On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.
But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
Just Because He Breathes 
2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
Could someone here please pray for me? I am so so lost and I could really use some Christian help.
Im 19 and dating a girl I care for deeply but I am in turmoil feeling like God and Jesus do not hear me or my prayers. Can someone please pray to him and just send up a prayer for his guidance for me? I am so helpless and need him badly.
A.N.L….what makes you feel like God doesn’t hear you?? You clearly desire to know Him and to please Him, and I KNOW that He loves you and hears your every thought, worry and prayer. I WILL pray for you…but please know that He is there for you!
I just am afraid of him hating me or sending me to hell for loving her.
A.N.L…Are you a reader? If so, I’d highly recommend that you check out Justin Lee’s book, “Torn” or Matthew Vine’s book, “God and the Gay Christian.” I think both would be hugely encouraging…They are both gay Christians who love God passionately, and want nothing more than to please them with their lives. I know both of them, and they are wonderful men.
And one other thought…what loving parent could EVER hate their child, or send her to hell? Those aren’t things that loving parents are even capable of doing…and how much MORE loving is God, right??
Praying that you will deeply know how much He loves you!
I just want to send you a big hug! It is impossible for God to hate you; in fact He loves you unconditionally! I have a gay son and it makes me sad to think that he may feel this way also. I try to tell him, and I am telling you; GOD LOVES YOU!! It makes me sad that you feel this way, please accept my hug and know that God is hugging you too!
Both authors are excellent. You might also want to watch a movie titled A Fish Out of Water.
It will help give you a new perspective on being gay.
Edward
Here is a web site with resources that might help you as well, http://www.affirmingchristian.info
I’m no Christian but my husband is, and I am a man of faith, and I tell you this truly from my heart and soul – GOD LOVES YOU WITHOUT CONDITION! Know this. Accept this. You – you are a child of God and Jesus does love you as you are. All Jesus taught was that we are to love God and each other, to treat each other as we desire to be treated. So I, a stranger, tell you, I love you and respect you – and so does God.
Dear ANL, I hope you check in every once in a while and read my note. I am now 54; I’ll never forget being 19. Its was so scary and so exciting. That was when I accepted myself for being myself. There really isn’t an explanation except to say “you just know.” And I just knew and no pretense would change that. What is changeable and choosable, is whether to accept yourself as the creation of God and be that creation.
My God is not the typical concept of God; God is a creator, and creation is all encompassing. The good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the grand and the minutia. God is creation; God is Big Bang; God is evolution. God is the completeness of the universe. I do not believe God is Christian nor Jewish nor Islamic nor Buddhist nor of any human religious understanding. God is too big for our limiting definitions and understandings. Per Genesis and Big Bang/Cosmic Inflation Theory, the entirety of the universe had a beginning point of singular existence. There was nothingness, then there was everything. I call that everything God. The Theory of Conservation of Energy is that the energy that sparked the genesis of the universe is never increased nor diminished — particles of energy change form and structure, but the entirety of our universe today was all contained in that spark of existence of Genesis’ “Let there be light” and the moment of Big Bang. All in one singular point.
That means that every one of trillion upon trillion upon trillion of fundamental particles (electron, bosons, etc) that make up the trillions upon trillion of atoms in your body were all created in the instant of Genesis and Big Bang. While you are not God, every minutia of your being is 100% made of God. You, ANL, and me, and everyone of yesteryear and tomorrow, are made of God, ambassadors if you will. None of us superior to the other, each of us a collection of particles created long ago. God burst into being, simply, to be. Be, ANL, simply be.
I am guessing part of your struggle is selected scripture of the Bible. If so, let me ask you read the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20) and then the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). Note what God lists as sins; note what Jesus lists as sins. Nowhere will you see any condemnation for a man to love a man or a woman to love a woman. Many so-called “believers of the Bible” skim right over adultery, divorce, lying under oath, and invoking God as self-righteousness. They fakers point out minor anti-gay passages, the one mixed in with not eating pork and shellfish, not mixing cloth fibers, to pretend their own sins are unimportant. They claim being gay is the worst sin of all!, Worse than murder and rape! But murder and rape, those are listed in the Commandments. They yell hysterically to avoid being looked at themselves. They are fakers; they do not follow the Golden Rule.
And if it is family rejection you fear, well, family is the family of your making. My family was embracing; my dad was exceptionable. My boyfriend, now husband (29 years)’s family rejected him. It was a journey for us between our two families, and much has changed. What really matters, though, is family by blood is just bodies and fluids; family by heart, is love. Make your family of those of heart. If that includes by blood, all the better. That is the lesson of the Robertsons, and the purpose of this blog.
Good luck, I am pulling for you — loving another is the joy of my life. It happens to be another guy and its been a journey of love.
A.N.L I truly believe the only “unforgivable” sin is not believing in God. Our prayers are always heard. Sometimes we get the answer, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes it’s a whisper and sometimes it’s a shout. You are loved. You will always be a child of God. I said a prayer and I will keep praying for you. Don’t give up, you’re not alone!
I appreciate and love you guys so much. Thank you for your tenderness and vulnerability. It’s such a hard thing, and I rarely know how to handle this struggle, but your story makes me want to keep trying. Ryan would be so proud of you. Huge hug. Thanks for being a safe harbor for people like me.
Hurting for you can’t stop the tears…addiction took him from a loving family… not his sexuality
Such courage. Thank you for sharing.
Linda, I wanted to thank you for this beautiful post. It honestly changed my life and came to me at a critical time. I can’t express in words how it impacted me. Thank you and thanks to your wonderful son for helping those that follow. I will always remember this story and Ryan. When I see him again someday, I will hug him and thank him.
Bless you, Catherine…I needed to hear this today! If you’d ever like to join our FaceBook group of Christian moms with LGBT kids, please find and friend me on FaceBook…I am Linda Mueller Robertson there. Again, thank you. God knew I needed this encouragement today.
GOOD JOB PICKING AN INVISIBLE FUCKING DEITY OVER YOUR OWN GODDAMNED CHILD, YOU BIBLE-THUMPING HYPROCRITE PIECES OF SHIT. ALL THE STUPID FUCKING SPEECHES AND VIDEOS WILL NEVER BRING BACK THE CHILD YOU HAD TO “LEARN” TO LOVE, I HOPE YOU NEVER FORGET THAT YOU’RE PIECES OF SHIT THAT DROVE THEIR CHILD TO DRUG ABUSE WITH YOUR UNFORGIVEABLE HOMOPHOBIC BULLSHIT. YOU FUCKING KILLED HIM, THERE IS NO GOD, AND REAL PARENTS DON’T HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN BECAUSE OF SOMETHING AS FUCKING INANE AS A SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAT’S ENTIRELY OUT OF THEIR FUCKING CONTROL TO BEGIN WITH, YOU HICK PIECES OF FUCKING BIBLE BELT BULLSHIT ASSHOLE FUCKS. I TAKE SOLACE IN KNOWING YOU’RE EXPERIENCING THE REAL HELL THAT IS THE REALITY OF LIVING WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU FUCKING FAILED AS PARENTS.
If you wrote that comment with the intent to hurt me, I can assure you that you succeeded. Though I don’t agree that there is no God, I do agree that we have a great deal of responsibility in Ryan’s death. That is the whole point of sharing…to encourage other parents not to make the same mistakes.
I am sorry that reading our story made you so very angry…I hope that life brings you joy and blessings.
I just read the hateful letter you recieved. It was totally uncalled for. I know your mistakes hurt and still do but you have taken tragedy and tried to improve the world. I admire you and know you are truly a good person.
Please don’t let attacks like this hurt you.
I know God holds you very dear.
Thank you for all you do,
Edward
Bless you, Edward…bless you. I am trying…I need God’s help with this one, on this day.
I just read your story and I applaud you for how far you have come in your journey. Sadly attention seeking trolls are everywhere these days and I was sad to read this typical troll post directed towards you. Yes they meant to inflict pain, but it’s more about the enjoyment they get than the truth. Please remember their illness has nothing to do with you and don’t let them diminish your light in this world.
