On the night of November 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our twelve-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.
Ryan says: can i tell u something
Mom says: Yes I am listening
Ryan says: well i don’t know how to say this really but, well……, i can’t keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can’t believe i just told you
Mom says: Are you joking?
Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don
Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?
Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don’t like hannah
Ryan says: it’s just a cover-up
Mom says: but that doesn’t make you gay…
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don’t understand
Ryan says: i am gay
Mom says: tell me more
Ryan says: it’s just the way i am and it’s something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing
Mom says: what do you mean?
Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that
Mom says: I love you no matter what
Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this
Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?
Ryan says: i know
Mom says: thank you for telling me
Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now
Mom says: I love you more for being honest
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR.
We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we – and God – were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards, even if it was incredibly difficult.
Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly and went to all the youth group events and Bible Studies. He chose to get baptized and filled journals with his prayers. He read all the Christian books that explained where his gay feelings came from and dove into counseling to further discover the origin of his unwanted attraction to other guys. He worked through difficult conflict resolution with Rob and I, and invested even more deeply in his friendships with other guys (straight guys) just like the reparative therapy experts advised.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer Ryan’s prayers – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between God and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between his faith and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. As a teenager, he had to accept that he would never have the chance to fall in love, hold hands, have his first kiss or share the intimacy and companionship that we, as his parents, enjoy. We had always told our kids that marriage was God’s greatest earthly gift…but Ryan had to accept that he alone would not be offered that present.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.
Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan’s death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity, and his mounting anger at God.
Ryan started with weed and beer…but in six short months was using cocaine and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly after, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half we didn’t know where he was, or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him never to have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.
By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:
Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had ALWAYS been forgiven.)
Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)
Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with fifteen boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again…AND with his boyfriend.)
And a new journey was begun. One of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. LOTS of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son, and leave the rest up to Him.
Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn’t without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing…and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if WE could forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.
And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict…he got back together with his old friends…his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in ten months…and the last time. We got a phone call from a social worker at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle asking us to come identify our son – that he had arrived there in a coma, in critical condition. We spent 17 days at Harborview, during which time our whole family was able to surround and love on Ryan. We experienced miracle after miracle during that time, things that no doctor had any medical explanation for. God’s presence was TANGIBLE in Ryan’s room. But that is a long, sacred story that I’ll have to tell another time.
Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.
Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, who I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by FAITH instead of by FEAR. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner.
But instead, we visit Ryan’s gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange – his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy…for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, but ache for the one of our “gang of four” who is missing. We mark life by the days BC (before coma) and AD (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed – in a million ways – by his death. We treasure friendships with others who “get it”…because they, too, have lost a child.
We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try – not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.
Linda Robertson – Originally posted on FaceBook on January 14, 2013
Just Because He Breathes 
2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”
Dear friends
A friend of mine posted your story on Facebook and it touched me deeply. We are going through difficult times in Brazil as a result of the election of very conservative Evangelical people as Federal Representatives in our National Congress who are extremely homophobic. They intend to force the passing of a national law that would authorize psychologists to insist on “healing gays” out of their homosexuality. I feel that your testimony would be extremely powerful into forcing many members of our churches to reconsider what does it mean loving a gay child. The trouble is that the majority of our people do not speak or read English. I wonder if you would allow me to translate your story into Portuguese (at no cost) so that it would be widely understood here. I am a retired Methodist minister, a university professor and a certified English translator. I would be honored to if you would allow me to divulge your story. You can reach me through my e-mail. Sincerely, Sérgio Marcus Pinto Lopes, PhD.
I am crying so much, I can’t really write to you. What you have shared is so meaningful to me. Just because he breathes ……… May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you His peace.
Thanks for sharing your story. It really moved me to tears. As someone who is Spiritual and queer, it’s very difficult to read of the beginning journey with your son, as I too come from a very religious family. Now at 29 I am finally seeing and understanding and accepting the path that I believe God has for me. I pray that your hearts are healed, if only for a moment, and that you know you have expressed very honestly your love for your son. Thank you for sharing.
reading your story is both wonderful and sad At the same time. Because the world accepts and pushes gayNess into our lives from a very young age, it is No wonder that being mixed with other people and children in the world that your son came to feel This and accept This kind of behaviour. We never stop loving our children and people Who are gay. Its the gayNess the bible teaches us to hate. Lets not forget the bible says that the name of Jesus will even divide families. Unfortunately just Good feelings are not enough to Enjoy around your gay families if You cant Stand for Christ. Your son chose to use drugs just as many people do with bad friends. The death that is the most sad is not the death of his flesh But the second death of his spirit Bec if a person rejects GOD and GODs ways then So will GOD reject a person. This is a very sad story and i just pray You keep Ur faith in Christ Ur saviour. All my love. Dudley
Thank you for your love, Dudley. I don’t agree with your perspective on what the Bible teaches, but I am thankful that you took the time to read this. Grace to you!
Dudley you may be missing Jesus’ message of unbounded, unrestricted and unfathomable love, and that’s what this family has discovered. You WILL too when you are ready.
Thank you for sharing this!
A very powerful witness!
“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” ~ Desmond Tutu
Thank you for sharing this powerful witness.
I am very sorry for your loss.
“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” ~ Desmond Tutu
Thank you from the depth of my heart for sharing this. I am so moved by this story because if you changed the names this would be my exact same story. The only difference is that I survived, barely, but I did. I thank you for sharing this so I am able to share it with my parents. They still struggle with their beliefs but want to do the right things. I rejected god, almost died from a drunken car crash (broke my legs, colapsed lungs, burns, etc), tried to forget my pain through drugs and alcohol for many years, spent time with Alan Chambers as he led a bible study in Gainesville FL 10 years ago, read every book, went to a couple Exodus conferences, spent 4 days a week in church and prayed for YEARS that God would save me. I am now 30, barely survived my 20s, and am still learning to love myself. I have a wonderful partner who loves me more than I love myself, who supports me and encourages me. I thought that to love God I would have to live a life alone but I was so wrong. My parents were exactly like you two, wonderful parents with their hearts in the right place, but living their lives through fear. We all do it, but you articulated my struggle, and my parents struggle, so well and I just love you for it. I hope the entire world hears Ryan and your story. You will save lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ~Marcel
So thankful that GOD has preserved you, Marcel!! You are a TREASURE!!
Thank you so much.
I am so thankful, Duncan, that Jesus has not told my husband and I that, either in His word or through His Holy Spirit. Our son, our other kids, and Rob and I are saved only by GRACE…by the unfathomable love of our Lord and Savior.
Thank you for sharing your story.
No words. Only tears.
And gratefulness for God’s leading.
BUCKETS of love to you today, M.P.
Linda…Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. I so hope that little by little you can find peaceful moments and hope, that your torment will become less in time. God does not want any of us to suffer in this life, but it seems to happen when we misunderstand Him and His love. I hope you think that I’m demeaning your situation by telling you this. I’ve written a novel about a fundamentalist minister who finds out that his eighteen-year-old is gay which sends him on a spiritual journey much like yours. It is available only on Amazon (www.amzn.to/TmW77t). Perhaps it will give you some comfort. I hope so. Tom
Thank you so much for sharing this, it is very brave of you to be so vulnerable and honest, sorry my comment can’t express my thanks and thoughts as well as you have. I’ve had similar worries and your blog is a welcomed reminder to let go of trying to control my children’s path and to love them for the blessing they are. God is in control and loves everyone, sometimes we need reminding of that. My children are gifts from God but they are also His children too; thankfully He is forgiving of my mistakes of a Father! God bless you and your family.
“Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
Pablo Neruda…..♡
Just saw this quote on Facebook and thought how appropriate.
It is PERFECT!! God must want to remind me of this today, since you are the second person to share it with me in ten minutes!!
You should be truly ashamed of yourself…every single moment of every single day. Your son came to you with the hope that you would take away his shame and embarrassment. He wanted you to be his pillar of strength. His mother. And what did you do? You told him that he should feel more ashamed and more embarrassed, because that’s what god would want for him. He lived a life of struggle and torment from HIS OWN FAMILY, because you are too small to even consider in the FIRST PLACE that perhaps god loves us all. Don’t think that sharing your story about your disgusting neglect as a parent will ever absolve you of the pain that you caused. Ryan’s heaven is a life without you in it. I hope he is happy there and at peace with a man who truly loves him.
I did make huge mistakes. And I, thank God, was able to ask Ryan’s forgiveness for each and every one. And he gladly gave it, because he was a man of great grace and love, like the God who created him, and all of us.
I am thankful we have many of Ryan’s own words – a few here on this blog – to remind us that what you have shared is not true.
May you know the God of grace, love and mercy more each day.
“Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
Pablo Neruda…..♡
AMEN. Thank you for sharing!! My new favorite quotation!
Hi, my friend posted this on her fab time line and I have to say this is very touching. I am gay I am 26 years old. I was born and raise in a christian home and well I was always scared of telling anyone I was gay. I have a gay brother who is 30. His life was a living hell before he left home. The rejection is what pushed him away and made him an alcoholic. The thing is I always knew but I also knew I wasn’t going to be accepted. And after seeing what my brother went through I was more scared. I went through so much trying to hide it. But after my mom passed I just didn’t care anymore and I came out to friends and family. Half of them walked away, a man I only met 5 years ago told me I wasn’t his daughter. My brothers and sisters accepted me. But so much has gone wrong since I came out, I was starting to believe a lot of people that God was punishing me for being gay. In my heart I know that’s not true and that the God I was raised to believe and worship loves me just the way I am. Reading this today gives me hope, tells me that he does love me and my partner (also raised in a christian home and also going through a lot because she is gay). Thank you for sharing your story and I pray and hope a lot of families get a hold of your testimonies so it can enlighten how they view things. I wan’t to go back to church and I also would love to get back into a relationship with God. I want my relationship to be blessed by God. It’s hard and God knows I love him and worship him with my heart and soul. I do pray I meet people like you on my path. May God bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing and bringing hope into my heart.
I’m sorry, but I can’t believe this is a true story.
Feel free to ask our friends, family and kids…every word is completely true. But don’t feel alone – sometimes we marvel at it, too…and this isn’t the half of it. God is BIG!
Dear Linda,
I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. It has truly touched my heart. (I’m at work right now bawling my eyes out.) I too come from a Christian family that taught us what is right and wrong. To follow God’s word and to love HIM unconditionally. My Mom, like you, was a good godly Christian woman doing her best to raise 4 kids by herself. (She had all 4 in the matter of 3 years.) I came out to her when I was 15 years old. Her Christian response, “I will always love you but this is not what God wants for your life. You are not gay, you just think you are. We will get you help.” That was they day when my resentment started. It’s was ok for her best friend to be gay but not her youngest son. She took me to counseling, had our pastor and associate pastor quote me bible verse after bible verse of how this was not god’s plan for my life. Had all my Uncle’s and my older brother (all preachers in the Baptist religion) try to guide me on the right path. This is not what I wanted. I just wanted to be loved and accepted by my mother, no matter what. I know she thought what she was doing was the right way, the godly way, but she was pushing me away. I started to rebel. Started to get into trouble at school. Tried to commit suicide 3 times by the time I was 17. I got into trouble with the law and was sent to jail for a few years. I also got involved in drugs. My Mom would always ask why, but I didn’t want to tell her the truth. I didn’t want to hurt her but in reality I was with my actions. I finally told my family to quit throwing the bible at me and preaching at me. I am going to live my life the way I want and they can’t stop it. I even threatened that if I heard one mention of god or Jesus they would never hear from me again. To this day, I do not speak to some of my family members because of that. Unfortunately, my mother passed away July 20, 2007. In just under 3 weeks time she will have been gone for 6 years. As I type this, I’m looking at her picture on my desk wishing I could go back in time and change a lot of things. To do things differently. I was in jail when she passed away. I didn’t even have the opportunity to attend her funeral. I never got to say good bye. It’s not her fault, they were my own actions. My decisions in life.
Hearing yours and your husbands story however, has really opened my eyes. I never thought that maybe she did some of things not out of love but fear. You don’t think of your parent having fear. They are supposed to protect and console and love you. No matter what. I know she may have thought what she was doing and did was to protect me and guide, but in reality hindered me. Drove me away. I lost my faith in god. I lost my faith in the church. I see Christians today as someone who wants to change you and mold you into what they think god wants you to be. Not as a group of people who love you and accept you unconditionally. I wish I had the opportunity now to say thank you to my mom, and that I love her with all my heart. I know she is in heaven right now, waiting for me. Who knows, maybe she has already talked with Ryan and she has a better understanding of what I went through.
Thank you so much for your inspiring story. You will forever be in my thoughts and I hope I can have the pleasure of meeting you one day and sharing my story with you.
Rob and I are both weeping after reading your message. Calvin, please friend me on FaceBook so we can stay in touch. Bless you for your grace for your mom…she sounds a lot like me…she pushed you away from God not because she didn’t love you, but she was so very afraid. Our culture – and the church – have told us lies about what will happen to our kids if they are gay…as if it is their choice. You described this perfectly.
I am so sorry you didn’t get to reconcile with you mom before she died…what an honor that you keep her picture on your desk.
I don’t know how Heaven works, but I do know this…one day we will ALL be reunited and together…reconciled to our Creator and with our families! I look forward to that day!
Linda, thank you so much for your courage, authenticity, transparency, love, compassion, humility, repentance and righteousness. As I look back over those words — to make certain that they are appropriate, and they are — I’m struck by how rarely they are all used together. How often we find ourselves on one extreme or the other. And yet, what a hallmark of following Christ, to love fully and at the same time do everything in your power to follow Him.
As a Mom myself, I am so deeply sorry for Ryan’s death… but so grateful that you shared a lifetime of genuine love with him to a degree that so many of us struggle to reach. I will be praying daily for your grieving and your healing… knowing that you will never be “over it”, but praying that He will fill you with His hope and peace that cannot be explained, only experienced. And I am praying with gratitude for the joyous reunion you WILL share with Ryan one day — what a joyous party THAT will be!
I have a very close friend who is gay, who I adore. That has led to such deep conviction in recent months by the Holy Spirit to carefully examine what I believe. I trust God’s Word with all my heart… believe it to be “fully God and fully man”, as was Jesus… believe it to be God-breathed… believe it to be trustworthy and unchanging and completely true and correct. It is living… it is infinite… it is miraculous. And yet… what I have “always believed” is difficult to reconcile with what I see in front of me. As a physician (pediatrician), my scientific eyes AND my spiritual discernment tells me that many gay persons, like Ryan, seem to be “born that way.” Unable to change it, no matter how hard they try.
