On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.
But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
Just Because He Breathes 
2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? He’d shake his head and say, “Why did you select one group of God’s children to separate from the others and shame?
Why have you sacrificed principles and family to adhere to outworn beliefs of two thousand years ago? You mistakenly superimpose onto the Modern Age antiquated conventions of the emerging culture of man 100 generations past — a painful anachronism now unnecessarily shouldered by the innocent.
I left you thinking you’d take the love I shared with you to share with ALL people. Instead, you take a book of paper and ink, aged, disputed, and altered over time, and you make that book more important than LOVE itself. You deny rights to loving couples, and judge and punish them for being what God made them to be.
You single out God’s children, harmless and unsuspecting, and prevent them from enjoying friendships and camaraderie. You bully others into such desperation that they take their own lives. You defy reason, compassion, equality, and ethics. You withhold love from your own child to pray the gay away. You chant dogma that contradicts human nature. And, you, too, see the injustice and humiliation you now promote. All this you do in the name of God!
You travel a muddy road downhill in the dark.
I light a different path to a place where people treat others the way they themselves want to be treated… the place where LOVE resides. See the light ahead? Follow me.”
I was once a bigot. My parents and my era taught me wrong. In the expanse of a long life, I woke up and changed my mind. In penance for my youthful zealotry, I am compelled to share this insight with other bigots so they will recognize blindness to be a necessary step toward their enlightenment. I was once blind. But now I see.
The unenlightened mistakenly superimpose onto the Modern Age antiquated conventions of 100+ generations past once forged by an emerging, but naïve, sometimes barbaric, culture of man. Today, this festering anachronism persecutes innocent homosexuals who suffer daily bigotry, hatred, and death because of worn-out beliefs.
The paradigm shift has unique sensations about it. When brainwashed bigots begin the course of illumination, they resist. Goodness willing, slowly over decades — through observation, insight, reason, empathy, compassion, understanding, and release — the mind begins to open. The shoulders let go the heavy weight of prejudice. The heart lays bare its natural desire to love and treat everyone equally. And, the soul ascends briefly into Samadhi, Nirvana, Paradise, for a glimpse. Then comes awakening! A new perspective. Acceptance, appreciation, and celebration of our diverse humanity replace prejudice, animosity, and hatred. Cleansing of human character occurs within the evolution of the human mind.
The present day paradigm shift will bring FREEDOM FOR ALL, not just the “chosen ones.” Thanks to the wisdom and courage of a majority of Supreme Court justices!
— Retired California Teacher, Heterosexual
I am SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY for your loss!!!! My heart breaks for your family today!! I came out in 1995…after having two biological children and being married to a woman and helping Pat Robertson in his bid to become president. I was Honorably Discharged from the United States Army under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in 1996. My parents knew before they both passed and I’m grateful for that…and they treated me with unconditional love and support. Today, I have a wonderful, beautiful husband of 14 years and we are in the process of adoption. My husband is “Dad” to my daughter and son and my ex-wife is my bestfriend. I wish I could hold you and your husband and comfort your hearts!! Those who offer vile and ugly words to you all do not have the compassion of the Christ they claim they follow. Know that you are loved by many!!
Kyer Bustamante-Quon
Thank you, Kyer…much love back to you!
Linda I read your blog and the article on Huffington Post. I think it is very brave and I am sure your son is watching proudly from above. I felt compelled to comment on this post because I am a recovering addict. I abstain from any mood altering substances because I was lucky enough to be given dozens of chances and that is the only way I can be a helpful/decent member of society. I attend a 12 step fellowship and have learned quite a bit from meetings, sponsorship, and fellowship with other recovering people. One of the most valuable lessions I have learned is that the disease of addiciton is insidious it festers itself in self hatred and it does not discriminate at all. I grew up with a great family but i always had those feelings… that itch to get outside of myself. My parents are married to this day (even though I made that very difficult in my years of using) and I have loving sisters, no one in my family ever abused any substances. But the disease does not discriminate… I too started with drinking and pot and ended with heroin. What I am saying is that addiction can rob our loved ones from our lives at any given moment for no rhyme or reason. Please dont blame yourself for a horrible deadly drug that took your sons life. I will pray for him and your family tonight. I have seen many friends pass due to addiction and I have seen many recover and build wonderful lives provided they accept God or some higher power into their lives. I am confident that your story will help countless parents love their children regardless of their sexual identity. You may also find it helpful to attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. My parents often attended and still participate, they say it was the only thing that gave them hope and helped them accept that it was beyond their control. Nothing they could say would stop me from using I had to make the choice to accept my loving God’s grace.
Kate…Bless you. I don’t know where we’d be today without Al-Anon; it was a virtual life saver for us. I am so grateful that today you are choosing LIFE; you are giving the world a gift every day that you do. Thank you, too, for your gracious understanding.
as the sister of two gay brothers i truly don’t understand christians. thank goodness we were raised as atheists, so there was never any selfloathing. i had christian friends tell me the only reason i believed in gay marriage was because my brothers were gay. i would believe regardless. who am i to say who someone can love. the trouble in this country is religion. keep religion in your churches, in your deeds and behavior ( sadly missing from so called christians of today,) and leave the rest of us alone. the most dishonest friends i have are the christian ones. throwing out the child u gave birth to because of belief in some great white sky daddy is mindboggling. i hope that thru your belief in your gawd u find peace. my brothers have been with their partners for more than 35 yr and because they live in a sane blue state. they are now married. while my so called christian friends are on their 3 and 4th marriage. religious nuts are the sole reason i left the us
Much love to you and yours. May our good God bless and comfort you. He was so misunderstood and maligned in everyway. May your life be blessed with knowing He loves you deeply.
