2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”

1. Dear Linda,

   This is truly beautiful. God works in powerful ways. I am so sorry you had to experience this…and I hope moving forward gets easier everyday. A suggestion of mine is to maybe get involved with the Trevor Project, or other organizations for LGBTQ youth! I think that is a great place to also look for healing. God bless.

   • So thankful for organizations like the Trevor Project, Kris!

     • Through my years of experience with PFLAG – I am a gay man, and was an activist on behalf of queer youth for over 15 years – I have encountered many stories such as yours. And I have found the enormous ability of people to change, for the better, and ultimately find redemption. The capacity to grow can sometimes be unimaginable, and I have met a number of people who I find to be warm, loving, compassionate people today who describe themselves as monsters (typically driven by fundamentalist Christian beliefs) in their past, to the harm of their LGBT children. Harm that sometimes was permanent, as with your son.

       Thank you for spreading your message of the people you were, and demonstrating by your words and actions, the people you now are. Please believe, and know, that your these now can immeasurably help others, and prevent other children from suffering similar fates as yours. You prove, with each day, that people can change for the better, that there are other ways to look at LGBT children other than with religious condemnation, and that there is hope.

       I know that you are taking considerable attack for who you were, but I hope you know that you are now also blessed for who you are.

       Chris Kryzan
       (formerly Executive Director of OutProud)

       • Chris, thank you so much for understanding why we are telling our story, and for the grace that just exudes from your words. Thank you for realizing that we straight parents, especially those of us from conservative Christian backgrounds, can make ENORMOUS mistakes with good intentions. Thank you for all the work you’ve done…I am a better person after “meeting” you, and I am sure that the world is a better place because of you.

2. Hello Linda and Rob,

   I read your article and I wanted to let you know I found it very moving and I cannot imagine the pain you must endure. I think your son would be very proud of the work you are doing now. I hope this message finds you well and I send love to you both.

   Regards
   Steve xx

3. So many mixed feelings about what happened. I was raised being told that gay was wrong. (I myself am bisexual, my younger sister is gay) Despite being raised that way I ALWAYS KNEW that what I was being told had something fundamentally wrong about. How could God judge someone for who they love???? My parents have since gone from being catholic to born again christians. Unfortunately their tolerance for LGBTQ anything has only become worse since this has happened. I dont understand and refuse to accept their reasoning. I am not against believing in God. Im against “the word of God” being used to excuse horrendous behaviour. I know you are suffering and although I am sorry that it took you losing your son to see the error of your ways my sympathy for you is very clouded because everything you did pushed him further into that grave that you dug for him when you chose “the word of God” over the love for your child. He may have put the needle in his arm and his friends may have played a part in providing the drugs but you and your bigotted beliefs are what made him feel so horrible inside that he needed something to numb that pain. Im sorry you lost your son but I hope your poor CHOICES haunt you every day of your lives so maybe you can feel some semblance of the pain your child felt when his family, his church, and his god rejected him for something that WAS NOT HIS CHOICE…

   • You are right, Leidy…his decision to numb his pain was primarily because of our mistakes, and those poor choices (though made because we honestly thought we were “protecting” him) do haunt me every day of my life. And no, his sexuality was NOT his choice, but instead a gift that God gave him.
     I wish you well, Leidy, and am sorry that your parents’ – and their faith – have been so hurtful.

4. I’m so very sorry you’ve had to suffer such horrific insults and meanness by so many people. But by taking the slings and arrows, the meanness and the hatred, you are saving so many people from the tragedy you have endured because you will not be silenced. You and your family are my heros. My goodness, although I am not Christian (I take the easy way out = agnostic), I understand Jesus’ message of love, love, love and when that doesn’t work, love more. I love you even more. Your son’s life was not lost in vein my precious unknown friend. I have shown countless people this website and my daughter’s best friend, a young gay man, cried and cried and thanked me, saying, “I wish I had a mom like that.” I wish I had friends like you. Peace to you all and keep blogging and writing about this — it is making a true difference in the world.

   • Jennifer…I just read your loving comment after reading and responding to one that wasn’t…and I am so thankful for your kindness and encouragement. It means the world to me. Much love to you!

5. Linda,

   Your story touches my heart. I, too, am a parent, and I’ve been forced to make decisions that I wish were “do-over” eligible. Unfortunately, I’m human. I make mistakes and am forced to live with the consequences of those decisions, hoping that one day my children will understand why I did what I did. I know you wish Ryan were here and that he, too, would understand. I can’t imagine your pain and suffering for the loss of a child who was so desperately loved, but I know without doubt that Ryan is rejoicing in Heaven and that none of this earthly mess burdens him. I pray for peace for your family, that this burden on your hearts will lessen over time. I pray that when God speaks to you, that you hear love and forgiveness. If anything else, I hope you know that the pain and suffering you’re experiencing serves such a purpose in the lives of everyone that is reading this story. I love you and am praying.

   • Thank you so much for your prayers, Lindsay!!

6. Linda, it does not sound like you did anything wrong, before. Now you are questioning the Christian Biblical approach to this issue. Your son made a decision, not you. Don’t let this change how God wants us to understand scripture and the boldness, in love, that we need to proclaim His truth.

   • Thanks, Mike, for your input…but I am not questioning the “biblical” approach. I am definitely questioning the traditional evangelical approach, which, when followed faithfully, lead to emotional, relational, spiritual and physical death of our child (and of countless other children). We are so thankful to the Lord for speaking to us CLEARLY and teaching us to let go of our concerns over Ryan’s sexuality, and simply love him like crazy.

     • Unfortunately, the “traditional, evangelical approach” is not the “biblical” approach. Nowhere in The Bible does it say it is a sin to BE a homosexual, yet – for some reason – is such an incensing topic to “Christians”. (I put that in quotations to generalize a large population that is comprised of irregular church attenders, regular attenders, and people who claim to be Christians, but are not FOLLOWERS of Christ – they have a said faith, not a saving one.) I am not saying The Bible is not clear about homosexual BEHAVIOR, but I am perplexed as to to why this particular issue incites such fiery, public, and enraging opposition relative to other issues. I postulate it is an indignant response born of the flesh and not a spiritual disapproval.

       All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; our fleshly struggles vary from person to person. All are in need of a savior to pay the wages of our sin (death), and thank God we have One!

       • Tim, thanks for expressing your view…I do want to clarify, however, that Rob and I, along with a lot of other Christians, don’t believe that the Bible clearly says that homosexual behavior is a sin. If you are interested, James Brownson has written a fantastic book on the subject that challenges the traditional teaching while still honoring the Word of God.

     • Linda, my heart hurts for you and your family. As a mother and grandmother, I cannot imagine the pain y’all live with every second of your lives. But I can tell you ONE thing. Ryan knows your heart and he knows that you did the best that you could at the time. You’ll never know how many lives and families that you have saved with your blogs. We do the best we can as people and parents and then we trust in God for His forgiveness. Nothing else counts. God bless you and your family, Jean

     • what needs to be questioned is your relationship with Christianity, Jesus would never have let you treat any one in this manner. Christianity has created more pain and suffering in the name of biblical approach. The book was written by men a long time ago to replace the knowledge of our ancestors. Makes for a nice story but doesn’t replace having a rational brain and generous heart.

       • And JESUS is who I am following, Laura. NOT a religion called “Christianity.” I am with you on that.

7. Some good thoughts on here. I still have a problem with the harmful christian rhetoric that appears throughout the comments on this page. I respect that you, Linda, don’t delete the strongly-worded posts, because it is, in fact, a positive thing to expose others to the hurt and damage that christian homophobia causes. When somebody here goes on a big fuck-you rant, it’s likely because he or she has been deeply hurt by religious fundamentalism. So, I mentioned harmful christian rhetoric: I see over and over on this page the idea that gay people can still have relationships in god’s good grace, when those relationships are monogamous and committed. Does that mean that casual relationships are not meaningful? Are gay people who enjoy sex outside of a monogamous relationship still perverts and sinners? There is a resounding message in your story, and it’s that it’s damaging to impose christian morality onto other people. Honestly, I would throw out religion altogether. Keep God, but lose the nonsensical bible stuff…the blessed virgin, burning bushes, David and Goliath…Jack and the beanstalk. All that crap. We are defined by our actions – not by how many times we go to church or how many sins we confess. This is a good thing that you’re doing, although it’s taken some time for me to come around on it. I’m a gay son, and my parents love me unconditionally. Always have. I didn’t even really have to “come out”, because it was always understood in my household that most people are heterosexual…some are homosexual, and it’s fine either way. The real challenge for me is watching the world around me argue the morality of my existence and happiness… I’m sure I have more to say, but I’ll save it for another post.

