On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.
But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
Just Because He Breathes 
2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
Your story affirms people in the sin of acting on and believing that homosexual acts are somehow “who they are” and that is immutable. It is not. You were sorely tested, but you have let go of that truth and influenced others to do the same
I thought it was my job to teach my child what was right and what was wrong, even as an adult guiding her in the right way. I was wrong. She is an adult, she has the right to be who she wants to be. I have the right to believe what is right for me. It would be a lie to say it’s not confusing to me (she had boyfriends, and had children with a guy she fell in love with), it would be a lie to say I don’t feel guilty for telling her sex with the same sex is wrong during her growing up years (I wanted her to accept others, and I did not want to be a Mom finding fault in others), it would be a lie to say I don’t blame myself (did I just not see it?), it would be a lie to say it does not bother me that she is not like me (I’m afraid she and her kids will be rejected if others knew). She asked me years ago what would I think if she and _____ (her girl friend) had a lesbian relationship…I told her it would make me really sad because I would be afraid that when she died she would go to hell, because that is a sin in the Bible. I look back now and think of how that must of made her feel…………excuse me as I wipe my tears so I can continue to write…..I still have a ways to go, but I will start by telling her I am sorry and that I will always love her no matter what. “Thank you for sharing your experience in writing”….this I needed to read.
Meg’s mom…your comment made ME cry…bless you for taking the time to write. It is parents like you that make this all worth it…even when today feels scary and overwhelming and I have NO IDEA how to deal with hate mail and so many other things.
WOW…I am printing out your comment and putting it up on our fridge…and every time Rob and I look at each other and wonder why God is allowing this, we’ll read your message. And we’ll know.
Thanking God for YOU today!!
Hello again Linda. I was so anxious to contact my daughter after reading your experience that you so willing shared, and right after writing my heart felt words to you…that I forgot to say thanks for your reply, so “Thank You Much” (even though it’s a little late). My daughter read your story and she cried. Her and I have talked since then. I apologized, she thanked me, we both cried…ever since then I feel things are changing. I feel like we are on a road to recovery, to a place where that one obstacle can longer keep us distant, even more importantly honesty in who we are and how we feel, and acceptence. *We all have a purpose in this life, may we chose a purpose that is fruitful to others, as yours was to me. God be with you and yours. Thanks again!
WOW…Meg’s mom…you just made our day! Bless you for taking the time to tell me what happened! God is GOOD!!
I just wanted to thank you for writing this moving, and I imagine difficult, piece about your family, It takes true courage to look at one’s mistakes so honestly and insightfully. To share it with others so we can ALL learn, is an amazing gift. Thank you again.
Well I blame the parents for not excepting him for who he was…
You are loving your son by sharing your story …
Bless you, Melinda…THAT is my hope and prayer. And my HEART.
I cannot begin to tell you how moved I am by this, I literally bawled by eyes out. I can definitely relate to your son, because that’s how I was, am. Your family’s story is a blessing to me. It has touched me deeply, and I know that God lead me here. I am sorry for your loss, and you and your family will be in my prayers, but I know Ryan is in a place where there is no hurt, no doubt, no pain…only peace, happiness, and true love.
I too come from a family where I was raised in the faith, and my mom is the same way. I plan on sharing this to her. I want to thank you for sharing your graces with us. I truly appreciate your family.
I agree.
Dear Linda,
As I read your story with eyes full of tears and a knot in my stomach I saw I beautiful baby who grew to a child full of love and personality. Then to a very handsome man whom I truely wish I had to opportunity to know. I think I would have enjoyed him. Your pictures show a family full of love and kindness. I think, as parents, we all fear failing our children in some major way. Even more, we fear one day not having them in our lives. You lost your son twice. I am so very sorry. That is more than one family should have to endure. I hope the sharing of your story makes many of us reevaluate the situations in our lives we can still change. I know it will me. Thank you for sharing this little part of your son and large part of yourself. I look forward to exploring your whole site and sharing with my family. Thank you for giving me cause to be quiet and think.
May you be blessed and your pain more bareable.
Tammy
I read your story on Huffington Post and left this comment there, but wanted to comment here as well.
————-
It must have taken a lot of courage to write this, and speak about it publicly. I’m sorry that you had to learn this lesson in such a horrible, painful way. Nobody, despite their well-intentioned mistakes, deserves such misery.
I was struck by how much insight into love and sexuality Ryan possessed at just twelve years old. He sounds like an amazing person, and I know you must be very proud of him, and miss him even more than your article could express.
I’m an atheist myself, but for you, I hope there is a heaven, and that you will see your son there.
Thank you for telling your story.
Linda,
Your story touches my heart on many levels. I have read your story, watched your video, read your blogs and felt the lump in my throat and stomach as I held on to every word. Your story hits home in regards to my own personal struggles with being gay and trying to do “right” by God and wondering if I will ever be good enough to be loved by God. In addition, after reading your story and watching your video, it opened up my most recent heartache that involves the death of my oldest brother, whom, I miss terribly. I understand (from a sibling perspective) the “ache for the one that is missing”. In my family, we too were “four strong” and now my family’s lives are forever changed. Linda, I “get it”. Thank you for sharing your story and the life of your amazing son. I am sure he is very proud of his family and the stand you have taken.
You DO get it, Jai! I am so sorry that you lost your oldest brother…and that there will ALWAYS be a place missing in your gang of four. Praying that you will know, at a deeper and deeper level, how great God’s love is for you!!
Your story is the most moving thing I’ve read in I don’t know how long. I am very grateful you have decided to share it, and there is no way to determine how many lives you may save because of it. I’m so sorry for what you went through. Unfortunately, your story is probably not unique in the evangelical community. The church seldom provides any actual help for people like you; you’re left on your own. Evangelical leaders do much more harm than good to gay people. Thank you for making a difference.
Linda,
Thank you so much for sharing your incredibly moving story. It is beautifully composed and I couldn’t stop the tears as I watched your slideshow. It is my hope that others will learn and grow from your experiences.