Mrs. Robertson,
I don’t know you. I didn’t know your son. I’m sorry for what happened to you, your husband, your family and your son, Ryan. I’m not sure if it’s my right or place but I forgive you and I forgive Ryan. I do believe, that you are doing penance in grace, by this sharing. I think you honor your son. If you save another Ryan, another Linda, another father or family from what you’ve lived through, you will have done a great blessing. I am no Christian but I am a person of faith and I believe that God forgives you and more important, I believe your son Ryan would forgive you. Do you forgive yourself?
I understand the anger that many feel and wrote to you. I can empathize with it. I do not, however, condone it. So often in life, we arrive at moments in which we cannot see the all the possible outcomes of our choices. You didn’t. Ryan didn’t. You’ve all paid a terrible price. But your choice now, matters. You choice to try and prevent what happened to all of you from happening to another, matters. You’ve learned. You’ve grown.
No matter how much the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, at some point if we are to live again, we must move beyond to learning so that we can help others to avoid our situations, our choices. That path, leads to forgiveness.
I do not know you. I do not know your husband or family. I did not know Ryan. But I love you and as much as it is my place, I forgive you.
Eric, thank you for your forgiveness. From a woman who is incredibly sorry for all that she did to promote the idea that somehow being gay was something to be “fixed,” I am grateful for your grace. So very grateful.
This is one of the tragedies that happens when fundies cherry pick quotes from the bible, a book written and assembled by HUMANS, and decide this means they know God’s will and God’s mind. Why is it that most people, most parents, can understand or understand instantly what it took you losing a son to understand? Most people and many Christians in fact don’t believe in the slightest that homosexuality is a sin. Why is it that you did? And since you have undergone this tragic journey with your faith intact, I must wonder, has your community, your parish, your congregation learned any of what you have learned? Do you still keep faith with a community that considers your son to have been something less than a man, that discusses the evils of his “kind” as common sense and established fact? People so blatantly hateful that they blame terrorist attacks and natural disasters on America’s “permissive” attitude towards homosexuals? Your son is not the first to die like this, and he certainly hasn’t been the last. Its good for you to share this story, and its good that you decided your beliefs were wrong rather than blaming his death on his sexuality. But again, what I want to know is how you’ve dealt with the community you were part of before your son disappeared for a year, and if you’re still listening to the same sermons from the same guy that believes gay conversion therapy is treatment instead of child abuse and uses the mantra “love the sinner hate the sin” as a fig leaf for the hatred and fear that you’ve now seen it to be.
Slothen, the church where we’ve worshipped for the past five years is full of people and pastors who love Ryan, along with our other kids. They would NEVER disrespect his memory or our experience by advocating gay conversion therapy; we worship every week alongside dear LGBT Christian friends. I agree with you…we wouldn’t be able to worship someplace where the “love the sinner, hate the sinner” (such a wrong idea for so many reasons) cliche was thrown around, especially in regard to our LGBTQ loved ones.
I see, so you clearly left the community you had been a part of around the time of his death, if I read your story right. When I was a kid, the church we went to was friendly to gays and lesbians, and there were prominent members of the church that were gay and in committed, monogamous relationships. Its been a joy to me, over a decade later, to see these same people planning their weddings now that they are legally permitted to marry. But I always remember that my church and your new one are still probably in the minority in America. And while people draw battle lines and attack Christianity wholesale, or stand back and use religious liberty is an excuse to refuse to accept homosexuals as people, it falls to people like you and me to bring humanity back to the debate, but specifically to bring it to those Christians that cleave to a harmful, unfeeling, and downright delusional dogma. But really it falls more to you, because even having read your article, I cannot for the life of me fathom how any reasonable person could have such beliefs. Thank you for taking the time to respond, and God grant you healing and peace, as well as the conviction to carry on in Ryan’s memory and to help other families avoid such tragedy.
hi, i just wanted to say how sorry i am about your son. what happened was tragic and as a mother i could not fathom losing a child. i’m sorry for all the negativity you have received. those people are obviously full of hatred themselves. i’m glad you were able to reconnect with Ryan before his death and make peace. ryan would be proud of the work you are doing.
Andrea…please don’t be too quick to judge the angry horrible posts…..generally that comes from residual RAGE from having been hurt one’s self. pity those and hope they find the two key words in that situation……medication and therapy.
I’ve been out for 13 years now. Initially, a large part of my struggle was religious. Many parts were self-loathing.
This is absolutely a heartbreaking story. But one of change, of realization, of taking responsibility, of remorse and eventually of acceptance and love. It seems you may have made amends with your son before his death; that must be comforting in some ways.
But you continue to share your story and be a part of your local and national LGBTQ communities in hopes that others will not share your mistakes. If you change one person’s opinion, you have succeeded and your son’s legacy will continue.
So tragic. But kudos to you for where you are today.
Dear Linda,
I had to tell you that your story about your son and the challenges you and your family is going through breaks my heart. As a gay man, I am sorry if the LGBT community was critical of you and the story you said. Many are bitter because of what they had gone through in their journey. As a Christian I am sorry for what our brothers and sisters have said in the name of our loving God. We both know in Jesus we find our strength and salvation. As an oldest son, I wept with you because of the same conversations my mother and I had when I first came out. Her same fears were yours. May God Bless you and your family. I will pray for you to fine solice and that your son lives in the grace of the Almighty!
God bless
Kevin Kappes
So thankful to have you as my brother in Christ, Kevin!
I was told about you and your family from a friend. She didn’t speak highly of you. From what she said I hated you. I hated you for an entire week. Then I looked up this page for myself. Wanting to justify my hate. And I have read it so many times I have lost count. I cried. I felt, and still do, ashamed. Then I read your letter to the people who hate you today and felt worse.
I want to say thank you for sharing your story. I don’t have teenagers, but I have a three year old little boy. Even at three I had his whole life planned out, wants and desires for him. Graduation, college, marriage, kids. At three. By the time he was 11 I could have been oblivious and out of control. Easily more wrapped up in my dream for his life, than his actual life.
But I don’t care anymore what or who he grows up to be, so long as he grows up knowing he’s loved no matter what.
