2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”

1. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Your story is truly one of miracles- You have learned to love. I am sure Ryan knows this as well and is happy. Ignore those who criticize you for they are without love, just pray that someday they to will learn the true meaning of Love. Hopefully in not so painful of a way.

   Stay strong and stay close.

   God bless you and yours.

2. As a Christian and a person who has Gay family members. I GET IT!!!
   I posted a letter on Facebook and sent a letter to my Gay: cousins and my sister apologizing for my words, attitude, body language etc. It is hard as a believer to have been taught by a man in a pulpit for YRS how WRONG being Gay is. I just keep asking Jesus what would you do? I am a work in progress and I still struggle with the subject. You are NOT ALONE!!!
   I am sorry the church has been so hard. God knows!

3. As someone who grew up gay in the Midwest in the 1980s/90s, when even less was known about homosexuality, I have a great deal of well-earned anger to let go of. I’m a writer, and because my wit was one of my few defense mechanisms against bullying as a kid, I’m a little too sharp-tongued for my own good. The recent hate crimes in PA nearly gave my fingers a cramp firing off so many hateful missives and ill-wishes to the people who could harm someone for their sexual identity.

   But today I read your open letter to the people who’ve expressed their hatred. I’ve read that, and this original post, countless times. And I’m overwhelmed. Not by your mistakes or my own anger at Christianity. I’m overwhelmed by your grace, your humanity, your eloquence, and your devotion to making life easier for people like Ryan and me.

   I wish I had more healing, prophetic words to share. I just want to thank you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, for dedicating your life to such necessary good. There’s a horrible divide between religion and sexual identity, and there shouldn’t be.

   Regardless of how other people on the left might feel entitled to condemn or insult you, I want you to know that, above all, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope I never know that kind of anguish. I can relate to so much of your initial way of thought after Ryan came out, because I had some of those conversations with my own mother. And she is an amazing, loving woman, one with whom I am now very close. I’m grateful that’s the case, because I know how easily the tide could have turned in our relationship.

   I hope this great work you are doing brings you some sort of peace and happiness. You deserve it, because you learned a painful lesson, and instead of taking that grief and disappointment, or the vitriol from perfect strangers, and letting it keep you down, you made yourself very vulnerable, sharing deep pain, so that others could avoid it. Thank you, Linda. I would give you a huge hug if I could.

   • Chase, I wish I could give YOU a hug…I just read your comment out loud to my husband and we are both crying. Thank you so much for your grace and your love, in spite of all the pain you’ve endured from people who didn’t get it…people just like us.
     You are a beautiful, wise writer…everyone who shares your world is blessed. What an incredible person you are.

     • Dear Ms. Robertson,
       As a gay man, a former pastor,a parent, and mental health professional working in the addictions field I want you to know how much I respect your courage and mourn your loss. Your story moved me to tears. Many of us in the gay community have suffered at the “ministry” of well-meaning Christians. It drove me away from the church and I’m unlikely to ever return, but your story give me hope people are waking up. I’m so happy your family had the 10 months of healing. That was a grace. While Ryan’s pain might have influenced him to begin drug use, once an addiction is in place it takes on a life of it’s own quite independent of what may have come before – good, bad, or indifferent. I say this only to say to you – and others here – that your son did not die from your failures as a parent. You and your husband had already addressed that in your own lives and were healing the relationship and the wounds of the past. The fact he called and came home shows how much you and Ryan’s father had changed. Addiction is a baffling and powerful condition subverting the mind needed to address it. It can be overcome with support and care, but it is hard. Ryan sounds like a wonderful person who did what many people with addictions do especially early on, he relapsed. Tragically, that relapse was just one time too many. My heart breaks for you and your whole family, but your courage in sharing this can heal many hearts. I can’t help but believe that Ryan would be proud of you all over again. Blessings to you all.

       • Thank you, Allan, for your understanding and grace.

4. I’ll be honest, my initial reaction to your story was a desire to hurt you. I’m not proud of that.

   My parents divorced when I was 5, shortly after my father married a born-again woman, and became “saved” himself. My experiences in that faith as a child were awful. I was routinely taught fear and shame, delivered in the guise of God’s love. I struggled for a long time before I walked away from it all. To this day, I have very little respect for my father, and rarely communicate with him. I don’t struggle any longer with pain, I’ve moved past most of it, although the scars are still there.

   Now, I’m entering middle-age, and I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful four-year old daughter. I can’t even begin to imagine how my father made the choices that he did. And truth be told, I can’t imagine how you made the choices that you did.

   That being said, I admire your choice to take your experience, which I am sure is painful beyond anything I can imagine, and use it to help others. You have made a choice to take tragedy, and use it as an opportunity to put love and understanding into the world. A lot of people wouldn’t have that strength or clarity.

   I believe you are suffering, as are others. Those that want to wound you further are most likely suffering themselves. Please continue to put love and understanding into the world. Every little bit helps.

5. I am so sorry for your loss. He knew you loved him.

6. Wow. What a brave mother you are to share with the world a time, as we all have, that you made the wrong choice or decision in parenting your child. Unfortunately for you, that decision had tragic consequences. I certainly would not want to dig through the days when I reacted too quickly, pushed my opinion on my children or behaved badly. That is Gods grace in you that you are able to reveal yourself in that way so that you may help others. Your son may have moved on to a better place but perhaps that is because his job was done here on earth. You were the student and he was your teacher. I think you deserve an A+. And so does he. Prayers that you are at peace.

7. I’m sorry you’ve received so much hate. People are so often deeply angry, and many of them justifiably so. I can imagine that some, at least, must see in you their own parents who betrayed them, who perhaps never truly loved them at all. You will never forget but try to forgive yourselves, as it sounds like the God you describe would wish you to do. I do not believe in a god, but I ask you to please continue reaching out to Christians and people of faith because you will, as I’m sure you realise, save lives by doing so. Thank you for sharing your story, it is important, and I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

   With love,

   Tristan

8. ma’am,
   your story is heartbreaking and also inspiring. you’ve taken tragedy and turned it into something positive. i am sure your son would be proud of you. when i came out to my parents i was fortunate that they embraced it but i fully appreciate parents who at one time had a difficult time accepting but have changed their hearts and their minds. you are doing god’s work by spreading the message of love, tolerance and acceptance. my heart breaks for your loss and the years you spent spiritually separated from your son before your realization. i don’t say that as judgement i say that as a testament to the power of faith and the strength of your character. most would have tried to mask their mistakes but you have embraced them as a catalyst for change. you are brave and you are appreciated. may god bless you and your family and continue to provide a source of strength and support for you while you fight for tolerance and understanding.

9. This is amazing. I would love to have you on my site The Manifest-Station. http://www.theManifestStation.net. xx

10. Linda,
    You sound like a good mother to me. I guess its a matter of perspective, but at least you always loved your son and tried to do what’s best, however flawed. My family truly does not love me, and that is far, far worse. I’ve learned to accept going through life unloved and unlovable (except for my dogs). Take heart in the fact that you gave your son love while he was here.
    Michael

    • Oh, Michael…this breaks my heart. You are so kind…I LOVE YOU!!

11. I’m sure nothing I’m saying here hasn’t been said before, but I’m hoping to help outweigh negativity here with positive thoughts. So with that in mind, I would like to say that I am so very sorry for all of the pain your family has experienced and for everything your son went through, as I understand it was only your intent to help him. What a tragic story, but what beautiful growth will continue to come from it, as you offer a very unique and powerful perspective on issues regarding religion and sexuality. You beg a perspective check from families who think they are doing the right thing for their children, and you remind the rest of us who hate them for their mistakes that we are all people, trying to do our best and learning along the way. I am sad for your son, I am sad for you, and I don’t care what part you played before because you are a human, you are trying, and you have good intent in your heart. That isn’t always enough to make things come out right, but it is enough for forgiveness and it is certainly enough to affect positive change. I am sure your son is very, very proud of you. And, as selfish as this may sound, please know that, as a gay man with parents struggling to come to terms with my sexuality at this moment, I take some comfort in the fact that you have made such a turn-around. It gives me hope for my own family and I am proud of you for finding your way to love before the end. Life is strange and not always fair, you may have had the veil lifted late in the game, but I am sure it meant the world to your son that you had a chance for some healing. You may feel badly, but you cannot live with such weight and guilt upon your shoulders for the rest of your lives. Your son wanted to move away from sadness and pain, so I doubt that heaping it upon yourselves would make him very happy. I know you can never move on from losing a child, but at least let go of the guilt and remember him for the good more than anything. Keep perspective and know that you have affected me and you will be in my thoughts in the future, I wish you nothing but positivity and light.