Shane
i was praying to god to help me with my addict son every minute and how i was losing my strength. Then i hear your story it break my heart,i am my knees to jesus to give his divine love not to judge and love more . thank you your testimony will heal many parents.stop fear and love more
I´m a 22 years old gay son from Venezuela and this is exactly why Internet it´s so amazing. Your story hits close to home. I also grew up in a religious household but unlike Ryan i haven´t found the strength to tell my family. I just don´t want to hurt them because I love all of them so much, but this story has given me a lot to think about. I want to thank you for your strenght writing this, sharing your story. You will never know how much you’ve done for me by simply pressing a button. If I could I´d hug you.
Your son was a wonderful, beautiful person, a great, brave, man and he will be missed. I never knew of his existence untill now, I probably never would have if it weren´t for this tragedy, but as a gay man, son and brother I will miss him because just by being in this world, he made it better for all of us gays, with his beautiful heart and soul.
Thank you again. Linda. You are amazing, your son was amazing. May God always be with you, him and your family.
Teo.
P.S: I’m sorry for my english, it’s a little rusty.
Teo, your English is GREAT! And if I could, I’d hug YOU!! YOU are amazing. Sending you tons of love from Seattle to Venezuela!!
Thank You so very much for that painful, yet beautiful story.
I struggled to tell my parents also and I finally did at the age of 19. They said they had always known but didn’t know how to talk to me about it.
I had a strong belief in God, evidenced by 8 years having never missed Sunday School before the regular services.
After coming out to both and my parents and myself, I began a search for Spiritual fulfillment and attended several other denominations. It wasn’t until nearly 30 years later that I attended -Science of Mind- services with my partner who was dying of AIDS and who was searching for a way to “get right with God” before he died. Science of Mind allowed us both to understand our Spiritual Acceptance by the only one God there is, who is in all of us, no matter what religion we follow……we are all one.
Kalil Gibran said it best: To parents all over the world he said: (I quote from his book: “The Prophet”)
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams,
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you,
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth,
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and He bends you with His might that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that is stable.”
I want to thank AOL for bringing your blog to my attention. I am so moved by your convictions, and saddened by your losses. I am a 59 year old preachers kid who has wrestled with what people thought I should do, how I should be, and being gay was not one of the options. I have distanced myself from God and church because I just couldn’t stand the hate and ignorant misunderstandings of people that I dealt with my entire life, including most of my family. Many of them have learned to accept, some never will. My parents did not believe I was living my life the way I should in God’ s eyes, yet as I got older they never tried to ban me from home, or make my friends feel inferior….even when other family members did not agree with the. The thing I respected the most was that they chose, as you did, to love and not judge. For that I will always feel a special respect for. Unlike Ryan, I still have never been able to have a closeness with them that was open communication.i thinks you gave Ryan an unparalleled ability to feel close to you, and show your love. I have read much of your blog and I must say you have gained uncanny understanding of what it means to love, and to raise your children. I am certainly not an expert on that of course, but I am an expert on what not to do. I would never of wanted my child to go through what we went through being raised in a very strict religious home with no ability to ever be who you were as a person. We were always what they wanted us to be.
I believe in God still, and I believe that God loves me, and that for whatever reason, he made me who I am…and that is not something I should let other people who don’t like it change my convictions. This past weekend I had the pleasure of hosting one of my nephews and is wife. He is 30 now and this was the first time in our lives we have spent anytime getting to know each other. His parents would not allow their kids to spend time with a “sinner gay uncle”….so it was a special time. He and his wife expressed their disapproval of those family actions, and let me know that my lifestyle was not an issue for them. We had a wonderful weekend. It makes me just realize how much I have missed from watching his sibling grow up.
I am sorry to run on….I mainly wanted to say thank you….thank you for being who you are, thank you for sharing and thanks for reaching out to others. Ryan’s life was not lost…it was a catalyst to all the people he will now touch through you and your husband. May God bless you. I signed up for your blog as I want to stay in touch. And I will be sharing your info with many friends on Facebook. David Erickson.
David, thank YOU! It sounds like we grew up in VERY similar churches. My heart aches for you…but I have great hope for you…that you will know, at a deeper and deeper level, the intense love God has for you, and that you were made in His image. Hugs to you from me, my friend!
this is tragic, almost unforgivably so. A thing I have learned over the course of my very long spiritual journey as a Queermamn is that we all need to be careful what we pray for, because there is a good chance we will get our prayer answered. I am so glad that you have found grace and an inner self-forgiveness. My heart goes out to you, but it goes out far more to Ryan’s soul/spirit, that he found his rest in God, which he always had, but which was denied to him by his family. Am I angry that one of my beautiful young brothers lost his life because of his family’s teachings of lies and clearly deadly notions? You bet I am. I wish I had been his spiritual director so that he could know just how much God loved him, not in spite of his being Gay, but exactly BECAUSE he was Gay. God made him a magnificent creature in God’s divine eyes, and my own prayer is that he found that out before he died, but because of the way he died, my hunch is that he continued, deep down, to be fractured in his soul because of Christian lies. You have my prayers as you learn to live with your loss. His death is a loss to his entire Tribe, because when one of us dies from self-hatred and self-destruction, we all die a little death in our hearts as well. I am 67 years old, a self-loving Queerman with AIDS who knows well the grace of God, a grace I experienced at a very young age (18). I, too, grew up hating myself, filled with a self-loathing that often led to suicidal ideation, but through the intervention of God (my Higher Power) at an early age, I learned from a wise psychologist who was straight in 1965, that I was a beautiful Gayman, utterly loved by God, made magnificently in God’s own image. I am so sad that you did not give that to Ryan. My heart goes out to you both and my prayer is that you find real peace in your tragedy.Be well, be blessed, and continue to be a blessing to others through your witness, your writing, and your lives lived in love. http://queerwitness.wordpress.com
“and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship”
…an incredible blessing, so hard for us all to find.
Bless you, John…You truly HEARD me. Much love to you!
Linda,
It is imposible for me to verbalize the full impact your story, as well as Ryan’s letter to his father, has impacted me. It is as if God intended for our paths to cross at this moment in time. I am ashamed to say that I have been struggling with emotions and issues involving my 8 year old adopted son. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. You have reminded me what is important in life, as a parent, and as a human. Your story has made me realize that I need to recognize and celebrate my son for what he is, and not for what he is not.
