2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”

1. I had so many mixed emotions while reading this. First & foremost, anger. Before I continue, I want to add that I am agnostic… Somewhere between agnostic atheism & agnostic theism. So, to continue, I was so, so angry that anyone could let religion come between them & their family. But as I continued to read, the anger subsided & I was overwhelmed by sadness & my empathy kicked in. As someone that was not brought up in a religious household, I can only imagine how it would have felt for you, as well as for Ryan. At first I wanted to rant about how religion clouds perspective… But what for? That’s just the opinion of one, & it is not constructive. I’m sure everything you have gone through has done a lot to your perspectives on a great many things, & I think it is very commendable that you are sharing this with the world. I hope that it reaches many, as I know that situations like this are not at all uncommon. All religions & sexual preferences aside, I can only hope for acceptance & respect for all views in all walks of life. There are many lessons that can be learned from this.

   Most of all, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.
   ❤

   • Wow, Anon…not THAT is the kind of “angry” message I can read. Thank you for being such an example of really listening and hearing our story…and for acknowledging that this is not about us…but about trying to help others avoid the mistakes we made. Your words are a gift!

2. Through a friend I read the huffington post article about your family. As a gay man who grew up very similarly to your son, who still has issues sounding my own faith and my family. I wanted to take a moment to say thank you for sharing your story and how I wish there where more folks out there like you to help change the viewpoints of those that truly believe we should be something other than what we where born to be.

   I honestly don’t know what else to say but your story moved me and just wanted to drop a line.

   Jon Allbie

3. Hey Linda… I believe I was one of the first to post… and I checked the box to get copies of all comments. Wow… my INBOX has been jammed! No complaints. I just had to let you know (looks to me like you are reading them all) that I’m aware that you have touched a nerve… this thing is going VIRAL. Hundreds and hundreds. You must be exhausted.

   Carolyn and I are praying for you as you read and reply… that you will be protected… and remain strong. That you and Rob will find enough rest to stay healthy. And that you will understand how deeply profound your message of grace and love is to so many… and that Ryan’s life is having a powerful impact – shattering categories, breaking through prejudice and stereotypes, blasting away ruble, healing open wounds, giving grieving parents permission to love and embrace their children in ways they might not have before you two took the microphone at the Exodus conference. All that and much more. We are standing with you.

   Most sincerely, Ken

4. To Ryan’s Parents: I am so moved by your story and willingness to share it with others who may also be afraid of accepting something or someone who is different. I hope and pray that Ryan’s legacy will touch the lives of those left behind on this planet who are trying to come to terms with God and the Bible. I don’t know much about the Bible except that it is the word of God interpreted and written by men — mortal men–and in their translation, I’m sure they hoped to capture the message that God intended but once again, we are not perfect — just mortals. One simple truth I do know is that God is love and love is God and your story about Ryan is the most perfect example of that simple truth. God has a mission for all of us and I think that you both have found your mission — to go out and tell and retell Ryan’s story to the masses. I’m almost certain that God would want you to do that so that Ryan’s life & death would not have gone unnoticed and so that we can all learn something from this tragedy. May God bless you both in your mission for I know that reliving Ryan’s story cannot be an easy one but please know that even if only one life is spared, it is a very worthy & important mission. Ryan is very proud of his parents — I’m certain of that! Thanks again for sharing his story.

   • This comment is not actually in response to Bev G. I could not find where to compose an original comment, and for that I apologize. But the reason I wanted to post here in your comments is to let you know how deeply I agree with your stance. I am the mother of two young boys, and I want them to know that, when the time comes that they start thinking about their own sexuality and orientation, I want to be there for them. As an advocate, a listening ear, a source of information, a liaison to information I know nothing of, a loving and accepting Christ-like guide, an example of humility and service, a volunteer, a giver to charity, a follower of Christ, and the list goes on. But my most basic hope for my children is that they see Christ Jesus in our home, actions, thoughts and words. “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.” – John 15:12