    • Bless you, Greg…your kindness is so appreciated. Praying for your family tonight…to realize what an amazing son they have.

12. MY FIRST DESIRE WAS TO KICK YOU, BUT I WAS TAUGHT NOT TO KICK THE FALLEN, I AM SO SORRY YOU DIDN´T GOT A CHANCE TO REALLY ENJOY YOUR SON, AND I AM SURE YOUR PAIN FOR LOSING HIM IS HUGE, I HOPE THAT YOU FIND THE PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU DENIED RYAN, IT´S VERY EASY TO SAY ” I LOVE YOU” BUT OH DEAR GOD, IS SO HARD TO REALLY SHOW IT……MAY HE REST IN PEACE AND MAY YOU AND YOUR CHURCH COMMUNITY FIND IT ALSO

13. To you and your family, my deepest sympathies. I cannot imagine your pain since I am not a parent. But being a gay male who is also a recovering addict, I can say that I was incredibly moved by your story. It’s easy for people to point to the negative and try to shine the brightest light on just that aspect, but that’s not what happened. I can say from experience of burying more than a few friends to the disease of addiction, struggling myself for twelve years with crystal meth, it’s just that one time that can kill. It does so indiscriminately. In the end you became the parents your son had thought you were, maybe even more. I’d be proud to have you as parents. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. The truly great thing is to learn from those mistakes and affect change. You’re doing that. Thank you for that.

14. Just saw your story. We ALL make mistakes and I think you two felt like you were doing your best, that’s what matters and the reason nobody should lash out at you, I know how devastating that can be even online, but can’t imagine it right after you’ve lost your son. When you reconnected with your son after his disappearance you touched a nerve with me because that’s how I felt when my wife came back after disappearing. I just wanted the person I loved and to throw out all of those societal constructs that we use to define each other. At that point your son came back, you were fine with 15 boyfriends you said, I thought that was genuine.

    I’m not looking for consensus but I was raised pentecostal and while I’ve completely disassociated myself from this program, I saw many similarities with your story. There is such a strong genetic imprinting going on at young ages all wrapped up in potent fears of eternal damnation that most people never gain the ability to think beyond that. I was different, I learned to question everything and immersed myself in academics and that helped tremendously to finally, years later, reject those absolute black and white tenets of modern religion. I know that it’s all created by humanity and that religion and the bible are very fallible and fluid. Plenty of good comes out of the church to be fair but studying anthropology, biology, astronomy, evolution, logic and the like helped me get beyond religion.

    I was 12 when I realized I was attracted to the male physique, which I believe is common for young guys. I never told anyone because I was also attracted to girls and I kept that part of me bottled up (yes there were consequences to bottling things up, it’s not healthy). But I had very homophobic parents and it seemed the best course. I just cringed at my mom’s gay bashing (my dad was less judgmental, ironically he is not religious at all). My mom is devout, and full of religious zeal.

    So I ended up somewhere in the middle, bisexual by some people’s definition. I think what I went through and how it played out caused me to be very unstable in certain ways. My academics propelled me to success in business and I’ve always had that. In relationships though, it’s been different. I’ve ping-ponged between intimate relationships with people my whole life, mainly women but my gay side has always been there too. I struggle with commitment, lots of reasons.

    And then I found someone, fell in love and got married. You know what? I lost her the same way you lost your son. Drug overdose. After she came back to me we found ourselves wanting to start a family a year later, things were amazing, we got pregnant. An old friend reappeared, I watched it unfold and it happened pretty fast. I lost her and the baby inside her. That was 12 years ago. I’m older now, 48. Hardest thing ever.

    But I have to tell you, your about face is remarkable. You put aside what you knew was wrong, fundamentalist ‘teachings’ and just committed to loving your son at the end. I don’t have that from my mom. She is all over anything that would even potentially indicate gay or bi like a fly on you know what. It’s humiliating and usually happens in public. Stuff like ‘you’ve lost weight, I hope you don’t have anything’. (The thinly veiled reference here is: AIDS). Or ‘you walk like (insert gay pop icon)’. I know there are rumors that have gotten back to her about me hooking up with guys on the down low because I have. But I have to tell you, even if girlfriends have found out, they never humiliated me over it. I think her attitude’s probably got a lot to do with my sexuality and how it formed, which we’ve never discussed and nor do I even want to. It’s been a palpable situation but I hurt tremendously over the lack of love because I do love her in spite of it.

    I understand that simple people can get so caught up in religion that they lose sight of what’s really important. It’s just that: (like you said) love someone because they’re breathing, period. I’ll never have that from my mom. But I do have it from my dad and sisters so that’ll have to be good enough.

    I don’t think you and your husband should be ashamed of your past mistakes. We all make severe mistakes in life, nobody is immune. You got the chance to correct that mistake and you ran with it, he knew you loved him when he died. The drug relapse was something too powerful to control for him. I go back home next week, already full of nerves, I hate the tension, there’s nothing I can say or do. If I died, I would die unresolved because the person I came from resents or hates me. Your son though, was at peace. I’m hoping for that some day.

    • I am hoping with you, Mark. ❤

15. I have a gay son. I am devoutly Christian. Thank you, thank you for these timely words. My heart breaks for you and your husband, but please know that you helped one kid tonight by speaking to his parents.

    • Les, your comment has made my night…if nobody else reads our story, it doesn’t matter. If there is any way we can encourage you in your journey to reconcile your faith with your love for your son, please find me on FaceBook (Linda Mueller Robertson)…there are many of us out there, Christ-followers who are learning how to really love our gay kids.

16. The work you are doing is so important, and such a testament to your love for your son. You never stopped loving him, you never showed him hate, you just tried to follow what you believed. And now you realize you were misled and mistaken. I think you should forgive yourself. I’m so sorry for all of you.

17. Sorry, forgot to also say DO talk to Ryan as if he is in front of you and tell him everything you want him to know, you may cry tears of relief in doing so. And rest assured we have no concept of how our Loving and Mysterious God works…Ryan very well might be exactly there when you need him to hear you, and if you believe deeply in miracles, you may even somehow experience his presence or acknowledgement—little kids often do.

    • Thank you, Donna…we do believe in miracles (we had a lot of them in the hospital); thank you for reminding me to believe that God can do whatever He wants to…especially when it comes to the thin veil between Heaven and earth. Much love to you, Donna.

18. To a fellow MOM and family:

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I felt your love in every word and I hope you know that I believe in your sincerity and your strong faith.

    I am a lesbian who adopted the little girl of my ex-boyfriend when she was a baby (I went through a “stage” of sorta-straightness). I also recently married my partner. I love my now-ten-year-old daughter who is growing in her faith and identity. I don’t think she is gay but I hope to God that she is never hurt because of who my wife and I are, and I hope she will feel secure and normal in whoever she grows up to be. I hope we can teach her good things and show her to love others and accept and embrace differences.

    What you have shown me is a growing faith, lessons learned, and amazing courage. Your words will be an example for others and a testament to goodness. Do not listen to people who hate. Forgive them– they are angry or feel betrayed, or they don’t understand where you are coming from.

    Thank God for children. They are our best teachers at times.

    From one mom to another– I send my love to you.

