On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.
But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
Just Because He Breathes 
2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
Linda,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a gay man myself, and I went through years of challenge with my parents when I came out. I thank you so very much for being brave enough to share what happened with your son. I feel awful that members of my community would reach out to you with hate, and wish only the best for you and yours. I know that if my parents had heard your family’s story when I was growing up, my life would be immensely different. You must keep sharing this. I know that if this would’ve changed the course of my life growing up, you are likely to change hundreds of lives in the future.
You and your family will be in my thoughts daily.
Warmly,
Ryan
Denver, CO
Dear Linda,
You are exceptionally brave. Your family is brave. Ryan was brave. And while, yes… you made mistakes (don’t we all… something about casting a stone comes to mind), know that he was brave because you taught him that. There were good lessons you taught him too. You are not now, nor ever were, bad parents. Just parents who taught good lessons and bad ones. Most importantly, you learned from your own mistakes (which is more than many can say) and your surviving children will learn that important lesson from you. I do not understand how anyone can respond to your story with hate; but ultimately, that is their own lesson to learn. Perhaps your story will be a teaching tool in that lesson, perhaps not.
Linda, I feel some of your pain as I too have lost my only child, and while it was due to illness and over 15 years ago, I feel guilty that I wasn’t able to save her. I made choices about her quality of life and that ended up shortening her life. As parents, we expect ourselves to be perfect when in reality all we can do is what we believe is best at the time. We are humans with flaws and sometimes they cause us the greatest of pains.
I have learned since then that the most important lessons we learn in life are often the most costly to us. Tragically, yours is the highest price we can pay. I have often felt that way. But I’ve come to believe that God knew I needed to learn some very important things about life, and having my daughter and her shorter life was part of the process. I had a purpose I would never have found had I never gone through the entire experience of her life, including the tragedy, had everything ended up happily ever after.
I still suffer her loss every day. I feel that indescribable pain every day. But it is tolerable now because I know now what and how my life’s purpose is. It sounds from your story you have found your purpose as well. You’ve learned the most difficult of lessons and it sounds like God has shown you your true purpose. Maybe He felt you needed to “get it” in order to achieve your highest purpose.
Many people find it difficult to understand how I can still have faith in God when He allows these types of tragedies to happen. I tell them I’ve come to believe that not all people are intended to live long full lives. That they are given to us for a period of time to achieve a certain purpose and once achieved it is time for them to move on. Otherwise the life lesson would not be learned and the LGBTQ of this world would not have the amazing advocate they have in you. God knows how badly “the Church” needs to learn this all important lesson. Who better than you to teach it?!!
I’ll pray for you, Linda, that your pain eases and that you may find some purpose in the very important work you are now doing. God bless you and your family and Ryan.
And I will pray for you, Julie, as you live out God’s purpose for you without your precious girl. ❤
Linda,
I am also the mother of a gay son. I will admit it was very difficult for me when he came out. He was scared to death of my reaction as I am too, a very religious person. My way of coping with my pain is writing poems and songs ( I am actually a pediatrician). I will share the poem I wrote capturing my son’s painful voyage through life hiding this secret from us. Every time I feel sad about his situation, I read this poem and realize how wrong we are not accepting this. I also posted a you tube video of the song and I hope this will bring solace to all and that it will change some minds about accepting the LGBT community.
In The Matters of Love:
Listen to me please
Come and sit here by my side
I have something to say
That I’ve hidden inside me all my life
And after today
I hope you don’t deny
The great love you’ve always shown to me
All through my life
In the matters of love
And who gives me happiness
I have some differences you see
Something I hope you can accept.
I was born this way
And it was not my choice
Oh you see that’s the way
I was created by our God
When I was a child
I felt something different deep inside
And I could not understand
Why I felt that way.
My confusion grew
As my religion preached to me
That people who felt like I did
Were living their life in sin.
So I spent all of my life
Faking the matters of heart
And building a shelf around myself
To hide my feelings from the world
And all of you right here
Would always say to our friends
How immensely proud you were
Of the person I had become.
So today I ask of you
To please accept me as I am
I’m still the same one who you loved
and loved you back
Oh…Don’t you feel sorry for me
Cause I’ve found love and happiness
By not having to pretend
In the matters of love…
You Tube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k0SupE175
Linda,
I came across your article on HuffPost and I want to thank you for sharing your story. It’s not right that you’re being accosted for telling us about Ryan’s tragedy; unfortunately, the internet is full of sadists and people whose opinions are larger than their hearts.
You deserve to forgive yourself because all of your actions were out of love. Perhaps they were also borne of fear, but only the selfless fear of losing your eldest son.
The tragedy Ryan lived is far too common, but it didn’t play out because you failed him. Let’s be honest: church failed him, America failed him, even some of the scriptures failed him.
You need to continue to share your story, to fight for the freedom, health, and sanity of LGBTQ youth, even in the face of cruel criticism. The mortal truth of your experience isn’t for liberals with little or no connection to conservative Christianity who find it all too easy to condemn you. It’s for the people who stumble across your story on the net and may not even comment; it’s for people who haven’t read Prayers for Bobby, who also fear “the gay lifestyle,” who want the best for their children but wouldn’t know what to do in the situation you faced in 2001.
And it’s for Ryan, who can see from heaven how much his mother loved and always will live him.
You got it, Mario…it is for those families who have stumbled across our story a few months – or weeks – before their own child comes out. THOSE families make it worth it all. And I love what you said about it being for Ryan. Thank you.
Greetings Robertson family,
I honestly don’t know where to begin to start…I came across this topic reading something off Huffington Post and as always I tend to get off topic and start reading things that really grab my attention. (I apologize in advance if I write too much, so much dawned on me here.) First off, I think it is so disrespectful with how people react negatively to your story and how they will take the first opportunity to say how wrong and bad someone is. I think I’ve learned being from the conservative side of things is we all make mistakes, we’re human and it’s in our nature to screw up from time to time. What matters most is we have a God that’s forgiving and shows unconditional love for us regardless of our past mistakes. He truly loves us because He breathed life into us and called us His own. What really scared me the most is how very much Ryan and I are alike, upbringings and so on. I’ve always had a deep spiritual connection with God and I think He’s been my rock throughout my struggles.
I can’t help but feel that Ryan and I are alike in some ways. Ryan’s choices with turning to drugs, were the choices I almost made myself. I couldn’t find myself to do them because something was preventing me from doing so. I went through a time of depression and felt so much like an embarrassment to my family that I wasn’t like the other boys in my classroom. I couldn’t play sports nor did I have an interest in talking about them. I look back thinking that all the signs of my sexuality were there, I just never had the strength like Ryan did to admit it. As I read through some of the posts of your blog, I felt like they really helped me put things into perspective. I feel a great sadness for your loss, Ryan seems like he would be great to have in company as a friend. I get the impression he has a big heart for people. Occasionally, I think what if I would’ve ended my life and seeing how different things would’ve been without me being around…and I realize that God has a purpose for me, He still has plans for me to do something to help others. Being in my twenties now, I understand that everything has a reason. God works in mysterious ways and even when I feel I’ve fallen, He picks me up. Thank you for this helpful blog, for allowing me to say a few things and I absolutely wish more people would read this.
I am SURE that God has a purpose for your life, Andrew! You sound like an amazing man…and I bet you would have liked Ryan. And he would have liked you. 🙂
Your courage has touched me on more than one level. Your courage to share your story your courage to admit and truly be remorseful for your mistakes and most of all your courage to change your thinking. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you. May the Lord be gracious to you and give you peace.