I don’t exactly understand what to do with that… but fully believe that God’s love, mercy and grace must be front and center. We must have the courage to examine ourselves, to wrestle, to study, to seek… and, when necessary, to repent. My desire is not to insist that “God is on our side”… but rather, to make certain that I am on HIS side. I am praying about this constantly… asking God’s direction… and am so grateful for your willingness to share your story.
May the Lord richly bless you… may He protect you… may He give you courage and strength… may He fill you with His joy and peace.
I would like to first of all tell you how sorry I am for your family’s tremendous loss. I pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you and bring you peace and comfort. Secondly, I would like to thank you for sharing your story. Much of it is very similar to my own story and I feel God has spoken to me through you. I have also grown up painfully struggling with my sexuality. All my life I have fought being gay, and because of fear and shame, I have denied myself God’s greatest gift…Love. It’s been a long struggle…a painful fight, and I’m tired…tired of being alone, tired of denying myself of being in love and being loved, and I’m tired of emotionally hiding…hiding from my family and friends, hiding from myself…and trying to hide from God. I too have been depressed and suicidal. I’ve turned to God, turned away from God…turned to drugs, and turned back to God. I have tearfully prayed myself to sleep, BEGGING the Lord to remove these “unnatural” feelings and desires from me…He never did. I am now 51 and I’m emotionally alone. But your story gives me hope…God bless you!
Daqz…and YOU give us Hope! You are a gift from God to us!
I an very interested in obtaining a copy of the song. I have been told that Pink orginally recorded the song but it was too raw and this version has been cleaned up and it works for me.
Forrest – It is the Boyce Avenue cover of Pink’s song. Isn’t it GREAT? 🙂
are you really so delusional that you can’t understand that you drove your son to his early death with your fake christian bigotry?
Hello Mrs. Robertson, you don’t know me. I don’t even live in the US, i live in Venezuela (South America) and i just found your blog thanks to The Huffington Post. And had de urge to share this sad and beautiful story of yours and your family. You see, i live in a VERY homophobic country and it is a VERY catholic country as well, so in this matter of choosing between keeping your family and friends, and being able to be ourselves and love and to be loved… we are just losing this war against the believes that we were not made by God… Yes, i know: awful. I found it to be funny how, when asked, everybody says that God IS indeed perfect… but he made a mistake when he made me. That answer doesn’t even make sense, but they don’t seem to understand God at all. They use it to justify their fears, the wars, the segregation… the hatred, the unlove sons. People seem to be looking for God too hard lately, i guess there are too many questions about this modern times, but the more they look, the more further away they seem to get from Him because -i think- nobody wants to acknowledge that after 2000 years and a very tragic crucifixion we haven’t been able to defeat the pharisees… a whole new testament of Jesus fight against the injustice, the unequal, the hatred and the discrimination just for being different in color, religion or else… and nothing has change. You are different though. You and your family gave me hope. And i hope that this story -your story- helps parents understand how God is been trying so hard to tells us that we got it wrong… all wrong. We need to start listening to our hearts more carefully i think. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. You gave me the hope that i might actually get my mother back someday and that my partner might get her whole family back as well… God bless you… and please excuse my english. I don’t write in english very well.
L.V….Your English is beautiful. And so are YOU. What an incredibly insightful and WISE message.
Thank you for helping us, in America, to know how we can pray for you. We NEED your voice in this conversation!
I will be praying for you!! Please stay in touch!
Well, i am both glad and surprised that you thought my message was insightful and WISE, tried to read what i wrote to understand why you thought that but i coudn’t find my comment… Thank you for replying to my comment and, would you mind sending me a copy of it? My best wishes to you and your family.
You got it, friend!! I will!!
Linda: Christ has your family in the palm of his hand. Luckier for me, it was easier to accept.
Linda, did you read my post about Gay Christian Resource? It’s the page I created in 2010 and website to help people just like your son find courage and strength through Christ. I faced the same painful things your son did and wrestled with my faith and who I knew God created me to be so I started the page. I know you have had a lot of post since yesterday so maybe you missed mine. Hopefully it resonated with you and was not just ignored. If it can save just one persons life it’s worth it.
Also I have always run the page a s website anonymously so it’s not about trying to promote anything other than what stated.
Yes, it looks like a great resource, Justin! And I agree…if it can save one person’s life, it is DEFINITELY worth it!
Wow. Thank you Linda, that was heart wrenching. I am a 39 year old lesbian with a wife and 2 year old twins. I feel so terrible for parents who have such a hard time handling the gay child situation. I know it isn’t your fault, it’s how you were raised, and how the bible was interpreted to you. Thank God my father, although he is Catholic, gave me no trouble about it. My mother passed when I was 12. My wife’s mom even sings in the church choir, but Thank God again, she was great. Her father had also passed before I met her, so we only had two parents between us to pray “accepted” us. All of my older siblings, and her siblings are caring & accepting, as were all of our friends. Hopefully the world is changing, and the new norm really does include most people understanding that there is NO choice, only to choose the way God made us. I dated men until I was 21, so did my wife. It was what we were supposed to do, so we did it. Until we realized something wasn’t right! I experimented with tons of drugs between the ages of 17-25 most likely not just because of my moms death but because of my fear of my gay life. I do know that most of my gay male friends have told me that they “knew” sometimes by age 6 or 10. I believe there is homosexuality found in all species, why should we be different? We aren’t. Just please always remember that your son loved you no matter what, and he knew you loved him. And God loved him, he just made him different, like me. No matter where drugs took him, you were in his heart. And please don’t spend your days and nights wishing to get back those years you lost. You may kill yourself with your heartache. I hope that telling this story and hearing our stories helps you in some way. I can’t imagine your suffering. I never write to people like this, but I am compelled to tell you I hope you will be okay. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, hands down. I’m so sorry you have lost a son, but it appears you have gained a voice and a generation of people who may find comfort in hearing your tale no matter how hard it was to start telling, Thank You! Suzanne Keegan
I have read the articles, seen the videos, and can only think about how many others in the world there are like you and your husband. How unfortunate. Using religion to justify being cruel to your son because he was gay. You abandoned him. As though it was his choice. Shame on you for being so ignorant – for getting so much publicity and kudos now for your active participation in dealing with your own guilt – while you likely live in a denial that your son is dead – at least in part – because you abandoned him. I don’t celebrate you. You appear to be a parody. Shame shame shame on you. Do you really believe that Jesus and God would have abandoned your son? Live with your guilt. You are responsible for his death.
Jesus Christ NEVER abandoned our son. Not for a moment.
It sounds like you have a lot of pain…I wish you could have known Ryan, and the rest of our kids and family…all whom love God and seek to love everyone He created.
Linda, I have to clarify — in an earlier comment, I said, “We must have the courage to examine ourselves, to wrestle, to study, to seek… and, when necessary, to repent.” I realized, after hitting “send”, that in this context that may sound as though I meant the gay person needed to repent.