I don’t know what my story would have been, or what it’s going to be now. But I do think you’ve changed it for the better.
And I’m sorry I hated you. I was wrong.
Bless you, Britta, for taking the time to put yourself in our “shoes” and to really listen. Both your humility and teachability inspire me; your son is blessed to have YOU as a mom. Thank you for giving me a chance.
Hey Britta…the ability to learn and change is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? Linda has so touched my heart….I have been railing against ‘evil angelicals’ for some time now and I think I just had my Grinch heart grow three sizes…
Best to you all.
David
Dear Linda–
Sending you love, prayers for peace, comfort, grace and joy to surround, sustain and uphold you and for the suffering and pain of your loss to be eased.
We all are looking for someone with whom we want to spend our days our nights with, to share our happiness, our sorrow, our worries. In the first phase of our life this place is taken up by parents. In teenage years we discover that we need someone else besides our parents to love and to be loved. All parents want their children to be happy. Thanks progress and open minded generation we now know that it is fully normal to love and to be with the same sex. There is nothing wrong with it. Surely it is a shock to hear that about your own children that they are homosexual or lesbian. But we want them to be happy, right! So we must let them to be happy the way they are. Homosexuality is neither disease nor state of mind, it is part of a human being. We all are looking for a soul mate.
Being atheist for me is so much easier……
My son is gay, he is the kindest sweetest loving caring human being I have known.
He works hard, he is kind and thoughtful. He is an amazing young man who cares about his family his friends of his fellow man.
He tries to do right thing, he has moral values, he believes in God.
His sexuality is a tiny part of who he is and he and like any human being there is more to them than their sexuality.
So the church going charity contributor upstanding citizen who batters his wife and abuses his children is though more of because he good christain.
The moral fibre of a person should be judged what’s in mans heart and mind not his sexuality.
Homosexuality has been there since beginning of time, it doesn’t just apply to human race but all species.
End of its not about sex it’s about love
And love is love
It’s knows no bonds it has no borders.
Is God not a god of love.
People shouldn’t judge till they walked in that person shoes. You have any idea what they feel or hurt pain rejection they feel . To be judged.
No one had that right. You judge a person by what’s in their heart . Tell me that being a good christain means you disown and turn your back on your own flesh and blood then you can keep it.
I love my son and I will defend him against anyone even god himself.
Dear Anonymous:
I would love to share what you posted on my friends only Facebook page because what you said rings true and I totally agree with you.
God should have prevented you from having children to protect them from such hate and evilness.
Oh Michael…if it worked that way a lot of children (myself included) would not have been born Can you really not read the truth in her missive?
Are you so perfect? Truly? Please do some soul searching and look in the mirror. I suspect your soul is not so lily white as you might think.
I hope you discover the root of your anger and either get therapy or work your way though it. You will be a much happier person.
xoxoxoxo Michael.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Michael}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I suspect you need a big hug
David
My heart is nigh unto breaking for the loss of your son. I wish you peace of mind. I also suggest the reading of the book, The Children are Free.
A parent should never have to bury their child. I am sorry for your devastating loss.
It is so hard to get past our belief system. My daughter was a born again Christian. When she was in her twenties, she told be that she was gay and that her girlfriend was someone that we knew and loved. I said ‘I’m shocked’. She said ‘Really’. I said, ‘well, I always joked (to others) that you would find true love when you came out of the closet, but I never thought you would allow yourself that.’ And, ‘I am thrilled for both of you’. Some 12 years later the girls are married and have a gorgeous little baby girl. I told her ‘I thought you said gay people were fine, they just can’t go to heaven’. She said ‘Oh I know I’m going to Hell, but it’s who I am’. You can’t blame yourself for your initial feelings. Any more than my daughter can blame herself for being, herself. You loved your son; he knew that. We can only move on in a better light. Be better to yourselves. God loves you too.
I continue to be amazed by those hampered by religion. If you are religious, ask yourself this question. “How many gay people does God need to make before you’ll admit he isn’t making mistakes?”
My coming out was similar in that my parents really didn’t see it coming. I always liked the usual “boy stuff” and there wasn’t much to give me away. Therefore, it came as quite a shock to my parents. It didn’t help that my father had for many years been a Baptist pastor. While dad wasn’t thrilled with the news and was, in fact, hostile at first, in time he became mostly supportive. My mother never has. She has said things to me that most people couldn’t imagine a mother saying to her child. Many find this odd because usually the mom in these situations is more accepting. I just read your post on HuffPost today about the horrible things people say to you to this day. I am sorry that you have to endure that. I just wanted to tell you that reading your story has in some way helped me to forgive my mom a little bit even though she still hasn’t “come around” and likely never will. I can’t really explain why, but for this I thank you.
Dave, tonight I am praying that your mom will realize what a wonderful man she is missing out on!
Big hugs mama. I cried reading your story. I’m sorry for your loss.
I am truly heartbroken for all the negativity you have received and what those voices did/are doing to you. If everyone has to have all the answers before becoming parents we’d be extinct thousands of years ago. I won’t even venture to say something stupid and meaningless like “you were wrong, but now you get it” because all that I can feel from your posts is tremendous love, and not just for your own flesh and blood. And if I had to judge you (which I do not, and I cannot understand the need to do so from so many others), as a person, or as parents, that’s all I ever needed to base on.
I do believe what you are doing has tremendous value and for that I sincerely thank you. What I truly wanted to say is that there are still a lot of neglected youth out there who could really use a family, and if you think you are not suitable to be parents any more you would be dead wrong. I can only hope that more kids can be in the care of people like you. And I think Ryan would be really proud if you can bring yourself to actually take in kids who are in similar situations he was in.
All the best of wishes and I hope you will find lightness in your life soon.