I just read your letter on Facebook, and then read your blog. I myself am a 26 year old gay male. My mother wasn’t to keen when my sister forced me to come out. I turned to drugs and alcohol because… I was miserable, because my mother told me I broke her heart because she will never see me get married or have a grandbaby, and she broke my heart when she told me she wouldn’t see me in heaven. And then at the time, everytime she sent me something religious trying to tell me what was wrong with me, I just remember what my dad said (they are divorced btw) that he loves me no matter what and that he may not understand it but he supports everything I do. And so I began a self destructive path, knowingly, because I knew, yeah I am hurting myself, but I am destroying the woman who is tearing my heart out and making me feel like I am less. And like I destroyed what she envisioned as her future. I smoked weed, drank myself in to blackouts, done cocaine, and meth. And each time, my mother was there to bail me out until I realized, like my dad, she does not understand either. LIke most people, my mother was afraid of what she did not understand. And I had to stop punishing her. I then started to love me. And tell myself everyday that I love myself. And I do, most days, love myself. I was reading your story with tears. And have a good idea of how hurt and worried and scared and afraid and heart broken you must have been when he was missing and on the streets. I want you to know, that despite the rude and hateful messages you are receiving from people telling you what a monster you are, and despite the right side condemning you for believing that He loves EVERYONE unconditionally, your sons death, which I am so sorry for, is not your fault. You loved your son, just as my mother loved me. And a mother’s love is unconditional. I feel it everytime I hear worry in my mothers voice. Some people forget that love is the strongest emotion of all. And others do not realize that love for a child and love for God are damn near equal. So I can understand, as I had to with my own mother, your reactions when you were fearful your son may not be accepted into His Kingdom. You know what you were taught and believe in it with all your heart. And the fact is, when you know in your heart that Heaven is the best, and you think for a split second one of your own children can not experience the best, your maternal instincts kick in, as did my mothers. You say things, you pray about things, and your imagination runs wild. And now reading this, I want you to know, and writing to you about this, I am coming full circle, and when I stop I am calling my own mother, to let her know that the last little part of me that resents her and that holds anger and refuses to forgive does, because if I were Ryan, and that happened to me, I would want my mother to know, that it is not her fault. Its not her fault. And I truly believe it is not your fault either. Or your husbands. And with that I will end this passage. Good day,Linda.
DML, I cried as I read your story…and thank God that you now see yourself as the beloved, valuable man that He created. I am again astounded by the grace you have shown me, and such wisdom and understanding from someone so young. I wish I knew you, DML…your parents are blessed to have you as a son.
Linda and Rob–just BREATHE, and please ignore this type of behavior. Ryan would despise knowing you give this one ounce of credibility or time. Keep putting one step in front of the other, and changing this world for the better—Ryan would want you to keep looking forward and into the future. I am praying for you right this minute, and I am also going to pray for the person who sent this awful response. They are obviously in so much pain, and for that, I know you would be as sorry as I am becaue I know yor heart as Ryan did—I love you L and R ❤
Carol, you are right – exactly – about how Ryan would feel. Thank you so much for your prayers…We both feel so loved and encouraged. ❤
Rather than ignoring comments like these, try to understand the real pain and anger many of us feel. LOTS of us have lived through situations like what Ryan experienced. As a side-note, comments like the one above encapsulate the dislike and hate that many of us get on a regular basis.
That said – I’m glad you are sharing your story, I know how difficult it is to put yourselves out there like this.
Al, I agree…rather than ignoring, we need to LISTEN. There is a reason for all the anger.
Thank you for listening to our story, and for your encouragement.
{{{{Linda and family}}}} What was ‘written’ by the ONE person is nothing but a “reaction” and not a “response.” Those whom have been hurt do tend to lash out the hardest. While the persons ‘response’ might have still been painful to read, it would not have been near as harsh. Keep staying your course and comments like those will hurt less and less. You are making the good out of the bad and ugly. Next time you get a comment that leaves you judging yourself, take a step back. Not everything deserves an immediate response. Just “kill ’em with kindness.”
Ahhh…The difference between a reaction and a response…that gives me something to chew on. I know that these comments cut especially deep because I fear that there is truth in them….well, there is some truth in them. And that is where it gets tricky. Thank you for reminding me that the reaction comes from pain, and that we WILL get stronger in responding to them. I am going to hang on to that…thank you for believing that for us and with us!
Perfectly stated!!! That person was obviously very hurt and is in a lot of pain. Hopefully, with time his pain will lessen also.
Indeed such a reaction isn’t constructive, but it isn’t really wildly off base either. It would be exactly the right message had they not “gotten it” already during Ryan’s absence. Its exactly the message I FEEL like delivering to the people out there that still don’t get it on this issue. The reaction is strong because your story made this person care, made them feel, and made them angry, which I think is a reasonable reaction to such an unnecessary tragedy. As someone that knew homosexuals that were good role models growing up, the disconnect between my understanding and that of those who believe God hates gay sex is unfathomable. I find it completely alien, and incomprehensible. So while I’m not impressed that this person chose to pile on and spew anger and hate at the bereaved already doing their penance, on some level this too is what I feel about this whole situation.
Hurting people hurt people….
Linda, you are too sweet. What he said was so wrong. SO WRONG. There is no reason someone needs to be so rude and obscene like that. Only God can judge you and there IS a God. The most amazing God ❤ and I believe that he understands everything you all have gone through and I do not think he blames you one bit. I am so sorry for your loss and God bless you. Please don't let what that person said to you, hurt you. They are only words and whoever that is, doesn't sound very smart 😉
Linda, please don’t take any notice of this vile and disgusting email. This person hates himself so much that he has to try and make others hate themselves.
Yes you did the wrong thing – but who hasn’t? Your son loved you and had your love in return – and he knew that. This is not all on you – the world is to blame as well. You now honour your son’s memory by helping other gay people – I as a gay man thank you profoundly from the bottom of my heart. I don’t say your son would be proud of you – I say he IS proud of you now and for always!
Death is nothing at all
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my own familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
Canon Henry Scott-Holland, Canon of St Paul’s Cathedral (1847 – 1918)
All my best,
Love, Glen
Wow…what a great gift, Glen…thank you so very much.
“YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!!!” You still just don’t get it!!! Pull your head out lady.
Really, Max? Help me understand. I probably don’t…but I won’t learn unless you tell me, and we both listen.
Hi, Linda. I came across your story on Huffington Post. What a complex and tragic tale.
I’m usually pretty good with words, and I find myself struggling to formulate my post in any real coherent way. Please excuse me if it comes across as rambling or disorganized.
First, I can relate to your story in a number of ways that I won’t get into here. It really hit home for me. I’m a Christian male, and I hold onto my faith as the very real force in my life that it is. That being said, I have a lot of friends, acquaintances, family members, etc. that are gay. I was a part of my high school’s first Gay/Straight Alliance group. I do believe that there are people who are born gay. I also believe that homosexuality is a sin, but so is lying, greed, hate, etc.; all things that I commit on a daily basis. It’s a complicated dichotomy, my viewpoints that stem from faith, and my desire for social equality and fairness which stems from that same faith. But, I digress; In trying to give context, I’m going more into my back-story rather than addressing yours.
In reading your account, I found myself saying “…hm” a lot. It’s tragic. It’s heart-wrenching, and it is a story that I’ve heard some variation of throughout my professional and personal experiences. There is no doubt that you suffered a very real loss, and I can see why you might adopt the viewpoint that you are “responsible”. This is the point where it gets complicated for me. Your son was confused, reeling, and desperate for help. He didn’t feel like he got that help from you. He felt shunned. These are very real emotions, and they seem justified by your account. A mistake was made on your end, and there were consequences. One of the consequences that is DIRECTLY related to your particular mistake is the loss of 1.5 years with your son. Where I find myself bristling is at the idea that YOU were responsible for your son’s fate.
Linda, please forgive me if I’m overstepping any boundaries, or if this is in any way out of line…but I don’t think the responsibility comes to rest on your shoulders. What about the “friends” who were irresponsible to call up your son after the healing process had began, and tempted him? What about the dealer who sold his “friends” the drugs? What about the store-clerk or random stranger that may have hurt your son in some way that day, making him particularly susceptible to the cravings that day? You know that saying about a butterfly flapping it’s wings in China, and causing a hurricane in Hawaii? I think that applies here. Your son was ten months sober, and your relationship was on the mend. To take blame for something that was being pushed into a box marked “The Past”, and throw it over what is inarguable a tragic, unfortunate, and terrible development serves no purpose, and is unjustified.
I obviously don’t know you or your son, but just from reading the text exchange, and your own accounting of him, I don’t think he’d want you or anyone else to take the blame for his tragic, and untimely fate. He seemed to be wise, and compassionate. By all accounts, he seemed to have a gentle soul, and I don’t think that someone like him would want the ones whose opinion he cared so deeply about to feel the type of pain you seem to be feeling now.
I think it’s awesome that you’ve taken this as a learning experience. I just hope that at some point you allow yourself to experience the peace that comes from giving these things up to GOD, as you said you do in your post. In the meantime, please don’t put too much stock in the opinions of those who are obviously set on doing nothing but causing you pain. Discussing our mistakes, examining them, and learning from them can be a valuable exercise, both for ourselves, and for the people we share our lives with. Don’t let some idiot with internet access taint that process.
Thank you, Aaron….wish we could sit down for coffee and talk more. I am thankful for the people in my life who are willing to do exactly what you described….discussing, examining and learning…and always listening.
I do not believe in engaging in online arguements or to fan fuel to the flames of individuals who lack respect, compassion and forgiveness.
Instead- I write directly to you Linda to send you encouragement and love. I have posted on your blog before, and as a gay son of a Christian family who has disowned him, and speaking on behalf of many like me- keeping doing what you are doing. The tragedies and mistakes in our lives do not break us…they make us. And you have used your experience to do God’s work…to extend your love…your compassion…your faith…to serve as a role model for so many. We can only pray for more hearts like you and your family’s in this life. Huge virtual hugs. I know your son would be proud.