I actually meant the opposite. I fear that as Christians, we have portrayed God as condemning and disapproving of those who are gay… and have failed to do the only thing we are actually commanded to do: love God and love each other. And, I fear that we have actually prevented others from approaching the cross. Even if that has been from ignorance and with good intentions… still, what could be worse? I can only speak for myself rather than presuming to speak for all Christians — but it is my conviction before the Lord that I am the one in need of repentance and forgiveness.
Since I’m taking up space for a second reply — I just want to say thanks SO much to each courageous person who has shared your personal story here. It is impossible for you to understand what it means, but trust me when I tell you — it means the world. I’m riveted by the stories flowing out, and am so grateful.
Ryan’s story left me sobbing, as it was my story, too–the difference being, I survived. Thank you so much for sharing. Your courage and generosity are an inspiration. I am shaken to the core.
Mr. and Mrs. Robertson – thank you so much for sharing your story. I work as a school counselor in Bellevue and through the years several students have shared with me their fear of telling their parents they are gay. My heart breaks to hear about Ryan’s struggles and the void your family is left with. I can’t thank you enough for your bravery in sharing your story – I am certain it is not easy, but please know that there are many families that will be touched by your experience and it will help to guide them in their struggles as they encounter the news that their child is gay.
With deep regards, Debra
I cried. I thank you for your honesty. I am currently writing my book “Soul of The Phoenix’ and working on the chapter about coming out. It was 1972. I lost my family, my Catholic religion, and my society. But gained so much MORE. I learned of the spirituality of other spiritualities. Today I have a Yoruba Godmother, and KNOW the power of Native Spirituality’s. I have a large extended family. Unfortunately I buried a lot of therm because of AIDS. Thank you for seeing what you needed to do. Google my name I may love to quote you in my book?
Stephen Kovacev
rockovach@comcast.net
Aching for you…and I sent you a private message. 🙂
At 18 my son Michael left a letter taped to the TV (our way to communicate our plans before cell phones). We usually left just a sticky note so I knew that this was going to be more than “I will be at Beckys”. My heart was beating so hard, I thought that I was going to read that my son was not with me anymore, that I somehow did not see the pain he was in. When I read the letter telling me that he was gay and that if people loved him they would still love him because he was still Michael and the hell with the people that did not accept him. All that I could think was “Thank you God MY SON IS ALIVE!!! I can deal with Gay, I can’t deal with not having my son. There has always been just me and Michael. He is a wonderful 31 year old now and we have weathered a lot of storms together. We dealt with his first love ending (they are still very good friends). All parents of a child who is gay should thank the Lord that their child is alive and able to love. The alternative is not having them in your life through separation or never being able to hold them because they couldn’t face life anymore. I can’t imagine my life without Michael in it. He is thoughtful, funny, caring, gentle, the list of his positive qualities is endless. Every night before I go to sleep I thank God for another great day, even if it wasn’t so great. I am so sorry that Ryan is gone. In Heaven he has no pain anymore. God Bless Ryan and God Bless his parents.
Hi Timothy, my name is Lee and I am a new believer in Messiah Jesus. I read your comment, and felt that God wanted me to respond in love with a bible verse from the book of John; You may know John 3:16 {For God so loved the world that he gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will have everlasting life} John 3:17 is so beautiful, because it follows verse 16’s declaration of Gods LOVE, and in verse 17 it says that He came into the world to SAVE it not to judge or condemn it ! His Love is overwhelming, and told my heart that He wants to restore YOU to Him, no matter what ! He knows you are shaken to the core (been there myself -often!) and He wants to heal you from all of the hurt that you have been through in your lifetime. If you need anything, please e-mail me at ; the bubbleheads at yahoo dot com. Much Love, Lee ( a 51 year old mom) Love from Yeshua~Jesus , ALWAYS !
I am moved beyond words. I have one daughter whom I love just because she breathes. Thank you for helping me understand that. I know that the deep pain you feel by sharing such a personal journey will help countless others and is truly a gift to the world. Although I am not Christian, there is no doubt in my mind that you made Jesus very, very proud of you, your beautiful family and your adored son. Peace and love to you all. i wqish I could have met him.
So brave, mama. Such a hard story to tell. I admire your grace in speaking out. You could have chosen not to be the lesson to others, you could have clung stubbornly to your fear. But you didn’t. There are lots of other mamas who will read this today and change their ways. And there are lots of Ryans who live a different life now because of you. And even though I know you would give that all up to hug your son one more time, I hope this can be enough. Ryan is waiting for you with love and pride.
I am sorry, but I can’t listen to these people without their starting off by saying
“We killed our son through our ignorance, even though we lived in a metropolitan area that has plenty of opportunity and information to handle Gay kids”
— but I hope other parents change their ways after hearing them
It’s true, and they’re paying for it for the rest of their lives. Not sure what you expect past that.
I fully agree. These unspeakably awful parents took a 12 year old child –a child! –who trusted them, and in the the name of “God” or some such clap-trap, they told their son that his deepest beiing was totally loathsome, both to them and to their so-called “god,” — an imaginary spook who obviously couldn’t give a shit about them or their poor kid.,
Like any loving child, Ryan asbsorbed his parents’ message, which was basically, “you’re loathsome,” and after trying to change his sexuality –a notion as ludicrous as it is stupid– he finally took the necessary steps to kill the person that they found so loathsome –, and like many other gay teenageers, eventually suceeded. He was thus not only trusting, but an obedient son.
I am not gay, but I also had parents who told me that what I wanted to be and do was unacceptable; and I have suffered from their cruel, selfish judgment my whole life. But at least I HAVE a life.
These people are cold-blooded killers. And the fact that they killed ijn the name of “God” or some such BS is no more an excuse for murder (of a loving, innoicent 12 year old –who trusted them!) than it is for the Jidhadists, or the Inquisitors of 15th century Spain, or any other bunch of religious fanatics who kill in the name of The so called “Holy Spirit.” (BTW, who was it exactly that told them that God hates Gays?).
These people apparently live inTexas, which is the state in which we now see the entire government, in the name of this same “God”, pushing forward to enact a law that forbids a woman from controlling her own reproductive life. (I assume these “deeply religious” parents strongly support Rick Perry in this effort).Why we don’t just let all those Yahooos down there secede from our country!
I am staggered that hese parents would have the gall to tell their shaneful story in public — as if they are proud of it! They shoiuld be indicted and left to rot away the rest of their miserable lives in prison, for the murder of their son — who loved and trusted them.
Shame, shame, shame!
@Bob I think that this is an incredibly rude, cruel, and heartless comment to make after the bravery (solely for the sake of others) that this family displays in sharing what must be some of the hardest, ugliest, and most painful intimate details of their lives. They did not kill their child, a drug overdose did–and how appalling that you can be so callous about it on their own blog! Where are your manners? Where is your compassion? They don’t get their kid back from sharing their story, they don’t get to hug him, or love on him, or hold him. They get nothing in return for sharing about their struggle, except the maybe brief and slight ease of conscious in knowing that perhaps by sharing, someone else won’t have to relive the tragic details of their son’s story. Everything they did they clearly did it because they loved him and wanted what they thought would be best for him. As parents, you can only do what you think is the best and right thing at the time. That is bold and admirable and more than a lot of parents do for their offspring. This is a story of heartache and tragedy, and it’s being shared in hopes of a brighter future. It’s too bad you didn’t have something nicer to say.