When is Christian hate going to stop?????? It is this exact kind of behavior that led to innumerable innocent women being hanged or burned for being “witches” in the Middle Ages! Why has a message of love been corrupted into a religion of hate? Maybe it’s the classic scapegoat scenario of people being unable to accept their own short comings and have to turn their hatred towards innocent, defenseless minorities. I left the church years ago because I couldn’t reconcile the evil that so-called Christians do with what Jesus taught.
I’m sorry for your loss and the additional pain you have endured from trying to keep others from making the same mistakes and having the same regrets.
The only issue I wish you would touch on is the other party that holds accountability in your son’s death. The one common factor that instilled fear in your son, persuaded your views and ultimately created this whole situation: Christianity. While faith is a very strong tool in all aspects of life, the outdated views that are preached today lead to these unimaginable situations. It sounds as if your views and beliefs of God have transcended the filth they teach in organized religion today. However, if addressed, your escape from the grasp of the guilt inducing establishment that is organized religion can help countless other struggling families and gay individuals. God did not change between the time your son came out to the time in which you were completely accepting of him and his sexuality. Your understanding of God and your son’s understanding changed. I don’t know if you changed your religious practices or if your religious practices turned out to be accommodating but I feel that should be addressed. Whether you changed churches or your church was accepting, a lot of individuals in the same situation need to know that there is a possibility for acceptance by God while living an alternative lifestyle. Currently, many are being told they can either be heathens and comfortable with their sexuality or be accepted by God but deny a very crucial personal identity trait.
Ryan, you make a good point. We’ve worked through a lot of questions as we reconciled our faith with our love for and acceptance of our son, and we feel honored to have many gay Christian friends who have had to do the same thing for themselves. Fortunately, it isn’t Jesus who is condemning…And as you said, he hasn’t changed.
Dear Christian mother. I am a 40 year old gay woman. My experience was so much like your sons, over 20 years ago, when I came out to my Southern Baptist parents. I am the only child. I can’t tell you the hopes and dreams I know I have shattered for my parents. My dad decided to accept me early on. Over the years…my precious and loving mother has been very kind to me and whoever I brought around..but they were never acknowledged as my partner and my mother never ever admitted to herself, me or anyone else that she had a gay daughter. Since I grew up so close to my mother, closer than I can imagine any child would be, this has always been a black mark on my soul of self acceptance. I always lived alone and just “dated”..never solidifying any relationships out of fear of the ultimate disappointment to my mom. That is until I met the person who would become my forever. I have been a wonderful and doting daughter, putting aside any partner I may have to jump and run for my folks. ..but all that changed when I met my spouse. We have been together 4 years and have 2 wonderful homes, a very happy life, philanthropists hearts and three lovely adopted daughters from.Guatemala. My mother treats us all with love but has not visited. We moved 4 hours away 9 months ago. She travels all over but refuses to acknowledge our relationship for what it is. She gets upset every time we take a step further, such as joint health insurance, etc. 20 years is a long time to be without peace. I almost feel as though I will never completely have it because she doesn’t. Anyway, all that being said…I can assure you if I died today, I would have nothing but abounding love for my beautiful mother. I have no ill will, only a strong hope. I am forever a daughter in waiting. I was graciously blessed to not have propensity to addiction…but I can tell you that his death is not on your hands. You are doing a wonderful thing by sharing this message. If you need an adopted daughter. ..I’m here.
Wow, Brook, your love, grace & mercy are astounding to me. I have found OCEANS of the same in the LGBT community, in spite of all that you – and so many – have endured at the hands of others. You are an inspiration.
As a gay man whose parents didn’t care one way or the other, it really makes me angry when I hear stories like this. At least you now see the error of your ways now and try to help others. Is your overall faith in god still as strong? Does being so wrong about one thing make you question your other firmly held beliefs?
John, good question. We’ve asked a lot of questions about our faith, as we’ve dramatically changed our perspectives about what the Bible teaches about homosexuality. We see much that is wrong in the evangelical church…a church that tends to follow rules and restrictions more than it follows Jesus. We still fervently follow Him, and see His love and faithfulness in every aspect of our journey. Thank you for asking.
Dear Linda,
I read your article on the Huffington Post and it touched me. I am very sorry for your loss. Your words reminded me of my own mother who lost her daughter…my sister…to suicide and the fact that she still blames herself to this day. I’m not a parent, but I can understand what you mean when you say that it’s a loss you will feel forever because I see that in my own mom.
As a gay man, you’re story reminds me of how much I hate the expression, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” I wish that phrase could be stricken forever because for those of us that are gay and lesbian it is simply a part of our very being. They might as well say that they (and God) hates us, which as you and I know isn’t true.. He loves us all.
We humans love to judge others and I feel sad that others would use this an opportunity to demonize Christianity or more pointedly, condemn you or your husband for your choices. As fallible human beings, this is not our right nor our responsibility. That’s between you and God who I know still loves you very much.
God does not give us the ability to change the past, but He does give us the ability to change the future. What you decide every day forward from now is more important and I applaud what you have done and I imagine will continue to do. In the end, my most important message to you is that I wish you peace. We are humans and the world will be a better place when we all realize we will do much better lifting each other up, than dragging each other down.
Sincerely,
Matthew
Thank you, Matthew, for your gracious and hopeful words. You have lifted me up tonight.
You are a very strong women, I could not even imagine my mother having to deal with the death of her gay son. I’m the gay son! I started goin to church when I was 7, baptized when I was 13, filled with the spirit, and loving God more and more everyday. My parents never went to church with me, “where two or more or gathered I am with you” type of parents, they had nothing to do with my faith, they themselves were believers, but had no ties to my relationship with Christ. And I am so so so thankful for that.
That’s what I think parents need to get from this whole situation, parents of straight/gay/trans children. I don’t think parents should be completely hands off with their child, but genuine spirituality is between two beings; the Devine and the believer. I knew too many parents that forced there children to go to church, and these kids are now grown adult atheists. I believe that no adult can ever take responsibility in something they were never responsible for, spirituality included.