    • Callisto…sending my love right back to you. You are so right…our children teach us so very, very much. ❤

19. What happened to you , your family, and Ryan is too cruel for words
    And for writing the amazing letter I read in the Huffington Post, you made Ryan proud. I am a 54 year old gay male who still is too afraid to reveal my sexuality to my sister, cousins , etc. . My sister goes to a church that makes it clear gays do not belong. I found a church that says we all belong. Accepting Christ as our Savior is what Christianity is about to me – helping one another, being good to one another. Not hurling stones at one another. And in my view none of us- on the left or on the right have any right to hurl stones at you. You need to forgive yourself. What you are doing now – understanding those of us who are gay, reaching out to those who may not understand doesn’t bring Ryan back, but it does make him proud. I knew I was ” different ” as long as I can remember . I didn’t have half the courage Ryan did. You have been threw more than you deserve in the way you lost Ryan. I am ashamed of any fellow gay man or gay woman who would run salt in your wound. Your letter is testament that Ryan always had a loving mother even if you didn’t understand what Ryan was going through back then. Please find ways to forgive yourself. I am sure Ryan forgives you, and God forgives you for any mistake you may have made. Ryan also made mistakes. We all have. Helping those of us who are still here by communicating with those who thought like you did years ago does a world of good. It doesn’t bring Ryan back, it doesn’t take away your pain, but your goodness, your positive help is a way of showing your love for your son. You mentioned your other children. Be the good mom you are for them . Your letter made me very sad for you , for Ryan and for those who have suffered rejection in more profound ways. Thank you for being who you are. We in the gay community are blessed to have you as a friend.
    God Bless you and your family
    Gary

    • Gary…I am blessed to have YOU as a friend. You sound like a wonderful man. ❤

20. Wow. I am a father of two teenagers. I didn’t come out until I was 30 (8 years ago now) devastating a godly woman and creating adds for my kids to have to go through.
    I had prayed, sought counsel, since I was 9 years old. I prayed for 20 years for God to take away my pain, my attraction, or to kill me. I so wanted to die.
    I wasn’t able to talk with anyone in my church, or either of my parents, because I knew I would be thrown out of my family.
    By age 30, I could no longer live this way. I had taken away 10 years of her life and made both of us miserable.
    I have no relationship with my parents or my brother– I was removed from our church role and disowned when I came out.
    I was so angry at God— I spent 5 years hating Him for putting this in my life– and hating my parents for their cruelty.
    Then, I sought Him again. About 3 years ago He renewed my heart, he gave me peace. And that is because of my ex wife—
    While everyone else hated me, despised me, rejected me– she continued to show me grace. She made sure our kids were around me. She had dinner with me. She married a wonderful man who befriended me …
    I met the love of my life nearly 3 years ago. We just got married. We go to church together. He loves me. He lives our kids.
    I have forgiven my parents and my brother. While they choose still to act as if I am dead, I have— for once in my lifetime– learned the joy that it is to LIVE….
    I eternally grateful that God loves me– that Jesus saved me– and that I didn’t die—
    Your message– your heart– this is what I so longed to hear my parents say—
    I hope and pray to parent my children with the grace, humility, and unconditional love that you have shown….
    Ryan lives on through you… And in each one of us that you minister to with your story.
    God bless you. And thank you.
    Sorry this is so long.

    • WOW. Please, no apology…your story is sacred. And hearing about your ex-wife, Ace, and how God has brought you into such a beautiful marriage…WOW. I am so thankful, too, that Christ saved you and you have lived to know His love and to share it with the world. You are a gift.

21. Mrs. Robertson,

    When I was 11, I arranged for my father to “stumble” on the fact I had been the victim of molestation by a neighborhood man for over three years. His, and my mother’s reaction was to beat me nearly to within an inch of my life (the only time I heard my mother really swear was when she made my father stop punching me; she said: “Jim, stop it, you’re going to f*****g kill him, and he’s not worth it!”). That night, in October of 1970, my mother told me: “Don’t you ever kiss me with that mouth again.” She died in February, 2009. I never did kiss her again. After that night in 1970, both my parents occasionally reminded me how much they hated me, using those words: “I hate you.” My father said: “I have to take care of you until you’re 18, but the day you turn 18, you’re out of my house.”

    My mother began telling me how much I had shamed her; she was the laughingstock of the neighborhood. Within a month, she had our house for sale. Within two months, it sold, on a 30-day escrow. In a matter of days, they found a 30-acre farm 50 miles away and purchased it. When my sisters asked why we were moving, Mom would tell them: “Thank your brother for this. It’s his fault.” You can, possibly, imagine I was NOT the most favored member of my family.

    From the time I was 11, I started drinking. By high school, I was a functional, daily, falling-down drunk. After high-school, out of that house, it got completely out-of-hand. I flunked out of my first college in New Mexico, had to move back home for a year; went to work and got an apartment, then attempted suicide (ending up in ICU for five days). Lost the job, had to move back home, went back to school for a year… that cycle continued for six years, complete with a second suicide attempt. In that cycle, I had managed to move to Los Angeles and get a job with a telecommunications company. They sent me on a year-long assignment to Weirton, WV. Weirton is directly across the river from Steubenville, OH… where my parents were then living.

    It all came to a head in 1984. The install in Weirton was coming to an end. I was offered the opportunity to stay on-site as tech support. I had gone on a few dates with a local man, and we seemed to have chemistry. My parents — with whom I had lived for the previous year, allowing me to save my weekly per-diem an car rental pay — and I seemed to be getting along. My drinking was back under control (meaning I wasn’t passing out in the back seat of my car in some parking lot every night). On a Friday night in that October, in 1985, I went out for the evening, met the man I had been dating… and went back to his place for the night.

    Saturday morning, I got home, and things between my parents and I were tense. Then the phone rang, Dad picked it up… and started yelling: “You G***damned f****t, don’t you ever call here again, you queer…” slamming down the phone, after a few more epithets, so hard he cracked the plastic body of the Trimline phone from earpiece to mouthpiece. Then, the shouting started, followed by a punch or two to my face.

    I picked up the phone, called TWA, made a one-way reservation to LA for a flight leaving Pittsburgh in four hours and packed. My father said if I left, I was out of their lives, forever. I left.

    For twenty four years there was absolutely no contact from any of my family members. Occasionally, I would call one of them on a birthday or a Christmas… but after the first couple of years, gave it up. There were no birthday wishes, no Christmas greetings, no familial chats. Absolutely nothing.

    In February, 2009, my mother died. The last time I saw her was in October, 1984. I have nieces and nephews and brothers-in-law I’ve never met. I was expressly disallowed from visiting my mother when she was on her deathbed (where she lingered for weeks), yet her obituary proudly exclaimed she passed away “surrounded by her entire loving family.”

    In May, 2009, my father’s sister invited my father to her home in Beckley, WV for Mother’s Day Weekend. Her son, David, invited my husband and I to his home in Beckley for the same weekend. David’s home was constructed on land he had purchased from his Mom — a parcel of land in the “back 10” of her 20 acres. Through their intervention, my father and I were able to share a peaceful weekend together. He met, and actually liked, my husband (he even told his sister, after we had left, he could tell my husband “was good for” me.) On Mother’s Day, I asked if he wanted to go see a movie; he said yes. It just happened that weekend was also the opening weekend (or, at most, the second weekend) for the “Star Trek” re-boot film. My father was an avid fan of the original “Star Trek,” so that was the movie we went to see. For the first time in decades, he was my Dad again. On our trip home to Georgia, I told my husband: “If I never see him again, this will have to be enough… and I can live with it.” That was prophetic; though I called him, weekly, from that point on, I never did see him again. He died in September, 2010, on what would have been my mother’s 71st birthday.

    What’s odd is my parents were not religious people. They didn’t have a problem with homosexuality because of religious reasons… and while, as an adult, I’m curious about (and have my suspicions) the cause of such hatred, as a kid all I knew was my own parents hated me, and made my sisters hate me, as well, so there must be something really screwed up with me. That, along with a physical birth defect that already made me the target of derision from schoolmates, and my entire life was a living hell. I can honestly say that from the time I was 11, in real-life “problem solving,” one of the possible means that would come to mind in solving any particular problem was the though of suicide. In high school, I climbed into our hayloft one day with my shotgun, then took off my shoe and sock… and broke down crying, finally “wussing out.” Twice, in my 20s, I swallowed a bottle of Nytol with copious amounts of alcohol. The first time, I somehow ended up at a hospital and in the ICU for five days; the second time, I just got sick… the manufacturers had changed the formula, making their product as non-lethal as possible.

    But while I never saw my mother again; something strange did happen. On the Friday before she died (she died on a Tuesday), while I was away from my phone, I got a call from a phone in my mother’s area code. It was a number I didn’t recognize. I called it back, expecting it to be a motel where my sister was staying, since a voice-mail from that sister coincided with the time that number had called in. Instead… my Mom answered the phone. She was tired; her voice was weak. She had just woken up, and was alone. We talked, but not for long… just long enough for me to say, in tears, that I was sorry if she thought I’d ever done anything to hurt her, and tell her I loved he. She also apologized to me, and told me she loved me. Then she had to hang up. I learned later, from her sister, she went into a coma Saturday around five PM, and died Tuesday night without waking up. I talked to her Saturday, around 4PM… so I was one of the last people to talk to her.

    I admit; I didn’t like my parents very much. Everything about the three of us, and our interactions, was complicated. I know they didn’t like me very much, either. But I can’t think of them now without starting to tear up — and I simply can’t watch the “Star Trek” re-boot film without crying. Their lives ended with a general dislike for each other, but also with a genuine love for each other.

    I’m sorry for the length of this. But don’t let the haters — from either the right or the left — wear on your heart and soul. You love your son. At times, you didn’t like him. You’re human.