What an incredible story of your journey. Your son would be so proud of the distance you have traveled. Spreading the word of your transformation will most certainly save other families the pain if discovery you have has to make. As we recover at Sandy Hook School from the trauma that visited us I took great comfort in your words. Peace
Praying for all of you, Mary Ann, in your grief journeys…
i see so many comments here and i didnt read them because i get the gist from your more recent huffington post article. i am so very sorry for your loss. i cannot imagine not having my son to hold on to. we do what we are taught and how would you know any different? God is good. that is for sure and i pray that you find healing. God is good. my son is 15 and came out to me two years ago. i look at him everyday and know for sure that there is a God, because when i see him, the only question i ask is, how could there NOT be a God. God is good. my prayers are with you and your family. without rest and without ceasing i will pray for healing for your family. God is always good.
Thank you for this beautiful story.I to have a gay son and he was to a drug user and I am so proud of him for turning his life around and I understand how u felt when u found out your son was gay but I worked it out with my self real fast and just loved him I am so sorry for your loss ur story can help people don’t let the negative one take u down ..thank you
It is my belief that we all make choices in life, hard ones, because our souls worked together before coming to earth to learn lessons from each other that help us grow and help others to grow and this was your relationship with your son, love and lessons, growth. You should not hate yourself or blame yourself. You were learning to strip away your old beliefs that conditioned you but you, through God’s grace {as hard as it is your son going missing helped you to see the like and wake up to reality} and your own inner work, you came around to know the truth which is when Jesus says to love unconditionally- he means it no matter what “rules” that old bible states. You listened to God and accepted your son. You made it! You endured the beginning of your journey and your challenge to overcome fear and old erroneous beliefs and you DID IT. You were successful, not failures. You embraced your son which is what God wanted from you. Maybe that was when your son’s role on earth ended and he is now moved on. But YOU are here to continue to fulfill your very important role in educating people on unconditional love. Please don’t hate yourselves; God does not want that for you no matter what other unenlightened people tell you. My heart is breaking for you and your loss but more because you are hating yourselves. So stop- become more aware- know you have what done God asked of you, and you are continuing to. Read about soul mates and soul contracts and try to heal your inner anguish; life happens for a reason, even the hard stuff. Continue to open minds and hearts.
For your son, and you. I love you, and God loves you, no matter what you think right now. Hugs.
Linda,
As a parent I read your story with both anger and incredible sadness. The fact that you’ve opened yourself up to the rage and insults of people who’ve lived the same struggles that your son did, and more, that you actively work to understand the emotions they need to express speaks deeply about the sincerity of your change of heart and your need to help other families avoid your tragedy. As the atheist daughter of a Southern Baptist minister, I agree that a lot of evil has been done in the name of religion. But religion isn’t going anywhere. People like you and the families joining with you are crucial in moving religion, and therefore the world, in a more caring, accepting, and loving direction. What you’re doing is important and I applaud you for having the strength to face all the consequences in order to be an agent for change. It honors your son in an extraordinary way and I hope it helps bring peace to your family.
Lessa, thank you for seeing that our hope is to BE agents of change speaking out from within a conservative church community.
Your anger is extremely valid…I look back and am angry at myself, too.
My best to you, Lessa…
When I first came across your story I wasn’t sure what to expect. I first read the article about why you told your story so when I clicked the link here I was surprised. By the many hate-filled comments I saw, I thought you had disowned your son. What I found were loving parents who made some mistakes. Who in this world hasn’t made mistakes? I know I have. I know I have plenty more to make, but my mistakes, big or small, are mine. Just as yours are your own. We learn from them, teach from them, and should suffer judgement from noone. It is true that this turned fatal, but I do not think you should shoulder all the blame. You did what you thought was best and you were wrong, but do the people who introduced him to drugs not share blame? I don’t believe homosexuality is unnatural. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in being judgemental. I believe in being a good person, treating people with kindness, forgiveness, and not needing a religion to motivate me to be that way. That being said, I do not understand why people feel the need to attack you with such hate and bring your choice of faith under fire. We all live different lives and all have different faiths, but at the end we are all the same. We all have common ground. I am an atheist. You are evangelical. We are both human. We are both parents. We both make mistakes. I don’t know if this will mean anything to you, but I do not condemn you, judge you, or hate you. I see you as you are, human.
Sorry Lady. Tell it to the “nicer” Christians at your new fellowship. If it hadn’t been YOUR son that was driven to misery and drug overdose by your ignorant bigotry and intolerance, you’d still be the same ignorant hateful person judging and feeling superior to gay people and their families. IF your son were straight or still alive and in the closet, you’d still be praying and hating and feeling oh so sorry for those poor sinners, wouldn’t you? Now that YOU are faced with the horror and grief of your son’s death, you have all the empathy in the world now, don’t you? You wouldn’t have cared so much about all the gay kids who are driven to despair and suicide by religious people just like you if your wretchedness didn’t hit home in a tragedy. Well save it. Too late.
Maybe you are right, Mary…maybe I still would be ignorant. I don’t honestly know.
But now that I do know the truth, and I do care deeply, I am responsible to help others who still don’t.
Reading your story brought tears to my soul. I believe by you sharing your story , you and your family WILL alter so many lives for the betterment of the family unit.
Please, know that those who speak ill words and hatred towards you, do not speak for our entire community. We each have our journey in life, and these people need to heal from their own wounds. Which has nothing to do with you personally.
I am thankful that I have a loving family. I’ve never turned to drugs. Even though my father does not fully understand my sexuality, he shows me love.
I’ve shared your story on my facebook page. I am counting on it being shared many more times over, if I can help it.
… I just want to say thank you. I lost my husband in the war. I came out afterwards. I’ve battled feeling of guilt for not being truthful with him. But, somewhere in my heart I know he is still with me and loves me just the same.
As I hope you find comfort in knowong your Son is still with all of you and loves you just the same. More-so.
May peace and healing find its way into your home
Tanis-Arlene, thank you for sharing your story and your own grief…I am so moved that so many of us have more in common than we’d think, at first glance. Since posting this blog, over and over I’ve seen the power that love has to heal, and it amazes me every time. Thank you for being part of that, new friend!
Mary,
I’m sorry you feel this way about what Linda posted in regards to her son. I think she gets a lot of hateful responses because of her and her family’s mistake. The thing is they learned from their mistake. It may have been the hard way, but they learned. Many in her shoes don’t. She is willing to take a stand by posting this blog airing her and her family’s mistake publicly which means she was willing to risk the hateful most judgmental comments from both the LGBTQA community and allies and the Christian community. The difference between her mistake and the mistake so many others (myself included) make is basically nothing because we both end up spewing hateful, judgmental comments. She’s already suffered the ultimate consequence. She lost her son. They don’t even have a word for losing your child. I am a straight ally of the LGBTQA community and I have advocated for equality and have been loud and proud about it. I have dealt with judgmental Christians, Jews, Muslims, etc. who can’t see through their own hate and the consequences of following a doctrine that actually enables and excuses the hate. However, the fact that Linda posted this actually shows that if there is anything she can do to take a stand for those who ended their lives due to the hate and unloving response they received, and those who succumbed to drug addiction and died of overdoses, she is doing it with this blog. I don’t remember hearing any apologies from the Bridegroom family when they didn’t allow his partner or six years to see his body after his death from an accident. So obviously they didn’t give a rat’s ass. This woman does and I’m proud of her. I don’t know her, but I’m proud of her because I know this is hard. So before you judge her and put her down and try to hurt her (the way I’m guessing you were hurt by hateful people and if that is true I am so sorry and know that i think they are wrong for it) think about what she is now trying to accomplish.
Ami
Hi Linda,
I stumbled across your blog from the HuffPost article. I am straight and have several gay friends –a few of whom are Christians who have wrestled heavily with the conflict between being Christian and being gay. Some aren’t Christians (or I’m not sure if they are or aren’t), but are in committed relationships. There’s one lesbian couple I hang out with regularly and I really value their friendship (this may sound silly, but I lost my dog last year and then met this couple this year –they’ve picked me up several times to take me to their house so I can visit with their dogs for some dog therapy –and it’s meant SO much to me! As well as the evenings spent playing games and talking –they are amazing, loving people and I thank God for them!). I’ve been looking at ways I can love and support these dear friends in my life. I have spent hours now reading through your blog, through the resources (I have several added to my wish list on Amazon –I plan to begin with “Torn” as soon as I have the funds to buy it or can find it through the library’s digital collection).