     I believe wholeheartedly that people are born with their sexual orientation already in place. I believe this is God’s design. Recently I had a conversation with my mother where, after much discussion, she decided that yes, people may be born gay. But sadly this conversation sent tensions flying. Yes she could believe people are born gay- but this is because of original sin and the fall of man. She holds to the belief that we are all born sinners, inherently seeking out evil. Adam and Eve cursed all of humanity, so we come out of the womb sinful. I love my mother, but I’m sorry, that is nonsense. And I am not just throwing my opinion out there willy nilly. Check out the following verse:

     Psalm 139:13-16
     New International Version (NIV)
     13 For you created my inmost being;
     you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
     14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
     your works are wonderful,
     I know that full well.
     15 My frame was not hidden from you
     when I was made in the secret place,
     when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
     16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
     all the days ordained for me were written in your book
     before one of them came to be.

     God is there- in the womb- when a life comes into being. LGBTQ people were born. My mom says that maybe they were born that way, but it’s because of the downfall of Adam and Eve, that we are all born into sin, so for that reason they are born LGBTQ. Then why is God there, in every conception? God makes no mistakes. See Deuteronomy 32:4
     He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
     and all his ways are just.
     A faithful God who does no wrong,
     upright and just is he.

     Ryan was fearfully and wonderfully made by a Creator who makes no mistakes. He was created and was born just as Christ Jesus planned. Christ never stopped loving and seeking him. It seems that Ryan was able to come to a partial healing with Christ before he passed. Linda and Rob, I hope you can take comfort in the above verses, and know that Ryan was part of Christ’s perfect plan. And not only that, but he is in heaven rejoicing and worshiping with his Creator and Lord right along side of the angels.
     I know he is rejoicing in Heaven over your ministry.

     Linda and Rob,
     Your testimony and witness are so truly powerful. It’s quite obvious how much you loved your son, and how much you sacrificed for him. You are truly parents to be admired. Much love and prayers for you both from Washington State.

     • Psalm 139:13-16 has nothing to do with anybody being a homosexual. The author is praising God for his ability to create him in the finest details. He is not saying that people are born gay.

5. I read your family’s story today, and it made me cry. You have such a beautiful and loving family, and your son was beautiful inside and out. It’s a shame that he died so young, and I’m sure you will feel his loss in some way every day. Still, you and your family should not live with guilt or regret over actions and words said to him during his years struggling with his sexual orientation and addictions. Unfortunately, we all make mistakes because we are fallible human beings. Even despite our best efforts, no person or family is immune from making those mistakes even when acting with the best of intentions. We all struggle (some more than others), and despite any contributions you may feel your family made to Ryan’s choices, some of his struggles were uniquely his own. I’m sure he did not blame you for all of his difficulties, and he probably also knew that you all regretted things you may have said or done, just as he probably regretted things he had said and done.

   It is unfortunate that Ryan strayed into drugs and self-destructive behaviors, but he also pulled himself back out and continued to work towards a better life. You may feel that your words and actions contributed to his self-loathing and destructive behaviors, but they also contributed to his strength and character and love. Your son’s circumstances helped your family work towards better lives for yourselves and each other. How fortunate you all were to have time to start to make amends with yourselves and each other before your son passed away. When I looked at this story and Ryan’s photos, I do not see your son as the sum of his troubles and missteps. Instead, he was the sum of the little moments of courage that kept him moving towards working out his sexuality, his spirituality, his foibles and his relationships with all of you–even on days when he may not have realized the spark was there. When I read his story and saw his pictures, I did not see a broken-hearted drug addict trying to pray his sexual orientation away. Instead, I saw a handsome man smiling with the joy and love that all of you brought to him throughout his life.

   • Jaimie, your words are a gift. Thank you for seeing the REAL Ryan!! Our beautiful boy!

     • “Reprogramming” is now illegal in many states. Jesus Christ said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Clearly, you did not ascribe to this when it came to the acceptance of your son. Where was Jesus’ love that you were supposed to be giving your son? He died a hero. No thanks to you.