8. I NEED HELP!
   I.ll GET IN CONTACT WITH YOU!
   MARCELO

9. Hate kills. I have not read your story in its entirety but I do know that your son was gay, and as evangical Christians you caused him great harm by NOT supporting who he was and loving him unconditionally. The only folks who are wrapping their arms around you know are likely like minded haters. As a gay woman, my family embraced me from the second I told them I was gay, embracing me and joining me on my life’s journey. Had you NOT bullied your son, he would have been living his young life.

   • I agree, Janetoyou, hate does kill. And had we embraced him fully as your family did, he probably would be alive today. Thank you for making my point.

   • @Janetoyou.
     We all make mistakes in this life. Some of them we laugh off. Others we regret. Since we can’t turn back time, we must accept our mistakes and move on. It’s called being alive. I’m curious. Why didn’t you read the entire story? If you had, you could have saved yourself the embarrassment of pointing out that which had already been addressed—a mother who admitted to making a mistake. Sadly, it’s one she cannot fix and one that she is learning to accept and live with. You stated that when you came out, your family accepted and embraced you from the start. That is something to be celebrated and yet you invalidated all of it by verbally disparaging a woman who doesn’t see the world as you do. Why? Because what you said with 95 words can be summed up with only one: HATE.

10. You deserve so much better than hate mail, or any hate at all. You are a wonderful person who, like the rest of us, has made some mistakes. The fact that you feel some of those mistakes caused the death of your child is very, very sad. I am sure Ryan knows how very much you loved him, how very much you miss him, and how sad you are at his passing. As for his being gay, it makes no difference. God loves all of his children, there can’t be anything more than that. You have mine, and many others, prayers for you, and for your peace, for your healing.

    • Erika,

      From a non Christian perspective, it is nearly impossible for us to fathom. How the hell do you treat your son like that to begin with? And only in a Christian (or other religious belief) system can you fathom that as acceptable. It wasn’t for the love of the son. It was for the detriment for the son. And for those of us that don’t believe in a higher power, the only thing you are answerable to is here on earth. There is no loving father, no loving god, to seek forgiveness from. I understand to those that are Christians, you have this belief there is a god that will forgive your sins. But to those of us that aren’t believers, I don’t consider it just straying from the faith. I have done years of research, I struggled with what my beliefs were from the time I was a teenager. And I have read the little black book from cover to cover several times. It’s full of contradictions, hate, prejudice and ignorance. So, when you defend Linda, and you say that Ryan knows how much you loved him, how much you miss him, and that god loves all his children, to those of us that simply do not believe, this is unimportant. What is important is that her actions, her words, her misguided beliefs lead to the depression and likely to the death of her son. I am glad that you are praying for her, and don’t get me wrong, I am very very grateful that she is doing these public talks and writings that I truly hope will help countless families deal with their children coming out, and will hopefully save many young men and women. But it still is beyond my ability to conceptualize how Linda continues to grasp at the god, at the religion that harmed her family so much. How she still believes, how she still prays, how she still considers herself a Christian isn’t something that I can fathom.

11. Hi Linda,
    What an amazing story. I grew up in a family that is very Christian. How frustrating it is, being LGBTQ and “Christian”. One of the things I continue to hear is that God didn’t answer our prayers, my child is still LGBTQ. God answers all prayer and sometimes the answer is there in front of us, we just don’t want to hear it. No Linda, your son didn’t need to change. Gold loved him all along. He made him in His image. He was always perfect, warts and all. That is how I look at myself, God didn’t change me either. Sin is sin. We like to put a value on each type of sin in the world.
    God’s answer was NO. Simple as that. I am following the path I believe God put in front of me. God knew us before we were born, and put us here for many reasons. I believe you have come to the realization of your families purpose.
    I wish you peace of mind and heart.
    Rev. Deklan

12. dear linda.
    forgive my not soo perfect english as english is not my mother tonque. your story brought many tears to my eyes because i have been there where ryan was without the drugs but many other problems instead of mostly psychological in nature, depression etc and on the run. i emigrated all alone to the usa at age 26 in 1981 i saw this as the only way to escape the tensions, pressures of society as a whole and the unacceptance of who i truly was from parents. i grew up in a small well to do “perfect” country in the heart of europe which was not so perfect after all. my parents were very “accepting” of gay people as long as it is not their own son. i knew from age 6 on that i was different but had no name for it. i came out to my parents officially when i was in a mental hospital back in europe as an emergency in 1986. i suffered from an accute psychosis and family therapie was described at that time. it finally catched up with me. however i was lucky i meet the love of my life within weeks of arriving in the us in 1981 and lived my life the way i wanted and who i was and he always stood by me till today.

    me and my partner of 34 years now got married 2 years ago in new york and i am at peace now because it took me many years to realize something. i realized that my mother always loved me and only wanted to best for me even if she was dead wrong. she never accepted my sexual orientation whole heartedly but respected me till her death 8 years ago but i could live with that fact as i learned over time to understand where she came from- strong upbringing with catholic values which she started to have doubts about towards the end of her life. i do believe ryan did know that both of you accepted him fully of who he was towards the end of his life too and it must have given him peace of mind and happiness. this fact should relief you from some guilt and give you also a little peace of mind. don’t torture yourself. you are fortunate to have come to the “enlightment” early enough in your life and have the strength to speak out and in turn help other parents to find the truth. my mother was on her death bed when i was holding her hand and the only thing she was able to communicate to me was with a light scratch with her finger in the palm of my hand which i took as a “i love you” and then she passed away. a small but giant gesture and it changed my life and it made me feel as finally being a fully worthy accepted person. it was a two decade long struggle for me and if you can help just one parent to be fully accepting of their son or daughter you have reached more then you can imagine. keep up the good work

    • Much love to you, Walter…your story, your words and your heart are beautiful. You are clearly an amazing man, and I am honored to “meet” you, from across the country, through this blog. My best to you and your husband!

13. Hi Linda, I´m so sorry for your lost. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I don´t know a single person who likes to knowledge their mistakes, none, that´s why I think this is so brave. I live in Mexico, a young catholic doctor with many close gay friends, that have suffered greatly for being what they are, so I´m a little familiar with the problem, only a tiny part cause I haven´t suffered personally for it, but I love them and their pain is my pain. In my religion is also a sin to be gay, but I have never felt the way you felted about your son and is not cause I dont believe in God because I do, I´m named after the Virgin so imagine, it´s hard to explain and the priests will tell you is a sin what I do about not believing in those parts of the bible and maybe you´ll do too but I truly think that God loves us equal no matter if you´re black, white, red, gay, short, tall, fat, etc because he creates us, so, why is he going to think it´s bad to be gay if he did you that way?. So for me, ever since I was a child, it was like a fact that those parts of the bible were a lie, a big fat lie, cause we wrote the bible and we are not God. Is a simple as that. But I know that millions of people doesn´t think like me. The reason I want to thank you is because, first, when I was reading your story, I have to accept that I hate you, big time, cause the things I wrote before, but then, I realised that even that I adore my friends and consider them like brothers and sisters, I have never ask myself what would I do in your case, I mean, what would I do if I ever have a gay son or daughter, and I don´t even have to worry about what the church thinks because I couldn´t care less, so I asked that cuestion only to myself, not my catholic self, but when you imagine that you have a son, you automatically picture him with a wife, and a daughter with a husband, and how would I behave with a son with a husband? and that´s why your story convinced me that the right answer is that you have to love them just for breathing, like you say. I don´t have children but ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mother and you already love them, even if they not exist yet, so you´re right, if you condition love they wont feel it at all, so thank you for being so brave and strong after what you´ve through, cause this story needs to be known worldwide to help those millions of people outhere who ´re still in pain.

    • Guadalupe, thank you so much for taking the time to think about what it would be like to be in my situation…I think we’d all be better off if we could spend more time listening and imagining ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Your friends, and your patients, are fortunate to have you in their lives. Much love to you, friend.

14. I am sorry for your loss. To lose a child no matter the circumstance is horrendous to any parent. I have two myself and I can not fathom ever losing them. So lets start with that.

    I am angry though for what you were. I am happy you finally got it and can make the difference in someone else’s life by telling your story. I am saddened that it took losing your eldest to finally get to that point. And I am not talking when he passed on. You stated it,18 months he was gone from your lives. You lost him then. I am saddened by so much else but that delves into the Religious aspect of all this and probably not one discussed by one such as me. I do not believe in your god nor will I ever. Condemn me with your words and your thoughts…I will sleep no less peacefully at night cause of it. It does sadden me though that cause of your faith and such you would condemn your own child like you did. We as mothers bring these children into this world not to force anything into the be it faith or beliefs or anything, we bring them in to love them and take care of them, to see a new life blossom and grow into whatever they choose! If my children came to me today and said “Mom we want to be Catholic( or Buddhist, Muslim or Jehovah’s witness, goodness even dedicated to the Cult of the Spaghetti Monster)” I would google it, hit my library, look it up to support them in their decisions. And if it so should happen if either my children came to me and said “Mom I like Girls/Boys(I have a boy and a girl)” I would not cast them aside or force them to be anything but what they feel in their hearts they are. That is not my job to choose their life for them. My job and any mothers job is to nurture and care for the life we were given be it by divine right if you believe that or a matter of procreation and biological engineering. It saddens me that you did not realize that.