I want my gay friends to know that not all Christians hate them. That they are loved and that they matter. They matter an awful lot. It hurts me so much to see so much hate from people who claim to follow Jesus. Even if you feel conviction that something is wrong (even though I’m not really sure at this point after reading so much that it is wrong or a sin –still investigating and wrestling with that question trying to sort out truth from everything I’ve been taught and had accepted unquestioningly from church), I can’t reconcile the living, breathing, wonderful people I know and the hate I hear being taught and propelled along by certain groups (um, gay people aren’t the enemy –the real enemy is injustice, inequality, people in need of food, shelter, clothing, etc. –take care of the orphans, the widows, and the strangers–make sure people with disabilities have equal access in our society and equal status (I am a person with a disability–part of a minority group in the U.S. still fighting for basic civil rights 24 years after the passage of the ADA) –if even half the energy spent combating the “gay problem” was spent on those things, our country and our world would be a LOT different and a LOT better!)
Anyway, I see my gay friends as people first –their sexuality is such a small part of who they are as people. I don’t know why that is so much a focus to so many. I just see my friends –the people I love and care about. And I want to support them and show love the best I can in the face of a Christian subculture that teaches that they are somehow less than any other human being (which I just don’t understand). I hope to arrive at a better understanding of my friends and their experiences.
Thank you for providing a safe place to talk. I could never post something like this on my Facebook wall –I have too many evangelical, VERY conservative friends (I live in the Bible Belt in a red state) and family who would jump all over me for even thinking about loving and supporting my gay friends. And that saddens me greatly.
I really wish I could be more openly supportive of my friends –other than telling them in private that I am. I hate having to hide it from most people out of fear of being cast out from my “Christian circle”. I’m trying to figure out concrete, meaningful ways to show my support and love.
You have done the thing that many straight, conservative Christians don’t do, unless they have to…you have LISTENED. And you have LOVED…and we can’t have relationships with people without being changed. What God is doing in you, through your friends, is beautiful. You give me hope that the next generation – even in a red state in the Bible Belt – is going to change the world.
Did you see the link I share about Canyonwalker Connections? Here’s a link to them again, as long as Linda doesn’t mind. It is her blog after all. 🙂 Talk with Kathy and see if she can help you come up with ways to share what you’ve learned.
Christian gay guy here. The pain of your heartbreak and the passion you have to show love reads loud and clear. Forgive those whose pain and personal path keeps them from being able to see it. My prayers for you would be to find peace that transcends and strength to keep putting your story out there as a means of hope and reconciliation.
Love,
Scott
Scott…Hope and reconciliation – YES. Love that. And much love to you, Scott.
What a deplorable waste of a beautiful life. Just because ‘it says so in the bible’
This must be the saddest example of misguidedness I have ever witnessed
Poor child. And I also pity the rest of your children.
Sue, it IS a horrible example of misguidedness. I agree with you.
But Ryan died in the arms of his father, with his three siblings and me surrounding him. And HE KNEW he was loved like crazy. And so do our other kids, who are all wonderful young adults.
My best to you, Sue.
i was moved by your post and blogs. I too had a gay son he died of cancer 7 years ago. I always knew and celebrated the way he was born. No one is right in beating you up. We all make mistakes as parents…my son was a devoted Christian I fall into spiritual not religious
That being said my son made his death beautiful in his steadfast belief in Christ. There is no way to take your pain away but don’t let anyone tell you you did not live your boy!! That is clear. Thank you for reminding everyone to be human is about making mistakes and learning. That is how we all grow not by treating each other apart. My heart sends comfort to you no matter how we may lose our Children we know that we lived them perfectly imperfect
LInda–
I am a mother of 5 children, ages 19 down to 7, and I can’t thank you enough for your amazingly brave blog postings. I came upon your latest post last night, and I stayed up late reading your amazing story. Honestly, I was up all night thinking of you. I wrote about you, and Ryan’s story, in my blog, mylittlebitsofstring@blogspot.com. I don’t normally do that, but your story really moved me.
I will pray for you and Ryan, and for your healing. Anyone who could criticize you after reading your words is not worth your time/life energy. It is clear to me that for all those years after Ryan first confided in you, you did the best you could do to love Ryan as best you could at that time, and that you eventually saw a different way. You cannot be criticized for that. Ryan obviously loved you and your husband so much–his letter to his father is a testament to that unbelievable love.
You cannot blame yourself. You, your husband, Ryan….you are just fallible human beings. You all did the best you could, under the circumstances. You were so blessed to have him in your lives, and I believe you will see him again, and that his life, and his passing, was something really exceptional–just look at these hundreds of responses you have received. Surely, you have emboldened people to acknowledge themselves, and parents to learn to accept their children…just because they breathe. What a powerful message. I know you have changed the way I will parent in the future. I have told my children all today “I love you just because you breathe.” They all looked at me for a minute, and I explained, “I just love you. No conditions, no matter what. I will love you just because you breathe.”
Thank you for teaching me that lesson. I haven’t needed it yet with my own children, but if I do, I thank you for letting me know your story, and for growing from it.
So much love to you, Leslie…thank you for taking the time out of your own incredibly busy schedule to read our story. Your kindness means so much. ❤
I came across your story today. By the time I had finished reading, tears were streaming from my eyes.
My parents had a difficult time coming to terms with my sexuality because of their faith. It has been 9 years since I came out to them, and now they welcome my fiancé into the family as their newest son. My heart breaks for you that you do not have the same opportunity with your son. I am so sorry for your loss.
I believe that he is looking on you with pride and love. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you will continue to share your story and help to change minds and hearts. The world needs more love like that.
So thankful, Ryan, that you family has been able to fully embrace you and your fiancé! Congrats to both of you…what a wonderful day your wedding will be. ❤
Thank you for sharing the story of Ryan and your family. We all have so much to learn about really showing Jesus’ love for each other. Sometimes the hardest ones to love are the ones in our own homes. Thank you for all who will learn for your story. May God bless you all.
I don’t think you can know for certain your story would have ended differently even if you had been perfectly supportive that Ryan was gay. Substance abuse occurs at a higher rate in the gay population in general whether or not their families are perfectly supportive, and studies have shown that even countries like Denmark where homosexuality and gay marriage have been accepted widely for a number of years, the suicide rate among gays is just as high as it is here.
So sad that people must be so cruel when you are sharing your story in the hopes that your mistakes can open others’ eyes. Much love, strength, and best wishes to you and your family. I’m sure Ryan is so proud…
Linda,
My heart aches for you. I can’t imagine losing my son. He is also gay, and came out at a young age, much like your beloved Ryan. Thank you for sharing your story. It puts life into perspective. I just rushed into my son’s room, my 16 year old “little” boy, tears in my eyes and picked up his big, heavy torso, and cried into his hair. As always, he reached up, sleepily as I woke him, and just said “love you mom. It’s okay”….not knowing what I was crying about.
Thank you so much for your story and know that here in Utah, my family’s prayers and live are with you.
Stephanie
Stephanie…this does my heart SUCH good! Thank you for being grateful that you can do that! Bless you, my friend in Utah!
I am the mother of a wonderful gay man who recently came out of the closet. The pain and suffering he endured while growing up is unspeakable as we are a very conservative and religious family. He spend all his life in fear of rejection from all of us. I want to share a poem/ song I wrote capturing his journey. I made a You Tube Video. I hope you enjoy it and please share it so we can change the way people think.
In the Matters of Love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k0SupE175
You did good.
Wow, this must hurt so much. I’m sorry you treated your son this way, but I’m also sorry he died before he could accept himself completely, and likely before you really did either. I had to walk away from my abusive mother (not just because of the gay thing, but a lot of other emotional abuse as well), and while I hope she learned something from that loss, I doubt it. You seem to be learning from this terrible situation, which is all anyone can really hope for. Best of luck with moving forward.