       • Sandrine, though we never tried to “reprogram” Ryan, you are right, we didn’t fully love and accept him when he first came out to us. That is what we are trying to share. But God taught us so much and Ryan taught us so much. We don’t agree with reparative therapy, and think it is harmful. But most of all, it was JESUS who told us to love our gay son without conditions, and Ryan died knowing that he was loved, FULLY, just as God created him, by us, by his siblings, his uncles, his grandparents, many of his friends, and most importantly, His Lord and Savior.

     • I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom losing one of my boys. My oldest just turned 12 yesterday. About a month ago, I had a little talk with him about sexual preference. I let him know, that no matter what gender he is attracted to, it was okay with his dad and me. With all the children out there being bullied for their sexual identity and taking their lives, I wanted my son to know, that NOTHING in this world is bad enough to take his life. We love our children and want them to grow up being confident, smart, kind, giving people and have families of their own, if they wish. I am not a Christian, but I do believe in God. I believe God makes us the way we are for a reason. I believe your son Ryan was perfectly made and put here to teach us all that not everything you read in a Holy book is always true, but you can still be loved by God. I cannot even find the words to express how sorry I am for your great loss. May your heart hurt less everyday.

   • people dont understand anyone who is gay are born this way why cant people understand do you think they want to be this way no. they dont its just a part of life like i said they were born this way so god bless you ryan rip.GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE

     • I agree with you and your comments. Ryan was born this way, and through this story and pics, I see the wonderful man he was becoming. It is so easy to focus on the problems and tragedies and lose sight of all of the amazing things he got right in his brief life. He was a blessing to those who knew and loved him in life, and now he is a blessing to those who know his story.

       My comments towards his family are because I sense the love, pain and regret they have. Love of a child and fear for that child are powerful things and can sometimes make well-meaning people make decisions that were bad, in hindsight. Ryan’s parents did what they thought best at the time–perhaps motivated at times by religious and internal fears personal to them, at others motivated by a fear to protect Ryan from the hurt and hardship they perceived his sexual orientation would bring to him. They likely will always have that “what if” in the backs of their minds over the thousands of interactions they had with their son. They are opening themselves up to criticism, anger and pain by exposing their fears and flaws as parents and people and the ways they believe they let down their son over the years. We are all complex creatures and I have no doubt the grief is genuine, they would trade places with Ryan in a second to have him life a full life and would do so much over again if they could.

       I agree with you that many people don’t understand sexual orientation, and the Robertsons acknowledge they came to some of these lessons the hard way. I just think that if we all focus on the negative of his circumstances, we dishonor Ryan and his life. Even as Ryan struggled with himself and his faith and sexuality and addictions, he was a gift to those who knew him and, hopefully, saw the gift he was to himself. Even as his parents made misguided choices at times, they also helped to create and shape this beautiful man with all of his strengths and flaws who has touched all of our hearts.

       Just as Ryan stumbled while he was evolving in his efforts to create a full life, so too did his parents. So too shall we all, and hopefully we can save ourselves from the big stumbles as much as we can.

       Thank you so much for sharing your son with us. I know I will never know him and am a stranger to you all, but Ryan has touched me deeply. I feel him in my heart.

       • What gracious, wise and understanding words…words that make me want to continue to be open to seeing my “blind spots” and to allowing God to refine me. THAT is true encouragement! Thank you…and thank you for so beautifully honoring Ryan…in his life and in his death.

6. I know my situatioin is not the same, but your story touched me. My heart breaks for you. My daughter passed away from SIDS in Jan. and while our situations are different, no parent should have to bury their child. I firmly believe in God and heaven. I pray that your son and my little baby girl find each other hand heaven, and keep each other company until we can join them again. God bless you and your family.

   • Miranda…my heart ACHES for you. Two of my closest friends have lost infants, and the pain is unfathomable. Your grief is so fresh…I wish I could just hug you. Praying for you, my friend!