    I am glad you are making progress towards learning about the man you lost the child lost. Your steps by your own words are profound. I hope though perhaps you can also in all that forgive yourself. Yes I did say that. Right now and it seems by the how long its been since your son passed from this world you have been beating yourself inside for a long time. Would of, should have, could have, maybe done differently, will never bring him back. But do you honestly believe he wants you killing yourself inside, tormenting yourself with this, never finding the forgiveness he would probably want for you? Do you believe this is what your god wants of you? Is this helping you in any fashion become a better person? Yes you learning and working on becoming better but do you find forgiveness in this? Peace? Doesn’t sound like it. I wish I could give you some advice on finding that peace and forgiveness but that’s in you I can not offer that answer. Or maybe finally praying or talking to the man lost you can find it. Crazy I know huh? Talking to someone no longer around! Wouldn’t be the first person to do it and somehow find peace. Just saying.

    Now for soap box rant to be done for you…. I want to say thank you for sharing your words and thoughts. Your story and your son’s. I am happy you can help others and offer up words that may help other young people get through this hard path in life. I hope for some of my friends who’s parent’s do not know they are gay their parents do not do what has been done here and they are where you are now…Enlightened! Understanding and wanting to be apart of their children’s lives no matter who they love! Sex is sex big whoop! What the heart feels is another all together and if A boy loves a boy…Who are we to say anything! I will be directing some people I know to this blog to send on to their parents when they do finally come out to show them how the other end of this could turn out. Cautionary tale you could say! So thank you again…You might be saving lives too!

    Now for you morons that decided to go off on your tangents and be real jerks! Cursing this mother out is not your job. Cursing these parents out for what they thought was right at the time not your job or mine. Yes I am including myself in this too so ha go ahead and come back with your comments not giving a Detroit Rat’s ass what you say! You are not making things better. In fact you are making things worse and you can point fingers but look back at your own lives and the see the wrongs you have made… Do you have the slightest courage to come out as she has with what her tale was and is and take the brunt of what she knew was coming? Do you even have a slightest inkling of how many fingers are now pointed back at you for your one pointed at her? Point and see. For the one you point there is 3 more pointed back which means you are no saint either and have no right to talk! To Wish the things you did is cruel! She knows her family knows what they have lost. You can sit on your high horse and condemn but wait till someone knocks you off and puts you there. Not going to feel good. Have a bit of compassion and empathy. No not sympathy…empathy. Cause honest you are probably no better then she was sometime in your life if you are not there now where she once was. I can say I was. I condemned someone for their decisions and guess what…I still feel horrible for what I did. But I learned by never treating anyone like that again to be compassionate and sometimes shut my mouth and just listen.

    End Rant.

15. I am sorry for your loss. To lose a child no matter the circumstance is horrendous to any parent. I have two myself and I can not fathom ever losing them. So lets start with that.

    I am angry though for what you were. I am happy you finally got it and can make the difference in someone else’s life by telling your story. I am saddened that it took losing your eldest to finally get to that point. And I am not talking when he passed on. You stated it,18 months he was gone from your lives. You lost him then. I am saddened by so much else but that delves into the Religious aspect of all this and probably not one discussed by one such as me. I do not believe in your god nor will I ever. Condemn me with your words and your thoughts…I will sleep no less peacefully at night cause of it. It does sadden me though that cause of your faith and such you would condemn your own child like you did. We as mothers bring these children into this world not to force anything into the be it faith or beliefs or anything, we bring them in to love them and take care of them, to see a new life blossom and grow into whatever they choose! If my children came to me today and said “Mom we want to be Catholic( or Buddhist, Muslim or Jehovah’s witness, goodness even dedicated to the Cult of the Spaghetti Monster)” I would google it, hit my library, look it up to support them in their decisions. And if it so should happen if either my children came to me and said “Mom I like Girls/Boys(I have a boy and a girl)” I would not cast them aside or force them to be anything but what they feel in their hearts they are. That is not my job to choose their life for them. My job and any mothers job is to nurture and care for the life we were given be it by divine right if you believe that or a matter of procreation and biological engineering. It saddens me that you did not realize that.

    I am glad you are making progress towards learning about the man you lost the child lost. Your steps by your own words are profound. I hope though perhaps you can also in all that forgive yourself. Yes I did say that. Right now and it seems by the how long its been since your son passed from this world you have been beating yourself inside for a long time. Would of, should have, could have, maybe done differently, will never bring him back. But do you honestly believe he wants you killing yourself inside, tormenting yourself with this, never finding the forgiveness he would probably want for you? Do you believe this is what your god wants of you? Is this helping you in any fashion become a better person? Yes you learning and working on becoming better but do you find forgiveness in this? Peace? Doesn’t sound like it. I wish I could give you some advice on finding that peace and forgiveness but that’s in you I can not offer that answer. Or maybe finally praying or talking to the man lost you can find it. Crazy I know huh? Talking to someone no longer around! Wouldn’t be the first person to do it and somehow find peace. Just saying.

    Now for soap box rant to be done for you…. I want to say thank you for sharing your words and thoughts. Your story and your son’s. I am happy you can help others and offer up words that may help other young people get through this hard path in life. I hope for some of my friends who’s parent’s do not know they are gay their parents do not do what has been done here and they are where you are now…Enlightened! Understanding and wanting to be apart of their children’s lives no matter who they love! Sex is sex big whoop! What the heart feels is another all together and if A boy loves a boy…Who are we to say anything! I will be directing some people I know to this blog to send on to their parents when they do finally come out to show them how the other end of this could turn out. Cautionary tale you could say! So thank you again…You might be saving lives too!

    Now for you morons that decided to go off on your tangents and be real jerks! Cursing this mother out is not your job. Cursing these parents out for what they thought was right at the time not your job or mine. Yes I am including myself in this too so ha go ahead and come back with your comments not giving a Detroit Rat’s ass what you say! You are not making things better. In fact you are making things worse and you can point fingers but look back at your own lives and the see the wrongs you have made… Do you have the slightest courage to come out as she has with what her tale was and is and take the brunt of what she knew was coming? Do you even have a slightest inkling of how many fingers are now pointed back at you for your one pointed at her? Point and see. For the one you point there is 3 more pointed back which means you are no saint either and have no right to talk! To Wish the things you did is cruel! She knows her family knows what they have lost. You can sit on your high horse and condemn but wait till someone knocks you off and puts you there. Not going to feel good. Have a bit of compassion and empathy. No not sympathy…empathy. Cause honest you are probably no better then she was sometime in your life if you are not there now where she once was. I can say I was. I condemned someone for their decisions and guess what…I still feel horrible for what I did. But I learned by never treating anyone like that again to be compassionate and sometimes shut my mouth and just listen.

    End Rant

16. As a bisexual teenager in the church, thank you for reminding me that God loves me as I am and that there’s nothing wrong with me. This moved me to tears and has spurred me to begin mending my relationship with God. Thank you so much.

    • Bless you, C. Praying for you tonight. ❤

17. Linda,

    I recently tried to end my own life. Your son would understand why, I had been convinced that I was damned and unlovable, and all I wanted was an end to the sorrow.

    I did die for a moment in the ICU, and I went home to god.

    I just wanted to tell you that the pain and terror and sorrow only exist here. Peace and love await us all on the other side. Hell is here, Linda, rooted in the false idea that we could ever be separated from the father. The agents of hell stand at the pulpit, as they try to convince us that we are unworthy. Hell is not eternal, love is the only constant that we can ever expect.

    This is what God told me as I begged him to let me come home. Instead I’ve returned, with this message in my heart.

    I felt compelled to share it with you, and so I have. All my love and light is with you and yours forever.

    • Jay, THANK YOU. This is a gift.

18. The bottom line is this: your son is dead. Who and what are responsible? Not the drugs that killed. Nope. It’s you and your ignorant, intolerant, bigoted, and in the end, deadly religion. And you keep going back for more. Incredible.

    • It is not the Christian religion, it is those who have perverted it to exercise hateful behavior.