    Eric Payne
    Lawrenceville, GA

    • Eric, I think you are perhaps the most gracious and forgiving person I have ever heard of…the way you have responded to your life is an example and a challenge for me. You left, made your own life, and have married and met a wonderful man…but you stayed open and forgiving…WOW. Thank you for your grace, thank you for your story. I am amazed by you.

      • Thank you. But I have to disagree with you; there’s nothing “gracious” nor “forgiving”, there’s just me, trying to get through life. Re-reading my comment to you, I realize I didn’t say something I wanted to say, so (for what it’s worth), here it is:

        No one can tell you what the future might have held for either you or your son. I think, though, just because you’re a rational human being, the same questions of the teaching of your faith in relation to your son would have eventually arisen, and you would have come to the same conclusions his death forced upon you. It’s when a person doesn’t question… when a mindless lemming simply runs over that cliff into purposeful ignorance… that’s when and where the trouble starts. Eventually, obviously, you would have seen that your son had the same goals in life as your other children. You couldn’t have helped but notice he lived his life the same way everyone else did — with no difference between everyone else in the world, except for in the most private physical/emotional interactions with others. So you would have questioned, tentative feelers for a reconciliation would have been extended. I’m quite certain that in the real-life game of Life, though you would have taken the long way around the board, you’d still have ended-up in the same place.

22. Linda. my name is Justin. I wanted to start by introducing myself. I am a gay man, 35 years old & new to your story. as most of us in the LGBTQ community have. I’ve had a diverse set of experiences from horrific to extatic. being gay in this world sentances one to that. there will be trauma & hate. there just will be. i am not a religious man. in any way & my parents are not either. though that did not make my coming out at 15 easy. it’s never easy. my mom, who I have always been very close to, mourned the loss of the future she hoped for me. she feared how I would be treated & mistreated. she cried everyday for quite some time. it’s never easy. so that’s a bit about me & where I’m coming from.
    I read both articles on huffpost & watched the entire presentation both of you gave. I knew I wanted to respond in some way. but I wanted to know as much as I could first. after taking it all in I just want to tell you how I feel. I’m no sage or holy man. no therapist or priest. I only know how I feel & where I’ve been.
    the first thing I want to say is I am so sorry for your loss and for Ryan’s loss. I imagine there is no greater pain than losing a child & no greater loss than the loss of ones future. Ryan lost his future. he lost his life. so first I am so sorry for all the loss, despair & anguish that all of you have felt, including Ryan.
    the next strongest thing I feel is hope that you can move toward forgiving yourselves. you will always suffer from this loss. you will always have pain. I just hope someday the pain of your loss will no longer be compounded by the punishing thoughts you feel toward yourselves. you know where & how you were wrong. there is no need to point it out. but your intentions were pure & you did not demonstrate hate or rejection of Ryan’s humanity. you did not put him out & tell him you didn’t love him. the outcome was still a tragedy. but it does matter that you were trying. we are all wrong sometimes. you got a really shitty roll of the dice regarding the outcome of your error. you could have done much worse by him.
    as I said before. I am not a religious man. but if you’re right & I’m wrong. I’m certain God forgives you. you are using Ryan’s & your story to help others. you are saving other kids. Ryan will never come back. but some other family is being spared the same tragic outcome because you have shared so openly. you have opened yourself up to hate, happily. just so others may learn. it is an extraordinary thing. a humble thing.
    please keep sharing! tell everyone who will listen for the rest of your days. that is Ryan’s legacy. that is his truth. he is saving lives through you. wherever Ryan is. he is proud of you. I truly believe that. just never stop giving him voice. it’s how he lives on.
    I hope you find some peace in this life.
    JT

    • JT…I won’t ever forget your words: “That is Ryan’s legacy. That is his truth…just never stop giving him voice…” WOW. I will never forget those words. Thank you SO much.

23. Well, I read your piece, and I related to a lot of it. I was kicked out of BIOLA for being gay back in 1978. I was a freshman. I “came out” to my parents, and much like you, they reacted the same. I tried for a bit to “get better,” I even went to Exodus. Met Mike Bussie, he came onto me. Went to Love in Action in San Rafael, CA. Had a lot of sex with the other young guys in the program. Finally I just gave up. And like Ryan started drinking and drugging. Did not see my parents for years. They also did not know where I was.

    I spent the 33 years in and out of mental hospitals, attempting suicide many times, always drinking and drugging. On July 9th, 2013 I attempted suicide again. This time the doctors did not think I would make it. I was in a coma for three days. Amazingly, I woke up.

    My Higher Power had allowed me to live for some reason. The God I had given up on back in 1978 became real to me. Not in a phoney religious way, but deep down in side. I was at peace finally. I went to a treatment center, then a recovery house. I have been active in AA since then.

    I don’t necessarily agree with the Jesus bit anymore, but I do know that there is something out there for us all. I am sorry you have experienced so much hate from the left and from the right. One thing I know about Jesus’ life was that He was hated by many. Taking a stand makes you a target for sure. Keep on being true to your vision, it helps many for sure.

    Mark

    • So thankful you lived, Mark…it breaks my heart that you went to Biola (as did I, and our three surviving children) and were treated so poorly. Your story reminds me of why it is so important for us to support the LGBTQ students at Biola and all conservative Christian schools…they need us. Keep telling your story…the straight Christian world needs to hear it. You are one of far, far too many.

24. I think much of the vitriol stems from saying “learning to love” you son when it is obvious you always did love him. I think it is more prudent to say you were learning to understand your son. There is a huge difference and they are completely mutually exclusive. I also see atheists berating you about your belief system. I am also an atheist but I have witnessed the strength of the belief in God and I understand no one should ever berate anyone about the beliefs that one holds so dear. You have put yourself out there to help others in similar situations when you could have chosen to remain silent. This shows great strength and character. Many do not understand how the loving for something that is not even tangible can outweigh the love for a tangible person. I admit that I do not understand this myself but it is not my place to judge anyone at all. It is no one’s place to judge. I see you have learned this in the most painful of ways. The key to peace is all people accepting everyone whether we agree with them or understand them. You, Linda, are showing complete acceptance of all of those here, even when their words are vicious and hurtful. Please cut yourself a break. You are living with far more love and acceptance in your heart today than many can even comprehend. Your story made me cry and I admit I started to read it feeling contemptuous… which only proves I have a lot to learn from you when it comes to acceptance.
    -Kit

    • Yes…learning to UNDERSTAND. That is what I want…thank you, Kit, for listening and trying to understand a little of our journey. I am touched by your grace & kindness.

25. Thank you for learning to do better and for changing what you can. Thank you for your honesty and for now honoring your beautiful son. Thank for being educators, for teaching past lies that many others still teach. I am one of two mamas in our beautiful little family and I read your Huff Post story, settled in bed next to our sleeping, sick three year old. Our sweet 18 year old is up the road in her dorm. They are my life. Nothing feels as sickening as letting our children down and I can’t imagine the grief that comes with understanding too late – my heart is broken for your son, for you. I have no understanding of your life before, but am thankful for who you have become. What a beautiful way to honor your son and, truly, find God.

    • Bless you, Shaw…I am picturing your two girls…one in her bed, the other in her dorm…what blessed daughters to have two such wonderful moms.

26. Linda,

    My heart ached when I read your original story. I read it close to the same time Michael Morales attempted to hang himself, 11 year old boy bullied for liking My Little Pony. The way Michael’s mother described him was exactly how I would describe our child. In less than a week, my kiddo will turn 10 years old. In May this year, he came out as gay. Two months ago, he started exploring gender identity. There is no guideline for raising children, a step by step guide book. Then add in sexual orientation, gender expression and gender identity into the mix and all bets are off. One of my greatest fears is that my child will succumb to self-destructive behavior.

    I want to extend my heart to you, your husband and family the grief you’ll forever navigate. It’s my personal belief that you have a powerful message that is critically important to hear. Judging others is not my place, never has been. And that doesn’t lead any of us to being able to have meaningful dialog. I admire your honesty, vulnerability and grace. May the work we do make significant impacts.

    Compassionately,

    Lisa J. Keating

    • Lisa, I am honored to meet you; Your children are so blessed to have you as their mom. I just glanced at your blog, and see that your family loved the book Wonder as much as all of us did…wish you and I could have coffee and talk. Tonight, I go to bed praying for your Morgan, that Morgan will always love himself and know that God loves him, too.