PARENTS GIVE YOUR CHILDREN RESPONSIBILITY!
I am now 21, happy, healthy, and in a monogamous amazing relationship with my boyfriend that I love very deeply. I am so, so, so, so sorry for your loss, but know in your heart that your son loves you. He is in such a better/safer place! God is an amazing healer and I pray he heals the hearts hurt by this tragedy.
I too am a Christian and I am unable to believe that God doesn’t love all of His children despite our sins and that He wouldn’t accept your son into heaven. After all, Jesus died for our sins. Ryan is with Him now and one day you will see them both.
Your story as tragic as it may be, is full of love. I can feel it.
My prayers go to you and yours.
I first read your “follow up ” and then looked you up to see what this story was about. I am so sorry that both the left and right wing have condemned you. I think this is a courageous story of parents doing their best to love their child in a difficult situation. I can’t believe that God would not love a child because of his sexuality. God is so much larger than what religion makes us believe. I hope you find peace
If God had made just one beautiful, loving gay person would a loving God not then naturally make another for them to love and for which to express that love? Let alone make millions of others the same way from which to choose? Did He not say he would provide in abundance and so it seems he has. So silly to presume to know the mind of God, however one chooses to believe that concept. How arrogant to believe some ‘other’ has the right answer or interpret what is ‘correct’ for oneself. We are sheep dressed as wolves running around like chickens.
Perhaps there was another man he was destined to love, who needed his unique expression, his compassion, his unconditional love to bloom and to share and grow together. Perhaps a child of his own or one to adopt that would then be blessed by his unique insight, his empathy, his ability to see the world through non-judgmental eyes. I mourn the loss of a beautiful trajectory unfulfilled, a sensitive soul wishing to please but knowing how that was impossible. Who has the right to ask such a thing of anyone, let alone then to judge them for it? Our religious beliefs and moral judgments or so primitive. I say if someone believes it is so easy to change one’s sexuality, they should try doing it themselves for a year and let me know how that works for them. We allow doctrines to bully us and wonder why we do them same to one another. If tragedies don’t break us, they make us. My deepest sympathy for your unimaginable loss and thank you for sharing your story.
I’ve only just come across this post… it moved me to tears. For Ryan & his struggle and for you & the cross you must now bear. I am not a religious person & have always struggled with comprehending how so many people can adamantly follow what is truly interpretations of stories in a book that repeatedly contradicts itself. I am not trying to mock the faithful, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Your story, Ryan’s story, is not only heartfelt & enlightening… it also highlights how I feel about anyone being zealous & unbending about any religion. It is clear that you thought you were doing the right thing, in keeping with your religious beliefs… it took tragedy to show you the light. I am sorry that you have had to go through all of this… sorry that Ryan ever felt “less than” or unworthy of love. Mostly I am sorry that there are so many people in this world who are unwavering in their staunch religious beliefs… so caught up in their interpretations that they can not see what is right in front of them… be kind, show love, offer help… that is all that is needed, all that can be asked & all that life should be. Like I said, I am not religious…. but if that is not enough for God, than that isn’t a God I am interested in. I hope you can find peace in knowing that you did have that time to reconcile, that Ryan did not still harbor such pain.
I’m sorry but you did NOT CAUSE Ryan’s death. I read your letter in Huffington Post and migrated here from there and have read the above. I have tremendous history with family, friends, and loved ones with drug and alcohol addiction and although your obvious guilt causes you to believe in your heart that YOUR actions led to HIS behavior, I must disagree. RYAN chose to do those drugs. He chose to start doing them and he chose to do them again (aka “relapse”). A person can die from ONE instance of drug or alcohol use and the last time Ryan chose to use, that is what happened. That has nothing to do with whether or not you accepted his sexual orientation. I am very sorry for your loss and your grief but I hope that you seek out Al-Anon. I think it will help you tremendously and it will most definitely bring peace to your heart. Don’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and please stop reading and listening to communication from any and all who blame you. Ryan is gone just as so many other people go from drug addiction. There is nothing to avenge here.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss.
Growing up as a Christian, we’re told being homosexual is wrong, a sin. I’ve struggled with accepting it. Becoming a mom changed that. I looked at my son and knew that nothing he could ever do, could ever make me stop loving him. That’s when I realized that if I felt that way, then God must too. I even struggle with calling it a sin. How can loving someone be a sin? I know what the bible says and this will be something I’ll be asking God, once I’m in heaven. I believe the only sin barring us from heaven is not believing in God. I think in the moment, you did what you thought would save him. I’m sorry you had to lose your sweet boy. It sounds like he was letting Jesus back into his life, I’m sure he’s waiting for you & will greet you with open arms!
How heartbreaking to hear your story and your response to the negative mails and comments you have received.
I came out nearly 20 years ago and suffered the most awful of times, losing all my friends, I literally had not one friend in the world. I was totally alone, confused and ashamed of who I was. Life is different now and I’m surrounded by people who love me for who I am, including my amazing partner of 12 years. I know how tough the ‘gay’ thing can be not through religion but because I lived in a very conservative community full of ignorance.
There are no words that can take away your pain. I can’t agree with what happened when your son came out but I can see that what you did was born from love, care and protection for your child. You did what you thought was the right thing.
I think you’re incredibly brave to stand up and be counted. You sound like a very special family.
I hope that as time passes you can find it in your hearts to give yourselves some forgiveness and peace.
With much love, P x
Bless you, Phil, for believing in our hearts…So thankful that you have found such love. ❤
I’ve written once before but I wanted to write again because I read on huff post that you have been receiving nasty hate filled letters. I wanted you to know that however horrible and hard, your bravery gives me hope. Yes, I am an adult, but my families contined reaction to me is “I love you but not your actions”. Which you so succinctly stated sure doesn’t sound like love.
I was and am like it sounds Ryan was. I have always wanted to please my family and have gone through horrible self doubt and hate because of my sexuality and their response to me.