      • And, as a person that was raised in a moderate Christian environment, and that has read the bible many times, I would say it’s the book itself. It’s a book that teaches to beat a disobedient child, it’s a book that teaches the punishment for rape is based singularly on there being witnesses, and then the punishment is for the rapist to pay the father of the raped and marry her. For those of us who have done years of research, many of us find this book, this religion to be anything but what people profess. It isn’t about love and peace. It’s a book filled with hate. So to pretend that the problem is those who pervert the book, that pervert the religion, is false, and would be laughable until you realize this hurts millions. So can we not be adults about this and at least acknowledge that the book itself is the root of evil in this situation?

19. The bottom line is this: your son is dead. Who and what are responsible? Certainly not the drug that killed him. Nope. That’s the easy way out. It’s you and more directly your ignorant, intolerant, bigoted and eventually deadly religion. And you keep going back for more? Incredible.

    • Not back for more religion, Gary. But we still do have faith in God, yes.

20. Maybe all the emphasis on God being partial to his son for his sexuality you will feel for your dogmatism toward him. They says children reap the sins of the father and mother, seems whatever son you thought he had you have reaped. You must see your god differently after your son’s death. Your story is not just a parents and his son, there is so much about religion that needs addressing. We are all subject to implicit ideology

21. My hearts aches for your family. I came out to my mom after driving home from college in the middle of the night. She asked me what was wrong. I said “I’m gay” through my tears and she “but what’s wrong”. I’ll never forget that.

    You are saving lives by sharing your story. You are what the world needs – a smart, Christian who is able to share their wisdom and realization.

    Even though I don’t consider myself a Christian, I know your son is seeing you now and knows how deeply loved he is and always was.

22. Hi Linda,
    I’m sorry so many people are posting terrible things. You have suffered the ultimate loss and recognize what could have been done better. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story so that others may learn from it. I was a lifelong atheist for many years and rejected God but two years ago I went through a very tough time and felt lifted and loved throughout it and saw God everywhere I looked. God is love and all love is heavenly. I wish you and your family the best and hope that you have found sources of strength in each other through this extremely difficult time.
    H.B.

23. Your comments absolutely broke my heart and I could feel your in credible pain coming through your post. I am always so amazed when I hear another story where people were guided by their churches…religion…bible…religious groups…to act towards homosexuals in such a heinous, non-Christian way. Religion is perhaps more powerful in its ability to grip our would so completely that we will believe and do anything it professes. I am deeply sorry that it affected you so and that it caused such heartbreaking tragedy in your life. Please continue to believe that Christ would never have told you to think the way you did and find comfort now in that knowledge…and the knowledge that when your son passed , he went into the loving presence of Christ. No, not the Christ most churches: “use” to back their hatred and bigotry, but the real Jesus you now find comfort in. I left organized religion long ago and I will never go back. I do believe in God and Christ but I KNOW He would never speak or encourage any ill-will towards one of his creations. Please let the burden fall from your back….your son is now in a place where he can see the things of the earth so clearly and he must know that you loved him and were only doing what you thought was right for his soul. But the real truth is, no parent is responsible for the soul of their children…but only the body…the flesh you produced. The soul comes from God and it is up to EACH PERSON to deal with God and our soul by ourselves. That is what parents should be teaching their children because no one BUT God knows the truth of each person’s soul. You did what you thought was right. Period!! Even IF we learn later that we had been wrong, the learning that is the real value lesson. From everything you have said about your wonderful child, I think your continued regrets and punishment of yourself will keep him from moving on in his life journey. HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY MOVE ON KNOWING YOU WERE SO TORTURED LEFT BEHIND. Forgivenes is absolutely EVERYTHING. Somehow I simply believe he knows you meant well…maybe not then, but he does now. Let go, and forgive yourself completely…..he needs that final importent thing from you – to forgive yourselves. Bless you. Move on dear one and rejoice that he is where he is meant to be and peace is with him. He can be, there, what he couldn’t be here. Your blogs are an Incredible inspiration to the world. Forget those who judge you; find happiness in your soul and find out why you should strive for that…you do deserve to be happy again. You will so honor your son if you do. You have my profound love and respect. God bless…

    • Amen Sandie.

24. Linda, you are very brave to share your story and I thank you. It is hard to admit we are wrong and even harder to face the harm we’ve done. I think the reason you’ve gotten so many hateful comments is that so many cannot face the painful reality of their own humanity. As John Huston’s character says in the movie Chinatown: “You see, Mr. Gitts, most people never have to face the fact that in the right time and the right place they are capable of anything.” Only by facing this fact can we really have compassion for others and for ourselves. You exemplify that compassion. God bless you!!

    • Wow…what a great – and true – quotation. And compassion for other and for ourselves…I want that. I am working on that. Thanks for such powerful encouragement, kmcclellx.

25. Linda,

    First off, I would like to thank you for taking the time and devoting your life to trying to make a real change in this world. I can not begin to imagine the pain and suffering your family have gone through over the last 4 years. I truly hope your talks, your blogging, your articles help save other children from the absolute hell you created for Ryan. I read your post from a year ago, and your more recent post, on HuffingtonPost. I also watched the YouTube video of the talk you and your husband gave at Exodus International. I am not an overly emotional person, but I was in tears reading, and watching Ryan’s story. Ryan’s hell.

    I am not going to call you names or try to berate you. I am going to post how I feel, and I am sure it’s not going to be the most pleasant, but it is not filled with hate.

    I do not understand how a parent can treat their child like you did. I can not understand how a parent can chose a 2,000 year old book that was written by man, in a time where man thought the earth was flat, and a time where man had no education to speak of, over their own son. I understand, from the child’s perspective, the grief a parent goes through, the “loss” of the dreams you had for your child. The dream you had of him going down the isle, the grandchildren, etc. I am a gay man, and I remember the deep deep depression my mother went through when I came out to her. I wish I had the courage and the understanding to come out at such a young age, as Ryan did. I do not wish, for one second, that I had such cruel and uncaring parents. My mom took it hard. She took most of a week off of work, barely left her bedroom. She slowly returned to a functional state while she dealt with the emotions. But, she came a long way. Instead of demonizing her son, instead of demanding he not act on his feelings, instead of constantly reminding him of what I am sure she felt, that my actions would potentially send me to hell, she talked with preachers from several churches, she did research online, she talked to friends and she has become an amazing, accepting woman, and my father has become an amazing, accepting man. Not one time did my parents try to guilt trip me into hiding from my natural feelings to appease the god of a 2,000 year old book, that none of us have any evidence of.

    Some would call her a non christian. Some would call her a moderate, or a liberal christian. To this day she and my father go to church most Sundays. They believe, but admittedly, are more moderate or liberal christians. But they are sensible christians. They believe that the happiness of their family supersedes a 2,000 year old book with contradictory stories.

    I can not, for one single moment, begin to understand the pain and suffering you and your husband have gone through. But much more importantly, I can not, for one single moment, empathize with you after the absolute hell you put Ryan through during his most formative years. You, by choice, delved him into cycle of self hatred and self loathing, that resulted in a personal hell that caused his self destructive behavior. I truly hope that other close minded bigot religious families see huge guidance in Ryan’s story, not your story, for it is his story, and that countless children are not treated as horribly as you treated Ryan.

    But I fear this is a fairy tale. As I am sure you know, most families that are so deeply rooted in conservative christian values do not value research, outside of their bubble. They believe in a literalization of an ancient book that was written in a time where we, as a species had minimal knowledge in the modern sense. They believe in a book that is froze in a barbaric, ancient time. Liberal christians are not seen as real christians, and as you pointed out, contact with healthy, happy, openly gay people is not encouraged. Instead people who believe the literal, hate filled book, as your family did, will continue to be hateful, ignorant, absolutely abhorrent parents to their gay and lesbian kids. And countless thousands more children will be driven to drugs, alcohol, and suicide, because their religious parents continue to pound the thought into their head that the only way to make it to heaven is by ignoring their most basic human instincts, and instead living a life of celibacy and self loathing.

    What saddens me as much as anything, is that somehow, in your world, you fail to grasp this reality. I truly hope that you, and countless thousands of others can release their grip on the literalization of a 2,000 year old book that continues to drive youth to the grave. But this is likely a pipe dream.

    I truly hope your words help. I truly hope 1 single person doesn’t have to be raised in the environment your precious Ryan was, where a little black book was more important than your flesh and blood son.

    One can hope.

    Stephen Barger

    • And I do hope, Stephen, because more and more Christian parents are realizing that the “traditional” conservative thinking is killing our children. I have received letters from literally hundreds of parents whose kids have just come out, and they HAVE gone to the internet to research, and they find our story.
      Maybe that isn’t hopeful to you, but it is to me. Because every child matters.
      Wishing you the best, Stephen.