God bless you and your family.
Marla
God bless YOU, Marla…your words are a huge encouragement to us! I think all parents, if we are honest, struggle to love their kids just as they are sometimes. What a beautiful mom you are…and yes, God intended for our paths to cross today…YOU have been a huge encouragement to us!
Dear Linda,
Like many of the other comments I have been reading here, I was crying as I read your story…my heart goes out to you and your family. I am a 37-year-old straight female with a great husband and a beautiful family. God has blessed me with so much more than I deserve! I was raised in a Christian home very similar to what you describe. I went to a Christian school, attended church, Sunday school and youth groups as a child and most importantly had godly Christian parents who taught us the Bible and led by their example of what true Christians ought to be. However, I grew up not being able to decide for myself whether I was going to follow God for myself. I grew up thinking that if I wasn’t a “perfect little Christian” that I would be punished. And I grew up thinking that any sexual behavior other than having sex after I was married was wrong. When I lost my virginity as a young adult, I was ostracized– not by my parents, but by many people in the church. My parents, similar to what you had said to your son, told me that they LOVED me but that what I was doing was wrong and I needed to repress my urges with my fiancée. It has taken me a long time to realize this, but at that point I felt hurt, rejected and scared and unfortunately, like your son, I turned to alcohol and prescription pills at the age of 24 to deal with it. I have struggled with that addiction up until a year ago. I have relapsed several times. I am so fortunate that it has not ended for me the same way it ended for your son. It has caused untold amount of damage in my life and the lives of my family.
Today though I have found my way back to God. I resisted it for so long and I got into more and more trouble with my addiction; BUT, He is not the exact same God I grew up with ….HE loves me and accepts me as I am…definitely not perfect, but willing to do His will. God is the only way for me to stay sober and clean. And all of that Christian background I have had has actually helped me in my recovery and I now see I was just as close-minded as the people that cut me out many years ago. I was willing to do anything to overcome my addiction, except for turning to God and other Christians who are willing to help me without judging me.
I think that God allowed you to see this through your son how he views us, imperfect but if we are willing to love others, accept them, be open-minded and willing to let God work through us He can use us in ways we can never imagined….like He is using this story to make other re-examine their points of view about homosexuality and Christianity. I hope this brings you some comfort. Your family will be on my prayer list as you continue to heal.
Lisa, I love this: HE loves me and accepts me as I am…definitely not perfect, but willing to do His will.
Bless you! Amen and AMEN!
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Robertson,
I sit here, under a thin veil of anonymity, crying my eyes out and reflecting upon the relationship between action and ramification that your experiences demonstrate. It is through these tears that I see more clearly and appreciate more dearly the response of my Mom when I came out to her in a face-to-face encounter. Her question, in response to me telling her I needed to tell her something very important to me, was “Do you have THE cancer? (she was referring to AIDS). I said, “No, but I’m gay.” She responded, “Oh, thank God that’s all!” The only follow up question she ever had was, “Do you think I did something to make you gay?” I said, “No, of course not, I was born this way and I’ve known since I was four or five.”
What is particularly sad, to me, is the handling of the situation seems born of blind love to faith. And, demonstrates, to me, that such blind devotion to anything can be detrimental. There are so many people that are situated in like kind and just as many children who are adversely affected; Children who kill themselves because they can’t live within their own skin. What a paradox in faith!
What is most important, however, is that you both adapted and adopted tangible change. This, in and of itself, required true introspection (the most difficult of human tasks). I applaud you for “coming out” and sharing your story, the story of your beautiful, beloved son, Ryan and for altering, perceptibly, the tattered practice of ministry. You are truly on a mission of life.
May God bless you and the eternal life of Ryan.
P.S. May I invite you listen to Macklemore’s song, Same Love? The lyrics are below and it’s a hauntingly beautiful song.
When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
‘Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She’s like “Ben you’ve loved girls since before pre-k”
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn’t she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, “Yeah, I’m good at little league”
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it’s a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don’t know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don’t know
And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
“Man, that’s gay” gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we’re saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don’t have acceptance for ’em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It’s the same hate that’s caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It’s human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren’t anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that’s not important
No freedom till we’re equal, damn right I support it
(I don’t know)
And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
We press play, don’t press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking ’round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn’t gonna solve it all
But it’s a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it’s all the same love
About time that we raised up
And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind
James…I love that song! And I love that you recognized that, by God’s grace, He CHANGED US, not our son. Much love to you!
Hi My Dear Family,
I don’t go “looking” for articles or stories about such topics. But, something very strange happened at work today.
First, I had a very long and wonderful talk with a friend from Malibu last night. I really didn’t know him all that well back then. He heard about the “big struggle” in my life and reached out to me to talk and pray and show his caring. He was so supportive and loving…it kind of floored me. We talked about God’s love…and if we really understand why or how we are all created in some image of Him.
Then today at work…the internet went down…as it often does. When this happens, I wait it out…then usually type in some common URL to see if it comes up. Today, I typed in aol.com to see if it was working again….and it popped up with a news feed/headlines….and this story was right there. So, I clicked on it and opened it. I think God used my talk last night to bring me to a this story and an understanding….
I can’t think of anytime I have really ever asked much of my family….but…please read this article and watch both videos. If your heart doesn’t break with the pictures of the parents holding their dying son….well…all I know is I was bawling at work and trying to hide it…
Watch the video of the talk they gave at Exodus International…and listen to their words(it’s a time commitment of 35 mins) While God’s grace has sustained me all my life…I could very easily have been Ryan. I’ve spent my life (not because of anything with my family, but my own angst and struggle about “being whole with God”) living the self-hate and self-loathing that Ryan experienced. Listen to his mom. I too…have sentenced myself to a life alone: never had a real first date, never really held hands with someone I love, never have had someone to totally count on in my life. Was God telling us the TRUTH when he said “It is not good for man to be alone?” My life would be very different had I ever allowed myself the simple things of learning how to date, how to build a relationship or how to love….