27. You didn’t deserve your GAY son, that’s the truth. He was your son, why did you feel the need to judge him or not allow him to accept himself? Its too late for you now. I’m sorry for Ryan and that he had to battle with addiction to cope with the bullshit you diluted his mind with. Speaking from a parents point of view I would never condemn my child to a future like that. I love my child regardless, now if he turns into a bigot asshole or rapist killer that might be different. Tolerance and love is where its at, why in the world would you torture your son like that? As a parent and as a person why would you do such a thing? Why would you use a old book to destroy a young persons life? Clearly you are getting yours right now, judge and be judged.

    • You are right, Rachel…it is too late for me now. But it isn’t too late for other to learn from my mistakes, and that is what I am hoping for.
      Best to you, Rachel.

      • No, Rachel is not right at all. In fact, she contradicts herself. “I would never condemn my child to a future like that. I love my child regardless…” and then: “now if he turns into a bigot asshole or rapist killer that might be different.” So clearly Rachel has a line of what is “tolerable” behavior and what isn’t, and apparently if Rachel doesn’t agree with YOUR line of “tolerance”, you don’t “deserve” your child. Not only is that an awful thing to say, a truly terrible thing to write to any human being, especially one who has lost a child, but is – in and of itself – an intolerant thing to say. Hypocrisy abounds!

        Linda, do not blame yourself for the death of your son. No parent claims a perfect record, and we all could have handled situations better. He made the poor choice, not you. Your job, as a parent, is to train your child up, to teach them of God’s love and Jesus’ salvation. You tried – you did what you thought was best. You made mistakes, but you are not responsible for another person’s decisions. You may have had an influence on them, but you did not make them.

        People like Rachel like to take snippets of the Scripture and twist them for her own purpose. For her “judge and be judged” means “getting yours”, except of course if the child is a “bigot asshole or rapist killer” – then it’s okay to judge them and correct them, I suppose.

        Stand firm in your faith. Cling to what is good. Abhor what is not. Do not be tossed back and forth by the waves, blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.

        Grace and peace to you.

28. Hi Linda

    I Read your letter on Huffington post yesterday, “A Letter to the People Who Hate Us Because of What Happened to Our Gay Son”
    When your story first broke I was one of those people who condemned you. I want to apologise. I just felt angry and heartbroken for what Ryan went through. I myself know exactly what that anguish feels like when people do not understand. I have grown up since then and I have come to learn that we the LGBTQ community should be more patient with our families who do not understand us, acceptance is a process that does not happen overnight. We are all born into a world that misunderstand and denounces homosexuality, and that is not an easy thing to unlearn. I just want to say it is not your fault that your son has passed away, you were a victim of circumstance and only tried to do what you thought was best for Ryan at the time. Nobody wants their child to be harmed or ill treated by society, so obviously you would try to fix the situation. I am sorry for spewing hate at you back then, if I feel this sad for Ryan then I can’t imagine what you and your family are feeling. I believe in heaven and that our souls go there and I think Ryan is very proud of what you are doing for other people.

    I wish you and your family Love, peace and happiness
    Keep up the good work

    • Bless you for your forgiveness and grace. It is all okay..I have learned more about my own son, my brother and many of our friends through those who have been hurt, and so have been angry. And today I have learned more about grace from hundreds of people in the LGBTQ community than I could ever hope to…your example, and that of so many others, has been powerful moving and inspiring. I am encouraged to keep listening and keep learning.

29. I don’t normally comment on blogs, but this time I would really love to thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for loving your son, thank you for eventually accepting who he is, thank you for understanding your mistakes, and thank you for being God’s instrument in sharing his message.

    I don’t want to claim to understand how you feel, but for sure I can understand how your son must have felt when he came home and you accepted him. So many people misunderstand that people who believe in God are bigots who thrive in judging others, when in truth those who truly believe in God are more about loving and acceptance.

30. I challenge you, his parents that have outlived him and challenged him to prove his righteousness when he gathered the courage to be completely true in the hopes that his parents would love him without measure – I challenge you to really do something for Ryan. You two are NOT the victims. You two told your child that he was choosing a path that was wrong, less than, judged and determined to be not ok. And, according to your teachings, he destroyed himself. The cherry picking that homophobic Christians do when it comes to the bible is, as you know, deadly. There is a lot of clear language regarding how we are to treat others, particularly those that are underrepresented/alternative/lacking resources. There is a lot of language about kissing the feet of prostitutes, loving the sick, the meek, etc. there is no language that says being gay is a sin. There is some biblical speak about not lying down with brothers, but the bible also has talking snakes, multiple ghosts, epic floods, clean conceptions, people parting seas, etc etc.

    • You are right, Anna, we are not victims. Not at all. And you are also so right about what the Bible clearly speaks about; Jesus taught that loving God and loving others are the only things that matter, in the end.

31. Linda,

    I am deeply touched by your sad story and understand how painful this experience has been for you. No one should lose a child for any reason. I, too, have lived with that pain as my spouse lost her 20 year old son to suicide a few years ago. It was a very hard and scarring time for us and we miss him everyday.

    My key point is, though, that your sad experience is being repeated day in and day out in America because most Christian churches and pastors hate gay people and just ignore the effects of this hate they preach (or claim it is motivated by love). Ryan would best be honored if you worked to end this campaign of hate, especially from the organized groups that spread this hate widely, like the AFA, Family Research Council and NoM.

    I and my wife have personally felt this hate from our families and we now think of ourselves as orphans. I myself move across country to California, changed my name and have no contact whatsoever with my siblings anymore and plan to keep it that way. To be honest with you, I have also left organized religion as all I see and hear is hate. Personally, I have decided that there is no God as I just cannot see how an all-loving God would allow His representatives to hurt so many people, in His name, without doing something to stop it. For God, stopping this should be easy. But He remains silent. He allows innocent children to be so hurt. Not a very loving parent, in my opinion.

    As to my story, I am a lesbian married to a wonderful woman who I have been with for over 25 years. (For the first 23 years we were forbidden to marry, caused primarily by Christian hate.) I was raised a Catholic, but the following story will explain why I left and want nothing to do with religion. Before I came out my mother died, so she never knew. My father was heartbroken with my mother’s death so I stayed with him back east until he partially recovered (but I did not tell him I was gay as he had too much to deal with then). I then set him up with the mother of my (then) best friends and they married. So far so good. But my brothers and step siblings were all “born again” Christians, to whom I was a demon and “a filthy sodomite”. I had started a successful business in NY with my brothers when I moved back to be with my father and, as soon as I came out, I was unceremoniously fired and kicked out of the family. I never got a chance to come out to my father because my brothers threatened to kill me if I did. So I moved back to California, met my spouse and settled down. About 5 years later, my father, who was 79, developed lung cancer and needed a major operation. No one bothered to tell me until after the operation as he lay dying in the hospital. When I decided to fly home to be with him, I was warned not to bring my spouse “or else they would bar me from the hospital”. Well, I went home alone and got a chance to say goodbye to my dad. He died a week later. When they were planning the funeral, I was told that I was barred from the church and would not be allowed in the family limo (until my step-mother demanded that I be included or else she would not go either – what an honorable woman!!) At the Catholic church ceremony, I was ignore and denied communion with the rest of the family. The priest just walked by me like I was not there. At the graveside, I was also ignored and denied the right to say a few words. There was a family get-together afterward and I was not invited and had no idea where it was. I flew home that evening and swore to never go home again. And to never enter a church again.

    When my wife’s son died, we immediately went to Arizona but we were barred from the funeral by her ex-husband, who was a fundamentalist Christian and blamed my wife’s “lifestyle” for pushing her son to kill himself (he had schizophrenia). We got little to no support from the “good people” of Arizona, who treated us like lepers. After much fighting and shaming (primarily by me), we were allowed our own private 2 person ceremony at the funeral home. We never attended the burial (because no one would tell us when or where it was) and we still have no idea where her son is buried.

    So religion has not been kind or accepting, and has been, in fact, horribly hateful. During the Prop 8 fight here in 2008, the level of hate and lies aimed at me and my spouse just sickened me. I was spit on at the grocery store and my car was keyed. I was called a “pedophile” to my face (because the TV ads said we were). And it was funded and directed primarily by the Mormon and Catholic churches. So much for “love your neighbor”. So I believe, respectfully, that, as a Christian, you should work to end this hate and end these attempts to hurt our families. You have a special position from which to talk directly to the haters from your heart, showing them that their hate has real consequences as well as being an affront to their own supposed Christian values. They won’t listen to people like me because, to them, we are sinners.