      • I have read so many hate filled letters on here, that I am sick to my stomach.
        I am 65 years old and I know the world Linda and her husband grew up in.
        It is very hard to turn away from something one has been taught since early childhood. And in this case something society has taught as evil.
        That they made mistakes is true, but they have grown and have suffered or do suffer for their mistakes daily.
        We are just now having main stream Christianity change it’s opinions on gays. But more and more everyday are doing it.
        Even if you are an atheist or whatever that doesn’t give anyone the right to write the nastiness I read on here.
        Today we are seeing true Christianity move forward and slowly take over the church. But it has been a struggle and will continue to be one for many years.
        But attacking others for their mistakes is wrong. One of things Christ taught was to forgive others and to look in our hearts at our own sins. That is good advice for everyone Christian or not.
        Plus, the attacks only show one to be cruel and heartless. Linda and her husband have shown their remorse over their son, they don’t need others preaching to them. This is only doing the same thing to them that society has done to gays.
        This site should be to help others walking the hard path to acceptance of themselves and, unfortunately, how others may treat them.
        So before you write a nasty letters examine your own motives. And don’t strike out at two people who already bare the scars of their own mistakes.
        Sorry if this is a bit jumbled.
        God bless,
        Edward

      • Linda,

        I know I have harsh words. But I truly am grateful that you have chosen to open up and tell your story to the world. I can never understand the idea of treating your son the way you did. I can never understand believing an ancient story book over your own flesh and blood. But I am grateful, that despite your huge mistakes, that you are trying to help. Thank you. And I do hope this helps many misguided families. I wont pretend my words are polite, but you and your family are in my thoughts, as is your son, Ryan.

        Stephen

        • Thank you, Stephen. Your honesty is admired and appreciated.

26. As a Christian mother I have to agree and disagree with. What you believed in at the beginning was correct. You tried to let your son see that life is full of choices, all of which we are held accountable for, and that includes choosing between God or our flesh desires. Jesus said that we must never stop forgiving those that hurt us, no matter how many times they ask for forgiveness, just as He will never stop forgiving us as long as we ask. At the same time, when Paul, told the others to preach the Good Word, and if they didn’t listen, then they were to shake the dust off and have nothing to do with them. That was for those who refused to repent and change there ways. He was talking to not only to those that didn’t know Jesus yet, but also to those that were in the Church. Forgiveness can come only when a person stops committing the same sin and ask for forgiveness. If they fail and commit that sin again in a moment of weakness and again ask for forgiveness, we must forgive them. At the same time God also tells us that we will know his sheep by the fruits that they bear. Your son knew the difference between right and wrong, not matter how agonizing that was for him. He was old enough to make that decision, and he chose the road of self destruction, which had no bearing on you as parents. It was his choice, not yours. You did what God called you to do as parents. You told him that you loved him no matter what, but that doesn’t mean that you consented to his actions. You raised him up in the Lord’s way, then the choice is theirs. So stop beating yourselves up over it!

    You as parents were being tested too. I felt so sad when I read the part that you gave in and would have even consented to having met his male boyfriends. Didn’t you and don’t you even now realize that your test was to honor God’s word, and never weaken in his laws, over your love for your son? Just as your son’s love for God over his weakness was being tested, so was your your love over your weakness of your son’s love being tested.

    Please do not give into the deceit of the Enemy and approve and justify the actions of the sinners of this world, no matter who they are or what their relationship is to you. Would you approve and justify the actions of a persistent child molester, or a persistent murderer? All sin is sin in God’s eyes. It doesn’t make a difference as to how greater or lesser we humans see those sins. They are still sins, and the the choice of committing them or not lies with each one of us.

    If your continuation with having relationships with others that are homosexuals and the like, is to approve of their actions, then you are dead wrong and not listening to God’s Word at all. If your continuation with having relationships with others like that is to preach the gospel and bring them to Christ so that they change their ways, then go for it and consider it a calling. In all that you do and say, please never justify sin of any kind. In doing so, you are then also committing the same sin in your heart. Remember, Our Lord said that either we are all for Him or against Him. For those that are lukewarm, He will spew us out of His mouth! There is no in between in anything that God says and decrees.

    You know God’s word, then you must also know that Jesus warned that the child will turn against the parent, and the brother against the brother in the last days. It is a time of true testing. I pray with all of my heart that your son had time to ask Our Lord for forgiveness, but it isn’t for any of us to to judge others. That right only belongs to Jesus.

    Peace be to you and your family.

    • Annouyomus,
      You like too many others have blind followed what you have been told.
      I suggest you find a film tittled A Fish Out of Water and then do some research on a young man by the name of Michael Vines.
      I am sure Linda could recommend other reading material for you too
      God gave us brains to use. To quote as closely as I can the letter of the law kills but the spirit gives life.
      Sorry can’t give you chapter and verse.
      Also, before being so critical of others go back and read the rest of Liviticus. You will either find that you are sinning mightily or are you another that likes to cherry pick the verses you can use against others?
      Edward

    • This is what I got from your story. We must concentrate on loving people not condeming them. I have hated somebody that abused those I love in my family as children. I focused on demanding they change their behavior and be held accountable for it. They killed themself after the whole family rejected them. I believe they were enslaved to their desires. Jesus still loved them. We rejected them.

      • WOW. If only we all could love like Jesus. Lord, have mercy on me.

    • Anonymous,

      Believing a 2,000 year old book written by people, over the love of your family is a sickening idea. The concept is 100% foreign to me. But the idea that a human being, in 2014, can look at this story, and blame the parent for not being strict enough, is absolutely sickening. I am not religious, and I have no belief in an afterlife. But I believe there are good, and bad people here on earth. And an anonymous individual that could even begin to suggest that the 12 year old child was in the wrong, that the parents were in the wrong for not ostracizing their child even further, is one anonymous individual I care to never meet.

      On this subject I can only take Linda’s side. She did many evil, abhorrent things to her child in the name of god. But at least she acknowledges, looking back, she had the wrong priorities in life. And, that her actions, her beliefs, drove her son to depression, a depression that void of which, he may still be with us today.

      Linda, her family, and her church have made many mistakes. Choosing to accept her son back into her life, with his boyfriend(s) is not one of those mistakes.

      Linda, again, your Ryan, and even you, are in my thoughts. I wish nothing but the best for your family. While I do not share your religious views, I do have empathy. And Ryan’s story makes me realize that even in the most conservative, religious households, there is change and acceptance in 2014. I only wish this had happened in your house early enough to save Ryan. But I hope that his story saves many more. I hope that hateful people like that above don’t shake your faith that your actions in the end were the right ones. Family, love, come first.

      Stephen
      And notice, even when I criticize, I use my full name. I have nothing to hide, unlike some hateful people here.

      • Stephen, thank you. Thank you for hoping, with us, that Ryan’s story can save others. Though our beliefs may differ, I think our goals are the same, and I am grateful for you.

27. Why cant we just simply love our children and except them for who they are!!! Society says we should be this way or that way I say we just be a loving example!!!!

28. Linda,
    Sorry to hear about your son’s death and sorry you had to learn in such a harsh way that being gay isn’t a choice. My mom and I went for several years without speaking because she had a problem with me being a lesbian. One of the things that helped us was me sending her some information from PFLAG. Have you ever heard of them?

    I’m not going to rant and I’m certainly not going to preach at you. You’ve learned a harsh lesson and I’m glad that you are with your words helping others. Have you ever heard of a woman named Kathy Baldock and her site called Canyonwalker Connections?
    I’ll share her site with you and this was one of the things I read from her. No, I’ll not go back to being a Christian ever again, but I do see hope with folks like her and you.
    http://canyonwalkerconnections.com/ten-things-i-wish-i-knew-ten-years-ago-about-gay-people/

    I wish your family the best
    Gryph

    • Thank you, Gryph, for your kindness. Yes, I am well acquainted with PLFAG…they are great. And Kathy, as well…had the pleasure of meeting her at the Gay Christian Network conference last January. Wishing you the best, as well.