Kristi, Your reply should be the new standard in how we should type our comments,, Kudos and great Job for being a Good person and choosing YOUR words so wisely:)
I entered a commewnt but it did not appear. WHY NOT?
Michael, if you entered a comment that was hateful, one of my adult kids, who have been helping me moderate this, might have removed it.
Well said, fullofgracedj. My thoughts exactly. Blessings and grace to you, Mo
As a gay guy who came out to mom when I was 17, I know how hard it can be for both child and parent. Mom did her best at accepting things but conceded that she always prayed I would change. Well that never happened, but she always “had my back.” I’m so sorry to hear how things turned out with your family, but you are making a difference … I applaud you!
On May 2nd 2010, my 20 year old sister passed away after “one last party” before she was to go into rehab for drug addiction. It would be her last time using drugs. Although my sister was not a lesbian, your story of your beautiful son reminded me so much of the trials and tribulations me and my family went through with Kaitlin. I wish I would have known of this conference since it was so close to our home. I hope if you share your story again, we are able to attend. I know the miracle of god because with his learning that with every death a new life is born, my daughter was born May 2nd 2012. Her due date was April 30th 2012. It was a bitter sweat day for my family.
Sara…I am so sorry about Kaitlin! What do you miss most about her? And how is your daughter? Yes, bittersweet. Exactly. Much love to you!
Linda, I was touched to tears by your story – thank you so much for having the courage to share it. My father struggled with depression and addiction, a battle that ultimately broke up our family. He committed suicide at the age of 39. He missed the chance to walk me down the isle, meet my wonderful niece and nephew, share in a beautiful life together. I wish I had the chance to tell him I loved him and needed him before he left us – he had so much to live for. While you’ll never know first-hand the depths of addiction that lured Ryan back that fateful night, he was cloaked in God’s love and mercy, I have no doubt.
Me, either. And Laura, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad! You have walked such a painful road…I can’t imagine. My love to you!
A true Christian would not stigmatize another person let alone one’s own child. So sorry that your son did not have the love he deserved.
I encourage you to read further, Elizabeth…though I doubt you’ll be back. What I observe is a mom and dad who acknowledged their own struggles with faith, sexuality, and unconditional love. Linda, while I’m sure you, with God’s continual support, have learned to share your story despite judgement or cruel comments — words still do hurt immensely. While I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, I know how difficult it can be to reconcile what you know if your heart to be right and the accepted truths within Christian doctrine. Thank you for being open, honest, and willing to stand up in the face of criticism. This blog is not only an act of love for your son, it’s a self-less act of love for all up us who read. God bless you and your family.
Amy…thank you SO much. As much as I try not to let the words hurt, it is so hard, because my mom’s heart is so tender and still full of sorrow for my mistakes. Thank you for getting that!
I think that is the whole stories’ point, is it not? Linda is saying that she feels awful for the way they handled their son coming out based on what they thought Christianity was and being guided by fear. They are educating others to NOT stigmatize and that God loves and creates. Yeesh, it isn’t that complicated to get that out of this story.
Linda, your son ABSOLUTELY had the love he deserved. Don’t let internet trolls hiding behind their computer screens take away from the relationship you had and still have with your precious son. I am so sorry for your loss.
Bless you, MomofOne, for also being a mom of GRACE. ❤ ❤
Deeply moved and grateful for sharing your sorrow and courage..- set my priorities right just in time!
When I was 23 I came out to my very catholic mom and for three months she wouldn’t talk to me, then she ended up in the hospital and wasn’t thought to make it. Her priest came to give her last rites and take her last confession and during this told my mom that she could not expect to gain glory in heaven because she threw away Gods gift to her. She changed her path and came to me in Gods love and light. We shared 7 wonderful months getting know each other and in Nov of 2002 my mother told me that she loved me unconditionally and to not let anyone tell me different. For many years I was were Ryan was and thankfully I had a wonderful support team of friends and heart family. I am truly sorry for your loss and grief. I hope that you know that Ryan knew of your love, addiction is cruel and takes life indiscriminately. I pray for your family. Thank you for loving him just because he breathed.
I grew up in the Assembly of God and Foursquare church. At 17 I had my first gay experience, scared to death yet thrilled. I moved to Seattle in 87 to attend college and came out at 20. I tried and tried to pray the gay away. I attended an Exodus affiliate in North Seattle. They told my dad it was his fault for not being the figure he should be. I was miserable. By 21 I had contracted the HIV virus. My life was a struggle for many years. I was able to reconcile my love of Christ with the gay man that I was by the early 90’s through an amazing christian group and church for the LGBT community, not MCC. Now at 46, my life is healthy, happy and my partner and I will have our wedding this year. Reading this blog Linda has been a painful reminder that this cycle has continued all these years. I praise God that you and your husband have found the love and grace of Christ in a new and powerful way. I will be praying for you and your good works. Thank you.
His parents and their religion directly caused his death. They must live with this. Religion is darkness.
I couldn’t agree with you more. This is exactly what I was thinking after I read this story. Religion is poison. It does WAY more harm than good in the world. Their son would still be alive if it weren’t for their belief in fairy tales. They might as well have put the needles in his arm for him.
Alan and Katie…I respect that you don’t share our faith, and that you feel that “religion” is dangerous. So do I.
But Ryan had a deep, loving relationship with God, and he KNEW God loved him. His faith – or ours – didn’t kill Ryan. Addiction did…and the fact that his friends waited over 36 hours after his overdose before calling 911.
Religion has caused us to do things we regret. But God Himself has been the greatest source of love, reconciliation, unity and peace in our family.
Wishing you both the best…
Katie and Alan, I respect your opinion regarding religion, but at the same time, you should respect this family and their beliefs. We are all humans and to say religion killed their son in not fair nor is it useful or helpful in this or any situation. I am a Christian and am proud to be one. I also respect everyone’s free will to chose whether they believe in God or not. His parents did the best they could when he came out to them. They did not shun him, nor say he was not a part of their family. They reminded him of his belief in God. Everyone makes mistakes. Period. Her son made the mistake of taking drugs this one last time and it took his life. Not religion. My heart goes out to this family as they struggle with the loss of their son daily and constantly ask themselves “what if…” I love all my children. Do I agree with everything they do. No. Do I express my concern. Yes. In the end, we all are given free will to live this life as we chose. I hope this family continues to encourage those parents going through this difficult situation as this story may help someone.
Please do not condemn all religion because of what these ignorant and fear-based people did to their son. Real Christians would not have treated their son whom they say they loved like that.
Does one have to never make a mistake in order to be a real Christian?
I am so thankful Ryan’s forgiveness, and God’s, have been so real in our lives.
Ah right, you’re a perfect example of Christianity? You just cast stones like everyone else. As a “real Christian” you felt it necessary to come on this board and condemn a family that has worked to overcome their own fears and misconceptions and chosen to put themselves out there about the worst thing any parent could imagine? Shame on you. Also, shame on people who have to troll on here to say religion is a terrible thing. What is the point? You could probably take a page of compassion from this family’s book.
As a gay person, who is not religious, I am truly inspired by the grace this family is sharing with the religious community. Their grace, though learned later than they would have desired, has the ability to make a difference in hundreds of families experiencing similar trials. People make mistakes. Truly good people actually acknowledge they are flawed and work be better people. Truly amazing people humbly admit to the world they are flawed and work to help others be better people too. Thank you, Robertson family, for sharing your story and your love.