Dear Linda,
I am LDS (mormon). Does it tell you enough on the way I was raised concerning homosexuality?
Long story short I have come a long way on my own to understand better “unconditional love”.
Yet I admitted to myself I still had a microscopic issue concerning Female homosexuality. I just could not envision my baby girl and I not having conversations about finding the man of her life someday for example. Not that I have a problem with lesbiens, it was about my own daughter.
The thing is that I knew I wanted to be able to make her KNOW she could be whatever she wanted because what I care about really is HER.
I am really, really sorry (even beyond these words) that you went through this tragedy for me to understand that my death would follow hers if I should lose her over such a trivial matter.
Thank you for posting this. Thank you for helping me find a way to be a slightly better mother because I read this.
And maybe Anne is straight, and maybe she is gay.
Either way I hope I can be the mother she will need.
PS: her father would reeeeeeeally not mind if she were gay as he really despises boys. He thinks that women are smarter. I hope I made you laugh on this one.
You did, Gwennaëlle. 🙂 And I have no doubt you will be the mother that Anne needs. May God richly bless you, friend.
I don’t know if you still read these comments or not, but I wanted to share my input. For starters, wow, what an emotional tempest this story was to me while I read it. I could see how I would naturally react the way you did. What about God, what would God want? Those were all questions that I would ask myself or even make the mistake to impose on my son. I have a newborn. He was born a week ago. These are all questions that I ask myself. What if he is gay, what if he is autistic, what if he is….. Reading your story has made me look at things differently. I dont want to ask myself ” what if he is…. ” and attach something negative to what ever he might be. Because what he is for sure is my son. I love him unconditionally, and this is what I must hold on to. As you realized this in your life, you are helping me realize before I can do any damage. We are all human and we do not come with instructions on how to become parents and how to show our children love the way they need it. But I am learning from your story. You are an amazing woman with an amazing family. I hope you have stopped blaming yourself for things that occurred. Ryan learned what true love and acceptance is. The love that you showed is the same love our Heavenly Father gives us. thank you so much for the lesson you have taught me.
Bless you, Juan…that is one of our prayers, that we can reach parents BEFORE they get to this point. We sure wish someone had educated us. Much love to you…your son sure is a lucky boy to have you as his dad.
No one who truly sees that photo can fail to see love. Thanks for making so much more visible! Here’s my own project toward that end: ALL IN THE ASYLUM; THE LAZY PERSON’S GUIDE TO SELF-PRESERVATION
My response.
http://thekenyanqueerquestion.blogspot.com/2014/10/just-because-he-breathes-my-response.html
Has it occurred to you that your son might very well have become an addict regardless of sexuality or his relationship with you? Much of addiction is genetic predisposition, and drugs are everywhere, not just in the gay/atheist community. There are opiate addicts in probably every church out there who hate gay people.
I appreciate your sharing your story of loss and learning. That took courage. Especially knowing the kind of internet bullying from BOTH sides it would expose you to. Hopefully you manage to find some peace.
Dear Linda and Family (and other blog contributors),
I grew up in an Evangelical / Charismatic Christian home. I am still a Christian. I still love Jesus. I grew up with loving and supportive parents and two great brothers. I think my folks always knew I as gay. They found out while I was overseas and brought it up when I was home. I was 16. Like you did for your son, my parents introduced me to Exodus / Living Waters and other ministries to “heal” the sexual brokenness. Much of your story is so similar to my parents story and my own. My parents poured out love. My battle with my sexuality was simply viewed as another aspect of the fall of man. It was just another struggle – not anything special or weird. The hard part, of course, was wanting to overcome this struggle and not give in. When I did periodically “screw up” it was always something that generated guilt and shame. I felt this because it was my belief that God could heal anything and I needed to persevere. Whether I was healed or not…. I needed to be strong.
Interestingly, I grew up in a church that fostered faith and open relationships and where “being in the light” didn’t mean living perfectly – it just meant not letting secrets have a place in the shadows where the devil could operate from (strongholds). I was very open with my straight guy friends and even open when I had moral failures. They loved and accepted me. All of this, however, was in the context of my battle being just that: a battle to not give in to and not something that God intended for me. Just another struggle for which there would be a crown if I overcame. The problem was that I was not overcoming. I was struggling. I felt guilty. I also used alcohol to numb my pain (and I recognize that there is a difference between alcoholism / addiction and being a problem drinker). Life was difficult and I began to watch those I love start families and begin lives that I always thought I would have. As I grew older, I began to really feel the loneliness and I feared that life would never change for me.
Anyway, it has been a long journey. At 33, I gave myself permission to have an open and honest relationship with a man for the first time in my life. I told my brother first. My straight, married Christian brother said, “What’s his name?” when I said, “I am dating someone.” It was his way of immediately letting me know he accepted this. My parents were equally accepting and gracious – as was my youngest brother and both my sister-in-laws. We had all been through this journey together. And my parents thought they were doing what was right in the early years. They loved me and when faith is a big part of your life then that faith has the final authority in all things weather you like it or not; whether it is painful or not. My parent’s guidance stemmed from their interpretation of their faith and out of intense love for me and my eternal salvation. Faith is stronger than opinions and personal desires and it often demands belief in things that aren’t always understood.
That is part of faith… unwavering belief. It is painful and it is hard. There is nothing easy about that journey of faith. Yet, by its very nature, the journey of faith should be one of surprises. In the years that have passed since my parents came to me when I was 16 to let me know that they knew I was gay, there have been some surprises.
Today, I feel like I am still trying to come to terms with my sexuality and decades of believing that it was wrong to embrace. Now, I realize that God is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. He has been there the whole time loving me while I lived in fear, insecurity and pain. I still feel those things sometimes. However, what is so amazing is that I think my parents and brothers had come to a place of peace regarding my sexuality even before I did. Their faith was sincere. There belief was real. And today, I believe that God has honored what He saw as imperfect people trying to be perfectly faithful. And He has allowed us to see things differently. I am very blessed with a wonderful family and partner. I feel loved and I know that all my family wants is to be a part of my life – and they are.
Linda, I can relate so much of your story to my own story and my journey with my parents. I know that all they did was out of love. I am terribly sorry for the tragedy you experienced and also for the pain your son suffered. I know addiction can take anyone regardless of sexuality and that addiction is extremely complex – but I hear your heart. I hope that you and your family can find peace and rest. From all that I’ve read it seems there is not doubt your son knew how much he was loved.
Warmly,
A
Ephesians 3:6-19
________
To all those that have filled this blog with anger at how this family tried to help their son… take a step back. They did what they did out of love. They did it out of obedience to their faith. Our interpretation of God and God’s word is just that: interpretation. I believe that God loves me and accepts me the way I am. I believe that homosexuality is an issue that is not interpreted correctly in the Christian church. The results of the dominant belief system are stories like mine. Stories like the Robinsons… and so many extremes and secrets in between. This family has suffered. They suffered with their son while he “battled” his sexuality. They suffered when he left. They are suffering now that he has died. You may think, “well, if they could have accepted their son’s sexuality in the beginning they wouldn’t have had to suffer. Their suffering is self-imposed.” I guess I might ask, “what is your point?” No one is perfect. Some people live life believing what they want and refuse to be open to others. Some people are so bound by pride they can’t even admit to wrongs or accept responsibility for wrongs they have done. This family has been transformed by a terrifically difficult journey that involved taking a new look at their faith and how they interpreted that faith. They have been courageous in the face of tragedy and the humility and kindness I have read in reply to even some of the most cruel jabs… is amazing to me.