29. Hi there,

    I’m a gay guy 36 y/o, married with a men and with a normal life. It was so touching reading your history. To my parents on that time was so hard to understand and accept it but fortunately they did. I’m so sorry you have to go through all this to understand that Ryan was pretty normal, full of God’s desires and love. But you learned and his last year’s you been with him, loving and respecting him. That’s what you have to keep . It’s a wonderful testimonial, although it’s sad, it can help a lot of parents to understand that mostly it’s not a choice, it’s something you are, – just because you breathe!
    Thanks for sharing this and God bless u all. Ryan is proud of you, I’m sure.
    Love from Barcelona, Spain. RODRIGO

30. My heart truly goes out to you and your family in this difficult time. I want you to know that not everybody in the LGBT++ community hates you, just that so many of us have difficult stories and I think the pain we still carry, will always carry with us, clouds our minds from the fact that this really is a message of love. A message of hope. A show of compassion that your son may not have known but that is being turned around to save others from the same fate. He didn’t die in vain, in a way, he died so that others may live. Good luck to you on your now life saving mission and God bless

31. My heart goes out to you in your loss, because I know the pain of growing up different to my siblings. I liked arts and crafts and the finer things in life,I never wanted to be a grease- monkey like my brothers. But all through my years of growing up I was made to feel unwanted and worthless by a mother who told me I was a mistake. I married under familiar pressure and it was not successful. I Divorced, I met the person who loved me for me a beautiful man, a very spiritual man who taught me so much about accepting and loving myself and that Christ loved me for me unconditionally. He pointed out that Christ never said anything about being gay, He just commanded us to love one another as He loved us. It is only man’s interpretations of the Bible and those interpretations are wrong and has caused so much pain and anger at the LGBT community.
    You tried to love your son the only way you knew how, Children do not come with a dummies handbook and you learn along the way. Its a continual growing process, You grow with your child and often forget the important parts of life, like teaching them about sexuality, theirs in particular. Possibly because you have not come to terms with your own or the fact that you were taught that sex was for procreation only, but you were not taught to love unconditionally or knew how to do so when faced with something different or another way of loving. In your eyes you were doing your best but you interpreted what your pastor said was true, but it was not. God the Creator of all, Father of all, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit Loves each and everyone of us, no matter what and if we Believe that we are made in God’s perfect image, then He or she if we use the term Creator has all the attributes of humankind and all its frailties which He created within ALL of us. Remember that God forgives us our sins and that Christ died for ALL not just a select few to redeem us.
    I urge you to read the Gospels and not just the Pauline or Johanine theology which shaped Christianity again and see the love poured out within them. Forget the Old Testament and the Old Covenant but learn to live the life of the NEW Covenant, the covenant of Love and acceptance of all.
    God Loves you and has forgiven you of your mistakes, Be thankful that you had the time with your son Ryan and know that out of his love for you, he told you about himself that he felt he could not tell anyone else but his mom and pop, in the hope they would understand.
    We make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. May you help others in their journey as parents with problems accepting their children who come out as gay and may your lives be enriched by helping those people. God Bless you in your journey.

    • And God bless you, Ted…So grateful that you have found such unconditional love in Christ and in your wonderful husband. And thank you for your grace!

      • If I can help in any Way, Linda, to listen, or just anything you want to say, here is the hand of love and friendship being offered to you,. email me and I will get back to you ASAP. Blessings to you and yours. GBU. I can be reached at wyc1421@aol.com.

        • Thank you so much, Ted! If you are on FaceBook, find me there (Linda Mueller Robertson). Currently, my FB messages and email are out-of-control full…I am WAY behind on them. Thanks for your kindness!

32. I am truly sorry for your loss. I know that Ryan watches over you both and is so very proud to have you as his parents. Ryan is smiling each and every time you share your story. I hope you continue on doing this wonderful work you are doing. I have a son, 27 years old. He is gay. He has always been wonderful. He is smart, kind, loving, funny, handsome, responsible, mature and so much more. Many times I thought he may be gay. Some of his friends mentioned it. I truly felt I would be fine with it if that was the case. But he hadn’t told me so I felt sure he wasn’t. He would of told me. We are close, I am a single mother and have been for most of his life. He would surely tell me. He began drinking at some point. Maybe out of curiosity as a teenager, but it progressed as his grandpa got sick with pancreas cancer. And the drinking continued when his grandma became ill with breast cancer and Alzheimer’s. My son helped me care for my dying mother. He moved back home so he, his brother and I could spend my mothers last days together. The drinking continued. He would go to jail at least three times for DUI. After my mother passed, the drinking continued. How could this be??? He was so smart 95% of the time, but add alcohol and that responsible son of mine vanished. I worried about him always. I smothered him and text him to the point of aggravation. He would ignore me. Well, eventually he came out. I had many conversations with my baby sister about that and his drinking and the possibility of the connection. I think she was trying to prepare me. You see, once out, many family and friends were not surprised he was gay. I just knew I loved him, I needed him and I wanted him to be able to lead his life being himself. We have had a wonderful journey in the past six years. I am proud of my son. I love him so very much. My sons name is Ryan and I am thankful to have him in my life. I have learned a lot from Ryan. I know it is time to educate and accept….because after all….love is love. God bless you and your family. Your story has moved me to tears, stay strong and faithful for your Ryan!

    • So thankful, with you, for yours, Denise!

33. This is a long, complicated story. I have only a simple, message…love. God loves us no matter what. He who is without sin cast the first stone. That is what I say to all those who condemn for whatever reason. They have no right to usurp God. It is He who will do the judging, not us. What your son is or is not, concerning his relationship with God, is between him and God. No one else. What is in your heart is between you and God and no one else. Praise be to God for Jesus. If we belong to Him 100%, then our sins have been covered by Him. We all have sins. It is man that seems to put priority on our sins…some lessor, some greater. As far as I know, there is only one unforgivable sin….blaspheme the Holy Spirit. Let’s not all try and figure out just what God will or will not forgive in someone else. Let’s be concerned about our own souls.

    God is a loving God and He forgives you, he forgives your son, all in accordance with His will. Now try and forgive yourself through a little more faith.
    With Christian love…..

34. I am so sorry for your loss…but I am even more sorry that people feel the need to twist the knife. You learned a terrible lesson in the worst way, but you are Turning a tragedy into a hopeful light that will maybe shine into the hearts of ignorant people. I feel like I want to give you a hug – its terrible to read the heartless comments in here. Know that there are people out there – myself among them – who wish only for your peace and healing.

    • Hugs right back to you, Sarah Beth…I sure appreciate your kindness tonight.

35. There was a time I thought God must hate me, because He had not answered my pleading, fervent prayers to make me straight. At that point, I’d been praying a very long time. I’d had my first real girl crush at 12, but hadn’t figured out my difference until I was 15 or 16. I learned to pretend to like boys and through the years, I had known one or two I figured I could probably live with – because I could never, ever tell anyone the truth.

    I was a freshman in college and a girl down the hall I thought was becoming a friend stopped talking to me. When I asked her why, she said, “because you’re a lesbian!” It was the first time I had ever heard anyone call me that and it was devastating, but at the same time I knew it was true.

    But I had been raised a Christian in a conservative family and the LAST thing I wanted was to be gay. So I continued the prayers I had started as a teen and tried very, very hard to make myself straight. I slept with a guy I hardly knew, but that didn’t fix it. I threw myself into just getting through school, and when that was done, into church activities, including helping with the youth group and being a counselor at summer Bible camp. I immersed myself in the Bible and prayed even harder. If I just trusted God, I thought, He would take this away from me and give me a good husband.

    Mom wasn’t much help… She tried. She told me I needed to wear more makeup and fix my hair. She found someone for me and tried to set me up… more than once. But I was becoming more and more withdrawn, because none if it worked.

    In my mid twenties, after a painful experience with a coworker, I made the decision that I must prepare to live my life alone. I tended to keep people at arms length, because they might discover my secret if they got too close. However, I still gave a lot of room for God to work, even getting involved in a large, active singles group at a different church.

    That’s how things went until I found myself at 40, realizing I was still not straight, and feeling that God jus doesn’t love me. But that all went on the back burner as shortly thereafter, my mother found out she had ALS.

    Between helping to care for her, a full time job, and my inner turmoil, I feel into a depression and soon needed a mild antidepressant for a couple of years. Then my mother told me she wanted to “fix me” before she died. Something like an indescribable fury erupted from me as I firmly told her I DID NOT NEED FIXING.

    God was working on me and I gradually became more aware of what He was telling me. After Mom died, I’d been reading and studying and had also run across some things on the internet, and one tear-soaked night, God revealed in my heart that He loved me as I was – that there was nothing to fix about my orientation. An incredible peace came to me.

    Not long after that, I came out to my closest friends. I am 54 now. It’s still a journey, and I wish I hadn’t hidden from myself for so long. But maybe my story can help someone, just as I’m sure the story of this family is helping people.

    If anyone is struggling out there like I was, please don’t hate yourself. Know that God loves you and it is not, I repeat, NOT a requirement to be straight to be a Christian.

    • Thank you for sharing your story, Cat…it is a beautiful one. Hope to meet you sometime at GCN, my friend!