7. i am not christian nor have i ever held negative views toward a person based on their sexuality, race or religion..however, i took the time to read your story on the huffington post and could barely stop crying long enough to read it to my husband,who also was moved to tears..your eloquent and honest verbiage, your love for your God, and immense love for your son comes across loud and clear..and the fact is, that the issue of religious views vs sexuality applies with so many other parenting issues as well so that any parent can relate..as parents, we want what is best for our children based on the morals and norms we were brought up in and when they veer off of the path that we were sure would bring them to happiness, it hurts and we feel rejected, and we try our best to get them back on the right road..but what my husband and i have learned, (he is a christian by the way, not that it matters in our love for our children) is that we need to pay attention to stories like yours that remind us of how lucky we are, as imperfect parents, to have in our lives, our imperfect children! …thank you for reminding us to not worry so much about whether the bed is made properly, or that they switched majors in college one time too many..not getting so upset when the car we gave them hasnt been clean in months or they havent sent out resumes for internships we know they’ll need..thank you for reminding us to be happy, JUST BECAUSE THEY BREATHE..please know that today, your pain and love reached out across religions and races and sexual orientation to influence two other parents to pause and be grateful…and though i am not a christian, even i know that Jesus Christ would be proud of you and surely holds your son in his care…blessings for your bravery..peace be with you always…

8. What a beautiful boy. The entire planet feels the loss of him….thank you for sharing this story with everyone. It will create countless good and loving words and actions in the world..I think your son is very proud of you. Michelle. Forest lake mn. US

9. I read your story today… Remembering my own struggle to reconcile my “catholic faith” and my sexual identity. I read your words and can only say where ever Ryan is today… He is sooooo proud of you and your husband. I bet he knows how lucky he is to be your son. I am the youngest of 16 siblings in a lation culture. By the grace of God there goes I. Today I face my 50th birthday next year… and I am so happy to have read your story. Not happy how it turned out but how happy I am for you with the terrible gifts you received, your not angry or filled with hate. Peace always.

10. Ryan’s story and your family’s story is profound. It touched my soul. Thank you for sharing.

11. I would like to thank you for sharing your story. As a Christian, I can relate to the mixed feelings you had concerning your son. How do you reconcile the Bible with the Grace of God in this situation? I have a daughter of the heart who is a lesbian (not biological – but someone I have known most of her life and love as my own daughters). I helped lead this young woman to Christ. She loves the Lord and is, in fact, a minister. After years of trying to live a straight life – marrying, children, etc., she “came out” (although we never discussed it face to face). She has since married another young woman and they are raising her daughters together. I still love her very much, but I struggle with this. I know God is a God of Love and Grace and loves us unconditionally. I know even if homosexuality is a sin, to God one sin is no different than another. I also know Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor as our self. My prayer is to gain understanding and peace about this. I don’t believe it was an accident that I learned about your blog. Hopefully, it will be an instrument in helping me to come to terms with my feelings.

    • Rhonda…you are asking GOOD questions. The first thing I would say is this: LISTEN TO JESUS. He’ll give you wisdom and guidance. If you feel led to find answers from scripture, I’d recommend two books, both by men who love Jesus and His Word, but who have come to different conclusions (and they are friends). One is Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill, and the other is Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gay-vs-Christian Debate by Justin Lee. I think, most importantly, they will help you understand more deeply the journey and struggles that gay Christians go through, as well as sharing their thoughts on what the Bible teaches. I have found both of them extremely enlightening…and recommend them all the time. Too bad I don’t get a kickback every time I’ve recommended or given away Torn – it would help pay off our college loans! 🙂

      Rhonda…Keep loving your precious girl. You are both on a journey. And what helped me most was LISTENING to Ryan…to other gay friends…and really hearing their stories. Their stories TRANSFORMED us, by God’s grace. Much love to you!