I am working so hard right now to understand that God’s grace is good enough…even for me. And after years and years of crying my heart out and praying and reading books that would “fix” me… and self-HATE….trying to “fix myself” … maybe it’s time to realize that God TOLD us…that we are all made in his image…even me.
If any kind of research is accurate….odds are you know people (although they won’t ever tell you) who are dealing with this in their families. If you ever have a chance, share these videos with them….and support and love them and their child….let God sort out the rest….after all….once saved….our redemption is FINAL!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-robertson/just-because-he-breathes-learning-to-truly-love-our-gay-son_b_3478971.html?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl2|sec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D338528
I love you all…
J
I was so moved by your story. I have 2 sons but I don’t have a gay son. I have had many gay friends and your article gave me perspective into what it is like to be a mother to a gay son. My heart broke for you and I was brought to tears. After learning to love him the way he was, he was so cruelly taken from you. We can never know what GOD has in store for us but I hope your story will help other in this situation. May GOD haep you to move on but never loose sight.
Your story is almost my story. When my son came out to me 11 years ago at 17, I was afraid. When he told me a month later that he could no longer be Catholic, I freaked out. I turned to God. I prayed for the same things that you prayed for. God did not answer those prayers literally, but he answered me by giving me peace. He gave me the peace I needed to love my son for who he is and, now, to love his boyfriend. But, when I hear other Christians use the Bible to “explain” how God feels about homosexuality I get scared again. It takes a lot of strength to not let what they say put me back into that place of fear. Your article is a reminder to me to the testament of God’s TRUE word. I am so sorry for the way your story ended, but, I thank you for sharing because in doing so you give me strength to keep on this path.
Your not alone…I am in and out of fear for the same reasons. It’s especially hard because who can you talk to?
Thank you for sharing this. So many words are on my heart and mind but I can’t express them. Thank you.
Wow! A life cut short by the one and most important moment by his own choice to return to a vulnerable state of mind. The consequences of his decision to do drugs would ultimately end his life, but not because he was gay. A road that many of us may wonder unto when life’s circumstances are unbearable and hopeless. Yet Ryan’s experience speaks to the so many without regard of race, religion, culture, gender, stature, education, but but especially to parents . As a parent myself our expectations mean well , but not always in our loved ones favor. Sometimes we need to step back and realize what is truly important. To support are children, unconditionally love them and allow them safely to learn from their own experience. God has a plan for all of us he doesn’t need our help to figure it out we need to have faith that it will be done even if it means not to our expectation. Thank You for Ryan’s life he did not die in vain his story will impact many !
I am so sorry for your loss. My high school sweetheart faced the same things with his family. The problem was that when he was sick and on his death bed, nobody bothered to call me (he and I had stayed in touch – our bond allowed us to contact each other even when we had traveled or moved without notice.) I found out about it by reading his obituary in the paper. He was bisexual, and our love was unspoken. Hell of a way to find out your soul mate had died. Because of this we were robbed of a final goodbye. damn.
This message (though so painful for me to hear as a gay man myself that has struggled with my Christianity and with the support of my family) is a message I wish every parent would hear, before it’s to late… This has truly made an impact on my life, and I’m sure the lives of so many others. Thank you for sharing your story with myself and so many others. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be to do so. May The Lord bring you and your husband peace in knowing your helping so many others buy sharing this message…
God Bless.
Brandon.
This made me cry 😥 Very touching
My heart goes out to you for the suffering that you are enduring from the loss of Ryan. I was raised in a family of 6 children, with a very religious background. My youngest brother is gay and suffered through similar guilt before finally being able to reveal himself to me. I consulted a friend, who was a counselor and she told me that if he had a choice, to tell him that he should “choose” to be straight, because being gay would mean that he would be choosing a lifetime of persecution. So I wrote him a letter and gave him that advice and he told me later how hurtful the letter had been for him. Several years later, he “came out” to my sister and I, by inviting us to an apartment that he was sharing with a friend. His ” friend” was not home at the time, but as we saw the well decorated “one bedroom” apartment and how happy he seemed, we accepted him for who he really is. It is not a “choice” that you make, but it is how you were born, it is who you are. He did have a partner for years, until my brother contacted “AIDS” and they enventually broke up. When my brother was in the hospital, receiving his “Last Rites”, our family and all the relatives came together and prayed and cried and loved him and refused to leave until he was well enough to go home again. All of his gay friends joined our family and came to the hospital and brought us food and flowers, to carry us through the ordeal. We were lucky to have him live, at a time, when most “gays” died from AIDS. He is still alive and is living proof, that the medical world can work miracles. He is a “gifted”, artistic, loving, caring, giving part of the community that makes the world a better place to live in. All of us were born for a reason, and we should love each other ” just because we breathe”—-no truer words were ever spoken. Written to honor my brother Ted, whom the entire family loves and always will. Love, Eilleen
Eilleen, what a BEAUTIFUL tribute to Ted. Nothing could be better!! Such HOPE for we who are slow to learn!
Hello Linda and Rob,
I read your story earlier today and it brought tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart because I know the pain, the hurt, and confusion on both sides. I have experienced Ryan’s anger and bitterness (but have fleshed that out in different ways than he did). I hurt for you, as parents who have lost a child. I pray God’s best for you and as you help others, like myself, you WILL see God’s purposes. I have no doubt about that.
My story is similar, but the roles are reversed. I was married, have children, and had a loving 6-year relationship with a man I loved more than anyone in the world. He passed away this winter and I am now dealing with the loss of the love of my life, PLUS physical and emotional rejection by my children (in varying degrees) and family members.
The reason for that struggle is my Christian upbringing and teachings. I was raised in Baptist churches and was in ministry myself but had to resign due to my attraction and activity. I understand all that you as parents and what Ryan went through.
So thank you for your openness with all of this. It does help the rest of us to know that we are not alone.
BA
It’s not religion that caused this problem. It’s man. It’s always man that fouls up the beautiful things God gives us. The earth, the air, the water, life, each other. We do this for any number of reasons: ignorance, fear, greed, envy, our burger was cold.