Alex…Can’t thank you enough. Rob and I live with such remorse and sorrow for our mistakes, that reading these kinds of comments can just lay me out, especially at the end of a tough day. Thank you for understanding our hearts, and believing the best in us. HUGE hugs to you tonight, Alex…your parents sure are missing out on an amazing man. XOXOXOXOXOX
Her son wouldn’t be proud, because her son is dead. I know that other dude’s words are harsh, but they really needed to be said. Religion is the cause of so much hate and evil and sadness in this world. It’s divisive and exclusive. It teaches that there is a “normal” and that there is an “other.” Homosexuality is not unnatural. A mother who needs to “learn” to love her child is completely unnatural. Love is the word of god. And real unconditional love wouldn’t result in this kind of tragedy.
Ouch. I’ve heard a lot of things, but you calling me completely unnatural is a first. That hurts, but I know that if Ryan were alive, he’d be the first to argue with you. I am my harshest critic, but nobody can change the fact that Ryan told me EVERY SINGLE DAY of the last year of his life that he wanted me to know how much he loved me, and how thankful he was that I was his mom. And really, I only answer to my husband, my four kids, and, for me, my God.
Jim, may I ask, are you a parent? If so, were you a perfect parent right from the time your child entered the world, or have you learned along the way? Perhaps parenting has come much more easily to you than it did for us, the parents of four amazing kids…if so, I am truly glad for you. That just wasn’t my experience. I’ve learned a lot over the past 28 years of parenting.
I agree that religion is often divisive and exclusive, but Jesus was never either of those things. And His harshest words were for the religious people of His time, those who did teach a we-them perspective on life.
Thanks for chiming in here, even if your words were hurtful. I know that there are many people out there who agree with you…they all commented on the original Huff Post article. 😉
Right, Linda, Jesus wasn’t exclusive and any church claiming to follow him shouldn’t be.
We are seeing more and more people and churches moving to be more inclusive.
This is dogma that has been taught a long long time and is going to take time to rid religion of it.
What ever you said or did, you certainly correct it. And your son knew he was loved by his parents.
Criticism of you is counter productive and rude.
This site is here to help people today or so I thought. No one is helped by uglyness or being rude.
As I said before I respect and admire you. And I know I am not alone.
Ugly words here will only drive away people who need help.
God bless you and your husband.
Wow, Edward…you are wise. Yes, it is going to take time…but I am determined to focus on the change I see happening in our world, and to let that give me hope for even greater future change. And thank you so much for reminding me that these two critical voices do not speak for everyone. I needed to hear that. Much love to you, friend!
Hi Linda. I haven’t written in a while, even though I do follow your post ( and, the responses) regularly. Please let me be the first to say you and your husband did everything you possibly could for your son. While I’m not religious myself, it pained me deeply when I read the horrible, hate filled rant posted earlier. Please don’t let it get to you…even though I know it had to hurt. He is obviously in a lot of pain himself to have spewed out such hateful nonsense. Please know that for every jerk like him, there are hundreds more who love and support what you are doing. Sending hugs, love and all the positive energy I have your way.
Butch, I just read your message out loud to Rob, and we both cried…but this time with gratitude. This “blog” is actually our very, very personal story, and we don’t ever, not for a minute, forget that this journey has been ours, and that it has been full of pain for not only Ryan, but for our other kids as well. And much of that pain was caused because of our misguided and harmful response to Ryan’s sexuality. Thank you so much for reminding me to give myself grace, and to be kind to myself…I know I really did think I was doing what was best for Ryan, and I think most parents who respond as we did are well-meaning, as we were. And those are the parents we are trying to reach….parents who don’t realize that what their churches, pastors and leaders are telling them to do is, many many times (in the case of conservative evangelical churches, at least) incredibly harmful to their child. Bless you for your powerfully encouraging words, Butch!
Dearest Linda – this is just a thought. I know you truly want to be as fair as possible and allow all people to express their thoughts. However, PLEASE consider not allowing a post such as the one to which I reply (I cannot even type the screen name of the person who posted, as it itself is an obscenity). Many years ago, I oversaw a church publication wherein I was the person selecting the photos and copy. This was when my little boy was 2, 3, an 4 years old. In trying SO HARD to be fair – and not be bias – I had very few pictures of my son on the publication each month. I know this may seem like a dumb comparison – but it really is in the same ball park. You want so much NOT to be considered bias – and I do understand that. But truly – you are not obligated to allow a post such as this – filled with hate, vileness, and obscenities to go live on the site. I pray you will consider this. BTW – your Ryan was blessed beyond measure to have you and Rob as parents. There are many many many gay kids, now adults, who never ever are accepted and loved by their parents.
Thanks so much for your thoughts…I will give this consideration and prayer! Much love to you!
While the obsenity was uncalled for, I agree. But publish the negative letters does help strengthen. It very easy to forget there are people like that writer out there and some worse.
We need to see them to remind ourself to be ready for attacks. Others always like to attack and judge. Part of being a Christian is facing the slings and arrows. The author is certainly some one who we should all pray for.
Linda, I know you are too strong in your faith to allow any one to hurt you as he tried to do.
Your son knew he was loved by his parents and that is what counts.
Edward
Thank you, Edward, for your kind encouragement!
I agree with our sentiments, but also, I love the music of your language you use to express yourself. The expletives you employ are fantastic and add true meaning through emotion to the depth of hatred of these homophobic parents. Their actions brought new meaning and to meanness. But you summarized this truth so beautifully with your musical language.
Wow…. you certainly sound like a real stand up kind of person…. AND I bet you have never made any mistakes…… of course that is until you left this kind of message, right. Bet it was the first time though huh? Anger management much??? Maybe instead of pointing your obvious anger issues at someone who has lost their son…. who by the way from everything I have read had ALWAYS loved him… you should look in the mirror and address whatever is lingering in your closet.
I am not sure why this hate and anger is coming out of you , but know that this mom did her best. When we know better we do better. Hatred brings hatred. I hope you find peace
Yeah, she effectively conspired with her husband and church to kill her own son, and is trying to pretend its all God’s will ? WTF. Her God is an evil cunning bastard, that’s for sure, and then to pretend to wrap it all up in words like “God’s love” would be like watching him twist the knife. Its fascinating watching weirdos like this get off by pretending that their sky-fairy has forgiven them for the utter evil they committed against someone else.
Any sane society would have them all on manslaughter charges at the very least.
I feel sad for this poster- they know only hate and wish to push that hate unto others. They must live a most miserable life with no who cares about them. Sad. I suggest the poster learn to get over their hate and learn to love like Linda has done. It was a tough road but these folks have endured , learned and grown in ways you cannot even imagine. All the hate seething thru your veins must be one heck of a burden for you.
Linda- feels sorry for this person. They are a lost soul who does not know love. Sadly it seems they do not even love themselves.
Looks like someone needs a nap:)
Bless you Linda, after all , you made the best kind of mistake: one that you learned from.
I am still young and questioning who I am. But I know my parents will accept me for whoever that turns out to be. I am sad that your son didnt have that. But I am reassured, as I hope you are, by the fact that he has it now
Dearest Linda and Rob, although I haven’t posted for months, please know how much I love and support you. Alex said it well, “The tragedies and mistakes in our lives do not break us…they make us.” Someone who uses nothing but caps in a response, uses a fake name, and this amount of profanity clearly has nothing useful or constructive to contribute in real logic. We can only pray for him, because he certainly has been hurt by someone. I pray daily that nothing I do or say will push someone away from our Lord’s loving light and warmth. Hateful confrontation affirms and justifies that hatred. It’s so hard to love when others spew vitriol, but Christ showed us how, and you do it well. Love and blessings, Bill.
And much love to you, Bill…you are a blessing! Hope to see you in January!
He was probably hurt by someone who called him or herself a Christian.
Linda,
You are the answer to many nights of tearful prayers. I thank God for your beautiful heart and I hope you will please pray for me. I am a Christian, I was on staff for an evangelical ministry working with teens and I have been in/led a bible study for the last 15 or so years. For the past 8 yrs I have been on a journey with God trying to come to figure out Homosexuality. My brother-in-law is gay, some of the kids I worked with were gay and I loved them very much but thought this was sin. I too, have a son who is 10 and I am pretty sure that he is gay and had been praying for years that God would help me see what He had for me, believing that He would show me through scripture. Thank you, for your beautiful words. They have given my heart a peace I have struggled to find for years. I ordered the two books that you recomended. This year we have been studying Romans and we got to Chap .1 and as it was read my heart just knew I could no longer view this scripture the same way. I prayed and my bible study leader prayed that I would find a Christian woman who had been through what I am going through and that day I found you. I can’t begin to explain the rejection I have felt from my evangelical friends when I have shared with them, I have been in places of depair, imagining what my son might experience from the church. We have left the churches that were once home, I have lost fellowship with dear friends and when I even suggested to my biblestudy that there are bible believing Christians who love and accept gay people I was quieted. My dearest friends tell me about not denying God’s word. Thank you for understanding a mother’s heart. I love my son so much, I love God more and I know God has a plan for my son and that this road is too hard for him to walk alone and so God gave him parents to stand in the gap to pray to be his advocates. God is using you in powerful ways. Thank you for being so brave and strong. Thank you for being Christ-like and forgiving and gracious in all your posts. Thanks to Ryan for showing me how to love my son.