12. wow! what an amazing story!. I can relate to so much of the things Ryan went through. You are wonderful parents! I wish i could meet you one day and just hug you both and tell you how amazing you are!

    After struggling for more than 20 years with reconciling the fact that i was gay with my christian beliefs, i finally accepted at the age of 38 that God is not going to change me – he made me gay and he is happy with me just as I am. I realized that Gods will for my life is bigger than my own will for my life and if he has a plan for my life he will not let me stand in the way of it. That nothing i have done or ever do will separate me from God. I am his son and he will never let me go.

    Your story has made me realize just how much I have missed of the normal things a young kid experience – that first kiss, falling in love etc. ALSO how much i still live in the fear you are talking about MYSELF. I realize how much i still hate my own sexuality – AND myself for that matter. You have actually given me words for the some of the things i was thinking but couldn’t put into words myself.

13. May I say that your story is important to EVERY parent, not just those of a gay or lesbian child. The point is that, in our zeal to raise happy, “successful” children, we often tend to impose our own desires and plans on them. Whether it is rooted in religion or anything else, we can all too easily find ourselves trying to live their lives for them. Yes, of course we love them, but we must let them go and become “themselves”, trusting that we have raised them with the right values to make good decisions for themselves. Your story touched me deeply, and it will help me sort of let go as my son heads off to college far away from me this summer. He will always have my unconditional love! Thank you for sharing your love.

14. Hi Linda, your story is very inspiring. As a gay son myself, I can really relate to the experience. There’s a lot of deep wisdom to be learned here, and I’m happy that you found the courage to share your story, amidst the sea of prejudice that permeates our society, no matter which corner of the earth you’re from. I truly believe that your story will touch and reach others, as it did me. THANK YOU. 🙂

    I’ve always believed that God makes no mistakes. He intended for us to be the best we can be, the way He created us. 🙂

15. Dear Linda, I have watched your video several times. I am a 48 y/o gay man addicted to alcohol. I became addicted intentionally. I have no excuses. When I came out to my parents around 2001, they seemed to love me even more, especially Mom. I am not religious and am liberal, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve had a boyfriend since 1996 who still adores me, even though I’ve cheated on him countless times. When I look at myself, I only see just kind of a weirdo. Mom is gone now. I really don’t have a point to all this, except to say that you and your husband may help more young gay people, in their own minds, than anything else.
    Love, DC Ryan

    • 🙂 I love your “pointless” message…it was a great encouragement! Thank you!

    • Dan, As the mom of a bi-sexual daughter and the younger sister of an alcoholic, I will keep you in my heart. I hope you do not mind – I want to pray for you. Pray that you will be able to live free of your alcohol addiction (when you are ready) – pray that you will be able to see yourself not as a weirdo but as a wonderful person – loved by his parents and his boyfriend – and many others, I am sure. I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I lost my dad 15 years ago and I still miss him every day. My thoughts are with you in your journey!

16. Thank you for confirming my hopes that I can love and support my gay son and be a God loving, Bible believing Christian at the same time. My situation is similar to yours up to the point that Ryan disappeared for awhile. I struggle with what the Bible says about homosexuality and with how I feel in my heart about my son. Every time same sex marriage is debated in the news, I cringe when people I know and care about express disgust or outrage at homosexuality, these are people who claim to be Christians.
    I needed to read your story tonight, the timing was perfect. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • Lisa…and I need YOUR story! Have you read Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate by Justin Lee?? It is SO good…and so thought-provoking. Also, follow Rachel Held Evan’s blog…she is such an encouragement! I am praying for you, Lisa! Stay in touch!