Sadly, my father and stepmother would rather me be dead than gay. To head off the naysayers at the pass, yes, it’s true. I’ve heard the words. No, they don’t need time. They’ve known for 20 years. To them, I lost my job as punishment from God. I can’t find another that will allow me to eat and keep a home because I’m being punished by God. I’m losing my house in a few weeks because I’m being punished by God. Do they help me at all? No, as it would not help me learn what God expects of me and would be interfering with God’s punishment of me. (This was told to my niece.) Yet these same people help and parade their other children, all of whom have multiple children by multiple mates, not one child with the same two parents, all out of wedlock. I guess when it comes to abominations, some things are more abominable than others.
S,
I have no words. Only pain. Your story is absolutely TRAGIC.
But people like you, whom God created in His image, and who He loves fiercely, are the reason we are sharing our story. Thank you for reminding me that this is still going on….TODAY…in 2013.
I know how this works. You’ll only post the responses that are supportive of the horrible act you and your husband have committed. Still, you’ll have to read this before you delete it.
What you did to this poor young man is despicable. Not only did you abuse him emotionally, so much so that you drove him to a prematurely torturous death, but now you’re displaying his photo in an attempt to solicit the sympathy of strangers and wash away your own. I wish you both nothing but misery for the rest of your miserable lives.
Len, since you posted this on July 1st, before we decided to stop posting condemnation and hate speech, I am going to go ahead and approve this. We have been approving everything that has come in…I think there were only a few hours on Monday when our son was putting some straight in the trash because he didn’t want us to have to read untrue, cruel things. But since then, and until now, we have continued to approve everything.
You may think our love for Ryan was despicable. You have the right to your opinion. But I sure wish you could speak to my gay brother, Ryan’s uncle, who spoke to Ryan almost every day in his last year of life, as well as many of Ryan’s gay and straight friends who know our family well. They all watched us love Ryan without condition when he returned after using drugs…so much so that several of our Christian friends condemned us for it.
Our motive is displaying his picture is NOT to get sympathy. It is to help other teens and young adults realize that he was just a regular kid – like them – and that we are just regular people, real people, trying to learn and grow and change as we live this life.
I wish you grace, mercy and blessing for the rest of your life, Len.
Linda,
I relate well to your son’s struggle. Early in my childhood I began experiencing an unwanted same sex attraction. I did everything I could to fight it all the way through high school and college – counseling, prayer, etc. I vividly remember many nights before bed crying out to the Lord to rid me of these feelings. I graduated valedictorian, was an all star athlete, and was accepted into medical school last year, but very few knew of my internal struggle.
In the last year, my life has changed dramatically. Finally feeling as though I had reconciled my faith with my sexuality, I met someone… and fell in love. Not wanting to live a double life any longer, I told my parents at the age of 23 this past August that I was gay. All of a sudden my life changed forever. I am not the same person to them, and they wonder how I can still claim to be a Christian. Regardless of my accomplishments or my personal faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, I am now considered a failure in some regard through their eyes. I am an only child, and I worry I am slowly losing my family as they refuse to acknowledge my boyfriend and important events in my life.
You have an amazing testimony and I believe God is using you to touch families like mine. Thank you.
Michael…WOW! God is good! I am so glad that you have been able to KNOW that Jesus fiercely loves you!!!
All I can say is, be patient with your family…pray like crazy…and keep listening to Jesus’ voice. HE will take care of the rest. YOU have a story that needs to be heard.
thank you for your words and your story. you are beautiful and strong people. i’m in awe of your strength. Thanks again.
I was headed down this path and thankfully I saw a different way. I am also thankful that my mom got to choose a different path then was taught to her and she loved me unconditionally. After months of not talking to me because her faith told her I was going to hell. A Roman Catholic Priest taught my mom that she would not find Gods grace nor admittance into heaven because she threw away Gods gift to her. We were able to spend 7 months together and she loved me unconditionally before God called her home. I cry for this family and for all those who push us away because we love differently. May they choose love over hate and fear before they to can no longer love just because their child breathes. Blessed Be.
“May they choose love over hate and fear before they to can no longer love just because their child breathes.” My prayer, too!!
Hi Mr and Mrs Robertson,
I am so moved by your story, yet it is a story we have read time and time again. I know your son is with his Father in Heaven, and your family is so blessed to have had him for so many wonderful years, even though I know you wish you could have him a few more days. But fear not, you will be together again someday, because the mistakes we make here are our milestones, we learn here so slowly. We are such babes in the woods learning our way in God’s many Holy mysteries. Take heart, your son is with God in his tender hands, as you are as well. You are all loved by Him and nothing will ever separate you from Him. It is so sad that we think we are all doing the best we know how to do, and find so much later we were not even close to the answer. I say again, God is with you, have courage, you’ll see your son again someday. I am so impressed by the level of your love and devotion, very saddened by your loss, but so very hopeful at your wisdom. God love you, God keep you, and be with you through all your days to come.
Such wisdom and grace, Pete! Thank you for your words of HOPE!
I would like to first of all tell you how sorry I am for your family’s tremendous loss. I pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you and bring you peace and comfort. Secondly, I would like to thank you for sharing your story. Much of it is very similar to my own story and I feel God has spoken to me through you. I have also grown up painfully struggling with my sexuality. All my life I have fought being gay, and because of fear and shame, I have denied myself God’s greatest gift…Love. It’s been a long struggle…a painful fight, and I’m tired…tired of being alone, tired of denying myself of being in love and being loved, and I’m tired of emotionally hiding…hiding from my family and friends, hiding from myself…and trying to hide from God. I too have been depressed and suicidal. I’ve turned to God, turned away from God…turned to drugs, and turned back to God. I have tearfully prayed myself to sleep, BEGGING the Lord to remove these “unnatural” feelings and desires from me…He never did. I am now 51 and I’m emotionally alone. But your story gives me hope…God bless you!
Daqz, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. You are SO BRAVE! I admire you so much!
If you haven’t discovered the Gay Christian Network, look them up now (http://www.gaychristian.net/). Their founder, Justin Lee, wrote an incredible book called, “Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate” It is AMAZING.
