helps ME to not beat myself up so much….thank you & blessings
Dear Linda,
Thank you for telling Ryan’s story. I am not religious but I feel deeply how much love is in you and in the path you choose to walk.
All the best wishes to you and your family from Hamburg, Germany! Alvaro
I ran across your video today and tried to watch it. I really tried. I learned something in doing so, that the name of Jesus from the lips of Christians is still like a knife in my heart. I truly loved Jesus as a child, but Christians made him into the greatest threat and the greatest source of pain in my life. In the name of Jesus my family walked out on me. In the name of Jesus my church asked me to leave. In the name of Jesus my every friend rejected me. In the name of Jesus, they tried to take my son away from me. In the name of Jesus they abandoned my son when he would not abandon me. In the name of Jesus they ended my career. In the name of Jesus they soiled my reputation. In the name of Jesus they almost killed me. Several times. In the name of Jesus they did kill many I have known. In the name of Jesus they ridiculed my art, my poetry, my music… the only place my true self was ever expressed. In the name of Jesus they come around unbidden and try to convince me that their god hates what I am and that I should believe it. The saddest part is that I cannot listen to your testimony, sincere as I know it must be. I wanted to, but I cannot. I still whisper to Jesus now and then, but his name from the lips of Christians is like a fist in my chest. I wish it were not so.
No wonder, MRG…If I had gone through what you have,,,well…I cannot imagine.
What I do know is this: No matter what PEOPLE have done in the name of Jesus, who YOU are in the eyes of your Creator has NOT changed. HE LOVES YOU. You are precious to Him.
Someday, if you want to watch the video, feel free. But for now, know that I am one Christian who will never use the name of Jesus to attack you…and God have mercy on me if I have ever done that to anyone else. I am honored that you even visited my blog.
I’m so sorry for your loss but happy that you found your son again and found that you could love him. I see too many Christians who judge and put conditions on their love. Our JOB as Christians is simply to love – the rest is up to God. I hope that your story will help others to see, to forgive and to love – unconditionally.
Why must humans learn a lesson only after so many tragedies happened? lots of sad things could be avoided with grace and mercy. Sign.
Did you ever realize how many people’s lives will probably be effected because of this powerful story? He did not die in vane.
You could not say words that are more of a gift to us, Susan…BLESS YOU!
Linda, I just discovered your contribution on HuffPost from a link that someone shared on Rachel Held Evans’ blog post today. That led me to the video of your talk at Exodus International and the video of your memories of Ryan and to this blog site. If I getting the time frame right, I believe that you just recently started blogging and that blog was just posted on HuffPost in the past few days. If so, thank you so much for having to courage to start sharing your story in this way, if either in the past or just recently. I know it is no accident that that stumbled on your story today because of reading the comments under Rachel’s posting. I am literally wordless right now because of how I so identify with so much of what you and your husband struggled with, what the conclusions are you came to ask you and Ryan began repairing your damaged relationship and where you find yourself now in wanting to help families who are dealing with the very controversial issue and all the pain that comes with it, much of which is inflicted by the Church. I feel like I have just met a kindred spirit, a woman, wife and mom who literally took the thoughts out of my head at and there are so many things I have to say to you. I will use your invitation to email you as my thoughts would be too long for this space. I know you can not respond to everything you read but I just appreciate that you are willing to read everything. But for now, I just want to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Ryan. I know nothing can ever take away the pain of your loss but I pray that you will see just a glimpse right now of what God has in store for you and your husband in this journey and how many lives you will touch. You have already touched mine immeasurably.
I am sorry for your loss. I applaud you as a mother for your deep honesty and love.
My father is an ordained Presbyterian Pastor. My little brother is gay. My father, his wife and the rest of my family supports and accepts my bro 130%. This truthful, powerful and touching piece brings me to a sense of peace when I think of how acceptance shows up in my family.
Thank you! I too have lived with the wrestling of my sexuality with God. I’ve cried at night asking to be “normal” like all the other straight guys. Even now at the age of 34, I struggle every day. Does God really love me enough to take me to heaven with him? I became a Christian as a child. I have never stopped loving him, worshiping him in my own way but he has never changed my sexual desire for men to be for women. I don’t understand why he has made me this way.
There are plenty of scientific evidences that what makes you attract to same sex, but there is no general consensus. No general consensus doesn’t mean there is no scientific evidence. Just accept who you are. since that’s part of you. It’s better to accept your self now than accept yourself when you turn 50 then moan the years you have lost to stay in the closet.
My prayers are with you and your family. Have faith that you nd your son will be together agsin in heaven.