S-way, Very nice response:)
Amen! So well said!! The hurtful comments being hurled at this mom and dad baffle me. By his own admission their son felt loved and proud to be their son. Through their own love for their son they have admitted what so many people have felt, have acknowledge the imperfections within their own actions and have devoted their lives to ensure that parents and families don’t have to struggle. Commendable and inspirational. I pray that the family continues to stay strong despite adversity and I pray that those whose comments seek to condemn find healing, grace and peace.
Amy…EXACTLY our prayer!! Thank you for knowing and believing in our hearts!!
Amy said: The hurtful comments being hurled at this mom and dad baffle me.
Perhaps if you had been persecuted all your life by religious people, had your relationships torn apart and watched your religious family enjoy all the blessings they denied to you, you might have a few harsh words to say to this family too.
I think straight people really don’t get the unimaginable pain they’ve inflicted on gay people, because most of us have had to hide our lives from the world in order to avoid even more intentional cruelty.
When you say to someone, you will never find love in your life, you are condemning them to a life that no one in their right mind would want to live: a live without love, without intimacy, without deep connection to another human being. One of the first things god said in the bible is that it is not good for man to be alone.
Karen Lee, I am just curious….what would a “real” Christian have done? I am a real Christian and love my children. This mother & father told her son she loved him and did not shun him from the family, just asked him to consider his faith at the time. Your comment does not help Christianity, it only helps to further the bad reputation Christians are getting. They have done nothing wrong, the tragedy here is they lost their son. Calling them “ignorant and fear-based” is not what a “real” Christian would do in their time of sorrow.
I read this on Huffington Post and cried. I am bisexual, and come from a very strong Christian family who has been slow to except my lifestyle. I recently gave birth to a beautiful daughter, with my partner at my side. My parents have finally, almost 4 years, come around again and are in my life to be able to see their grand daughter. I don’t know and probably never will know, if my family truly accepts me for who I am. It lost a daughter 8 years ago to a birth defect so I understand your pain and loss with Ryan. God has reasons, ones we will never know while on Earth, as to why He brings our children to Heaven too soon. Your blogs are an inspiration to everyone who struggles with their sexuality, and those who don’t believe Gay and Christian can be together.
Tons of love to you, Jennifer!! Thanks for getting it…but I am so very sorry that you do. We parents who have lost children have a perspective that is good, but I sure wish we could have got it another way!
Linda and “Fireman Rob” 🙂 just browsing through the internet and came accross your story. We love you guys so much! and are so proud of your courage and strength. We have great memories with your family, and know that Ryan is at peace with the Lord. May all the memories you have of him always bring joy to your heart. He was such a bright and lovable kid. Tell everyone we said hello, and send our love!
Gia!! What a delight to see your name in the long list of pending comments!!
Thank you, dear friend, for your kind words. We’d sure appreciate your prayers…all of this is totally God’s doing…not what we were looking for…but we are trusting Him to provide a way to keep up with it all, and the courage to keep dealing with the hate coming from the extremes on both sides.
Please give our love to YOUR family, dear friend!! And thanks for remembering “Fireman Rob”…our friends’ young kids still call him that! 😀
Wow. That video was so heartbreaking and beautiful. All the more so because you are obviously such a loving family and the pictures that begin and end the video…just so sad for your loss. You did your best and I wish the outcome had been to give you all another chance. Thank you for sharing this and God bless you all.
This story made me sob. I am so sorry for your loss but am so glad you had time to just love your son because he breaths. While I do not share your faith, I do understand how difficult it is to change what you believed was the truth to meet the circumstances of your life. Your son was a very lucky man to have parents who loved him the way you obviously do.
The way that you put ‘just because he breathes’ reminds me of how my parents love me, so thank you for that understanding. I remember being absolutely terrified to tell my parents I was a lesbian and they just loved me, because I breath…
What a gift!! And I am thankful for you, just because you breathe!
Thank you for sharing your story and your faith. Your family’s journey and struggles, shared in this way, will make a difference in people’s lives. So many people’s children are grateful for your willingness to share your pain to help others.
This story hit me at my core. I also grew up in a very religious family. I knew they could never handle who I was. My parents went to their grave thinking I was their straight son. I also had many struggles with a God who created me this way, and yet I was told He could never love me. I am so THANKFUL that through much prayer God revealed Himself to me as my Creator, my Loving Parent, and my Salvation. He gave me assurance that I am the way He created me and He loves me as I am. I never had to go through the self-destruction. But my heart bleeds mightily for all those who do. When I think of the scores of lives who have been so badly damaged and sometimes destroyed because of intolerance by the religious right, it makes me cry. What a shame. What a loss !
We couldn’t agree more! That is exactly why we are sharing…so many people – kids and parents – are hurting and need to know that Jesus DOES love them!
I read and shared on Facebook your story and the letter from your husband to your son. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a very close female friend that I loved dearly in 10th grade. We spent the whole year together every day and many sleepovers. Then she moved away. During that year, I watched as she dated many admiring boys- going to dances, the movies, etc. She and her family were strong Christians that regularly attended services. But at night, she would wake from night terrors, sobbing and shaking and unable to speak about whatever horrors haunted her. Despite my coaxing and comforting and talking, I could never get her to divulge the secret she guarded so closely. I was convinced her father must have been molesting her each night, as it was the only thing I could reason out in my young mind. And so I spent every night with her that I could- she at my house, I at hers. I knew she was terrified that I would find out one day and hate her. I reassured to no avail. When she moved, I felt like I had been torn in two, also. I loved her. A full year after she was gone, she finally told me her secret: she was attracted to women. She was gay. I was so shocked and relieved at once. Shocked because it had truly never occurred to me. Relieved because I thought, “is that all?” Here I had thought something truly horrific had happened to my friend, or perhaps was continuing to happen to her. But that WAS all. She was a beautiful, intelligent, athletic, funny girl who was attracted to girls, not guys. To this day, when I think about the pain she went through, wishing herself away…it breaks my heart. No one chooses their sexuality, it is part of who you are. It makes me so sad to know that she felt unworthy of her parents’ love, God’s love, even her best friend’s love! over such a triviality. I am so glad you are telling this story. It would have saved a lot of heartbreak if her parents had read it. They reacted much like you and your husband, but thank God, eventually accepted her for who she is. She is still a good friend of mine. I try to share stories like yours to wake people up- to change their hearts. Bless you all for sharing yours.
And YOU for sharing YOURS! It is powerful!!
I am truly sorry for your loss I can’t imagine your pain. I have two daughters and love them both so deeply that is hurts sometimes. I cried watching your video and felt a true connection somehow.
We had a friend commit suicide because her family/twin couldn’t accept her for being a lesbian. She spent time with us during the Thanksgiving holiday because her family did not want her around. How is that even possible?! I guess people are worried about what people will think when what they should be doing is thinking about loving and supporting the family member that came out to them.
I’m not a religious person but do know the difference between right and wrong and the right thing is to accept everyone for who they are and to love unconditionally. Life is shot let’s live the best life we can and let others do the same.
My heart just BREAKS for your friend. She, and others like her, are why we can no longer stay silent!