Praying for you!
Thanks so very much for sharing Ryan’s story. The word heartbreaking would be an understatement, but your loss is definitely heaven’s gain. Ryan is now with the King of Kings and one day in the future, he will meet you at the gates to introduce you to Jesus.
I loved Ryan’s slideshow and am drawn to the song. It is a perfect song for my 9yo son who has Autism and struggles with being bullied at school. In the words of his neuro-typical classmates, he should never have been born. 😥 Linda, could you please let me know the title and artist of the song?
May God bless you and your message of Ryan’s story!
❤
I LOVE IT that this spoke to you about your precious son with Autism…and who is, INDEED, perfect!!
The song is a cover by Boyce Avenue (Pink did the original). We LOVE it and cry every time we hear it.
Much love to you!
nice written article. truly a parent who loves. just wasnt quick enough at the time, but does realize how that missed. truly grateful she missed the mark n realized her n her husbands errors. dont judge. love all of gods children equally. we all want to be loved and valued in our own right. enough said. but my hearts go out to these and all parents. love your children.
I remember the same struggles as Ryan. At one point over some time in my early 20s struggling so hard with my Christian heritage and the thing about me which some felt excluded me from it, I remember one Saturday afternoon in my apartment kitchen mopping floors and praying what had become a repetitive and unanswered prayer. “God how do I reconcile what I am with the church? Help me to understand. Help me to find peace with this.” But that afternoon as sunlight streamed into the window and warmed my face, a voice as clear as if someone were standing next to me said, “My son, you don’t need to worry about what the Church thinks, only what I think and I made you in my image, perfect.”
If you ask anyone what they would think if they heard a voice in their head they would like tell you it would make them question their sanity. Yet I tell you the voice was completely familiar and loving and brought peace and I did not fear it. I did however question it. “Lord, but they say I cannot be saved and gay. I don’t want to spend my life alone. How can both live within me?” And with but a sentence he put my heart at peace for evermore.
“My son, you live your life. Love anyone you choose and Love me as I love you. Let me worry about the details.”
I knew what He was telling me was that the church didn’t always have the answers and that often the so-called loudest mouthpieces for God are driven by fear rather than by faith. Now as I sit here 20 years later listening to your story of how God led you to change your perspective, I know it verifies what He told me that day that was for me so long ago. And I realize that God is good and God continues to lead me to what is right for me to know in the time it is right for me to know it and when I falter, He sends me reminders of His love and compassion. I feel that I just received one. A reminder that in your husband’s wonderful, lovely words: “God isn’t wringing his hands over this issue. He is WAY WAY bigger than this. I know that God did not reject or abandon you or anyone else.”
As I listen with intensity and with love and with sorrow for your loss, I understand the words so clearly. I understand Ryan so well and I understand the place God has led you so heart wrenchingly to. And I understand that but for His grace go I.
Know that I weep for your son and I weep for you and I rejoice for the love you shared.
A very emotional & touching story.. My heart was breaking as your story went on.. I hope that your story will show parents to love & accept their gay child.. Ryan was an amazing young man.. Thank you for sharing your story.. GOD BLESS …..
I too am a Christian who loves a gay son. I have said many times the sin of (the practice of) homosexuality seems to be so much more significant in the eyes of so many Christians. Sin is sin. One of the key differences in our stories is that I knew from the time my son was very, very young. He was quite bright and communicative early on. I remember mentioning my concerns to his pediatrician at his two year old well visit. The doctor said there was nothing he had ever read that documented homosexual tendencies at that age. So, I was never surprised by it at all. Had I not had my own child that was gay, (and recognizing it so early) I might have been of the mindset that it was a choice. But, I absolutely believe it is not a choice. What to make of it or how to explain it…I don’t know. And like many other things that have happened in my life, I have stopped asking why. I am so sorry for your loss. Thankful you got to reconcile and have a relationship with Ryan before he passed away. I just posted this article on my 22 year old son’s facebook wall. He just texted me and said “Made me cry…I feel for them. I went through the same thing.”
I pray as Christians we can stop judging and alienating….and just love like Jesus..or do our best to try.
Thank you for sharing…
Tammy Kfoury
I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story. My 20 year-old daughter came out to me as bisexual when she was about 14. I do not know the point that she came to realize this about her sexuality but am sure she agonized over it for quite some time before actually talking with me about it. She often shared things with me about her schoolmates & their sexuality that sometimes made me cringe internally – but externally, I tried to remain calm and have honest and frank discussions with her. Looking back, I wonder if she used those opportunities to gauge my reactions. I have always been a faithful Christian and raised her in the same manner. We knew people that were gay, and like you and your husband, we talked about love and acceptance in our household. However, just as you expressed – it is different when it is your own child. Not that we loved her any less, but we feared what the future was going to hold for her – questioning whether she truly was bisexual – was this just the latest “thing” – feeling conflicted with our Christian beliefs and the impending “lifestyle” that she may lead – and honestly, how we would be viewed. She also posted that she was bisexual on facebook in the “about me” section. At that point, a family member gave her bible verse after bible verse to “make” her see the error of her ways. While I knew he was trying to “help”, I think that was my turning point – where I felt the need to stand up for her. While this was a frustrating event, it opened up a lot of dialogue between me and my daughter – about sexuality – about Christianity – about the grace of God and His love and His acceptance. My daughter, of course, experienced bouts of depression even some self-destructive behavior – and I, too, parented out of fear. I know this will be an ongoing journey – not only for us as parents – but for her as grows and builds relationships. I will take to heart many of the points brought out in your story. I am blessed to still have my beautiful daughter but there were times in this journey when I was so scared that would not be the case. My heart breaks for you and your husband as you miss your Ryan every day but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story and Ryan’s story.
Thank YOU, Linda! Wow..there are so many of us – Christian parents with gay kids – and we NEED each other, don’t we?! Bless you for your honesty and kind words! I need YOU!