YOU give me hope.
You give me hope that thy could change but more so you give me hope that people like you are even out there .
My journey is not ended, nor is anyone’s who simply breathes; and the hills I still feel I need to climb, however made in my mind are atill out there.
Knowing people like you are on the other side gives me a sort of peace only Christ could bring about.
I am sorry for the cruel notes you have received. It was two years ago I came out and thus discovered your blog; I have admired you ever since. Thank you for your grace and humility, thank you for your Christ like love and for bravery to be honest.
B
Thank you, Becka…YOU give me hope. I hope you find me on FaceBook…I know hundreds of other moms like me, who love Jesus AND their gay child…there are more of us every day. God is moving…not with judgment…but with LOVE, and it is beautiful.
To Linda Robertson and your entire family,
Myself and my partner of 13+ years send you nothing but love and admiring Thanks for sharing your story with the world.
Let me assure you, when your son felt he could “come out” to you over the computer” at the young age he did, he obviously felt your love and please please please do not let mean-spirited, ignorant haters tear you down. Everyone in their life has regrets, how y’all dealt with your son could have been so much worse, it’s heart-wrenching hearing your story… and while it will bring lots of “creeps” out of the dark corners, while they crawl back in to their corners… sharing your story has helped SO MANY PEOPLE, ourselves included.
You are amazing people and ever since reading your story I have been touched and reminded of the basic goodness of most people.
Stay strong, I have no doubt whatsoever your son would be/is SO PROUD of his family.
Peace, Love and Happiness,
Tim W (Denver, CO.)
Tim, bless you and your partner…I wish we lived close enough to share coffee and conversation. You sound like someone I need to know.
Linda: I just read your letter to all of those who hate you. It made me cry for you. I am the gay son of a clergyman, and I have struggled with much of what your son struggled with, including substance abuse and suicidal thoughts. While I will never be able to again accept organized religion in my life, I believe that all humans regardless of religion can believe in the human ability for compassion and love. I cannot fathom how anyone could not feel compassion and love for you and your family, after all you have been through and the journey you have made. It saddens me that American society has become a polarized world of divisiveness and dogma. We focus so much on the values that divide us and not on love and compassion, values that we should be able to universally accept. I would not wish the suffering you have had to endure on my worst enemy. I have read so much about you today and watched your speech from last year at the final Exodus conference. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for loss and how much I admire your courage to speak to the world about your journey. I can’t even fathom hating you…I want to hug and support you.
And Ken, I wish I could hug you. Reading your comment after just reading a particularly harsh one was a gift of grace and compassion. Thank you so much.
I am sorry to read of your loss. I read it and I am thankful that my parents did not react the way you did when I came out as bi-sexual. (Another bad thing to be apparently because you should be able to choose one or the other or something)
The hardest person on you is going to be you. You lost your son due to your actions initially but when he phoned you you were a changed person as was your husband. You accepted your son for the person he was and not for the person you wanted him to be. You loved him unconditionally and even though you only had a short time left your son would have cherished those months. I am sure you are cherishing the memories you made with him during that time.
Please do not let the haters make you hate yourself more than you already do. If you believe in God and from what I am reading you do fully… you know he is the only one who can sit in judgement of you. At least that is what my grandma used to say all the time.
I hope you find peace with yourself and you are able to forgive yourself. It is easy for someone not in your shoes to sit in judgement of you… especially if they do not know you and will never speak to you face to face.
Dear Linda, I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son, he is with you don’t doubt that and he loved you all sons love their mothers unconditionally. My son is gay, hes 21, he sat on my bed 4 years ago and said mum I like someone, I said who is she, he wiggled around a bit and I said well, he said its not a girl its a guy, I said oh is he gorgeous?. He said mum I said a guy, I am gay, I said love, darling, I know that, you take over the bathroom for hours, and you pay way to much attention to looking good. He went to cry I said oi, [same as hey] do you think for one minute it would change how I feel for you, or treat you. He doubted in his mind that I would still love him or judge him, I said I have been a nurse for way too long to judge anyone, I have seen life from all sides. I told him, his happiness and safety is all I cared about in my lifetime.
For me Linda there is no such thing as gay or lesbian or any other name, we are all humans with different views and loves, I wish people would be less judgemental of others lives and support each other as when people are dying as you well know, we come into the world with nothing and we leave with nothing, but along the way the road is bumpy mainly because people judge us. I have hugged the dirtiest lice ridden patient you can imagine and felt the same as I do when I hug my children. That there is a human who needs love, we all need love. You loved your son, rest your heart dear sister, as mothers we make mistakes I have made many with my children and they still loved me through them. My son is well and happy and I warn him always the day anyone hurts him that is the day they better take cover, mothers can be lioness’s too.
Hugs and love from Outback Australia
My heart goes out to you and your family including Ryan. All too late do we find that we made mistakes. Relish in the fact that you got to make amends with him before he left your lives… To the haters out there GLBT or not…. where’s the compassion for these people that finally got it?
I have no words that could express how much I appreciate your courage and vulnerability, Linda. I am sorry for your loss but you are, I believe, exactly what Christian people need to realize that there is nothing wrong in loving another person, even if he or she is your same sex. I recently came out to my parents and they are obviously having a hard time, being Christian themselves. But I truly believe that there is nothing more important or more strong than LOVE. And that is what you have shared and shown. God bless you.
I do believe everything in the Universe happens for a reason. Call it God, call it fate, doesn’t matter. It all has a purpose. Even if you don’t believe in God or Christianity, it doesn’t change the fact that for a lot of people it is something that helps them. I really believe that, as terrible as this kids death is, it will lead to more parents being able to accept their children coming out & fewer things like this happening. /crying
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. I grew up in the south and as a child loved church so. My parents forced. Me to choose my truth or jesus. It hurt then and it hurts now. Drugs relieved the pain. Your story touches my heart.