Thank you, God bless you.
Oh my goodness…I am sitting in a Starbucks catching up on email while my husband is at his annual eye exam, and I just found your comment, and now I am crying and thanking God for such a clear and powerful reminder of why He keeps encouraging us to tell our story, even though we seem to collect enemies from both sides for doing so. I am not brave or strong, but it is messages like yours that keep me going.
If you would like to connect with other Christian moms who have gone through, and are going through, exactly what you describe, please find me on FaceBook! I am Linda Mueller Robertson there, and we have the BEST group of moms…they are truly amazing and the power of their prayers have carried me through many a difficult day. I would love to introduce them to you!
If I may suggest you look online for a video titled A Fish Out of Water and then look up Michael Vines. I think you will be impressed by both of these. They will give you another more Christian point of view on gays. I don’t mean yours isn’t but they will strengthen you believes.
I am Christian and viewing both help me to be able to discuss this issue with others and hopefully change some incorrect views.
These will help you to inderstand what the Bible really says.
God bless,
Edward
I agree, Edwards…Fish Out of Water and The Bible Tells Me So are both great…and Matthew Vines YouTube video and his book are fantastic! Good suggestions! Thank you!!
HUGE hugs to you, Mom. If, indeed, your son is gay, you will be such a blessing to him when he comes out. I would also encourage you to visit Freedhearts.org. This will also provide confirmation that your new understandings of the bible are not far fetched! God Bless you!
This book has come highly recommended to us: Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality, by Wesley Hill. I think this young man has gay leanings, and wants to remain faithful to Scripture and to the Lord.
If this is not helpful, please feel free to delete it.
Washed and Waiting is a great book for those who feel called by God to celibacy, but I would caution straight Christians against using it as some kind of “evidence” that since Wesley Hill has remained celibate, all gay Christians can, and must, do the same. I have seen that far too often.
When I read Washed and Waiting, I was overwhelmed by the difficulty and pain that Wesley Hill so vulnerably describes, and the commitment of his community to walking with him. I felt overwhelmed by the conviction that only GOD can call and require someone to walk the path of celibacy. As a straight Christian who enjoys a thriving intimate relationship with my husband, I don’t feel like I have the right to tell someone else that they can never have what I have. I’ll leave that up to God, if He so desires. He is more than able.
Thanks for chiming in here!!
My heart broke by reading your family’s story. Thank you for the reminder of how challenging it is to love unconditionally. Waking up to a story about grace opened up my eyes and heart. Addiction is a disease, and painful for family and friends too. Your story gave the world a little more patience and understanding. Sending positive thoughts. M
M…I can’t thank you enough for your comment…and for recognizing that Ryan’s addiction WAS a disease…one far more powerful than any of us. My prayer is that fewer LGBTQ kids will have to turn to drugs out of the pain of rejection from their families, “betrayal” by God, and due to parents like us, who so completely DID NOT GET IT. Thanking God for you tonight, M.
God bless you, LInda. God loves you, you son and all of us regardless of our sexual orientations.
Words cannot express how blessed I feel that you have shared such a testimony. I have yet to walk this walk or relate to this specific struggle, but to witness such grace through fear and heartache has truly touched my soul. Your family will be in my prayers. Thank you so very much for giving us this gift.
Melissa, thank YOU for giving me the gift of your humble, willing listening ears…WOW. Much love to you!
Thank you so much for sharing. I offer my sincere condolences, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to retell this story.
When I first came across this article a year ago I was going through a rough time with my family. At 20 years old I was away at college, deep in depression, and feeling overwhelmed with shame because of my sexuality (I’m the gay son, in this case). My parents continued to pray for me but my sexuality had nearly destroyed my relationship with them and with God; at that point I didn’t care anymore, I had all but given up. I read your story and instantly broke down in tears. I finally understood what was happening, it all made perfect sense. I immediately sent the article to my parents and they had a similar, tearful revelation. Simply put, hearing about your experience changed our lives.
At 16 years old I was scared and confused, I had so many questions. How will I ever get married and have kids? Is God testing me? What are people going to think about my family now that they have a gay son? What I didn’t realize was that my parents were experiencing the same reaction I was. They were scared, they reacted out of fear in the best way they knew how; the way their parents and church had taught them. I was so bitter toward them for not understanding, they were bitter toward me for not being straight, and we were all bitter toward God for not giving us the answer to our prayers in the way that we had hoped. Turns out, the answer to our prayers was you. You showed my parents true, unconditional love and you showed me that my parents’ intentions through their actions were actually kind and pure. They were able to see what it means to love their gay son unconditionally and I was able to see that their initial reactions were intended for my best interests… but based incorrectly in fear. Our family has never been happier… I have never felt happier… Thank you.
I hate to ramble on about my life story here in the comments section but my heart aches for you, your son, and your family. It is incomprehensible to me the amount of pain you all have had to endure to get to this point, to share his story with the world. But just know that it was not in vain… know that you have touched my life profoundly and many others like me I’m sure. I hope you continue to tell your story for the sake of the other struggling teens and parents out there, we are all incredibly grateful.
Stay strong Linda. You’re doing the right thing
C – I can’t even BEGIN to tell you what this means to us. This is what I needed tonight…God knew. I love you. I hope we can connect, and that I can connect with your parents. I will email you. Much love to you…MUCH LOVE.
Thank you for this. I am in college and have a girlfriend. I told my parents recently and it didn’t go well at all. We have always been a church going family. I have done many inner city and third world missions and my faith is the most important thing to me. However lately I have found myself smoking more and more marijuana and drinking, and turning away from God due to the prejudice and disgust I received from my family. This article was a true blessing today, as my mom and I were on the phone earlier today and I could hear the disappointment in her voice when she asked if someone was my reason for wanting to move to a different state. I’ve been distraught and upset all day, trying to figure out how to tell my parents about my new girlfriend when they come next weekend for family weekend. I think I will print this article out to share with them.
At first I was upset with them for not understanding. But after reading comments, I get now that the 3 years I took to accept myself is now what they’re going through. I truly hope that as Christains, they choose to love and respect me, even if they disagree with my lifestyle. And I as a Christain hope to continue spreading God’s love and helping enough lives that God will love me and forgive me for my sins when my judgment day comes.
Thank you for this. It was a true blessing tonight.
Anonymous…oh, sweetie..I wish I could hug you! You do NOT have to do
ANYTHING to ensure that God will love you and forgive you…He is your Father, and will not stop loving you no matter what you do. He can’t. No more than I can stop loving my children. Since your faith is so important to you, I think you’d really be encouraged by Justin Lee’s book, Torn…if you’ll respond back with your email, I will mail you a copy (I won’t post the comment with your email, I promise). I think you’d LOVE his book.
I am so glad that you found our story helpful…and yes, it often takes Christian parents a while to figure out how to reconcile their own faith with fully loving their LGBTQ children, since the church teaches that we can’t do that. But we CAN. When and if your mom is ready, send her my way…we have an incredible private FaceBook group of moms who are helping each other to do just that…and it is POWERFUl. I am Linda Mueller Robertson on FaceBook…she can find me there.
Much love to you and your girlfriend…please do contact me if I can send you the book, or encourage you in any other way.
Thank you for your reply, it meant a lot. I will definitely send my mom your way when she is ready.
I need some advice, please.
My wonderful 171/2 year old nephew told me last night he is dating a boy. Lot of things I expected or worried about but not that.
Must explain he is legally my step nephew but legally only. He calls me uncle and I refer to him as my nephew.
His father and step mother are divorced. But his father has always encouraged him to be around me.
After talking with him, he seems to be unsure of what he is. Says he is still attracted to girls but this young man seems to be pretty special to him. They have only known each other a short time.
After a talk about safety and consideration for both, I suggested he wait on telling anyone else. I think family will be accepting but one never knows. Plus I felt would be better to wait and make sure this isn’t a phase or just curiousity.
I did assure him my feelings had not changed. All I ask of him is he be a good person, a Christian and I hope happy.
He seems to have a mature take on the whole thing. He told that it is his life to live and not any one else’s.
So did I give him good advice or should he come out, at least to his family?
Any advice or suggestions are welcome.
I think you gave wise advice…I don’t ever think it hurts to wait a while, while the teenager gains confidence and is more sure of what he has to share, and more security that no matter what the response, he/she will be okay.
What do others think??
Edward,
That young person is at a very vulnerable stage in understanding his sexual identity and you’re asking someone whom, when encountering her OWN SON of twelve years old, twelve, having similar feelings; she consciously and willingly waited a whole NINE INSTANT MESSAGES to stick the dagger of religious intolerance right in his heart. She wanted him to know that there was a barrier between himself and the same exact religious afterlife she had herself led him to. Think about that for one second. That was no accident, it was her intent regardless of how good she has become at contorting her intentions. Please seek competent therapy for the young man and stop seeking the input of a person who is capable of such willful emotional sadism against a her own child.