Even now, you still don’t get it. Even as you see others say their homosexual child, obviously, just IS gay, there’s that little dig you, inadvertantly, get in: “(a)s Christian parents of gay children.” NO! “Christian” is not an immutable characteristic of an individual, being gay is. You may have been “Christian” all your life, but only because it was a tradition into which you, probably, were born. So, I’ve got a question for you… Outside of the briefest mention, you say nothing of your brother, Don. Did/does the family completely accept him (I assume he’s living), or is he “doing” gay stuff and, thus, beyond redemption? In the six years before your son rejected you, did you use your brother as a positive role model for your son… or a weapon?
I feel sympathy for your son and the hell that was his teen-age years… a hell totally of your own making.
When he came out to you, why didn’t you just kill him then? Or did you, somewhere deep inside, get some pleasure from the torture you were inflicting on him? From your narrative, I don’t get the sense you’ve come to understand sexual orientation is immutable… just that God chose not to change Ryan’s.
Eric – You can ask Don for all the facts. He is one of our closest friends, and he has our 100% support in EVERY area of his life.
And as for orientation change, I don’t believe it is impossible (because with God nothing is), but I have never seen it, just as I have never seen God change someone’s hair color or any other physical, inborn characteristic.
I am sorry for making you so angry…but please be gentle before you judge our son’s entire teenage years. You would need to read his journals, talk to his friends and hear from his siblings before you could even begin to make such a harsh judgement.
Please, show us the same grace you wish every gay teen would be shown, just like I do.
I wanted to try to reply to Eric. My fear is he has missed the most important part of the story. Yes, we chose our faith – our Christianity, and Eric is correct – your son . . . my daughter . . . they did not choose to be homosexual or bisexual. It was the sexuality they were born with and, sadly, tormented with as they walked their own individual journey of accepting themselves – accepting their own sexuality. However, until you are in the parental position, you cannot realize the mix of emotions. The natural parental urge to “help” your child – until we, as parents, can realize there is nothing to do but accept and love your child – to embrace them because they are the same child they were before. That seemed to be the heart of your message. What I want ask of the world – of the LGBT community – is to not paint all Christians with the same “broad stroke”. We do not all have the same beliefs – the same convictions – the same understandings – because we have all lived different lives – traveled different roads and experienced vastly different events. I feel the most important part of your story is that Christians and the LGBT Community do not have to be at odds. There are plenty of Christians that embrace all people – regardless of race, color, creed, or sexual orientation. It does seem that the Christians that like to point fingers and “judge” get the most attention, and that is most unfortunate. No one should be treated as “less than”. We are all worthy of Christ’s love – worthy of His Grace – surely all Christians should be able to agree on that fact.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
While I can only imagine the pain of losing a child and have great sympathy with you Linda, I cannot help but to point out that you have only yourself to blame for losing Ryan. I agree fully with what Eric said.
If you hadn’t place fealty to your Imaginary Friend, Yahweh, above your love for your son, he would never have ended up the way he did. You made it very clear from the moment he came out that you didn’t want him to be that way and that one of his most basic drives was disgusting to God. His failed attempts to change something that cannot be changed, in order to win his parents’ love and approval (a natural thing for a child to do) and the resultant self loathing, misery and stress were clearly the causes of his depression and attempts to escape through substance abuse.
If you had just accepted your son for who he was, he would still be alive today.
I have a feeling there are many Christian parents of gay children who live in fear and confusion and have no one to talk to. It can be isolating. There needs to be support groups and more positive, loving information instead of cherry picking certain Bible versus which just makes parents like us wrought with fear about our gay child’s salvation. Thank you for sharing your story and I am truly sorry for your loss.
AMEN!! So true, Cheryl!! We need each other!
Mothers,
The Marin Foundation is seeking help by parents, (by phone interviews) to see how they can bridge this gap. I was thankful to participate.
Contact Laura laura@merinfoundation.org
I pray for the day that we don’t have to feel so isolated.
Linda, thank you for sharing your precious son.
Dear Lindia
I’m very sorry about your son I’m sure he is very happy that you share your story with millions he would probably so proud that you did this a smile would never leave his face I had tears in my eyes the whole time I’m probably a little young to be reading this story (I’m 14) but my friend told me about and I had to read it. But I told my parents I’m gay and they are kind of steering me in the direct he went in and I want to show them this video but I don’t want them to get the wrong idea that I would start to do drugs just that I want them to stop trying to change me and for me trying to change for them and for them to love me as there son again
Oh, Hunter…I will pray that you will have wisdom! You sound like SUCH a great guy…I am so thankful for you, and I know that God is DELIGHTED with you!!
Thank you Linda the world needs more mothers like you
And more GUYS like YOU.
Tons of love, my friend!
Hi Hunter, I’ve read your comment & I honestly feel that if you show your parents this video,,, that they will learn from it & see the affect that this story has touched.. They need to accept you for who you are as their son & not for who they want you to be… They loved you as their son before you came out to them & they will love you even more now… I told my parents when I was 17 years old & they still love me just the same as before.. It just took them some time to accept that they had a gay son … But their love never changed.. Your parents might not always agree with what you do in life, but a parents love for their child should never change no matter what… Be strong Hunter & everything will turn out the way you want…
Thank you I showed my parents the video and now they realize that they could accept me for who I am thank you so much
Hunter,
Just wanted to let you know that God made you just as you are. I have 2 sons who are caring, loving, intelligent, successful, wonderful men. One happens to be gay. I know you are struggling, but you can get through this. Both my sons’ personalities where clear from the start, including their sexuality. You don’t need to change a thing. Be who God designed you to be.
Mama R.
Hi Hunter – I can’t speak for your parents in any way but just wanted to let you know that the ONLY thing that is important is that you love yourself for exactly who you are. Nothing else matters right now. I came out at 15 a long time ago and it took me a long time to love myself, the consequences of which continue to reverberate today. My advice to you as someone who has been in a similar situation with parents and a society that didn’t understand is – don’t worry about any of that. Do NOT change for anyone – You are absolutely perfect and if you truly love yourself, you will find the happiness and life that you want (and deserve). Those who really love you will love you for who you are and not for any other reason. 🙂
As AOL is my ‘homepage’ I saw and clicked on your story right away. I am a 56 year old gay Christian man, who went through the struggles of you son at a different time in my life. I actually married a woman, and fathered two children, all the while knowing that I was gay. I had known of my same sex attractions since my very early years. My teen years were horrible,, because I just didn’t fit in anywhere, then I found the Southern Baptist Church youth group. They were my entire teen social life until I married. I became involved as and adult (19 years old) in a new Southern Baptist church. My wife and I were ‘youth directors, until ‘the catastrophe” happened. I was found out. Life,, my WHOLE life, was gone. It has taken many years for me to rebuild, but still, I feel the pain of the decisions that were made by my ‘church family’. I attended Homosexuals Annon,, a group associated with Exodus international, in an attempt to save my life, my marriage, and my fatherhood. That was the second disaster.