I am also sorry people say cruel things to you. I survived, but my story could have been yours. It is beautiful to me to witness your growth. I only wish my parents could see your truth. Thank you for being open.
Praying tonight that your parents will see how blessed they are to have you as a son, Carlton…an ALIVE and beautiful man.
My son is gay… he is such a beautiful soul… I just love you for being so open and I am so grateful to you for your generosity of spirit and your kindness. This is truly Godly. Sending you big love.
My heart hurts for you and your family. Thank you for your honesty and your graciousness in describing your journey. You are saving lives though I know you would trade all of this to save the life of your boy. I will keep you in my thoughts.
This is so beautiful and your son would be so honored and proud to call you his parents. I believe God is taking this tragic event to speak into the lives of so many…Ryan’s life has meaning. Thank you for sharing
Hi Linda, I am married to an addict. He struggles daily, our lives together has been anything but easy. My heart hurts for your family, as I am living this nightmare also. Being scared of something you don’t really understand is not your fault. I read some of the comments, and wanted to give you some encouragement. I live everyday in fear I will find my husband dead because of a relapse it has happened before. I just want you to know that this was not your fault. Your son knew you loved him and that he was loved. There are always bumps in the road in every situation. People are so quick to judge something they have never dealt with or know nothing about. It happens to me daily and although we do not understand why things turn out the way they do just know that it is not your fault and your son knew you loved him. No one should judge anyone untill they have walked a mile in their shoes. God bless you.
And God bless you, Andrea…praying tonight for strength and courage. I will never forget the nightmare of addiction, as you won’t, either. Wish I could give you a hug.
Thank you for your courage to tell your story. Our church joined the Reconciling Ministries Network last week. The LGBTQ community is finally really welcome.
Praise God!! So glad to hear that! One more church following the example of Jesus!
I would like to possibly give a little insight about the guy who went ballistic on this thread. I want everyone to understand that anger is our own anguish-(not about our awful gay lives) it’s because we can’t help the children and it kills us…those of us that made it through the hideousness of society and have come out on the other end—those of us that made it, for whatever reason–we scream and rant because there is no voice for the children whose souls are being pulled out slowly and burned by the one thing we were told we would always have…God. We now know, that it’s not truly God violently crushing their spirit and any hope of happiness—We know that it’s not God, but we are helpless against finding and helping these children. So when we hear this, our screams of hatred are not about our own pain—it’s the anguish of not being able to help these young people. And the F this and F that and you deserve this pain and the cruelty of our energy —is but for one reason. It could have all been avoided if a mom and/or dad would just listen. Not argue. Not fix. Not preach. Not advise. Not judge—simply listen to what they are telling you—a life time of no one listening to something so simple and then watching lives ruined when all that was needed was a loving ear. When a child is in this place trying to deal, we can not comprehend why a parent would not wrap themselves around the child and protect them at any cost, our vile response is because it is just so simple—
Linda, I am angry at the old you, but thrilled about the new you. That is what is needed. Please do allow the screams and rants —-I still have that in me…we can’t go back, but we can sure move forward and that is what you are doing. I wish you peace, but not so much peace that you don’t continue this journey—I believe God has you here for a reason. I know you sure made me proud and hopeful of change.
WOW. Patrick, this is so eloquent and wise. I hope you are a parent, because you must be an incredibly good one. But even if you are not, your voice in this “discussion” is much needed and much valued. Keep talking…and I will keep listening.
Dear Linda,
I am sure you receive many posts about the experience you have been through so I am not sure if you will read this or not, but I was deeply saddened to read what you have been through, both as a result of what happened to your son and peoples negative reactions to you.
I am a parent myself and I understand that all we ever want is the best thing for our children. The problem is many outside observers fail to recognize that parents are also human and can make mistakes or wish they could have done things differently. No one else has any right to judge you, and I can see that whatever happen you always acted out of love and will forever love your son.
Keep your chin up.
Joe de la Cruz
Sydney, Australia
Bless you, Joe…your kindness is greatly appreciated tonight.
Linda,
I am in total agreement with Patrick – and am comforted by your response to his comment. Please know that when people comment on your family’s story, they certainly wish that it never unfolded the way it did more than they want you to suffer. I think, and this is tough to say to a fellow mother that is clearly owning her grave mistakes, that what guarantees that you will always be answering for this is the fact that you put him on this earth. From that day, you owed him your complete and unconditional love – and if your faith instructed against loving and accepting your own flesh and blood and you subscribed to faith over the human you made, well, there isn’t even an animal mother that does that. He deserved your unwavering love more than any god. And I question the value of a religion that would house a person’s value in their sexuality or stand in the way of a parent loving a child. I am glad that you have changed your way of thinking, but it’s tough – with you – because your tune change only happened when your son died. You need to know this: he could have been in my household and this would have been NO problem and he would have been embraced and supported. I’m just one of many homes that would have loved him exactly as he was. I know that you feel awful, truly. And you really should. I wish you didn’t have to – but you do have to, because you made choices that make you more than deserving of feeling bad. You won’t like this, either, but the truth is that your son had a lot more to give to this world than you do – so it’s very irritating that he’s gone and you get to blog about about how tough it is to be you.
Anna, I sure didn’t intend this to sound like I want pity or attention for how “tough” my life has been. I was only trying to help others who have been taught as we were.
Hi Linda, I just read your post at Huffington. I cannot imagine what you are going through. My son died a little over two years ago and the pain is beyond anything I would have thought a human could endure. To add to your pain, the feeling of guilt and the condemnation from others is too much. I see the experience has caused you to do some work that will ultimately lead to a greater good and I know that Ryan sees you. I would encourage you to find Kathy Baldock on FB as she has taken on the work of creating a bridge for young gays and their faith. She may also help you in your healing process. Several of us parents have started a FB group called Spirit Moms and Dads. Feel free to join if you are moved to do so. ~ Love, Schall
Schall, I am so very, very sorry about your son. I am sorry that you understand too much of my pain. I would love to hear more about your son.