    • Lisa, I’m right where you are! I want to love my son well and there are days I think I can do it with God’s help. Then, the fear comes in and I think how will I ever be able to deal with his boyfriend coming to visit. I too cringe when “christians” around me speak in hostile terms of gays. Inside, my heart is breaking and I want to just scream….”you’re hurting me because you’re talking about my son!” When our son comes home the last people that I want him to be with is some of our Christian friends. I think about it every day and have thought about it every day for 4 years–since he came out to us. Oh Lord give me the grace and wisdom to walk this path that is so much harder than anything I ever anticipated having to walk. Lisa, I will pray for you and your son that your relationship with each other continues to grow and that he will see God’s love to him through your love. I don’t know you, but how I wish I did. I feel so alone in this journey. Thank you for sharing

      • Linda and Rob, Your statement that this isn’t a deal breaker is such an encouragement to me. That phrase is sticking with me. Thank you. Thank you. God IS bigger than this!

17. Thank you for having the courage and faith to share your story. I moved me more than you will ever know. Would you mind sharing a link on my Facebook page “Gay Christian Resource”. I once went through all of the same things your son did and that why I stated the Facebook page.

    Thank you and God bless you.

18. Dear Linda,
    I posted a comment earlier which was very respectful. I said I was sorry you’ll live with the guilt and shame of this all your life and pray for the day when all Christians understand that the guilt and shame they pile on gays belongs on them.
    If that is offensive to you, then you haven’t actually learned all of gods message to you. YOU created a demon your son could not bear. It is now your demon.
    As a gay man in his 40s I can assure you that it would take at least a decade after you said you accepted him for him to begin to believe it. You grossly unerestimate the harm you did. There is no way he believed you loved him when he died.

    • ^since you have now deleted it, I see I offended you. [ 2nd paragraph]

    • Trip, hate hurts the hater more than the hated. You’re clearly still hurt by whoever shunned you in the past but there’s no need to go out of your way to add pain to Ms. Robertson’s already wounded heart. She made mistakes, as we all do, and I think it was brave of her to share this very personal story in hopes that it might help others. Perhaps if other Christians had done the same before her then your own path would have been easier.

      • Jen, you are completely misreading. I posted a very kind and encouraging message earlier. She deleted it. I honestly believed she was trying to spread the word of what happened to her so that others will not damage their own children this way. If what I wrote was too offensive, then that must not be her motive here at all. She’s trying to live with a demon of her own creation. This is what I wrote. Is this worth deleting? :

        Misinterpreting God’s word to say that a mother should limit the love of her child in any way is completely unimaginable to me. For these are it’s very real consequences. I feel badly that you will never get over the guilt and shame of having done so. I pray for the day that all self-proclaimed Christians understand that the guilt and shame they pile on gay people belongs only and entirely on themselves. How many gay people must God create for everyone to understand that He wants them here?
        Neither God nor the Bible says any of the things you taught your innocent son they do. Your pastors are to blame for teaching you they do. I’m glad to see that you now accept the blame due you for believing them. Keep passing it on till the rest of your kind understand.

    • In reference to Trip’s post of July 23, 2013 qo 7:23 p.m.:

      Trip,

      You sound bitter, and I’m sure you feel it is justified……..but, I’m so, so sorry that you would waste life’s precious time and energy feeling that way. If you thought your previous (deleted, then reposted) post was helpful, your second post most certainly was NOT. Your comments at the end were downright cruel……the sort that serve to further hurt and harm people. I’m very sorry life’s cruelty to you has made it so hard for you to accept the unconditional love that could be yours. If you have not experienced the instantaneous and miraculous healing of unconditional love, that is sad, but it doesn’t mean all people have the same need to be convinced over and over, as you suggest. Some of us make ourselves more vulnerable and open to the possibilty of such amazing love and acceptace, and miraculously, it happens for us…….no minimum “ten year wait” as you suggest, in your theoretical model. But as a gay man now nearly 60, I can tell you that miracle is there for you, like it was for me as my Mom demonstrated to me how she came to accept me and my partner after her own year or two struggle with reconciling the issue of my gayness with her faith. What if I had rejected her, blamed her, constantly demanding more and more “proof?” Before she died last year, we had thirty years of wonderful family dinners, vacations, and countless events we shared…all with my partner and my sisters and their families. Yes, inner healing is a process, but you will never begin that journey until you make youself vulnerable and open to the cathartic and welcoming Spirit of uncondional love. Ryan’s parents are good and decent, in fact I would say exceptional people who spent the last months of his life making him feel loved and accepted. We should all be so lucky to have those kinds of parents…people who learn to grow and be open when faced with life’s challenges. They deserve our support.