As I read your story, and watched you video, well, I could hardly see some of it through the tears.
I have salvaged my life, and only through finally understanding that God created me and loves me unconditionally, did I find the strength to continue.
I have always had a great interest in working with teen age people. My sons chose to come to live with me in their teen years, and the relationships that I was able to make with their friends have endured to this day. They are all in their 30’s now. I was, at the time, the only gay person who would take the time to talk with them, and we had a ‘core group’ of my son’s friends who cared enough to hear me out, to understand, and to reach out to their peers about the treatment of gay kids at their high school.
I don’t feel that I am saying the right words here to convey what I am feeling after reading your story, but I would like to help to spread you story if possible. I could have easily been your son, and the results could have easily been the same. Only by the grace of God am I still here.
I live in Maryland. How can I help to spread your story? How can I help other gay children to know that they are loved unconditionally by God? How can I break through the religious dogma and help the “Christians’ in my family, and my community, to understand the HARM that t they are doing to their young people, who have NO choice in their sexuality?
Sorry for the long post,, I am sure that you are overwhelmed with replies. I am Misterfixit044@aol .com…. Ron Meyer
Ron…your reply is BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU!! What an amazing heart you have…You are a BLESSING!!
And Ron…Rob and I are praying about that VERY thing. I will try to keep this blog updated as to how God works, and how we can all join together as Christians who want to make sure that EVERYONE knows that Jesus loves them!
Linda, I grieved to read your story, but I was inspired by you to spend a lot of time talking to my 13 and 9 year old girls, telling them about a kind, motivated Mom–you, Linda–who I knew from childhood, and who together with your family endured this horrible tragedy. I was very honest with them about the gravity of this subject, and I told them that I will always, always, always accept them unconditionally no matter what their choice of partners as they grow up, so long as they are good people and don’t hurt others. I also told them to stay away from drugs or alcohol (or friends who influence them to go that route), and that I’ll always be there no questions asked, if they’re in trouble.
Nothing I could ever say could possibly be the “right thing to say” for something like this. But if it means anything, my two children, thanks to your honest and sincere words of wisdom posted online, now understand clearly your good advice and important information that you’ve passed along to people like me, to my kids.
I admire you–you are making a difference! Take care, Paul A.
Paul…you have ALWAYS been a dear friend who I’ve respected greatly. Thank you for letting me know how our story impacted you – and your daughters! I am so glad to call you friend…through almost 50 years!!
Dear Linda
You must be such a amazing mom as soon as I finished reading and watching everything I sent this link to my parents my friends (straight and gay) my friends parents my teachers and everyone that I could send it to I sent it to because your story is so touching I was crying almost the whole time and people other people should also feel the emotion this story has because it could change a lot of people’s lives I know it did mine I’m very grateful that u were willing to share this with the world I’m sure you made thousands cry with your heart touching story I wish to say thank you so much and good luck
Lot of love: Jesse
Dear Linda,
Your story was very moving, being a tribute to your journey towards even greater love and compassion for all. The sooner that Americans recognize the divinity and dignity of the LGBT — and their God-given sexuality, the sooner that young gay people will stop being bullied or hurting themselves. These kids are exactly as God made them: beautiful, whole, and complete. Like your son, Ryan.
My boyfriend (who is a child psychologist in the Bay Area) and I were part of a core band of activists who helped pass the first law in the world, in California, to ban reparative ‘therapy’ on LGBT youth, in 2012. There is nothing to repair or fix; these kids are made exactly in God’s image! L
All people deserve love, companionship and intimacy — gay or straight. All lives are equal!
all my best, Joe
Thank you for your work toward ending reparative therapy.
As the mother of a “gay” son and a true lover of the Lord, I write this with the utmost understanding. I remember the day that my son “came out” to me and I too went to the place of his salvation. I can make this long and drawn out about my feelings but I won’t. The Lord shared with me early on that He created my son and that He doesn’t make mistakes…He created him in His image…so just love him as you always have and He will take care of the rest. The overwhelming peace that came with that message has been an amazing blessing to me. God does not make mistakes and He loves us for who we are just as that is…
Dear Carol
You have just written the words I have been struggling to convey. Your short but powerful message has confirmed what I believe. God does not make mistakes. He has created each and every one of us just as He planned. I only wish I had prayed the right prayers and listened to His answers when my son “came out.” Through many mistakes on my part and his self destructiveness, drugs, alcohol, HIV, I have prayed the same prayers many Christian parents of gay children have prayed. So wrong! The realization has finally come full circle. God loves and can only love Isn’t that his greatest commandment? Our job is not to judge or hate but to love unconditionally. ……just because he breathes.
thank you for doing this. You touch more people that you know.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I so wish there was a way for you and your husband to sit down and speak with my parents. I have just recently come out to my family and have been abandoned by my parents and much of my extend family. Being the only child, this has left me to create my new family. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I have children that are in jeopardy of losing their dad because of the religious beliefs of my parents and ex-wife. Please pray that God will change hearts and minds and bring this family back together.
We WILL pray, Joel! Don’t give up hope – God is BIG and He loves you fiercely! And as my friend Neely keeps reminding me, His love WINS!
First, thank you so much for sharing your life with so many of us.
I’m sitting here thinking everyone should read and know your story. What I embraced the most isn’t what your son’s sexuality was or the journey to accept. I, personally, took a message that we all need to live in the now and accept everyone in our life just has God has created them. It’s unfortunate religion has so many rules.