Regards,
KC
KC, you are right…that was the result of my actions. I thought I was “protecting” him, but clearly, I did the opposite. Which is why I am sharing our story.
Thank you for listening, in spite of the fact that you feel such disdain for our actions.
Linda,
After some reflection, I’ve realized that my comment is rather vile and that I criticized you with a venom that only perpetuates the same closed mindedness that I derided you for. I used the story of your son Ryan to an end I am not proud of. I saw my misguided parents abandon my older brother for being who he was and somehow decided that by being cruel to you, I could “get back” at them. For that, I owe you a sincere apology.
KC
KC, your reply brought both Rob and I to tears. It is so easy for me to forgive you; your humility is something rarely seen in our society. Thank you so much for being willing to think about it…and to be vulnerable enough to expose and share your own pain. No wonder our story triggered that. You have my utmost respect for your commitment to truly nurturing hearts and souls that are open to change and open to hearing from others. Thank you for making this really difficult job of moderating these comments well worth my time tonight…people like you give me such hope.
This video and article from The Huffington Post is definitely worth seeing! See links below.
Truth, Wisdom, Love and Sincerity, to ALL mankind.
Rob Scott
Chicago, IL
Chad Michael – “Dear American Youth Pastor”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBW4R8vjA1Q – VIEW THE VIDEO
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-susan-russell/why-coming-out-on-coming_b_5963056.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices
I am a heterosexual. I can’t help it, I was born that way. I found myself being attracted to girls around the age of 12. I was also a Christian, and taught that sex before marriage was a sin, and that even after marriage, sex with any woman besides my wife would be sin. I must admit, I did not like that restriction. First, I found many different women attractive for many different reasons, and I wanted to see their naked bodies, and put my hands on them, and feel them, and enjoy intercourse with them. However, my religious upbringing denied that pleasure to me. And even worse, after I got married, my wife wasn’t too keen on the idea either. That really made me angry. I felt like I should have the right to have sex with any woman I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, as long as she was willing to receive me as a sexual partner. I could not understand how having great sex with a beautiful woman and not abandoning my wife and children could possibly be wrong, especially if I was careful not to bring back any sexually transmitted diseases to my family or create children that I could not support. Eventually I came to a point in my life where I had to make a decision, whether I would follow the Word of God, regardless of my sexual desires and feelings, or follow the desires of my flesh and abandon the truth of Scripture.
This is completely insensitive and irrelevant to the situation of a gay Christian. Since your screen name is Chainrattler, I assume that is what you intended to do. But my chain is not rattled…though I may be a bit offended.
No gay Christian I know wants to have sex with everyone they find attractive. To imply that is insulting and ignorant. The gay Christians we know are seeking purity in their lives before marriage and after marriage, just like my husband and I have done.
Again, what you have implied in this comment is egregiously misinformed and inaccurate, and is the exact kind of thing that causes LGBT people to flee the church…it is NOT loving, and THAT is what we are supposed to be known by, right?? Our love, not our sarcasm or judgments…right??
P.S. There are MANY theologians who LOVE the Bible who do not believe ANY of the few verses that reference “homosexuality” (that word was actually never used) actually condemn monogamous, same-sex marriage. If you’d like to read one of them, I’d love to send you a copy of one of the most respected theologians on this topic.
I am interested in reading about what theologians have to say on this topic! Please reply. 🙂
Chainrattler, you do realize that its people like you that need to read this blog, right? Its because of people like you that me, a STRAIGHT WOMAN, won’t even bother with Christianity and any other organized religion. I actually disagree with doctrine and dogma because of people like you who judge and make the Church feel more like what you fear everyday which basically is hell. Just sayin’…
THANK YOU, Amielzbth, for clearly stating what is all too true.
Ohhhhhhh Chainrattler–you have such a way with words. Your wife is one LUCKY woman!!! “My religious upbringing denied that pleasure to me.” I’m so glad you are heterosexual and won’t be any where near our amazing LGBT+ children. I still have the creepy chills from your words. Perhaps you meant to post this on a different website because what you are saying has absolutely NOTHING to do with the LGBT people that I know– Maybe you meant to go on a Sexual Addicts website????
That is what I really want to say to you, but Linda and Rob are so full of grace that this would make their hearts sad, so I will try my best to refrain and just say, PLEASE spare us from any further details—I do want to compliment you on being able to rattle chains though. Chainrattlers and snake handlers are in high demand October 31st. 🙂
For people who come on this website, seeking help in knowing that God loves them unconditionally, what Good News have you offered them? You tore them down and gave them no hope at all—Is that what you would see Jesus Christ doing? One MUST look at the entire Redemption Story when reading the Bible. It is full of truths, but you can not take Scripture out of context Mr Chains. Jesus died on the cross for ALL of us and all one has to do is accept this wonderful gift—God is the judge of us all—not you, nor I. God looks at the heart of a person. We are not qualified to do that. If you would use the energy you have to go around loving peole instead of trying to “rattle chains” you could really change this world for the better. Good luck to you
THANK YOU MR. AND MRS. ROBERTSON ! I SIMPLY THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR SON ! MUCH LOVE AND PRAYERS…
I want to commend both of you for being so brave as to post this blog page. There are not a lot of parents who would admit to their own mistakes and make sure that others do not make the same mistake. I also know that this blog redeems a lot of them. You really want to help others open their eyes and their hearts. I am not a Christian nor do I believe in any organized religion as doctrine kills. However, I do believe in love and I believe that in your heart of hearts that is what you believe in as well. I shared your blog page because I want others to see what you experienced. I want others to realize that their children are beautiful no matter what. I don’t have children of my own, just two beautiful feline kids, but I do have an amazing niece and nephew. My niece came out as a lesbian about two years ago and I am so proud of her and proud of her mother. We both love her no matter what and she knows it. Her grandparents are finally warming to it realizing that their granddaughter is a beautiful, gifted, and amazing young teenager. My nephew is a strong young man who stands up for his sister. He is a beautiful person who loves her no matter what. We believe in our hearts that if their is a God he/she would not turn anyone way due to their sexual orientation. So I have to say thank you for posting this blog as it is a testament to God’s heart and to yours.
amielzbth, bless you for seeing what we agree on – love – rather than focusing on our differences. You sound like a fabulous person…your cats as well as your niece & nephew are all blessed to have you in their lives. And thank you, most of all, for seeing our hearts (why this blog even exists). You get it, and my day today is better for it…because of you.
“I do believe in love.” that is half the battle. i am an atheist and i know for a fact that religion is not required to be of strong moral conviction. i became an ordained minister just so i could marry my gay friends
Hello Linda, My name is Angelo, and I just finished reading and watching your story. I just recently celebrated the 1 year anniversary of my coming out to the world as a gay man, and your story struck something in me. I like Ryan and many others in our situation, was forced to live a lie for 25 years. Although I never came out to my parents at a young age, they started to notice signs when i was around 13 years old or so. I also come from a very religious christian family and so when it became clear that i was a bit different from other boys, my parents subconsciously began to force me to hide who i was. Through indirect messages and conversations, they made it clear over and over again that homosexuality was not something that would be accepted in our house. I have a very vivid memory of the actual day i realized i would forever have to live a lie. I was about 14 years old and my mom was having an anxiety attack, and after i continuously badgered her to tell me what was happening, she blurted out “if one of my kids were gay, i would kill myself”. That was the day i realized (although i had no idea whether or not i was gay, i simply new i was different from other boys) that i would have to hide all of the other feelings i had. I did so quite well for about 10 years after that, I met a wonderful women and fell in love and we got married. However i wasn’t happy, and as these feelings got stronger i got more and more depressed. I withdrew into myself and became a ver angry and cynical person. I eventually got to the point where i could no longer live the life i was living, and so i attempted suicide 3 times before i finally became strong enough to come out to my wife and my family. This all happened just over a year ago. My mom, whom i never thought would love me, has tried her best to make amends for her mistakes as a parent and has been nothing but supportive to me. My father is still having a very hard time and refuses to acknowledge that i’m gay. I sent my mom an email with a link to your video today and begged her to show it to my father, in the hopes he will see it differently after. I hated my parents for a very long time for what they forced me to do, and i being brought up very strictly catholic also hated and blamed god. Through my journey towards self love and acceptance, i have lost my faith, I no longer make statements such as “there is no god” but i also have no interest in wasting anymore of my life worrying about what he has to say about my decisions. Instead i choose to love and accept all humans regardless of anything. I choose to be the best human being i can possibly be and if there is a god he will judge me based on that, and nothing else.
I often tell my mom, as she is crying and apologizing to me for all of the things she neglected to do while i was growing up, that there is no guide line on how to be a parent. Although I’m not a parent myself, i do realize that there’s no book teaching you how to be a good parent. All you can do is love your children, and this love is unfortunately often times bound by social constructs and religious ideology passed on to us by previous generations. Although i didn’t then and still don’t agree with their way of trying to imprint religion on us as a way to contain the gay in me, i do honestly understand the very vivid idea of hell that my parents believed and still believe in. They loved me and they wanted to save and protect me from that “hell”, though not realizing they were only teaching me to hate myself and be ashamed of who i was, their intention was to protect me at all costs. Their fears almost cost them their son as well. You could very well been my mother and i could very easily have been Ryan. The only difference in my case was luck, and the not very effective methods i chose to try and end my life.