The gay community has asked for understanding, compassion and equality. I hope that the gay community can extend those qualities to a broken family that has only done what they felt was right. Their journey will help others. They have owned their mistakes… and many of those were made in earnest naiveté, as my parent’s mistakes were, but in absolute devotion and love to their child. Don’t you think they would give anything to have their son back? Families like these become great allies in the journey towards understanding and compassion. Don’t make them out to be enemies… because they aren’t and all you are doing is passing judgement. Don’t condemn them because they didn’t understand. The important thing is they were willing and their hearts, full of love, were fertile enough to accept their son no matter what. If anyone says that the journey cost them their son… no one feels that more than they do. However, at the end of the day, we all have hardship and their son’s decisions were his own. No one can point a finger and place the blame here. Doing so only perpetuates the gap between faith and community – it doesn’t work to heal it.
Weeping, Aaron…Can’t thank you enough for sharing here. Just sent you an email…didn’t want to cry all over the blog.
Weeping too. Proud of my son, Aaron; forever grateful to God! Blessed by your story…
My Dear Brother Aaron, Your’s is the finest letter of the entire blog. I have followed Rob and Linda for thousands of post comments, and have come to the place where I see that the hatred and vitriol of about a third of the comments is because of the hurt deep within them. As conscientious truth seekers, we all grow, every day on this rocky road on which we journey, and often stumble. When someone walks into the door of my office angry as hell, and wanting a confrontation, I try so hard to remember that their world isn’t my world, and that before yelling at me or my staff, they’ve apparently been made upset by some other encounter. Anyway you guys have developed some pretty thick skin to allow these posts from hurting people who clearly don’t know the unconditional love we’ve learned. Forgiveness of someone who had hurt you does NOT involve letting them off the hook. It simply removes the privilege (or burden) of judgment, allowing and trusting our God to be more fair and merciful than we are capable of. This allows our heart to “open our minds” and appreciate what others are REALLY saying. Aaron, thank you for giving Linda (and all of us who have come so far) the love and respect and appreciation for “taking off the mask” and exposing her heart for everyone to stomp on. If even one person is changed, saving one soul, it’s all been worthwhile. Much Love, Bill.
Linda- I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing the painful story of your journey. I read it and shared it when it first appeared on Facebook because it cut so closely to my heart. Please know that you ARE making a difference. You have made a difference in my life.
I am a 46 year old gay man who was raised in the independent fundamental Christian faith. My parents found out that I was gay when I was a senior in high school. It broke their hearts as they felt that there could be nothing worse than having a gay son. I was put into therapy, support groups etc. Your story so resonated with me as I used to beg God to remove this “sin” in my life. I tried everything possible- but to no avail.
Eventually I could struggle no longer and decided to be openly gay. Because I chose to come out I was officially excommunicated from my congregation. I need to add that my brother was the pastor of the church, my father was an elder and my other brother was a deacon. I cannot put into words the amount of rejection I felt or the pain that came from knowing that who I was had caused me to lose the family and the friends that I held dear. I also felt extreme guilt for having placed this pain and burden on my parents’ lives.
I will not bore you with the details of my life- but I will say that I struggled and still struggle with a faith in a God that I want to believe can love and accept me. It is a deep pain that burns and scares me. I pray and hope that The Lord hears my prayers. I know that I was born gay yet continue to fear that I cannot be loved by God. Reading your story brings tears to my eyes as I feel your pain and wish that my family could understand the truths that you have learned in the saddest of ways. Your son knew that he was loved, as a gay man, by his family. You gave him the greatest gift a child can receive- true, unconditional love.
Earlier today I prayed to God that he would show me that He could still love me as I want to be set free from the pains of rejection, and fear of separation from Him. There- on Facebook once again your story popped up as if an answer to prayer. It put hope in my heart that He does hear me and is- through your life- giving me a message.
So thank you for your courage to share your pain. Thank you for allowing your pain to be turned into a blessed hope for others struggling. You do make a difference!
Sincerely -Q
Q…your story would NEVER bore me. Your story is sacred. And tonight I am praying that God will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to show you how much He loves you, and how perfectly He created you, just as you are.
Linda,
I want to keep this brief, but first off, I want to offer my condolences and say that I am so sorry for your loss.
As a gay man who grew up in a conservative and religious household, I know too well the feelings of isolation, self-hate, and never being able to be open and honest, and the negative behaviors that come from those feelings. Thankfully, for many reasons that I won’t get into right now, as time has gone on my parents have been able to separate the hateful ideology from their religious beliefs, and have been able to accept me, while still being faithful Christians. I still struggle with figuring out how “good” people can participate in evil for almost all of their lives,. They have not apologized or sought amends for the mistakes they made, which is a struggle for me, but it’s better than it was before. I still struggle with finding a faith home – a place that is truly Christian in its message but without the political narrative that commonly accompanies it. It’s all just a struggle, and I don’t think that will go away.
But I want to commend you on using this tragedy to reflect on what you truly value, and speaking up. Lives are at stake. If your story causes just one parent whose kid comes out to respond with unconditional love, then you’ve done a great thing. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and say, “I was wrong.”
Steven…I so hear you about finding a faith home…we have three such places here in the Seattle area, and I know of several others across the country, but it is hard to find a Gospel-centered church that is also completely welcoming and affirming. You might be encouraged by the blog that this pastor just wrote…I believe that more and more straight, evangelical pastors are going to come out as affirming in the next decade. We are trusting for that!
Thank you so much for your kind words…after just responding to the long comment from Justin, who feels that I have not apologized to Ryan or to anyone else, I am feeling really discouraged. I have to remember that one person’s words don’t take away from the families whose are loving their kids fully, after hearing our story. Heavy sigh. This is just so painful.
I am the mother of a gay son who spend most of his life hiding this fact from me due to my conservative views. I composed a song capturing my son’s suffering all these years and I want to share it with you so that you can forward it to other conservative families facing this issue. I hope with this song will help bring change and acceptance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k0SupE175.
Hey I want to thank you for this blog and your awesome work for God, name is colby I am 22 and a gay name myself I had the same battles with family and got into drugs myself as a young teenager until I was 20 and now almost have 3 years clean and live with my boyfriend Kyle under the same roof as my mom she just as you changed changed 100 percent and know he felt your love and acceptance as I do my mom now , he loves you so much and is at the right hand of God looking down on us thanks for your post
Love
Colby
Dear Linda,
The Pain that you and your husband feels leaps from the screen and I want so badly to tell you that I am sorry for the many losses that you and our family suffered….I believe and always have that we are ALL Gods children, no matter what religion you choose to practice and that God Loves and accepts ALL of his children for who they are…Now that did not always come easy for me, as I too had my share of struggles…I am in recovery for the same addiction as Ryan, Heroin/Cocaine…11 years now I have been clean…but the damage that I did to myself and the relationship with My children and family was done and has taken SO SO very long to mend…I JUST yesterday heard from my daughter whom I hadn’t spoken to in over two years, although not by my choice, it was her anger at me for not being forthcoming that made that happen. My cousin Jeffrey, who was my Best friend came out to his parents and his parents had the same reaction as you and your husband did, But how could you know WHAT to do ? WE are NOT perfect, WE are human and make mistakes, but the beauty in that is that we will ALWAYS be forgiven…Because God loves us ! My cousin also turned to drugs and he too is gone, he and his partner both died of Aids some years ago now…but it will ALWAYS feel like yesterday…I miss them both SO very much ! This world is changing, sometimes FAR too quickly and not always for the greater good…But…people such as yourself and your husband, who are willing to reach out a hand and a heart to others, well you are the part that makes this world a better place ! Keep doing what you are doing, as you are an inspiration to ALL and Your Beautiful Son…Ryan…Well, He Loved you then, and He LOVES YOU STILL ! God Bless !
SO thankful that you are clean today, Dyanne! 11 years sober…each day is a gift!