      • please take me off this feed I no longer wish to be notified from this site

        Sent from my HTC on T-Mobile 4G LTE

        • You need to take care of this yourself, sorry:
          http://en.support.wordpress.com/following/#how-to-unfollow-a-blog-if-you-are-a-wordpress-com-user

36. I have to say that I am surprised you have been getting backlash, but there are all kinds of people in the world that God hasn’t touched yet. All people make mistakes and you should forgive yourself for yours. For you did right following your faith and in turn, wanting the same for your children. Certainly there were mistakes, but you lacked understanding. Of course you did. I know that you miss Ryan terribly, and having not lost a child, I can’t begin to understand the grief of your loss, but in your heart you know that God forgives. God loves. And Ryan is at peace. He is in a better place, a place where he doesn’t have to live in fear anymore. He doesn’t have to question himself and nobody will question him. And most importantly, while he probably always questioned why he was meant to live this life – in his life (just as it was) and his death – he has left a mark on the world. His story is touching lives around the world and helping others. And even if you can’t see it – he’s given you more strength and faith than you ever had. Your eyes are no longer closed and your back is no longer turned. You are facing the world head on and one day when you meet again, Ryan will tell you how proud he is of you, that he forgives you – that he always had and that he loves you. Keep praying. Keep being grateful, for you were given a chance to love a wonderful man you called your son and that God had never promised he could be with you forever. And everyday you should tell Ryan how you feel, because he’s watching, listening and smiling down on you. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m saddened for your loss, but am comforted by the ways you have a grown as a person. You will show more kindness, more appreciation and more unconditional love because of it. This doesn’t have to be all about gay/lesbian, but showing respect and appreciation for all of God’s children, for they come in all shapes and sizes. He loves them all the same.

37. Dear Linda,
    I found your story by accident, a small link on huffpost said “A letter to the people who hate us…” I was intrigued, so I clicked it.
    Yours is the most exquisitely sad story I have ever read. My heart breaks for you and your family. But it also sings to God for you. Thank God for parents like you, who, despite everything, never stop loving their children. Who pray, and reflect on their actions, and allow God to move in their hearts, even if it means giving up long-standing beliefs and opening up to things that seemed unfathomable before. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, poignant story, for you are correct, the world needs to hear your story. It is a story of love, of faith, of grace, and of healing. You and your husband are strong and courageous people. I pray for your continued healing, I cannot being to imagine the pain and grief you must feel, but I that God has forgiven you, and so has Ryan. And as they both smile down on you from heaven, they love you more than you could ever imagine.
    Thank you for your story.
    Love and Prayers,
    Andrew II

    • Andrew…this is so beautiful and so moving…thank you for getting it that we never did stop loving Ryan, even when we were seriously misguided. And thank you for seeing and affirming that things about us that are redeeming, even when so much that we did is not. You are a gift today.

38. Wow I had the same type of conversation as you with my son when he was 12. I was born with a Christian back ground. Went to a Christian school. I saw my best friends brother dye of AIDS, as he was gay. His parents never could deal with his sexuality. When he died his parents never forgave him. So when my son told me how he felt I struggled in my heart. I told him like you he was too young to decide, but what ever he decided I would support him. I decided at that point that he should stay away from religion. I truly believe in God and so does my son but I wounder if some parts of our religion got mess up along the way. I believe God loves all his children unconditionally. My son is now married to a lady but I always wonder if this is what he wants. I can only imagine your pain. I hope your pain continues to help others.

39. I am a gay man age 57, it always amazes me that people who cause the death of the children they supposedly “love” don’t have a clue. I have to preface this with the fact that I stopped believing in god and religion around the time I realized I was gay (12 years old). Even at that age I realized the total incompatibility of the two having been raised a Roman Catholic so I chose to be an atheist. I chose freedom to be myself rather than be a whipping boy for something I had no control over.. People of so called “faith” are the ones who do the most damage to innocent gay children. You have admitted as much in your story but you do not admit that your faith was what caused his death. There is no god or religion that is true. Every religion, in every region of the world, throughout all time, is MAN MADE and have been the most destructive force this world has ever seen. Thousands of years of hatred and murder in the name of these supposed gods and where are we now? We are in the middle of the NEW crusades against Islam, another false religion, with thousands more dead. If anyone who reads this ever has a child come out to them please do not mention the bible or god or religion as your child already knows how these institutions feel about homosexuality. I hope that you just love your gay child as you always did, without judgement. I know I am happy that my parents did.

    • Ted, thanks for chiming in here.
      I agree that our “religion” caused much of the problem, but I don’t believe that God did, and yes, we still believe in God. God is the one who changed our minds and hearts, and made us realize that we needed to love our gay son exactly as he was created.
      We can agree to disagree respectfully, I hope. The people I know who are Christ-followers are anti-war, pro-gay, actively involved in feeding the hungry and fighting poverty, homelessness and in finding homes (BEING homes) for foster kids, among other good things. They are known for what and who they are FOR. That is not to say that Christians haven’t done horrible things in Christ’s name. They have. But there are also Christians who have done amazingly good things. And more and more, people are leaving religion to follow JESUS, and simply to LOVE.
      I respect your own lack of faith, though, and your desire to choose freedom as opposed to being slave to a religion or those who promote it. I wish you well, Ted.

40. Dear Linda and Rob,
    I hope that one more positive response will help go against all the hate. We who grew up evangelical, charismatic, Nazarene, or however, don’t often know how we will respond when something outside our purview hits us. It sounds like you did your best as parents and then accommodated even further.

    I know that as my parents have gotten older, they’ve done better but they didn’t have to deal with this information in my teens. My heart goes out to you and I’m so so sorry for your loss. Thank you SO much for sharing your story. As Christians, they will know us by our love and you’ve really shown that. *hugs* to you both

    *jen

    • Hugs right back to you, Jen!!

41. Also, I just read some of the comments. Please keep on remembering that My God is a Loving God. And Jesus hung out with the prostitutes. Just saying. We don’t actually know what happened 2000 years ago so the judgmental attitudes belong to YOU (ppl on this forum), not Jesus.

42. Mrs. Robertson:
    I, too, am the mom of a son who is gay. He is now 20. He has always been embraced by his family as openly gay, but still struggles on so many other levels. And I read your blog, your story…all of it. Here are my thoughts: I think people who learn and grow and go on to teach about their mistakes are some of the most powerful folks out there. Your words are sincere, honest, sometimes hard to fathom. But they garner attention and provoke thought from those who may otherwise never have thought twice. It is from this that you ensure your son’s life and memory continues to positively impact others. While nothing, perhaps, can truly dull or absolve you of your own personal pain, I hope you’ll take solace in the fact that good people sometimes screw up, and people of character find humility in learning and owning those mistakes. You have all paid a high price for the powerful, painful, self-deprecating message you now share, but I for one thank you and Ryan…your words will save whole families, and that does matter. You matter. Ryan mattered. Hang in there, from one mama to another…surely one more mom is rethinking her child and opening her mind as a result of your candor. 🙂

    • Big hugs to you, Gina…I hear your love and support loud and clear! Thank you!

43. takes a lot of courage to write and put your self out there with this topic. I know your loss. I don’t write about it, but I know it.

44. What an awe inspiring story you have to tell.

    As a gay man who grew up in conservative and Christian Texas, I know how hurtful the anti-gay rhetoric can be and what it does to ones self-image and self-worth. However, this does not give anonymous haters the right to be cruel to you and your family. Please don’t listen to the people who are saying hurtful things to you and try not to let them cause you any more pain than you already feel. I am about The same age as your son would be, and as a gay man who struggled with his sexuality through his teens, let me just say to you that I know your son Ryan would be proud of the work you are doing today. I completely understand your story and its message – you don’t want one more child to suffer from not loving themselves. If that isn’t making up for any past mistakes, I don’t know what is. And if the people who spew hatred at you don’t get it, then they are just as wrong and misguided as they claim you were in dealing with resolving your faith and your son’s sexuality. My parents always accepted my sexuality from the moment I came out, but I still fought to overcome self destructive behavior. People cannot blame your parenting for a relapse, and I pray to God that you and your husband understand that too and don’t take the evil comments to heart. Haven’t you been through enough pain already! What matters now is that your story might just save one more family from heartbreak and one more child from using drugs in an attempt to escape pain and find peace. If your story changes the mindset of only one mother or father and helps bring only one child out of the darkness of self hatred, then I would venture to say Ryan will live on forever with them. You are doing wonderful work, please don’t let the hatred from others hurt you and stop you from telling your story.

    Much love and kindness,
    Kyle

    • Kyle…Wish I could give you a huge hug…Thank you, thank you, thank you.