There’s a lot of anger and hate in the LGBTQ community towards the people who have hurt us, which is very understandable. However it gets us no where. What happened to Ryan is very sad, i can truly understand and sympathize with the pain he was going through, having gone through it myself. What happened to your family, is sadly the same thing that happens to many other families world wide. The difference is that you chose to be brave enough to share your story. Yes there are a lot of people who will continue to judge you and try to make you feel ashamed of yourselves, but what makes you and your family good people and separates you from those other parents who have put their children through similar situations, is the fact that you have tried to make amends by bringing awareness to this issue. You have exposed yourselves in the hopes that others will see and hear your story and what happened to Ryan won’t repeat itself with anyone else. You are brave people, and yes you have made mistakes, but who of us hasn’t. You did what you believed to be right for your child and although like i said before i’m not a believer in many things, i do believe your son would be very proud of the parents he had. Ryan would be so proud to see his parents share his story and try to help others to accept and love their children “just because they breathe” and for no other reason. I hope you and your family find some peace of mind in knowing that what you are doing is bringing hope to lots of people such as myself and many of my friends who just watched your video and were instantly moved by your story.
Once again thank you for sharing Ryan’s story and not allowing his struggle and pain to have been in vain, he would have been proud and honored to be your son.
I wish you and your family lots of love and happiness,
ACL
Angelo, your story is sacred, and I am so glad you shared it. I admire your generous grace and mercy, and the way that you have not become bitter toward others, even when you have many reasons to be angry. Praying that your dad’s heart will soften and that he will realize what a beautiful son he has.
I am terribly sorry for your loss, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story so that something positive can come from this tragedy.
Heartbreaking……….I’m so sorry for your pain. Hope, faith, love, and healing to you and yours. And such good that you are doing in the name of your son. Everyone lives in a glass house, and don’t let their stones break you.
I read your letter on Huffington Post which led me here….So moved by your post. Love conquers all. My sincerest wishes for your and your family.
Linda and Rob–I read the article about you both and your son, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss. As a member of the Christian faith with LGBTQ friends and family members, I just want to say this: while there may be people who want you to acutely remember your failings and missteps and mistakes with Ryan, please know that you, alone, are not really the ones to point fingers at here. While I wish that you would have handled things differently, the way you reacted to Ryan’s coming out does not make either of you abhorrent people. This is the reaction that our Church has taught us is the best path. With all the best intentions, they have taught their parishioners “love the person, hate the sin.” People are a sum total of their feelings, thoughts, actions, and experiences. You cannot separate the person from that equation. You know that now. We have to love people for who they are, warts and all. The church needs to change the message they are preaching; they are only pushing people further away from Christ.
Please know, I cannot condemn you for what happened. If I knew you outside of this online forum, every time you said to me that you were idiotic or stupid or wretched for what happened, I would remind you that, like Ryan, you cannot define yourself by what happened. You will end up in the same place he was—hating yourselves. That’s not what he would want.
Take this opportunity, now, to teach your brethren in the church that we need to do better. Remind them that we need to welcome all people; that it is It is not our job to change them; it is not our job to govern their lives. Show them that It is our job to love people and show them the example of a loving Christian who will listen and accept them. Teach them that homosexuality, like any other sin, is not some soul-condemning monstrosity. We can be forgiven for any sin. Send them to Matthew 7: 1-5; tell them to take note of their own plank.
You are not monsters. You are not detestable. You are people. Worthy of love and forgiveness, from others and yourselves.
Being in the UK I hadn’t heard of this story until today. But I both feel saddened for your loss, and I commend you for being so incredibly brave for putting this obviously heart wrenching confession to what you now realise were horrific mistakes out there, and that you are now working with groups to stop a similar thing happening. I myself went through a very difficult time when I came out to my parents, my father basically didn’t talk to me about it at all for 5 years, it didn’t exist to him, and my mother lashed out, threatening suicide and forcing me to see church psychiatrists and psychologists in a misguided attempt to “cure” me. I very nearly left home to leave them stew in their own juices with their, to me disgusting views. But I stuck with it and little by little we grew to understand each others points of view, and how to help each other out, and today my parents both love and accept my husband of 5 years as part of their family and we are all very close. I will admit when I started reading the initial story I was shocked by your behaviour, but reading your response has made me feel desperately sorry for what you have gone through and that it took the death of an obviously cherished loved one for you to realise the mistakes you had made. May you find solace in the fact that you have probably saved lives with your story and helped keep families together. I know this is probably of little consolation to you, but you have really moved me, and for that I thank you
Bless you. Your son knew that you loved him unconditionally before he died and that is all that matters. We all make mistakes…..you had the opportunity to change your views before it was too late and that is a blessing. So many never get that opportunity. I’m so glad you had 10 beautiful months with your son before God called him home.
I love you for telling this tragic yet brutally honest and open story. He is smiling.
I guess I am confused .Jesus never mentions homosexuality. That was in the Old Testament ,which with Jesus coming was supposed to be replaced. The Jesus I have learned about was all about love. I have a Gay sister and her life has been pretty rough. I don’t understand Christians any longer. It seems that today’s Churches have distorted the word of God. I’m my mind any Church that condems people’s sexual orientation is simply not of God. God made my sister Gay, and since he does not make mistakes, I don’t feel that he would condem her for it! So sorry for your loss! I however blame the churches. When today’s Churches preach love for our fellow man which is what Jesus was all about ,I may consider calling myself a Christian once again. Sadly I’m not holding my breath!
N.K, sadly, I can’t blame you for not understanding or identifying with Christians…the only reason we can is that we are a part of a church community who are truly known for LOVE.
Oh goodness, I am so sorry for your loss! And for Ryan’s loss, because you guys sound like amazing parents. You all were about to build this incredible family relationship built on love and absolute acceptance, and I have no idea how people are hating on you all (I do understand it, but can never support hateful comments towards parents who have lost their son, what’s wrong with people?!). I don’t pray much, but today I do so much pray peace for you guys, and for your memories of Ryan to never fade over time. Please know that some people have read your story and have been SO ENCOURAGED. I left church because I knew I was a bisexual and I knew what the Christian faith believed, even though I had many Christian friends how were fine with me (and not in a “I love you but I hate your sin” type of way, but in the normal loving friendship type of way). I’ve recently gone back, 1 week ago, to a Unitarian Universalist church, because I miss God. I miss that love. I never felt judged by God, only the people around me if they would ever find out who I was and who I loved. It was so nice to read the evolution of your faith and your love for Ryan. Thank you for sharing your story.
Much love to you, Erin…reading YOUR story has encouraged me, as well.
I don’t hate you (given your open letter to the “people that hate us” over on Huffington Post) but it still seems like you’re asking for understanding that nobody can possibly give you. I am not your source of compassion or understanding.
I am your target.
I am your target, just as I am for each and every christian who’s ever told me that god doesn’t “condone” my sexuality (which is, really, just those folks giving themselves an excuse not to “condone” it).
If I told you I was sorry for your loss (and I am), what would that possibly solve? What could that possibly change, here?
Will you do as I have done, and reject the toxic, idiotic, stupid human invention that is religion, much as sane societies now reject the toxic, stupid and idiotic human invention that is racism? Of course you won’t.
Will you challenge any of the christians still targeting me?
It would be nice to think so, but you won’t – we know that you won’t.
Perhaps, in your grief, I can even understand why you won’t.
But the net result will be exactly as it was before I heard about you or your story, or your non-apology to “the people that hate you.”
I will still be your target. You may not like that fact, you may not even think that it’s true, but it IS true. It REMAINS true, and it will only ever remain true until enough of you change your minds, and admit that what you’re doing is wrong. That won’t happen because of your grief.
I grieve, too. I grieve the 20 and 22 year olds who died while I held their hands, when I was no older than them, and nothing – not one thing – prepares a 22 year old to lose his entire family-of-choice inside a year. I grieve because that family of choice was what I had, after the family of birth – good christians all – did versions of what you did, which is unsurprising to any gay person who may read any of this. I grieve, and I am filled with an anger for you and your culture that my grief will never contain. Ever.
I do not hate you.
But that I don’t changes nothing. I am your target. I will only ever BE your target. Because your faith cannot allow anything else. If it could, it would have by now. It’s had 2,000 years to live up to its claimed ideals. It has failed, spectacularly, in that regard. So, no matter how much I may understand your grief (and grief being grief, I understand parts of it), I cannot allow that to be an excuse for what your faith has done to me, and to my culture.
I will not forgive you. I do not hate you, but I do not forgive you, either.
But you have your faith for that forgiveness, already.
Mine, you don’t need. Maybe you want it – maybe that’s why you wrote that post that’s been reposted to HuffPo. Maybe you want forgiveness from somebody other than your god.
I cannot give you that.
I would lose too much of myself, if I did, and I’ve lost enough.
So this, this one part of me that you, and the people like you cannot take away from me: that remains mine. I am angry. I am angry at you for what you’ve done. I am angry at you for expecting me to forgive you.