      As I see things, we are all on this earth together. This web site is a place for parents of gays, LGBT familes and loved ones to find love and acceptance in the context of their faith, where no one is condemned. We owe a debt of gratitude to Ryan and his parents for opening up their lives to us, in order to help all who struggle with these issues.

      • Correction to my previous post…the date of the post I was replying to was actually July 3, not 23 as typed. My appologies.

      • LIKE

19. Hi Linda, thank you for your courage to write Ryan’s story. It is obvious that you gave your son such confidence and love that he was able to be so honest and talk to you at age 12. You must be a great mother and that is an inspiration to me. We all as parents try to do our very best and if we had a crystal ball, I think we would succeed. I have struggled with the political conflict surrounding gay rights recently. I have gay friends, neighbors, clients and family members and I love them all, they are beautiful people. As a Christian, I have always believed that God created a man for a woman, no exception. And we are all sinners and God loves us, no exception. Ryan’s story helps me put into perspective the concepts that seem to be in conflict. I love how you said, “this is not a deal breaker, God is larger than this”. That sticks to me, it shines a light for me so I can see. We don’t have all the answers, but I think we don’t have to if we trust in God. You are truly blessed, thank you for sharing your blessings.

    • Your message just MADE our night! Just read it aloud to my husband and we high-fived for trusting our BIG God!! Those words were my husband’s…who would rather run into a burning building (he IS a firefighter) than speak in public. He loathes it. So for you to say, “That sticks to me, it shines a light for me so I can see” means so very much…You’ve reassured Rob that no matter how inadequate he may feel to write or speak in public, that GOD is doing the work for him!! BLESS YOU!!

      • Linda, I am so glad my note of affirmation helped you and Rob. This would not be an easy journey for anyone and I am grateful for your courage to tell your story. I hope you hear notes of encouragement more than you hear the opposite. Someone’s hateful comments may come from a place of hurt but know that God is always working on us through each other. Your witness will make a difference!

20. Thank you for sharing your story, Ms. Robertson. You honor your son’s memory with your words.

    There is a desperate need for this dialogue in the Christian community. Christ’s true teachings are of love and acceptance above all, and I hope your blog will help struggling parents understand that there is room in their hearts for both their Lord and their gay children.

    • I apologize for my typos. I was texting through the tears and didn’t proof read it first. The message remains essentially the same. Thanks again for the healing blog.

21. To Ryan’s parents: you do put yourself at great risk for expressing this piece of your family story (of which there are several rich and varied pieces as each family member is a beautiful part and you are all lifted up together as even more with the sum of your parts). There are those who would condemn others regardless of how they choose and there are those who are so angry and hurt they cannot do much different than carry that forward to others. So may we bless them and ourselves through God. What you have shared speaks to me deeply and the Bible is a Holy book and also, it is not Divine Love/God itself. God offers to every woman, man and child, to meet Divine Love just where that individual is at. God has so many ways unfathomable to us in our world of how to bring in Grace and to show us if we are willing to open ourselves to just where we are at to be in relationship with this Grace/Love. As we develop and age, our own true relationship with God/Grace is truly up to each one of us and not between
    anyone else but oneself. God and this Divine Love meets us right where we are at with who we are in each new day. You are brave, and I deeply hope that you feel Grace guiding you with each ongoing year of life. I believe your beautiful Ryan will always be radiating a loving light for you to remember who you truly are in God’s eyes with each step of your continued life path. Peace and Love, Kim

    • Kim…YOU are part of His GRACE to us…even in this very moment. Just read three VERY hateful messages…then came YOURS. GRACE. 🙂