Linda,
I started attending church when I was 5 with my parents. My parents were both drug addicts when we started attending and the church helped them clean up. I understand the power of GOD and the influence of church. But the church is where my downfall began. I have know from a very young age that I was gay. The church my parents and I attended believed being gay is the highest form of sin and all people that are gay are an abomination. It didn’t end there. I was sent to my church’s school where we were taught the same thing. I always knew something was “wrong” but it wasn’t until high school that I realized that I was attracted to the girls. I was terrified. I would lose everything. I kept to myself so I wouldn’t start trouble but when the teachers saw I wasn’t interested in boys they strated making accusations to my parents and that’s when our relationship crumbled. My mom threatened to ship me off to a Christian reform school. I prayed and asked GOD to make it go away. But it never did. Once I graduated, I left home and started drinking heavily. I just didn’t understand why they couldn’t accept me, but my relationship with was too important to me so I came home. Willing to live a lie, I went back to the church. I just wanted my parents. But in 2013, my mom sat me down and told me that I was too important too her and she wanted me happy no matter what lifestyle I chose. We then talked and I told her I was gay. She said she knew and she was just happy I was home again and healthy. I’m 24 now and I have a beautiful girlfriend who my parents adore.
I grieved as I read your story. I can understand a little of what he felt and I’m sorry it ended the way it did. But for what it’s worth, the feeling of love and acceptance you gave him before his passing, meant everything in the world to him.
Alex
So thankful that you and your girlfriend know that you are adored by your family, Alex!!
You god kills. Your religion is based on kinda dumb and easy to see through lies.
When you have suffered enough maybe you will give up your hating religion and become a helpful person in the world. Until then rot in hell with my entire bigoted family !
love
j
Sounds like you’ve had painful family experience, Jason. I am so sorry.
Thank you!!! You are coreageous and I appreciate you sharing your story so us parents learn and know what to do in such situation. Thank you!!!
Linda,
Your story is one that needs to reach a larger audience. I sincerely hope you explore turning your journey as parents into a book so that parents of LGBTQ kids everywhere can read about you and Ryan.
My heart breaks for you…but so much good can now come from people hearing your story. I hope you find solace in that. It’s life saving work you’re doing now, and families of LGBTQ people everywhere thank you.
Bless you, Melanie. Our prayer is that we can find a way to reach conservative Christian families (like we were) who are still in churches and communities that teach the same thing we were taught. Much love to you!
I am so sorry for your son’s death; as a parent, I cannot imagine going through that. But as far as the way you now view your parenting about Ryan and desire to impact conservative Christian families, I’m confused: Is it because you believe differently about Scripture, or because you feel guilty about your son’s death? Has your experience and emotions affected your view of biblical truth?
I realize you have been attacked because others somehow see hate in what appears to me to be gracious, biblical parenting (as described above). In fact, it’s how I would hope I would respond if one of my children “came out”! I don’t see hate; clearly, you have never been Westboro-type people. I’m sure the same people judging you harshly would also be upset if you had responded similarly to a child who became a drug addict or active heterosexual at the tender age of 12. Speaking truth in love is key, but the “truth” part seems to be ignored by many.
Tammy, that is a good question. We don’t view the Bible any differently, we still believe it is God’s word, and we love the Lord with all of our hearts. We are very involved at Overlake Christian Church in Redmond, WA, where Jesus is at the center of everything we do.
That said, we do read the Bible’s mentions of what we now interpret as “homosexuality” (they didn’t have that word when the Bible was written) differently, as do many other Christian theologians (James Brownson’s book, Bible, Gender, Sexuality if fantastic). Part of why we came to see things differently is that the traditional Christian teaching on homosexuality has NOT led to life. In our family alone, it led to emotional, relational, spiritual and physical death. As we have come to have more and more gay friends, and have read letters from thousands of others, what we have found is the great majority of these individuals have been pushed AWAY from Jesus.
An extremely articulate description of this can be found here: Distorted Love: The Toll Of Our Christian Theology On The LGBT Community. Please take the time to read this…it is EXTREMELY important for Christians to understand.
Thank you for “listening” Tammy, whether or not you agree. In the group almost 300 Christian moms of LGBTQ kids I started, many of the kids have been so hurt by the church that they have walked away from their faith. At the same time, there are millions of gay Christians who are living for Jesus, having reconciled their sexuality with their faith. Between 20 and 30 of them meet at our house every Wednesday night, and the Holy Spirit is living and active! It is a BEAUTIFUL thing!
Please correct me if I am wrong but it is in the old testament that we find a statement against homosexuality. I do not believe Jesus addressed this
at all. Actually he came to change some of those old testament teachings (ie: eye for eye…) and wanted a more inclusive and accepting religion. So, in my opinion, there is no controversy in accepting homosexuality because that would have been what Jesus would have done had he been confronted with that issue.
You are correct, Celia…Jesus did not. Paul, however, mentioned a word 3-4 times that is now translated as homosexuality, but it is doubtful whether he really meant the kind of same-sex commitments that we have today. More likely, he was referring to relationships that occurred between straight men and young boys, clearly involving power, abuse and infidelity (since the men were typically married to women). Matthew Vines & James Brownson’s books both address these issues in great detail, if you’d like to do more research.
You are very courageous for sharing your pain so openly. Your love for your son is obvious.
Please remind those who think like you used to that Jesus said “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart… and love your neighbor like yourself “Matthew 22:37-39. There are no records of Jesus making mention of homosexuality at all.
I will keep your family in my prayers🙏
You still don’t get it.
You only bare partial responsibility.
You’re a believer… In black and white, you’re faith stands against. So in some ways you were ordered to proceed as you did…
Like a heavenly hit.
So onward christian soldiers and all that.
But now you know. Born that way, fashioned that way.
Created with a stamp that which the creator stands against.
So then out of no where your Abraham.
Which leads me to one of two conclusions…
Is a power not of this earth, that demands the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make, for no other reason than vanity’s sake, deserving of ANY kind of loyalty?
Demanding crimes against humanity…
By their works shall thee know them…
But there is one more logical conclusion…
We created god to give ourselves something to aspirse to.
To evolve towards…
BTW.
I do have very deep and personal experience with this very subject…
So…
I just skipped all that to say simply where I landed after the fallout.
Thank you for sharing where you landed, Jamus…it sounds like you don’t see any way to believe in a loving God who cares for the people He created.
Just fyi, our faith doesn’t stand against homosexuality. For us, we don’t have a conflict with following Christ, who emphasized love above all else, and fully loving and supporting our LGBTQ family and friends. If anything, following Christ makes that love an imperative.
After reading your story, comments, 2nd story and more comments, I am still angry. There aren’t words I can put together that would encapsulate the anger I feel. I want to see the silver lining and have something positive to say, but I don’t.
My mother taught me, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything.” I will follow this lesson and keep my angry words to myself.
I would like to thank you for publishing your most personal and vulnerable part of your life to the stone throwing cesspool called the internet. You wrote about your son’s death in order to help other people in similar circumstances.
I understand you treated Ryan the way you did out of love. I may disagree with those tactics but you acted for what you thought was best for him. I can not judge you for that.
I also understand there are no words or anything that can help you full the hole in your life left by your son.
What ifs are the most dangerous thing in this situation, like what if Ryan could’ve ended up overdosing if you accepted his homosexuality from the beginning. But these questions can never be answered.
I thankful for people like you opening up to a and trying to help others while in utter misery dispute the forthcoming cruelty of people.
Thank you, BB…your kindness makes such a difference.
So, here’s the thing, you talk about “getting it” and being told to “forgive yourselves”, but you still do not “get it”, nor are you worth forgiving.
You should have just shot your son in the fucking head. Really, you should have. It would have been more humane, less painful.
Instead you assholes opted to drop his life in a salad spinner of fuckery, and water board him in your hate until his unfortunate end.
Your hands are drenched in his blood, and the blood of every single LGBT person who has died because of oppression at the hands of people like yourselves.
Stop kidding yourselves, you deserve no reprieve, nor should you expect those of us you call “haters” because we hold you accountable for your crimes.
I have zero room in my soul to find forgiveness for you, that is one stone I will not swallow.
I have nothing but hatred and contempt for you and your kind. Know that I hope you never find solace, that I hope the guilt and grief consumes you.