Kathy is wonderful..I was blessed to meet her at GCN last year. So glad you have connected with other parents, as our group of moms has done, as well!
Dear Linda,
I just read your thoughtful, eloquent, heartfelt and remorseful letter, in spite of all the negative assaults on your parenthood, you have handled it gracefully; even enduring the perception from some that blame you for your son’s death. That, in my view, is unfair and mean-spirited. We all make mistakes, be it from adopting the rigid interpretation of biblical teachings, or from the influence of group leaders of all sorts, friends, and family– all those voices enter our heads and aid in the formation our views about life and the world and remain firm until something comes along and challenges our assumptions. These influences—opinions, promoted as facts or knowledge are waiting for us at birth, we are born within their reach like Ryan did and like you before him. Unconsciously and without examination we accept the norms, which cause us to make decision or behave in ways that sometime causes harm. We have no way of knowing this until something jars us or challenge us. We convince ourselves that we love and we use the term “love” as if it’s magical. It is not, it’s a term and it has no magical power other than what we give it through our thinking and action. Learning to love, and understanding the real meaning is a process of growth and development, it takes an evolved mind and strong heart to truly understand what love is and how it truly expresses itself.
Parents are misunderstood by their children and children are misunderstood by their parents, however, this is life and we are all in life’s school at different level of consciousness. Ryan was 12 when he made the announcement that he felt he was gay. I see nothing wrong with you wondering at that age; if he was truly gay or simply assumed he was, because you had no knowledge, so how could you have known that it was possible for him to know for certain at that age? Second, I am assuming your religious belief system frowned on this behavior, which was not a behavior but his nature. Still, it was not a culture your family was privy to and having a cousin come out the closet does not impart knowledge at a level that was necessary for your understanding nor would a casual encounter challenged your religious belief, which had to be confront before you could get past the outer ramifications of being gay. You were concerned about protecting your son and inspiring him to follow religious values because that was all that you knew, I am presuming.
Of course you reinforced that you love Ryan hoping that Ryan and God would work out a remedy, but what you didn’t get at the time was that GOD had no fix– it was who he was and that could not change so there was nothing for God to fix. How could you have known? You religion had not taught you to go that deep; you had not entered that classroom yet. There was no way for you to know this without having the initial personal experience and that came about when Ryan left home, then the light bulb came on. It was driven home by his absent and I can’t see how awareness could have taken place otherwise and by focusing on gayness you failed to embrace him totally although you through you had. You said the right things, you thought—you love person but not the sin, that was the mistake and it was a mistaken understanding born of a mistaken religious opinion that many share. For certain this painful experience prepared you for something, whatever it is Ryan played his part and then crossed over. You were left behind with far more wisdom to take to next level.
The key was, once you recognized the error and understood it fully, your error was rectified and when Ryan called after 18 months, you confirmed to him that you would accept him and whoever was his choice. At that point Ryan got the answer and the confirmation he desired, so before his death he discovered that he was loved unconditionally. Ordinarily, this story could have had a happy ending, there was no reason it shouldn’t have, other than the fact that Ryan hooked up with his past and he made the error of assuming he could handle it and he could not. Obviously the temptation was too great. So, do we blame you for not understanding and blame you for setting in motion his drug use, or do we blame Ryan for reuniting with old friends? Life is a mystery in this respect, so blaming is inappropriate, understanding, attempting to make sense of painful situations and learning from it, is the most we can do.
Of course, it was unfortunate that Ryan relapsed back into drug with members from his past after a brief healing; on that note, you and your family have my deepest sympathy. Don’t be too hard on yourself because your hearts were in the right place. What I fine so admirable about your letter which is seldom the case in today’s society, is having the courage to share your story. I was impressed with the graceful and mature manner in which you answered your critics—“well done.” You stepped out naked and took ownership for what you felt you had done to wrong your son. You even took the harsh criticisms of being blamed for your son’s death with compassion, even though you are still grieving.
People die from brutality daily, there are those who carried out premeditated and immoral assaults on human life, knowing they are wrong but they would rather murder the massager or annihilate any sign of goodness or justice before admitting to themselves or anyone that they are wrong. Much of the problems we are facing in our world are because there are very few “adults” acting like “adults.” It takes a mature person to admit an err, and do it openly, knowing that in doing so one is opening self-up to ridicule, some warranted and some unwarranted. If more people of the world step forward and admit to their wrongdoing and learn from the err the world would be a better place, so I am certain that Ryan is looking down smiling and proud he had an opportunity to be your son.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t blame you for doing what you thought was right. I can only love my parents (deceased) that much more for loving me and accepting me without reserve.
Linda,
Thank You for sharing a very personal life experience. As a gay man I can not judge you or your husband, that alone is for God to do. I do want to Thank you for sharing a valuable lesson for others to learn from. You could have sat back and done nothing, but put yourself out there to share and hopefully help others who have and will have a child come out to them, that is courageous. Even though it was only 10 months your son had to know what a change you had made in your acceptance of him.
As a parent I can not imagine what it is like to loose a child, but as a sibling I do know. I saw the impact on my parents when my oldest brother was killed in a freak accident. My father lost his faith, but you have kept yours and with faith we know we will be reunited again. I don’t understand why life happens as it does, or how we all fit into God’s plans for us, you have taken a painful experience and shared it so honestly.
If you have eased the pain for just one child you have done a incredible job, if more (and I am sure you will have a great effect through your writings) you are saving other lives. Thank You so much! I have to believe it has not been easy for you, but others have not walked in your shoes and what gives them the right to judge you?
Again, Thank You for your courage.
Charlie
Thank you, Charlie, for your words and your compassion. I am so sorry about your brother; anytime someone dies unexpectedly and too young it is a tragic and unspeakable loss. I am thankful to join you in faith that we will be reunited again.