Linda, you are very brave; thank you for sharing your story with all of us. My name is Ryan, I am 28 years old and have had the same struggle with my sexuality since I was a child. I figured out I was gay while I was in middle school and had a strong religious upbringing just like your son did. I kept my sexuality a secret until I was 23 years old. Although my parents and family are not supportive of me, I am happy to say that I have friends and cousins my age who are not judgmental and have helped me tremendously. I don’t want to detract from the purpose of this website any further, but thank you again for your bravery. I hope that those who comment on this blog have respect and see the importance of what you have accomplished. Take Care.
Wow.. I don’t think I’ve ever read such a completely honest and real story., Im sure they exist, but you could have covered up the details or ignored the facts like so many parents try to do. Jesus told us to follow his commandments, and above all love God and your neighbor, I TRULY believe that Ryan did just that, It’s all Jesus asked. For that I believe your son left your arms to be with God. Your story in Sooo many ways reminded me of my own., My mother was a Christian but also a nurse, to scare me she would say I would die of AIDS, That even if I used condoms, The virus would get through the latex and still infect me. Felling doomed I never used them., Was Extreamly disconnected with and partners because of fear I would “be found out” and in 2007 I was diagnosed with HIV.
Looking back I wish I’d had a parent who supported me., One who said to value myself and use protection. Now my only burden is not with being Gay, It’s forgiveness, This story really helped me. Thank you-
And YOUR story has really helped us, Jordan…it brought us both to tears. Bless you for “getting” our hearts and understanding why we are sharing.
Jordan, I am so very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I have often thought that the church is missing such a huge opportunity. If we welcomed our gay friends into the church, we would have older mentors who could give guidance to younger people who are coming to terms with their sexuality. I think especially for a gay man, ( and I am one) life is a mine-field of possible explosions if no one offers guidance and instruction how best to traverse the path. This is exactly what young gay people need — not rejection. So much has to be figured out on their own, while making mistakes and mis-judgements. It shouldn’t have to be this way. May God continue to guide you and draw you close. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Steve,
God never leaves me:-) It wasn’t until I really understood his love that I was able to understand my value. I believe most gay people know this better than most, it’s because of that love that I’m also able to understand the evil that exist, religion is usually used to destroy our joy and make us feel worthless and separated from love, I believe my experiences have made me who I am today… A better person, full of love for good and evil that exist.
When I first saw this article, I didn’t even want to read it. I was afraid it would make me angry because there are so many things that are so much harder to deal with than the sexuality of your child — hard drugs, for instance (really scary), or perhaps you notice your child is completely devoid of character, or grows up to be a hardened criminal, or a rapist, or a vicious, scary person — something truly heartbreaking, and staggering. What if they are cruel? Or mean? Or a narcissist or a psychopath? Gay? No big deal to me. I recall telling my son when he first started growing up that he could marry ANYONE — male OR female, I didn’t care what race, ethnicity, or anything else, he just could not EVER bring a Southern Baptist or a a religious fundamentalist of ANY denomination or religion, into my house. OR a Republican for that matter. That was where I would draw the line! (Sorry to my republican brothers and sisters).
Instead, your story broke my heart and made me cry. Some of life’s lessons are SO very hard to learn — and unbelievably painful. For you to realize, once he disappeared into the darkness, that IT DIDN’T MATTER and that you JUST LOVED HIM, the ONLY thing that really mattered or you needed to know. This all God ever wants from any of us. To love one another. Why is this so difficult? Because PEOPLE try to TELL YOU who God is and what God likes and does not like. I’ve read the bible, studied the bible, listened to preachers and priests and evangelists and they ALL infuriate me. It’s always that they elevate some OTHER sin to an abomination just because they aren’t guilty of it, while being hideously guilty of so much more, including attempting to convince us that somehow, we are a MISTAKE. …. I stopped listening to them and learned to listen to myself. Learned to keep it simple — God IS love, period. That’s all I need to know. And if I want to please God, I love. And in the end, your son Ryan knew you accepted and loved him, and he learned to accept and love himself. The story came full circle and without this unhappy ending, maybe there wouldn’t be this work for you to do now — to honor your son, and love him, just because he breathed, and to tell others your story. My heart breaks for you, but I applaud the lessons you have learned and the growth that has taken place and the help you will provide those who are going through the same thing. Your story also reminded me of MY addiction and how terrifying it must have been for my parents. I thank God every single day that I GOT IT that I was powerless, and that God restored me to sanity. I know now that if I should choose to go out there again, I might not be able to find my way back and it isn’t worth it. Of this much, I am certain. It’s been 31 years for me and my parents got to watch me sober up, become a mother, a foster mother and successful and happy in life. I never really thought about the fear and pain they went through until I read your piece. I am so grateful they lived long enough to realize I would breathe too. Your hearts are open. Let God lead you where he will. Your work here isn’t done. Ryan’s was.
OH MY GOSH. My husband is crying/laughing, because you just said exactly what he has been hearing from Jesus. BLESS YOU!! God just spoke to us through YOU.
God and me are on pretty good terms. I don’t go to church, don’t study the bible, don’t BELIEVE much of what I have read in the bible because some of the stories just freak me out, AND confuse me, so I just focus on the parts I like — Love one another, especially. I’ll be working on that alone for the rest of my life because there ARE people I do not like. Gays are not among them. I’ve never met a gay or lesbian that I didn’t like. They are fun and funny. They are almost always REALLY smart. They have struggled just to be who they are. I will NOT add to their struggle. I will NOT make them feel less than. I have no right to do so. And certainly no reason.
I lost my only brother almost a year ago to cancer. He struggled his whole life trying to be understood and to be accepted and to just be a “good man.” He wasn’t gay, he wasn’t an addict, he was just a man who struggled his way through life, always trying to be a better man. When he got sick, the outpouring of love of his many, MANY friends astounded me. And him. He WAS understood, he WAS accepted and he WAS a good man, all along……he just didn’t know the impact he had on others who struggled, until he got sick and people TOLD HIM the difference he had made in their lives. He was a singer/songwriter and also wrote a song (thousands actually), and gathered his friends together to produce a CD to raise money to rebuild an orphanage in Haiti. It was completed before he died. Before he died, he made a video to his friends and family and said: “there are angels among us and they are us.” Truer words were never spoken.
His name is Saylor White. The song is Shoulder to the Stone. You can listen to it on U-tube (you tube?). It is quite uplifting.
Sometimes we feel broken
by nature or by man
and we need the strength and comfort
of a soothing human hand.
We should not look for reasons
or things that can’t be known
we come to you and offer
some help to move this stone
just so you know
you’re not alone….
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. I truly can’t find the words to express the feeling that I feel. This story touches me in so many different aspects of elements of my life, past, present and I hope not future. My family didn’t accept my sexuality at first and then they did and they truly love me but sometimes the self hate of my sexuality is still there. All I can say is thank you so much for sharing and I am sorry for the loss but know how much your story can help those.