Perhaps you will find your anger, too. Perhaps you’ll be angry at me for refusing to give you the appearance of forgiveness you seem to want.
That’s okay.
That, at the very least, would be more honest.
It would level the playing field, and we can stop pretending that yours is a god of love, or a faith that sustains. Those are nice-sounding platitudes, and I think both of us, you and I, have heard enough of those.
wchanley, thank you for sharing your perspective. I don’t expect you to forgive me, not at all. And, despite your doubt, I WILL challenge the Christians that target you. I will challenge myself, and everyone I have a chance to impact, because I believe that our God IS a God of love, one that loves everyone, regardless of whether or not they believe in Him.
Thank you for reading, even though you are still angry.
I’m very sorry for your lose… I know those words bring little comfort, I’ve been there. Please know that those who claim to hate you for what has happened are no better than the other haters who hate gays. Please find a way to forgive yourself, I’m sure Ryan was trying to find a way to forgive himself for disappointing you but just couldn’t get there. I’m sure he loved you very much!
Hi Linda. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
My son, who is now 21, came out to me at the age of 15. When he told me, I wasn’t shocked, I already knew.
I told him I loved him no matter what and supported who he was. He and I kept this a secret until about a year ago. How could my smart son be gay, how could I have let this happen? Was it because I raised him by myself without any real positive men in his life? No, I knew this was not just a choice he made, but that this was how God created him. I was afraid that my family and friends would think I failed as a parent and that all his accomplishments would not matter. And, boys in the south are supposed to play sports and hunt for crying out loud, not write books or design web pages as a teen.
After reading your blog, I’ve realized that I really don’t support him and love him without condition. I live in the south, a small conservative town, I struggle with my younger two children finding out that their brother is gay, and my son knows this. Oh my gosh, how terrible he must feel about himself because of my fear of them finding out! I pray that God takes this fear away.
Oh, Bev…You are obviously such a loving mom. Please friend me on FaceBook – we have an incredible, very private group of Christian moms (many from the south) who still love Jesus while also fully loving and supporting their LGBTQ children. I am Linda Mueller Robertson on FaceBook…I will look forward to connecting with you!
I came across this while reading your letter or statement from HuffPost. I have no hate whatsoever for you or your family. I have love. With that said..
I came out as a lesbian at 14 to a Bible Belt baptist Texas. I was kicked out of my school, my family, and pretty much my state. I was told I was going to hell and I would burn for eternity.
All pretty traumatizing for a kid. I learned to hate religion, Christians and God. I drank heavily and relied on drugs. I still managed to graduate high school and attend college at 16 in NY. I knew life was better than what I was being told. I missed my family. My childhood friends. I never did reconnect with my childhood friends but I made amazing ones some now are lifetime friends. And I reconnecting with my family. I taught them the ways of love and acceptance. They still follow Jesus, God and and Christianity, but they have hearts of love, I paved the path for my family, for being gay, a few years after my coming out a few other members came out. And my conservative family was opening there hearts to a whole new world, a world they were taught was bad and unacceptable. The world is full of ignorance and hate. But I believe we all make mistakes as humans, some small and some devastating. I understand your sons journey to a T, but I also understand your family’s. You will always have this devastation, guilt, remorse anything bad. But you have this now, this ability to show and let others feel, from the beginning of your sons coming out to what you and yours will feel for life. God is love. Not hate. And no human has a right to judge, we have a right to live and to love. Bring forth positivity in any situation.
From me to you. Much love to you and yours.
As a gay man I can tell you that your son would have whole heartedly forgiven you and you will discover that most normal gay people would to.
Please forgive yourself, but thank you for your love and understanding of my people x
Rob
Linda, I am sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing your story. It means so much. Take care.
As a gay man I am absolutely convinced that your son would hold nothing but love and forgiveness for you. I am certain many gay people would as well.
Thanks for your love support and understanding. I ask you to forgive yourself but thank you for using the energy of this to educate
Dear Linda Robertson,
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the ordeal you’ve been going through. Just ignore the hateful comments you’ve received; the people who wrote them haven’t yet realized that we all make mistakes and suffer for our shortsightedness. Let’s hope they can deal with their own hatred and learn from it, just as you’ve become a better person and parent through your experience. I wish you the best and hope you find peace in the realization that your story has a positive influence on the lives of others.
Your son and I share similar stories. Bless you for your courage to share your experience of pain, hope and healing. My heart breaks for your loss.
I was born in 1961 in San Diego. By 6th grade I was already ‘playing around’ with other boys my age. By 9th or 10th grade my sexual attractions were firmly attached to boys, but I just assumed the normal attraction to girls would emerge when it was supposed to. I innocently trusted God, and my church without much critical thinking about it. ‘Fag’ was the word used to embarrass kids on the play yard. I didn’t even know what it was, but knew it was a terrible thing to be. In High School I dated girls, had very close relationships with them, but no sexual attraction to them. Others my age were already having sex with them. That’s when I started being bothered by this, and wondering what was wrong with me, and when the attraction would start. In my first year in college, in Ohio, I finally realized it was never going to happen, I wasn’t going to be attracted to women. I was devastated. I raged at God for making me that way, prayed and prayed to be normal, and cursed my unluckiness for having to deal with this disaster. Earlier that year Harvey Milk was elected in San Francisco, and my dad had angry outbursts reading the newspaper at breakfast at each article about the fags. All fags ‘should do us a favor and shoot themselves’ according to dad. He become enraged reading about Gay Pride parades beginning to happen in California, and his face would turn bright red while fuming about it. My dad was my hero, and I took to heart all his opinions. Later, when I came out to myself, when I finally had to admit in my heart of hearts that I was this grotesque thing, that I was a homosexual, his words came to haunt me. I was a perfect self-loathing, self-hating gay man, taught to hate a thing I never in my darkest nightmares would imagine I was. It just wasn’t possible I could be gay.
In no coincidence, I also became an addict, burying my self-hate and shame in gallons of booze, pounds of weed, and finally, in my mid-20’s, crystal methamphetamine. I didn’t look gay, I didn’t act gay, I lived with straight roommates from high school, and my gay life consisted of furtive encounters in the dark at the local cruising parks. I could hide my difference, and I led a secret life. I lived a lie, and I lied all the time about myself.
Addiction took its toll, I switched to using the needle for the meth, and in two years of shooting up the dope I was jobless, homeless, living under bridges and in parks, and had become HIV+ just four years after it was named. I was 27 years old. My parents were baffled by my downfall, and I finally told them the truth. The process was hard for them, (‘you’re our only son, who will carry on the family name? You’ll be lonely the rest of your life. You’ll have no one to grow old with!’) but they were happy to know there was at least a reason for my behavior. My dad did a 180 on his opinion of gays, because to him, family is more important than anything. I was lucky. I’ve met many gay men whose families felt their religious beliefs were more important than family, and threw away their children, banning them from contact or family events. “No son of mine is going to be gay,” etc…
I made it into recovery, got clean and sober by grace, a great recovery home, and AA, and all this was more than 20 years ago now. In 1998, ten years after my HIV infection, I was beginning to die of AIDS just as the medicine cocktails became available. Many young friends of mine were also dying or had died, but I made it to the new meds, and my body got better. 26 years after HIV infection, to say I feel blessed and live as one given a miracle doesn’t begin to describe it. I’ve been with my partner Marc now for 21 years. I’m not lonely, and I do have a great man to grow old with. My parents accept him and love him as their own son. Love is love, and today we let it lead our lives. We are very fortunate in light of how many sweet, loving men don’t ever get the chance to reach their 50’s like we have.
I’m so sorry your son didn’t make it. Of course I believe he is safe and well in Spirit, and his life gave us all an incredible gift, which I realize in no way takes away from your loss, but perhaps tempers it a bit. I saw your story on Huff Post this morning and my heart felt compelled to speak and offer encouragement. My parents had no where to turn in 1988 when they found out for support or help on how to deal with a gay son, an addict, and an HIV+ one at that. My mom said that day she felt her son had died. They’ve come a long way since then, and so has the world. Parents can find support today. Your blog and story will help many hearts heal, and probably save many young lives. Thank you for turning your terrible pain into hope for others to discover. That is truly a God thing, and a very good thing, indeed. I appreciate you, and believe ultimately life, and the Spirit in life, does, too.