I do not wish you well.
I don’t expect you to forgive me, Ryan.
And I don’t think I deserve reprieve.
I hope you are well, Ryan, regardless of the hatred and contempt you have for me.
Congratulations, you have just encapsulated everything that is wrong with this world.
Dearest Linda and Rob, I have followed thousands of post comments over the past 12 months, and have come to the place where I see that the hatred and vitriol of about a third of the comments is because of the hurt deep within them. As conscientious truth seekers, we all grow, every day on this rocky road on which we journey, and often stumble. When someone walks into the door of my office angry as hell, and wanting a confrontation, I try so hard to remember that their world isn’t my world, and that before yelling at me or my staff, they’ve apparently been made upset by some other encounter. Anyway you guys have developed some pretty thick skin to allow these posts from hurting people who clearly don’t know the unconditional love we’ve learned. Forgiveness of someone who had hurt you does NOT involve letting them off the hook. It simply removes the privilege (or burden) of judgment, allowing and trusting our God to be more fair and merciful than we are capable of. This allows our heart to “open our minds” and appreciate what others are REALLY saying. I commend you both, as well as so many who affirm you (and so many of us affirming parents who have come so far) the love and respect and appreciation for “taking off the mask” and exposing your heart for everyone to stomp on. If even one person is changed, saving one soul, it’s all been worthwhile. Much Love, Bill.
Thank you, Bill…thank you for your affirmation and your recognition that my heart does feel pretty stomped on. But you are so right…if even one person is changed, saving one teenager, it’s ALL been worthwhile.
Very well said ! Have an amazing day !
Very very brave post. Thanks for caring so much and acknowledging mistakes in the past. We all make mistakes , but most don’t have such serious consequences and most people would never do what you have done to help others. May God give you peace in living the rest of your life; you are dong much good now.
Linda,
So sorry for your grief and sad story. it was Gods plan. Maybe it was just so you could help others? Never know. You can’t blame yourself for being human. Parents don’t know everything. I was born in Washington DC in 1977. My parents divorced, my step dad a drunk when I was a teenager etc. my mother did her best- tried to love me, yet I tried to push her away, but she has ALWA Ys tried to be there. I have a great story- so I got involved with drugs- not because I was gay, bad at school, had a terrible family- but because I am bipolar! I was just smart enought to get out. I joined the Air Force at 21- went to school, became an officer/ RN and now I am doing great. I have come a long way. I actually got my first bachelors in psychology ( how I found myself) and diagnosed myself. My second BA is nursing. I am currently married, a Captain in the Air Force, have a wonderful baby and one on the way, two great step- children and a wonderful family. Don’t blame yourself, you did your best and you followed Gods plan.
Dear Linda and Rob, My heart is heavy for the pain you are going through, and have gone through. You are so brave for sharing your story, and I believe your honesty will spare other families similar grief. That is all we can do, really – learn from what we’ve done, then try to do better. And you are doing better in a big way. There will always be people who spew hate, but know that God has already forgiven you, and you don’t need anyone else’s forgiveness. You did the best you could, and your son knew how much you loved him. Blessings, Kathy Seale
I’d like to start by saying I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am not the kind of person to post on blogs but I came across your touching story on the HuffPost. I was Catholic and from South America, and I always knew there was something different about me. These feelings weren’t “normal” and I used to go to church alone a lot. I even considered becoming a priest. My parents were suspicious of me from an early age. A serious of events happened that showed how scared my father was of me “turning gay”, he once pulled me into the kitchen and mocked the way I talked, he said he would kill me if I turn out gay. He would make comments about how he saw two men kissing once and he nearly threw up. I learned to forgive him, because I knew it was fear. My father has been a loving as well, which has always confused me but made me understand him. I treasure our countless nights talking about science, books and physics. However, I loathed myself. I was becoming something that made my father sick to his stomach.
I spent years hating myself and even considered suicide as an option. When I turned 21, and we have moved to the US, I came out to my parents. It was difficult, to say the least. My father threatened to move back to Venezuela. My mother was the only voice that consoled me. God only knows the amount of times I wanted to drink that bottle of Clorox under the kitchen sink. I spent years crying alone, trying to understand why I was made so defective. No one cared to ask me how I felt, I was only asked to change. My relationship with my father got bearable slowly, he said on the table once: “You already made a decision about your life, and I don’t want to talk about it ever again.” I remember thinking, “I don’t recall ever deciding to be a second-class citizen.” I was destroyed, because I felt like my father selected the sections of my life he wanted to participate in.
I was my family’s financial support for 5 years until I decided to move to NYC to go to college by myself. After years of still hating who I was, and involving myself in cheap sex and empty relationships, I met someone who changed my life. Before, I asked him to marry me, I took him to Florida to visit my parents. My mother and my grandmother absolutely adore him and my brother liked him a lot as well. My father was quiet and rather distant. He knew I was going to marry him. I tried. I proposed to my boyfriend the following day while at a friend’s house in Miami. God, I was happy! 🙂
Two months later, I humbly married him at City Hall in New York City where we both currently live. Only my mother, my grandmother, my sister and a couple of cousins sent their love to us. My father never called me. See, my father is a hardcore Republican, and he’s allowed his political view skew his understanding of what’s best for me. My husband and I did not get married to get a fancy party or to get a chance to wear a tuxedo. I married him because I want to protect him. I want to make sure he’s able to see me if I am sick. I think we are all afraid to die alone, and I want my husband to be that person next to me whenever I have to leave. You know how people get married and get all that moral, financial and love support? Well, we didn’t get that. We are struggling financially and making the best of it.
I stopped talking to my father after he never called me. I cannot change my father’s mentality but he can’t change mine. I find myself bargaining the situation in my head; if he would’ve called me and said, “I don’t agree with what you’re doing but I wish you the best,” maybe just that wouldn’t have thrown me in the depression in which I’ve been struggling with for the past 4 months. I love him so dearly. He was not only my father, he was my best friend. I sometimes keep hope that he will call and say something, but I know he is too proud to do that. I think I’ve heard him say “sorry” a handful of times.
Sorry for this very very very long comment, but I am writing this to you and all of the people reading here so we can all see another side, which is religion and politics. I am very proud to call myself an American, and I thank the Supreme Court of the United States of America for allowing me and my husband to lead a normal married life. Hopefully, one day my father can understand this.
Thanks,
C
Dear jjjustforcommenting,
Thank you for writing this. Just like Linda you helped me become a more understanding human. I hope someday I can reach the level of kindness I am aiming at. If I should succeed you’d be part of the means for me to progress.
Dear C,
My husband and I are also hard core republican Hispanic family but we do not hate you or your community. Our son came out last year with the fear that we would reject him and cut him from our life. We accepted him and his partner and plan to support and attend the day they tie the knot. Hopefully your father will come around.
I wrote a song and made a You Tube video capturing my son’s journey which apparently is very similar to yours. I would like to share with you and would love if you forward it to your dad. Maybe it will change his mind. Las Cosas del Amor:http://youtu.be/K8NMG_MzdgQ
Good luck and congratulations of finding your soul mate.
I listened to your song, it’s beautiful.
Glad you liked it. Please pass it on especially to your family. I wrote it with all my heart. I wanted to tell your side of the story to all and hopefully change the minds of some gay bashers because…”(You) were born that way and it was not by choice, oh you see that is the way (you were) created by our God…”
Good luck with everything 🙂
Good Grief… it has nothing to do with being a republican! lolol… Being a conservative individual with traditional Biblical views on marriage isn’t because you are a republican! I cant stop laughing!
Thank you, James. Typically, it’s all about politics! Ugh ….
Thank God you had the time to make amends before his death. I think I need to be more accepting and unconditionally loving of my child who can be socially awkward, shy with outsiders but extremely bossy to her family. I have always seen it as my job to change these things about her because they will make her life so difficult. But I think I need to let go of that now–she is 13–and let her figure it out. And just love her. I should have done more of that all along.