    Perhaps in making the world safer for the other Ryans out there, you will find some peace and give meaning to the horrible events you have experienced. Again, my sincere condolences for your tragedy.

    I certainly respect your right to your faith

    • And wow…I sure respect you, Linda…thank you for all that you do, in spite of all the hate you’ve endured at the hands of those who are supposed to be serving a loving God. Rob and I are determined to do our small part, whatever we can, to change the church from within; you couldn’t be more right, as Christians, we should do nothing less.

32. I read your story on Huffpost about Ryan. I see the pain that your family feels. The article on huffpost was very well written and I believe will make others who feel the way you do they will realize we must love and accept our children unconditionally. I hope some day you find peace. Until then keep helping others with your writing. It was inspiring.

33. Thank you Linda for sharing your story. I too am a Christian that came from a conservative Christian home. Our daughter came out when she was 17. We did not handle it well at all! Our story is too long to share on this blog but we’ve learned that love and grace trumps all. We have a good relationship with Deb today and it is a God thing for sure. Do you know of other parents like us where we can share with one another and give support as well? Deb’s story was featured this past year on Huffington Post and we are so proud of her. I have had a difficult time forgiving myself and it has been the biggest regret of my life. Deb has forgiven me, the Lord has forgiven me and I am learning to forgive myself. Thank you for sharing your heart breaking story. You have shown your son that you love him and I believe he knew that before he passed. The one thing I do tell my fellow conservative Christians is that I choose to love. If I make a mistake then let it please be that I loved too much, accepted too much and gave too much mercy and grace to others than to ever be on the other side again. I stand by these words and share them often. I am on facebook and would love to have a forum to talk with others who can relate to this story. Blessings upon you and your husband. Barb

    • Barb…wow…what an amazing mom you are. Thank you so much for sharing, and for understanding. I would love for you to join our private group of Christian moms with LGBTQ children on FaceBook…you’d be such a gift to the group. Find me on FaceBook (Linda Mueller Robertson) so I can tell you more about it!

34. Your courage in sharing your story is astounding. Thank you. I have no doubt it will have a lasting impact.

35. After reading your latest story on Huff post I really wanted to comment here to spread words of kindness. I’m not a parent and therefore could not possibly understand the depths of your pain. I’m the sort of person who is easily angered by those who use God to condemn, I have extended family who do just that. When I first read the story I thought I was going to come out of it angry but instead I felt hope. I felt hope that your words could touch others, that your story could be a realization for others. And while I cannot begin to fathom your pain I want to thank you. As a Gay woman I want to thank you for trying to turn your tragedy into something good. I believe in God. I was raised Catholic but have long abandoned the church in search of my own understanding of the almighty. So I thank you for choosing to show how God loves. How THAT is his true message. You are stronger than so many would be. I can only speak for myself but I hope that a few words of hope and kindness in what you are experiencing is a small light. Keep sharing your story. People need to hear it whether they realize it or not. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Again, thank you for not remaining silent.

    • Thank you, Antoinette…you have given me both kindness and courage.

36. Linda:

    I read your article today on Huffington Post about so many people hating you. I have to say that such attacks on you and your family and especially your son for being gay is ignorant and callous.

    I want to briefly share with you our story. It is not dramatic but it is our story. Our son came out to us this Alpril when he was 13. When he did we were not shocked but still concerned. When he did come out I spoke two things with him. One, keep close to Christ and two, keep the lines of communication open if you are bullied or if you feel depressed and suicidal.

    This may seem odd. I am a conservative Christian who was basically born in church. My wife is strong in her faith as well. Once our son came out we knew we would never shun nor “fix” him. I mean if Jesus does not shun us and the fixing is our souls to know Him, why not focus on this?

    Many do not understand. Neither the Conservatice Christian world nor the LGBTQ world would accept us. We are okay with that.

    You know, you have put yourself out there to challenge parents like us to love our children. God gave you your beautiful son for a reason. It does not always make sense about what happened and I am sure you yearn to be with him. Please know that despite getting it from both sides remember the side that you want to be on and I know you are is on God’s side.

    One more thing, if you ever come down to sunny Central Florida I would want to take my wife with me to hear about you, your son and your family. May God give you strength and may His presence be a comfort.

    • Nathan, it is so encouraging to hear that you are committed to loving your son and that you know he isn’t a problem to be fixed, especially when the conservative Christian world still says otherwise. Bless you, my friend…and come join us parents at a GCN Conference one of these years…they are an incredible encouragement to all of us (and you’ll find many great role models for your son!).

37. I just wanted to say as a mom of two gay children and one who is straight, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I do understand that need to hold on to what you want for your kids as opposed to realizing it’s their life to live. Our job is to love , support and protect as best we can. Sometimes it takes time to get there. I will say for other parents the relief in their faces and the fact that they were so much happier after seeing our acceptance made it much easier. You got there it took time but you got there and he knew it, that is what is really important.

38. Thank you for sharing your story – It broke my heart, made me cry and opened wounds of the past you believe are healed but never truly are… but knowing that there are people out there willing to put themselves out there so raw and vulnerable knowing the hate and words that would be said to you gives me hope that someday kids like us (I’m now 45) won’t have to go through this anymore because love will win out!
    “Every scar is a bridge to someone’s broken heart” – Thrice — there has never been a truer statement! God bless you and your family & Thank you!

    • Love WILL win – I am hoping for that with you, MDH!

39. Linda,

    I can not express how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your son. I’m also terribly sorry for all of the hate and anger that is coming your way. You made a mistake, an unintentional mistake, and that does not make you a bad person or mother. I hope you and your husband know that.

    I read your original story and follow up at work and had to close the door I was crying so hard. I have a brother who is losing his life to drug addiction and I know the fear, constant worrying, praying, the bargaining with God that they just stay safe, and utter helplessness you went through and I am so sorry you ever had to experience that.

    You are an incredibly brave and strong woman for the work you are doing now. You’re reliving a horrific tragedy every day of your life instead of sweeping it under the rug and that speaks volumes to your character and devotion to your child. I hope you and your family can learn to forgive yourselves and find peace and solace knowing that you have saved other parents from making the same mistake.

    Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you find peace some day.

    • Praying for your brother tonight, Emily…thank you so much for your kindness.

40. Forgive yourself. Not one of us is perfect except the One who is. God loves ALL of us.

41. I love you, my sister in Christ. We are all wounded and broken and trying to hear the Spirit. When my son revealed that he was gay, it was not a surprise. I had suspected it since he was three years old (long story). My husband and I prayed for guidance. We heard the Spirit tell us to keep our son close in the loving embrace of his family of Believers. Challenging, his brother is a pastor. So while he knows that we stand on the truth of God’s word, he also knows that he is our beloved son, forgiven. He and God must work this out. And we are constantly listening and learning to see what that will look like. The Lord is transforming each of us day by day; it is a lifelong journey. The Lord is not limited to earthly time. I am so sorry for your loss, every mother’s fear. God bless you and your family.

42. I am a single parent of two wonderful kids. One day we were coming back from the doctors where I get my treatment for bone cancer, my daughter blurted out that she was gay, she was afraid of my reaction knowing that my family were the religious and believed that it was morally wrong. To her surprise all I asked her if she was sure and she replied she was, she was afraid. I told her that I will love her know matter what life style she choose as long as she was sure and happy with that decision. And I told her that our family may not approve , but that’s okay I will stand by her side. And I will defend her from any hate. She said she thought I would be mad. I explained that there is no reason for anger..because all I have for her is love.and was happy she could open her heart to me. And no matter what my love will remain strong..you see she made me the person I always wanted to be through her kindness and understanding when I made mistakes. When I am sick, she hugs me and tells me everything will be okay.. She has shown me what love is..unconditional. She has stood by me when life got hard. I am proud to say my daughter is gay, but most of all I am proud to be her mother.. A person is defined by how they treat others and not by what sex they choose to love. Thank you for opening your heart up to the people who need to hear your story. We all make mistakes, to learn from them is all that matters.. To love your children,no matter what..to guide them to becoming wonderful adults. Because after all they are a part of who we are. We as parents need to listen to our kids not just hear them.. And to let them know that your love will always be strong. And you will always love them no matter what.. That is true love..

    • I wanted to add that, you now must forgive yourself, I read many comments and find that there is much hatred in some replies.. You have suffered in many ways already. For the people who are angry about this.. Please understand we all make mistakes in life, some we can’t change. Only Jesus Christ is perfect. We fall and stubble through life. Its sad Ryan choose the path of destruction. One must understand..he choose to do drugs. He had problems dealing with his sexual orientation..and our generation was taught to shun homosexuality. We as people need to accept people for who they are..some times the lessons are hard..and painful. And sometimes too late.. For the gay community.. First you must accept yourself before others can accept you.