Dre
Dre, it is never in our best interests to hate ourselves. That accomplishes absolutely nothing. In fact, it impedes your growth and your purpose in life sits waiting for you to answer the call. As far as I can tell, we have one shot at life. Don’t waste it. I have no idea why some people are straight and others are gay, but no one can ever convince me it is a choice, no matter what they say or how they say it or what they use to back up their “theory.” They are making you the scapegoat for everything in THEIR lives they are ashamed of, for whatever reason OR alternatively, they are saying, “at least I’m not GAY!!!” That’s a cop out on their part and buying what they are selling is a cop out on yours. This thinking has destroyed thousands upon thousands of lives because someone TOLD YOU that you were not acceptable and you bought it. Let’s try something else: You were born to be who you are. Be the best you that you can be and that starts with cutting yourself some slack and embracing the person you are. Otherwise, you are tossing out the days, weeks, months and years of your life that you will never get back and then you’ll just be mad at yourself for THAT when you finally learn to accept yourself.
We are coming up on our first anniversary of “Our Beautiful Boy’s” death on July 21, 2013. Sadly on the day Christopher Ryan Painter was born…before he took his first breath…he was addicted to the same drug that took his last breath and his life. He was number 6 of our 7 children. His biological mother struggled with drug addiction and died way too early as well. I ALWAYS told my 3 adopted children that their parents loved them but could not take care of them because the drugs were too powerful. He struggled his Whole life with anger, depression, abandonment, severe ad/hd, learning disabilities and a low self esteem because he didn’t understand why life was so hard, even though his decisions made life even harder. I told him EVERYDAY that I loved him, and I told him how much God loved him as well. Like you I look back and wonder, if I knew then what I know now would things have turned out differently. But that would have been my plan, and only God’s plan is perfect. I KNOW God scooped my beautiful boy up and carried him home as soon as Christopher Ryan’s eyes were closed they were open to a love he could not accept here and now we learn lessons from his life and his death. God is merciful, and his Grace is sufficient. Our beautiful granddaughter Lorelei “Ryan” was born exactly 9 months after Christopher’s death. Our family knows true heartache…and as well, we have received blessings beyond measure. Thank you for sharing your story…The loss of a child is something that cannot be compared to any other experience in life. We also have a gay daughter, and this story has helped me with the questions of her eternal life. God knows our hearts and of all the 3…. Faith, Hope and Love…Love is the only thing we need to know. It is the Gift God gave us….to give away everyday.
Amen and Amen! What do you miss most about Christopher Ryan, dear friend?? Your heart must be aching as you approach this first anniversary. And yes, the joys and grace are as deep and wide as the sorrow. Like you, we know that His grace is sufficient – in the middle of the DARKEST day.
I’m sorry. But I have no pity for you.
You served an invisible being and followed this being’s rules and shunned your own tangible flesh and blood because of this invisible being’s demands, written out in a multi-thousand-year-old book imperfect book of telephone.
You are not sure that God exists. No one is sure that God exists. You alienated your child for a reason tantamount to masturbation — your own faith.
I feel sorry for him but not for you. This is a truly tragic circumstance. Do all you want after his death. But it will not make up for your stupidity. If you had seen him as a human and not a child of your Christian God, maybe he would still be alive.
Again, please don’t condemn all Christians for these people’s ignorance and closed-mindedness. They’re paying dearly for it now.
To Anonymous: May you also experience God’s Grace at some point in your life. Then you too, can pass that grace onto others.
I don’t want to experience God’s Grace if it will make my future son kill himself.
What does “God’s Grace” mean exactly, anyway? Loving someone unconditionally? Truly understanding who they are and loving them despite their choices and flaws? Being thankful merely for their existence? Because I have already done that with my husband, father, mother, and other family and friends. I don’t have children yet but you can bet I will feel the same for them. All without the help of a Bible.
At least I can see clearly out of the windows of my glass house.
I don’t condemn Christianity because of these people’s actions. In fact, I think these people tried their best to reconcile parental guidance and their faith. I condemn Christianty for Many Many other reasons. This event is merely a symptom of the horrors that religion inflicts upon the world.
You live in a glass house “Anonymous” and throw stones with words, Breaking down Ryan’s parents with your lack of sympothy for their honesty, they have at least come to terms., you my friend are still using them to hurt. It’s you who needs pity, they need forgiveness. Love is invisible, but I know I can feel it. Hate is invisible but I know I feel it, (even without words) This is how we have faith in something. Not because we see it, but because we feel it. Even without god you should practice words of kindness or silence if you cannot.
They don’t need my forgiveness. I lack sympathy because I don’t understand how “God” can come before one’s own child. She even said it herself, when Ryan was using and spiraling out of control, God was first on their minds.
My aunt tried to pray away my cousin’s sickness several years ago. He was 14 and had an acute onset of diabetic ketoacidosis. They waited 3 days to take him to the hospital, all the while asking God to heal him. He died.
Dangerous, lethal things happen when you replace coherent thought with religion.
Anonymous, I am sorry for your loss. I don’t know you, but I can tell you struggle with the same things we all do, only in different circumstances. What happened to your cousin and Ryan and most of the world (straight, gay or whatever) are tragedies. Like you I have no children, also I agree “religion” can do more harm than good, Jesus actually taught and lived with the fabric of what most people would call sinners, He warned against judging others, he taught us (me) to love, understand and most of all to forgive., Like I said in my original comment, I not they, not the ones who have hurt me, cause ME to carry a burden, not them. Jesus said, let this go. Forgive… (Thier story just reminded me of this) There is such a release when you love , Forgive and Understand. You don’t need to even believe in any God to do that., Im sure when you do have children though, you will be a good parent, because like you said, you will love no matter what. The only thing we do disagree on is that I believe when you know better, you do better. Ryan’s parents are being brutally honest. They know better. To write this story from their own tragity says to me they now do better. We are all strangers here, but no strangers to pain in some way we’ve all been hurt at least once. It does no good at all to blame or carry the burden of unforgiveness for either ourself, Loved ones or strangers:-)
Very well said, JJ. I too have learned the freedom of forgiveness. Refusing to forgive only hurts yourself.
Linda,
I watched this story and fought back tears! I am in a situation similar to your sons, I have some stressful things coming up in my life and this story/video has helped me feel a lot better.
I believe in God and Jesus and will push through, thanks for sharing this!
Derek
I can honestly say I am a Ryan but my story is different. I have a loving supporting family. Even my grandfather is supporting which was the most worry. I come from a hardcore Catholic family and I have choose not to have a religion nor a church to know God is great and loves all. Jesus died for all our sins. I am not sorry for who I love or how God made me. He loves me and this I know. This story is a weepy one but needs to be out there. I know many friends that have had this issue. None have OD or took their life. But too many do. Thank you for reaching out and shedding the light on this very important issue. Godspeed
Ryan in Ohio
Thank you for your amazing story. My sister is gay and has been with her partner for 26 years. I remember being scared when she came out to me when I was 13. She is 11 years older and it was the mid 80’s and still a taboo topic. I joined PFLAG and learned so much and embraced her and her partner. I have to admit though, as a mother of four, the fear of one of my children coming to me and saying He/She is Gay scares me. Not because of my faith, or because I would love them less. (I never could) This is still a crazy world, and there still needs to be so much change. I would be scared for them. I want my kids to embrace who they are, but I want the world to embrace my kids too. I would want to see them Marry, (If they choose) I would want to see them not be hated because of who they are. There is so much hate in this world, and so many people that hate in the name of God.
I know I cannot expect all the haters to change, but I pray for it. I read your story and see your beautiful son and I am grateful. Because of this story, your story, I see God’s work, and I know change is coming. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.