45. Hello
    I wanted to let you know that I watched you and your husbands speech and video and I cried for you during the entire time, I was like your son for so many years, more than you can count, because of the same family values of my parents and their church. But now we are all at peace and have learned to love deeply because of people like you helping others. thank you for everything your doing and yes new memories are being made with him cause he is looking down of all these people being in touch with you and his legacy across the world. XO Paul Duseau

46. So touching. I am a divorced mother of 4. With 1 gay son. My being single and supporting and having unconditional love for that son, is a main reason for my divorce. We are Christians. Mormons. I have been forced to choose. My friends and family in my church or my son. I chose my children. God gave them to me to love and care for. This is my gift for my lifetime, and even though they are all grown and moved away, I am still and ways be their mother.
    My heart aches for you. For your loss. For your lessons and milestones. For all that Ryan was. For all he could have been.
    Still, he chose to get high, not to be gay. The addiction killed your son. Not your lack of understanding. Oh how I wish children and life came with a better and more understandable hand book.

    I love your courageous efforts and hope you can heal someday.

    Ann, Jacks mom

    • Ann, I would love for you to join our private group of Christian moms with LGBTQ children on FaceBook…I think you would find it really encouraging. Find me on FaceBook (Linda Mueller Robertson) so I can tell you more about it!

47. You’re making a difference by telling your story, Linda. Somewhere, frightened and confused parents will read this and respond to their gay or transgendered child’s coming out very differently than they would have otherwise. Just as you will always carry the grief of Ryan’s loss with you, you deserve to carry some measure of the happiness that will be created by your willingness to share this painful and honest account.

    No person is perfect, but if we can forgive ourselves, we can do great good in the world.

    You and your family will be in my thoughts for a long time.

    • Matt, thank you. It is those very parents who have contacted us that makes this worth it. I sure appreciate your encouragement, truly.

48. I watched the entire video of your story and have read it as well. I’m trying, really I am, to wrap my mind around your heartbreaking story and the words and message you now want to comvert. I do not doubt your sincerity and that you want your story to bring light and healing to others.

    But there’s something missing. You still adhere to a Christian faith and a belief system that is at the core of such heartache. Though I doubt that Jesus is to blame, the evangelical mainstream Christian religion that diminishes the value of and so easily judges us in the GLBT community actually makes little sense.

    Did I miss the memo? Has something changed?

    In the past week there was a sense of hope that possibly growth and change was happening with the Catholic faith at the center of its core tenets through the Vatican. But it was a false alarm. Nothing changed, nothing happened and the hypocrisy and self righteousness and judgment will only continue. All while a good number of closeted gay priests wrapped in regal vestments release their pent up sexual identities with boys and young men in the church.

    I was kicked out of my Baptist church for merely sharing my confusion and struggle with gay feelings. I had not acted upon anything up until that time and was actually very innocent compared to the red-blooded ‘normal’ high school boys. And all of those loving ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ rejected me. Since I couldn’t truly ‘repent,’ and turn 180 degrees away from the feelings and identity I was experiencing, there was no place for me.

    There was, however, some information provided to get in touch with reparative therapy groups to pray the gay away. I did look and virtually all of it was a sham. Gays pathetically trying to change with the endless pleading to God while they constantly stumbled in their affection and sexual exploration with one another racked with guilt and shame. Oh so healthy and healing that was.

    And years later after a very long, arduous and painful journey, and out of sheer exhaustion, I finally found self-acceptance. The self loathing and shame subsided over time until they finally came to an end.

    Any thought of reconciling with that Christian community seems ludicrous to me now. And therein lies my confusion.

    What are you actually saying? Are you really accepting or embracing individuals who have a same-sex orientation? Still sounds a bit iffy to me.

    Many of those ‘friends’ in that Baptist youth group went on to Biola College. Their position did not change.

    You see, it seems your God/Jesus is not big enough for us. And we’re likely at the top of the shit list. Perverts don’t you know. Followed by the murderers so I guess were in good company. Then next up is everyone worshipping all those ‘other’ false Gods. No place for the Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, and on and on. Even the Native Americans who don’t ‘belief in Jesus’ are lost.

    Just the sanctimonious ‘true’ Christians following Jesus will get to the other side. I’m just not buying it. Didn’t make much sense then and certainly doesn’t today.

    Now you get to share your compelling story and deeply move people to sympathy. But the real anguish resided in the psyche of your son. I know. But somehow I managed to make it through those years maybe because I didn’t get hooked on drugs, who knows. So staying connected to a religious system that brought that about is very hard to understand.

    • tliszt, I agree COMPLETELY with so much of what you said. And the Jesus I follow IS big enough. We attend a very large non-denominational church that has encouraged us to start a group for LGBT people called Affirming Hope. Currently, we have about 35 people in our group…about 20 of them come to our house every Wednesday night. Are we affirming, YES. COMPLETELY. We have three dating couples in our group, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we have three weddings in the next couple of years. And Rob and I will cry tears of joy with each of them as they celebrate.

      So though I agree, much of the evangelical church is not changing (in fact, it seems like they are getting MORE conservative), there is a large movement of progressive Christians who are. Many of them read Rachel Held Evan’s blog, and books by people like Rob Bell, Brian McLaren and Peter Enns. We have a dear friend who is a Southern Baptist Pastor who has recently come out as affirming. None of these people think the gay community is on ANY shit list, and neither are those with other faiths. There are actually a LOT of us who think that the Bible poses more questions than answers, and that the only thing we know for sure is that we are called to love God with all of our heart, soul & mind, and love our neighbors as ourselves.
      I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I hope you do, because you and I agree about many more things than you realize. I like you, actually, and am glad you posted here. I wish you well.

      • Thank you, Linda. Admittedly I have a lot of energy behind my words. Much of it is my own pain experienced directly from the Christian community. But I also carry a big grief. My parents divorced when I was almost 9. After that, my father was fairly distant and we saw him for weekly visitation, but on many levels any real connection I had to him kind of faded over time. When I was 22 years old, my father took his life. And after his suicide, because of his partner revealing the truth, I learned for the first time that my father was a closeted gay man. He had been gay for many years, but let a completely closeted double life.

        So I never knew my father as a gay man, nor did he know me. That event has brought a dark cloud over my life that I worked so many years to be free of. It is only the last couple of years (I am 57!) that I have done the work to heal the wounds of my father’s suicide. There is more to the story. How cruel he was to me as a very young boy. How he mocked me and shamed me, and in retrospect it is likely that he wanted to ‘toughen me up’ somehow to prevent me from being gay and suffering as he did. So he ridiculed my voice, if I cried, he mocked me. If I skipped with my sister as a young child, he yelled at me saying, “stop acting like a girl.” It was persistent and very hurtful. Since I was pretty sure I was a boy at that age, and because I had no issues of confusion about gender, the only thing I heard from my father was that somehow there was something wrong with me. I have internalized that for a lifetime. Because after the messages from my father, there was society, then the church I joined after ‘accepting Jesus’ through Campus Life in High School. I too remained closeted and struggled deeply with self acceptance, but finally I did come out. The wounds still exist, and sometimes it seems they are still quite raw as they finally are healing. I cry so easily now. And frequently. And this after, quite literally, going for a good 30 years never crying. But I believe with each tear there is healing. And I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not quite sure how Jesus could possibly fit into this equation because all I heard from that Baptist pulpit was hellfire and brimstone, self righteousness and harsh judgment, and the worst of it all always saved for an angry rant against homosexuals. It always seemed so strange, all this energy about gay people… Why not the same rant against hypocrisy or infidelity in a marriage, and on and on the sin list goes. Of course with them it also included the horrible sins of school dances or playing cards or the clothes girls wore if they were provocative toward boys and swear words. So much detail. But all along I would think, “I think God cares about your heart” and likely less about all of these rather inconsequential behaviors.

        But the pain of that rejection makes it hard for me to ever imagine a loving and supportive community among Christians. I’ve never seen it to tell you the truth.

        >

        • Tim, I am crying with you. Thank you so much for giving me the honor of hearing your story; I am incredulous that you’d ever give ANY Christians the time of day. No wonder you have such doubt that real, supportive, authentic Christians exist.
          And your dad…oh my gosh. What pain he inflicted upon you…because he was living in such horrible pain himself. I can’t begin to imagine what HIS life must have been like. So many things for you to grieve, Tim. We, like you, believe that tears are healing…I have a hard time crying (my husband does not; he can cry at will), so when I do, I am incredibly thankful.
          It sounds like you are on a lifetime journey of healing and growing…I am right there with you. And I couldn’t agree more…God cares about our hearts so much more than some list of behaviors we have to avoid.
          Wish we could sit down for a long talk and a cup of coffee…I am so thankful to have “met” you here. Much love to you, new friend.

49. I am so sorry for the terrible price all of you paid to learn this all encompassing lesson.
    And I thank you for your courage in sharing your journey. I hope others can take in the message and learn this truth with less agony than you and and yours have endured.

50. I really have no words to say as no one but Jesus can fully understand what you have gone through. God does love you, and He asks us to do the same. We love and He does the rest. Receive His forgiveness and forgive yourselves, let His love wash over you.