      • So it’s Ryan’s fault that he’s dead…….right? Wow. You Christians are true pieces of work.

        • I didn’t not say that.. What I am saying everyone needs to take responsibility for this horrible mistake..even Ryan.. He had choices to make. And he choose his path, and his parents made a mistake of not knowing how to understand what he was going through. My heart breaks for him and his family.. Drugs are not they way to deal with problems.. Parents need to love their children with a all their hearts. To stand up and say I love you..what can I do to help you, what can I do to help you accept what you are feeling,
          When I was a teenager, I was ganged raped, I turned to drugs to deal with my problems, my mom didn’t care if I lived or died, my aunt who is a great women told me she loved me, and helped me, but first I had to admit to myself I was wrong to choose a path of self destruction, that i would be missed dearly of I died because I turned to drugs.I was also slicing my wrists because I thought no one cared..it was because of her I am alive..to accept my faults and forgive the people who hurt me and myself for the wrong I was doing. And to take responsibility for my actions.. It made me a better mother, a better listener, and a better person. I just parents of gay children to love these wonderful people to accept them. Even if they don’t understand..just love them. I don’t understand how my daughter feels. But I love her with all I am and I accept her decision. And one day who ever she chooses to love will be a very lucky person. Like I said we all..make mistakes some we can’t take back.. I beg and pled with the gay men,women and children..to accept what you feel..please don’t be self destructive.. You are are worth knowing..you are worth living.. You are loved by God when you think know one else does..he is always there.. Loving you..accepting you.

      • HI Teresa,
        Like a lot of people you make the fundamental error that Ryan chose the path of destruction, chose to be gay, chose to be male; the list goes on and on. It’s sad that the victim in all this is held and judged accountable, but has no voice to defend themselves. You really don’t seem to have the milk of human kindness for either Linda or Ryan. I don’t think Linda feels that Ryan chose destruction over happiness, I may be presumptive. Mental un-wellness is not something you choose, and regretfully this is not understood, nor how our words and actions can deepen the illness. We should never under estimate the impact this turmoil about sexuality, has on our mental health. I know it is somewhat taboo, but really! Just asking some one “Are you okay” and then listening may have opened an opportunity to support and love someone, friend, neighbour, family or stranger, prevent a tragedy like this happening.

        The Exodus foundation is truly negligent in not assessing conscripts about their mental well being, (I have no love for their brand of snake oil). What could be more destabilising, to someone already deeply confused, alienated and depressed, than to have a congregation openly praying for you to get better, that you are immoral and sick, broken; that somehow you have a choice in all this. I didn’t choose to be gay, but I am not unhappy that I am gay, I like me. My mother didn’t like me, probably still doesn’t, but she has died never getting to really know me and that, Teresa, is a choice she made as a god fearing woman.

        Linda in hindsight, was his gay uncle not a suitable role model that you could have chosen to help Ryan? You said you adore and love his uncle and yet you don’t say that he could have been an instrument in the called “gods work” to help Ryan. I would have hoped that he had a chance to listen to and talk with Ryan. Maybe he did. Was he a part of Ryan’s story? If not, why not?

        I am now a step dad, and have helped to raise my partners daughters. We just celebrated the youngest’s 21st birthday, a mile stone is Australian life. I felt humbled that she came to me to talk about her drug addiction before telling her father, we had known for some time. Why? Because she new that I would just listen and let her talk; no paternal determination to fix her or judgement and fear of rejection by her father. And when asked for my advice we made a plan for her to get help. Never to hide herself from us, and to tell her Dad, as he would be her biggest advocate. I have never been more proud of her, the guts and fearless determination she has shown is inspiring, and I am glad that she is still here to celebrate life with us. Now, if we can only have grandchildren as soon as possible, that would be great, she has such a good boyfriend.

        To forgive comes from within and is a purposeful action. Just saying the words doesn’t mean the act has been done. Atonement is the same, your actions show that you are seeking atonement. This may include positive participation with GLBTQ youth, to help them come to terms with who they are is a good starting point; let them know about Ryan; go to pride marches and involve yourself in PFLAG. Sexual identity is formed long before birth like skin or eye colour. You may have future grandchildren that need your help and insights when they are overcome with life’s difficulties. Surely you are be determined, to be the best you can be, in order to be there for them, whom ever they turn out to be.

        Often times, religion doesn’t have the answers we seek, especially the Old Testament, Often the answer is right in front of us, we just need confidence to see it. We should “Love one another as I have loved you” and “Do unto others what we would have done unto us”, seems like the guy that said these words was on the right track. I make no assumptions as I am an atheist but some truths are universal, love and compassion are universal truths

        I am deeply sorry for your loss and which you well in your journey; I would have liked to met Ryan.

        Kindest regards Mykol

        • Mykol, you ask a good question. We, sadly, didn’t connect Ryan with his uncle, because of our fear. This is something we had to ask Ryan and my brother forgiveness for, after Ryan returned to our family. At that point, we knew better, and Ryan and my brother, his uncle, talked almost every day of the last year of Ryan’s life.
          Kindest regards to you, Mykol, and thank you for clarifying that Ryan didn’t choose destruction, or any of the other things that happened to him.

        • Let me correct you on something, as gently as I can, I know my daughter was born gay, since she was young, she never looked at boys the way straight girls do. I saw her hold hands with another girl once , and didn’t say anything.. But I also explained to her many times that she can tell me anything, and that is true. We talked after she told me, I told her I already knew, she had to be the one to accept her feelings, gay is not a choice.. It is born to them. I understand that,
          I have many gay friends, who I love dearly..and we talk, about how they grew up and how they had to hide their true selves from family, many of them had turned to drugs to help with rejection. I talk about positive ways of dealing with how they feel, through painting, drawing,music,
          To express themselves, to show others that drugs are not the way, but finding others who understand and working to educate people to help others accept who they are. And have pride in who they are .. Being gay is not a mental illness, it is a part of who they are.. Acceptance and love ..is all I have for the gay community.

        • Please understand, when I told my daughter that if she was her decision, what I meant and she knows what I mean, is coming out to others, she is young 18 yrs old and we are from a small community who has a church on every corner..we live in the bible belt..where religion is everywhere and so are much hate against things they do not understand. Her being gay is born to her I know that and accept it because I love her. She is a very strong person, that is my mistake of not seeing. I applaud her .. As for Ryan, I didn’t mean to offend any one.. He’s parents love their son just as much as I love my daughter..I see it by what I read, its tragic lose of a good man..but we must get the word out about how to deal with ones emotion so we won’t lose another wonderful person.. As my daughter has said,” being gay is only a small fraction of who I am” and that is true, she also plays piano(self taught) , she draws and plans to go college to become a anime artist, she already is working on a comic that is about her life as a gay high student very funny , and her straight friends love the comic . I have met with some young kids from her circle of friends who have told me they were gay but never told there parents. Because like so many others they will be rejected, some started doing drugs , but now they are clean from that and have them doing things creative and they can come to my home and talk about how they feel.. And that’s all most people need.. A ear to listen ,and a shoulder to cry on, and someone who cares enough to wipe their tears away and tell them it will be okay.. Sorry for offending anyone.. Not my intention

        • Teresa, you clearly have SUCH a good heart. Your daughter is blessed to have you as a mom. ❤

43. I just found your story through Yahoo. Can I just say that my heart absolutely breaks for you and your family. It is so very clear through your writing that you loved your son, and did all you could to show him that love. It is also clear that you made the best choices you could at the time based on what you knew then. All parents make mistakes… every day, we ALL make mistakes. We do the best with what we have, and sometimes, it isn’t enough. I am so very sorry that you are being attacked by these people. It infuriates me that people are so quick to judge and spew hatred instead of showing love, grace, and understanding. We all need to be showing each other a little more love instead of so much hate. My prayers are with you and your family. I truly can not imagine the pain you have felt as you have gone through this. My hope and prayer is that your story will change the hearts of some other parents who are dealing with the same struggle. God bless you. ❤

44. Just read your painful story, and it resonated so much with me. As a devout Catholic, realizing I was gay at age 11 in 1967 was a horrible thing. The self-loathing and fear of damnation were intense. Every night I would kneel and pray, “Please, Jesus, make me straight. Please make me like girls.” But things just got worse. I tried everything: prayer groups, psychiatrists, group therapy, aversion shock therapy, even a quasi-exorcism. At age 26, I saw suicide as the only way out. For me, the answer was to take a break from religion – it was the only way I could continue. Today, I am celebrating 12 years of love with my partner, and I thank you for continuing your work in Ryan’s memory. Please speak to all Christians to tell them that their children are more important than a few Bible verses. Thank you!