Linda, I just read your story on Yahoo News and wanted to leave this reply for you and Rob, just to let you know that strangers out there feel for you. Please keep up your good work, and accept my best wishes and prayers.
What ever people do we have to love them. God love sinners that is why he sent JESUS. You can’t hate a sinner no matter what, but we can’t approve any kind of sin. We have to live in harmony with every body that is what the bible teachs us. On the other hand we shouldn’t try to change the bible teachings to accommodate the sins of loved one’s. Bible teachings are there for 2000 years. It is God’s law book. The only person who can change that law is God. I don’t understand the hypocrisy of pastors who bless their gay relative weddings. They never approved sin in the church until their family member became gay. Now all of a sudden they started compromising bible teachings. To me They are saying the crucifixion of JESUS is in vain?. Apostles chose to die rather than compromising the word of God, are we saying they forgot God is love why dying? are you saying if the sinner is your son or your family member it is ok to compromise? God judges whether we like it or not. Please stand firm when it comes your faith.
My advice to all people involved is don’t look for a reason to discredit bible teachings to justify sin. It is clear in many ways homosexuality is a sin. If God wanted a man to merry a man he would have created to organs for homosexuals : anus and Vagina for homosexual men and vagina and penis for lesbian women.
I know it is difficult to accept the truth,but choose to stand with the word of God. God is love also God is a consuming fire.
Pray and love gay family member . But never compromise the word of God. Pray for healing, God will heal your loved ones. Churches are a place where people get healing from sin, place where holly people washed by blood of JESUS gather. Churches are not a place where sinners live with sin.
God doesn’t hear the prayer of sinners unless they repent. Bible teach us holiness is the only way to see and hear from Him. I am sorry I have to say it as It is because the truth will set us free.
Thank you.
Durango you are the biggest idiot here. Jesus have stated his love towards gay people many times but the homophobic church denies this every time. Even the corrupted gospels of the church say this in Matthew 19:10 and 11 say that eunuchs who were born that way should accept their sexual orientation, and he didn’t shame the apostles when they asked if they shouldn’t marry at all. This clearly indicates that people who were born gay should be accept.
But that’s not ALL. Lets ask ourselves who does God love more gay people or straight people. Are we equal in God’s eyes? Does it matter that gay people struggle so much in the 21 century for their rights and there is no reward for that pain?
Of course not and the answer is in the uncorrupted Gospel of Thomas 114:
“114. Simon Peter said to them, “Make Mary leave us, for females don’t deserve life.”
Jesus said, “Look, I will guide her to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every female who makes herself male will enter the kingdom of Heaven.” ”
So there you go not God only loves gay people but loves them more than straight people because in the 21 century they feel more people than straights.
So if there is a question who of us living on Earth now will earn a heavenly experience, the answer is the GAYS AND LESBIANS. Not you homophobic idiot or anyone who hates people based on their sexual orientation.
You don’t belong here; you have no understanding about the purpose of this blog and the sad story it conveys.
Jesus himself never spoke a word, as recorded in the 4 gospels of the Bible, that a man loving a man or a woman loving a woman was a sin. Not 1 word. Jesus had plenty to say about divorce and adultery; yet you so-called followers do not raise your voices against those who clearly are sinners.
Most importantly, are Jesus’ words that the only true commandment is to treat others as you would wanted to be treated yourself.
Mike: thank God you leave near me (Blk Mtn) as we desperately need some sanity around here. Have had a desperate struggle this week after my daughter was kicked out of YoungLife’s leadership role for being gay. Even afterspending
I’m so sorry that there are judgmental people like you. God teaches us that it is not our place to judge. That is why I have such a hard time with Christians and this topic. God is a loving man. Why is it your place to judge? These poor people are not making a decision to live this way. They are borne this way. Do you know how difficult it is for them to face discrimination everyday? The church does not attack a child who was born with an illness, so why attack a child who was born gay? It is not up to you to determine who sins. Are you not sinning when you judge against others? It is so easy for others to attack but you would be so much more empathetic if one of your family members announced that they were gay. When you love someone, how do you turn your back on them? You can’t. I feel sorry for you.
Tis truly sad your father does NOT understand God, because God is LOVE and he loves every single person with total love, and so should your father love you if he truly is Christian. However God is CHRYSTAL clear about His view of HOMOSEXUALITY, it is an ABOMINATION in his sight, the act, not the person. I doubt parents would stop loving a child who commits murder, a really bad thing, but I think they would hate the child’s actions. Marriage is a sacred, God ordained relationship between a MAN & a WOMAN, nothing else. Should you choose to live with a same sex partner God not only allows it, He gives you free will to do so. He does not ALLOW you the right to call your relationship marriage. Every court in the world may disagree, every person may choose to also, but in a THEOCRACY there is no vote, and God get to decide right from wrong without anyone getting to counsel Him. Saying God made you that way infers God is schizophrenic and makes people specifically in violation of His standards of correctness. You, or any one who chooses to disagree with this has that right, it’s called FREE WILL, what you do not have is the right to misrepresent what God has clearly stated as HIS stated position on any subject, and the act of homosexuality in scripture is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE to HIM. So tell anyone anything you like, believe anything you like, do anything you like, and so long as you do not harm anyone in the process it’s your right, BUT come judgement day you will NOT qualify for Heaven. THIS IS CLEARLY PROCLAIMED IN THE BIBLE
either print it like I wrote it, or do what liberals usually do and proclaim tolerance only counts if you agree with us and remove my comment. I said what I believe, and do not want someone fixing my statement to be politically correct. It is my post, not someones take on what I mean
Anonymous – thankfully, you must be reading a different Bible than I am. I couldn’t disagree with you more.
Linda,
I have not read the full story you have posted here. But I looked for you on FB, no luck. My heart goes out to you and so many others who have and are faced with this situation. But anonymous is so right. But there are those out there that are telling those who have chosen this lifestyle that it is acceptable to God, the enemy is working. I so sorry for your lose. Maybe through that you can help others who are struggling with this. I usually try to go by what the Scriptures say about certain things. At one point I tried to explain this on my FB page and a family member turned on me and hasn’t spoken to me since.
Linda – if you were given the verses – would that do or would you just poo-poo them also.
Oh, Roger…I never poo-poo scripture…but I do perhaps, interpret it differently than you do.
Wishing you well, Roger…
Anonymous,
Very well said. This is what I was trying to convey on FB to some family members a newly acquired one, and I was turned on. But that is OK. There are just too many who are being told that this is ok. We have people we know that have chosen this life style, but we don’t like them any the less because of it. Thanks for you input.
Donna…being gay is not a “lifestyle”…and nobody chooses it.
I truly wish that everyone was as tolerant as we are of our gay children, When my daughter came out to me she was 18. She did it in a psychologists office, she went in first and then they called me in and he said Allison has something to tell you. Well I was shaking and thinking so many horrible things were going through my head. Well she said “mom I’m gay”. I remember blurting out thank god, I thought you were gonna tell me something bad! She asked if I was upset, I said well it wasn’t what I envisioned on the day you were born but no I am not mad. That was 16 years ago and I still give her crap about scaring me that day. I am a christian who follows Jesus and attend the church of Nazarene each week. My congregation knows because I let them know right up front when I joined to see if I would get a negative reaction, I would not attend any church that has a hateful attitude towards anyone. They are fine with me and my daughter, the bible says we are not to judge others and we don’t. My daughter is my best friend no matter what..
You are a great mom! God Bless you…
I know it is really difficult losing a child, no one should ever have to go through that. I hope I don’t sound horrible or rude or uncouth, but I just want to say that maybe God loaned you Ryan so that his story, told by you, will help others to change their views and to be more understanding and compassionate. In the end you all sorted out your relationship with him and he died, even though it was accidental, with the knowledge of your love and acceptance of who he was. God bless you and your family and may he continue to be your source of comfort and strength as you all go through life.