In care and love,
Steven Withers
Many blessings to you, Steven and Marc..I am so thankful that you made it through such seemingly insurmountable obstacles to where you are today. Wish I could give you a big hug!
i am a bisexual Lutheran pastor. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve gone through and so thankful that the Holy Spirit has worked for good through your tragedy. You honor your son by telling your story. Perhaps one day people will read scripture in a new way that doesn’t condemn, but lifts up instead. May you find comfort, peace, and new life
Its easy to see where you’ve made your mistakes. You just haven’t identified the real problems. The problems isn’t anywhere but in you. You place the outcome of your life, in the belief that something out there will somehow take care of your problems and answer your questions. But think for a moment.. When you read the bible, where are the parts about all the insane crazy people being put in asylums? Or where are all the references about crazy people? Its hard to find because, back then crazy people were called prophets and medicine men and any kind of religious leader you can think of. So the crazy and the wicked created and stupid created these theologies as a means to have power over the intellectuals whom through out history have been persecuted and murdered by religions. They murdered them under the accusations of heresy. So with the crazy, wicked and stupid at the helm, which has always been the case through out our history, to this day, we choose not to question the madness and instead embrace it with pack mentality? Why, would anyone with any real sense do something like that? And why would you not question its true nature when you see how and what its purpose really is, when you saw that, you couldn’t reconcile condition-less love with your son? Instead you choose to bury your head even deeper into the madness because its too late to save yourselves. You are who you are are and you’ve conditioned yourselves to do so. This is all self inflicted and you are only leading your future generations to suffer the same fates. Who knows which of your possible grand kids will end up the same way because you conditioned your children to do make the same mistakes you made. Freedom of the mind and sould is a choice.
Max, I couldn’t agree more….freedom of the mind and the soul IS a choice, one that I regularly take advantage of, and encourage our surviving children to, as well.
I found this through Huffington Post, and I really appreciated it. I am a lesbian, and was raised in a protestant church. While I no longer identify as Christian, the church I grew up in never emphasized anything but god’s love. Hell or hate was never taught to us as something that god wanted. What moves me the most about your story is that from the start, you always emphasized that you loved your son. It’s a powerful story that many people who believe that god forbids homosexuality could benefit from. Upon reading it, I didn’t think that you were absolving yourself of anything, and it’s unfortunate that some of the comments you’ve received suggest that you were. You made a mistake, and you own that, but you also always loved your son, and before he passed away you were able to tell him that you loved him. Thank you for sharing your story.
I just learned of your story today after reading the HuffPo article. It struck me to the core, and I thank God you are willing to share, even if it requires you to hold up mistakes for all to see.
I am a Christian who happens to be homosexual. As laws have just changed to allow marriage in my state, we have started to plan our wedding. I have just approached this topic again with my evangelical parents as I would love to finally have peace around this issue. I would truly love to have them at my wedding. Again they quote Romans 1:26. I so desire peace and an unhindered relationship with them. You are exactly right when you say that a person’s ability to love themselves and perceive God’s love for them is influenced by their parents. I still succumb to doubt and anxiety, even after years of reconciling my faith with who I am. Always God is there, to reassure and uplift me when my faith starts to waiver.
Please do not take to heart any of the hate-filled comments. It takes an amazing amount of strength and character to publicly display one’s shortcomings. We are all a work in progress, and we all fall short sometimes. We will all be a work in progress as long as we walk this earth.
I firmly believe that healing and restoration for many will occur because of your family. You are a public figure of the grace and mercy that all of us need. We have all made mistakes. We have all required forgiveness, and our God does not view one mistake as any greater or lesser than another. What He will always do, when invited in, is turn our mistakes into opportunities.
There are those who are angry on here. No doubt you have probably been hurt by the church just as I have. Forgiveness is the only way forward. In forgiving the church, you free yourself from carrying that burden of pain and bitterness. Love is all that matters.
Thank you for your work. When others lash out, they are venting their own pain. The church has hurt us for a long time. Don’t get discouraged. Keep your eyes fixed above and please keep going. We need you!
Sheila…I am praying that God will bless your marriage. It breaks my heart that our churches are still teaching parents that somehow it is the “right” thing to withhold support from gay children (of any age). What I would give to attend Ryan’s wedding…anything. I wish I knew you, Sheila, and could celebrate yours. Your kindness has touched me deeply.
You are a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman. I thank you for telling your story and weep as I feel your pain. I am so sorry that your family had to endure this. As a gay woman who has struggled with family acceptance, I thank you for understanding your son. It may have taken awhile, but inevitably you did. Do not blame yourself. Everyone makes their own choices in life and who is to say that what you did or did not do was the reasoning for these outcomes.
Either way, I wish you and the rest if your children the most blessed life.
Read your sadly beautiful article in HuffPost today 16 October 14. Chloe is the T part of the group and we see many friends leave because of peoples outlook toward us. With a 42% suicide rate, completed or aborted added to, the killing factor against us, I would hope that people aware of these facts can understand it’s not a choice to be this way. Thanks to my mothers answer, in the early 1940s, I learned not to ask anything about this subject of any adult’s. couple years later in Catholic school the nun dressed one of the 7th grade boys in all girls outfit and when he appeared before his peers the ridicule was surprising, not just from the boys, yet the girls also. So lesson two, Hide this need. I hid it from all, even from my gay friends. Finally came out after cancer surgery and chemo in 1911. Am an advocate for visibility and teaching about us, Late (75 yrs) yet better than Never. Your article has the same deep meanings for our group and by your sharing many will read their own feelings into it and that can benefit so many others. My parents were Catholic and at five years old knew it was not for me. I have always been a spiritual being and closest to Taoism. When you are part of organized religions you give your power to the religion, and not that which was inherent in you at birth. We are responsible for all that happens in our lives by our deeds and actions, why let outside elements control us. God provides all the help we ask for and only if we listen and ask HER. Thanks for Being Linda Robertson ChloeAlexa appreciates your caring and sharing.
And I appreciate your caring and sharing, ChloeAlexa. Much love to you.
Dearest mother of Ryan,
I wish you peace and self forgiveness. God has long ago forgiven. Those who shout at and berate you are angry with themselves for reasons that they alone know. You have clearly become a blessing to those around you. I imagine that your Ryan is looking down on you and smiling.
I hope so, Tara…I like to think he knows how much he has taught all of us, and how much better we are as a family and people, because of his life and death.
Thanks for the post.
Dear Linda,
I just watched your video on Huff-Po and I was incredibly moved by your and your husband’s experience with your son. There is altogether too much judging going on in this world. And way too much pain. And the world needs to hear what the two of you are saying. I think that you two are very courageous to bare your souls the way you have.
So, I’ll be 70 in a couple of months, and I live on an island in the Gulf of Mexico. I didn’t grow up here. I came here 35 years ago, a refugee, from a major American city. I go to at least a couple of funerals a year for people who back when I came here made me welcome or helped me establish a life here or who otherwise touched my life. I always bring this section of a poem “The Four Quartets” by T.S. Eliot to copy into the guestbook. It seems to help.
“I said to my soul
Be still
And wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing.
And wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing.
There is yet faith
But the faith, and the hope, and the love
Are all in the waiting
And do not think
For you are not ready for thought.
So the darkness will be the light
And the stillness, the dancing.”
Kevin
Oh my gosh, Kevin…I am printing this out…thank you SO much for sharing it with me. What a precious gift, dear friend.
Dear Linda,
I have been following this story for some time, as someone who is both a Christian and LGBT advocate. I have unfortunately found myself at odds with other Christians over this topic. (I spent my last Pride parade holding up a sign that says “God loves LGBT people too” in front of a small crowd of protesters demanding that gays repent.) I am not gay, nor do I have any family members that are gay (that I know of), but as a music major in college I made MANY gay friends! Since then I have been a pretty devoted advocate to LGBT issues. Anyway, I think your family’s story is extremely important and I thank you for sharing it. What you are doing is very brave and honors Ryan’s memory in the most beautiful way possible. I am so sorry that so many people delight in causing your family more suffering. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I wasn’t there the night my father died, and have lived the years since asking “What if?” So I know that regret can be extremely painful. People who are causing you and your husband more pain are cruel and don’t understand what they are doing. Remember that judgment comes from God alone, not men, and that his forgiveness is freely given to any who ask. As for Ryan — I truly believe that when you meet again, he will tell you that he’s already forgiven you. I hope your story inspires others to change their hearts and accept their children regardless of their sexual orientation.
Thank you, Amanda…and thank you for all the advocate work you do as a straight woman. Bless you for understanding why we have shared our story…If it saves one teenager, his death will not have been a waste.
I can’t imagine the torment of losing a child and knowing that it was largely because of your own choices. What an unimaginably difficult lesson to learn. I hope you can teach many, many others this lesson so they don’t have to learn the hard way – for their, and their children’s sake. And I hope this will help you find some peace with the past. All that lives is eternal; at least that is what I believe. I am gay and fortunate enough to have a family that accepted me that fact unconditionally. I know many who aren’t so lucky. Please continue to use your example, if only for the sake of all the children to come.
-be at peace : )
Let’s hope and believe together, Patrick…thank you so much for your kind and compassionate words.
This is so brave and so beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss. You have made a wonderful tribute to your son, to God and to your journey.
As a gay man who grew up in the 70’s I grew up thinking my mom would rather see me dead than gay. Mom was SHOCKED when I finally told her that. It took a suicide attempt for MY walls to crumble and be able to start living my real life. I am now legally married to a man with whom I have shared the last 35 years of my life…mama considers him her son, also.
My heart broke when I read your story. I hope you find the peace and self forgiveness you deserve. I sincerely doubt that your son would condemn you to a lifetime of pain.
I am not a religious person but I do ask God to help you and your husband to heal.
With much love
David
Much love to YOU, David…SO thankful that you have found love not only with your husband but from your mother, as well. ❤