45. U need to forgive yourself too now. Ryan knows u love him and is proud of what u are doing. I love you and think you are very brave. God bless.

46. Hi Linda: It looks like you’re receiving a deluge of comments here as people read your most recent post on HuffPo (where I saw it this morning). I read both your original story and your more recent response to the reactions you’ve received, and I just wanted to add myself to the growing list of other people here who are giving you support; I hope that support outweighs the vitriol that you’ve been getting from more ignorant readers. Like others, I was shocked by your original response to your son’s coming out in 2001, but truly impressed by the grace and kindness you’ve found since then. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son — I hate the fact that some of our most important life lessons must be provoked by tragedy. As a gay man and father of a 13-year-old, I can’t imagine experiencing something so awful.

    I really just wanted to tell you that I think it takes a unique kind of courage to emerge from the other side of such a tragedy the way you have, and go public with the story in the interest of helping others learn from your experience. You and your husband seem like special people.

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I have no doubt that others in a similar position will learn something important from you and your husband.

    • Didactic Pirate, your kindness is greatly appreciated…I have to keep reminding myself that the vulnerability is worth if it is saves even one child, one family.

47. Linda, Thank you for sharing your story. My oldest child-our daughter-is a lesbian. She grew up in church and went to a Christian school. She came to us and we didn’t know how to handle it. There was anger, words, punishment…. For all of that we regret. We even ran her off to where she moved out of the house when she turned 18. It hasn’t been easy. A friend gave us a book to read about the prodigal child and it did help us. We still have our times where the air is tense. She and her partner decided to get married last year. Another hard thing for a mom to go through. I had always dreamed of planning my daughter’s wedding and for her dad to walk her down the isle and her 3 brothers to be involved in the wedding…. It was a very hard time. We made it through that. I’m praying daily that we can still show her God’s love even though we haven’t always been lovable. I tell her now every day that I love her and we keep the lines of communication open. We live several states apart. Please keep us in prayer. My husband is in the ministry but we have learned to be open about it because there are so many hurting parents out there that don’t know how to handle the anger and the hurt and so they stay silent afraid of the accusations that will come from other Christians. Christians are so “good” at judging others and categorizing the levels of sin while all the while they have the “plank in their own eye.” I remember praying when we first found out about our daughter for the Lord to just kill her and take her home. It was a reality I did not want to deal with. God has taught me SO many things through this journey and for that I am grateful. The 2 youngest boys have no idea about their sister, but the 19 year old son does and he wants nothing to do with her. We still fight the struggles, but God is still in control! Thank you again for letting your story known and to give encouragement to this mother!

    • Norma, thank you for sharing your story. The reality of having a gay child in a small, conservative town when your family is in the ministry is still VERY difficult. I would love for you to join our private group of Christian moms with LGBTQ children on FaceBook…we’re all learning how to truly love like Jesus would. Find me on FaceBook (Linda Mueller Robertson) so I can tell you more about it!

48. Linda,

    You wrote that you unintentionally taught your son to hate his sexuality and hate himself. You also provided a list of your responses to him (the “I love you, but” list). You said you should have done things differently, but WHAT would you have said and done differently? What do you say to a 12 year old who tells you he is gay?

    The obvious answer is to teach him not to hate himself, but HOW do you do that? WHAT do you say? What do you NOT say? (My apologies if this has already been addressed – there are currently over 1,200 comments.)

    I am very sorry for your loss. Grace and peace to you.

    • Tim…I wish I would have said a LOT of things…but most of all, I wish that he had known that we would have his back and be 100% supportive of him as a young gay man in our very conservative church community (perhaps we would have had to leave that community, for his sake). Another blogger recently answered this question beautifully, I think…I wish I had read THIS 15 years ago. http://johnpavlovitz.com/2014/09/17/if-i-have-gay-children-four-promises-from-a-christian-pastorparent/

49. I’m sure you suffer terribly. There must be no pain like losing a child, except to being kept from being one (that I know). But if you are going to be a presence to the public you should read this Jewish proverb every day, that way your message here will not wander “He who saves a life saves the world. He who destroys a life destroys the world.” Don’t ever let the words Amen come out of your lips again because Yaweh has turned his backs from you as you implicitly suggested the Triune God of love might do so to your son.

    • You are wrong. God forgives. Ryan has already forgiven has parents. This I know.

50. Hello Linda,

    I grew up in a household with a born again Christian mother and Jehovah Witness father and never had any doubt what their reaction would be if they knew who I truly was. Many many times I felt so alone with my secret and so confused, I knew I wasn’t a horrible monster as I was taught by the church and my family. I am so truly sorry for your families loss and Ryan’s. I also know that he is looking down with such love towards you for your courage and honesty, his life did matter and you are proving it. So many of us could have been Ryan.
    My parents didn’t “get it” and they were people I didn’t like much and I left home soon after high school with limited visits back home.
    Fast forward almost 30 years to the wedding of my sister. I was recently married to a woman and we were going to attend my sisters wedding and she was the only one who knew of our marriage, to her and her soon to be husband my being a lesbian was a non issue. My sister and I discussed telling my family and relatives and at the reception it was announced, it was the most incredible experience. My family and relatives ( who are very religious and conservative) were thrilled and happy for us. My cantankerous aunt even wanted to have her picture taken with us to show friends, people can change. My brother in laws family were equally accepting as we are in all the family wedding photos.
    I am so sorry for your pain, Ryan’s pain and all the pain that goes on daily when an individual has to hide who they truly are.
    I wanted to share with you a happy ending years in the making.
    Your honest telling of Ryan’s story and your families courage and pain will allow there will be one more “happy ending” that would not have happened, for that I will be forever grateful, you and your family have my deepest sympathies and love.
    Joan

    • (This is not a message of hate.) Dear Linda, I read your blog after the United Church of Christ posted a link. I also read their follow up post about the hate-filled comments you have had to read. I can’t imagine the kind of pain you and your family have been facing. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and so sickened that you have had strangers try to shame you and make your pain even greater. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable in an effort to reach others who might be facing similar situations. I am at a place in my life where I have to hide who I am, but there is an underground of people like myself who are desperate to know that there are Christians who admit mistakes, who want to love others, who bare their lives in an effort to lead others into a life of love for others. I have secretly passed along your blog to them, and have had some call me in tears after reading your blog. You are, to at least 6 others in Pennsylvania, the mother we prayed for. You will probably never know who we are, and we will probably never meet. I just felt that I needed to let you know that for every vile message you receive, there is probably someone out there who is unable to tell you how much your story has uplifted her. I wish that we could call you, I wish that we could stop you in the grocery store and give you a hug. I wish that we could somehow show you that we are out here, that we need you to keep talking, to keep being here. To keep sharing the love that you still have for your son. We may have not felt that love from our own parents, but not one of us has wanted to hate our parents. We are all hoping they could still love us. I am so glad that your son knew how much you love him. I didn’t know anything about you until yesterday, but I love you, too. Thank you again. Thank you.

      • Daughter…I wish I could hug you, too. So does Rob…we both cried as I read your post out loud to him. Know that there are a lot of Christians out there like us…we are growing in number every day. This year the Gay Christian Network conference expects to have more parents than ever…people like us who are committed to not only loving their own children, but ALL LGBTQ children. YOU are precious…I am praying that you will come to see yourself through God’s eyes, because He adores you!

      • Daughter,

        I wanted to reach out to you as well. I’m not a parent, but as an openly gay man, I can tell you things do get better. You are an important part of this world, and you have much to contribute. There are plenty of jobs out there, both with with large corporations and small companies, where you can be yourself. I am a hotel manager, and I have been out at every job I have had since I was 23. My coworkers accept me, my family accepts me, and from time to time it comes up in conversations with customers. Not one time has a customer called corporate and complained, or anything of the sort. Of course, with customers, it’s not every day conversation, but it has come up. The world we live in is changing, and you will have the opportunity to enjoy your life. I know when you’re younger things are difficult, I know the world looks bleak sometimes. I know there are hateful people out there, but, there are many many more that want you to be happy.

        I hope you find that happiness and acceptance soon 🙂 . What Linda is doing with this blog is great, while she admittedly has made many mistakes, she wants nothing more than for no one else to have to go through this.

        You are in my thoughts!

        Stephen