22. I just want to say that I love you. We are all human beings. Even as expressions of God on Earth, we make mistakes. I, too, have suffered the loss of a child. There is no greater pain. If I could be right beside you this moment I would hug you. I can offer no words to ease your pain. I know there’s nothing that can take that away. I won’t even say that I know how you feel because grief and pain are keenly felt in different ways by each person. Just know that you are not alone. You are loved. May you and your family be continually blessed.
    I also just wanted to say thank you for reminding me just how very precious my children are. My 16 yr old son came out to me a few weeks ago. I swear, as long as he’s happy and breathing, I’m just going to take every single day from here on in as a blessing and a gift. My dad used to tell me “Don’t sweat the small petty things and don’t pet the small sweaty things!” I know that seems dumb and perhaps a little trite but It reminds me not to take life too seriously. Relax and enjoy what I’ve been given and just be grateful that I have the chance to live one more day with them. I think we sometimes get so caught up in our day to day struggles and issues that we sometimes forget just what a wonderful gift we’ve been given.

23. Just finished watching the Conference video and am in tears. I want to say thank you, to you and your husband, for having the strength and courage to share your son’s, and your family’s, story. I firmly believe that someone can have both their Christian faith and whatever sexuality they were born with, without having to change themselves for God. I come from a Christian home, but my parents also raised my brothers and sisters in such a way that we were allowed to choose our faith on our own. Now I still am blessed to call myself a Christian, but am without a church home. I enjoy going to church, but often struggle with the fears of joining a church that may judge myself or others over things like sexuality. My own sexuality hasn’t been clear to me for a long time now, but I’ve recently discovered demisexulaity, and feel that is where I fit in. This means I can feel (and have felt) a romantic attraction to the same gender. It also puts me closer to the area of asexuality, a concept that many people don’t understand. This all feels very natural to me though, and I do not feel that it blocks my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I havn’t told my family of my recent discovery of my sexuality, not because I’m afraid they will stop loving or caring about me, but because I do not want them to live in fear of my future and my relationship with Jesus and God. I know some members of my family would try and pray for me, and change me through talks, and I’m not sure how I would handle that. I openly support LGBT rights, and practice my faith in the ways I know how, hoping that others will also feel it’s alright to have both faith, and to be yourself.

24. Linda, we lost our own “beautiful boy,” our Matt, on June 13, 2010. at age 29. The circumstances of our life with Matt were very different from your life with Ryan—but the loss, that horrible, horrible rending of a child from the fabric of his family, that hole that will be there forever—these things are no different. Our grief is your grief, it is the grief of every parent who has lost a child. The last major paragraph you wrote in your blog could have been written by me…we too wear his color (blue), hoard memories (his Lion King blankie, his favorite robe, untold numbers of books and picture, much-loved CDs) because there will be no more. Like you, as much as we love our other children and rejoice in their families and accomplishments, we will always have an empty space where he should be. I too especially cherish my friendships with others who have experienced the same loss, because they are the ones who truly understand.

    In my readings on afterlife, what comes through often is the idea that spirits leave us when their work here is done. Matt was very involved in youth work in our church as a young adult (we are Episcopalians) and at the time of his death he was working in New Orleans renovating homes that had been all but destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. Hard to imagine that his work was “done,” that there wouldn’t have been a reason for him to stay with us—but it’s not in our hands. Maybe Ryan’s “work” was to teach you, so that you could teach others in his memory…talking and writing, and hopefully opening the eyes of parents who are trying to navigate their way through the minefield of raising a child who is gay…helping them to know what to say to that child…to know how to be supportive and loving…how to to reconcile that child’s orientation with what they have believed all along is “right”…the work of teaching us ALL to love our children unconditionally, “Just because (they) breathe”—

    That you can speak openly and share your story, that you can make a difference for other families—this is Ryan’s legacy. I am grateful to you for sharing your journey…and I pray that you will be able to let yourself off the hook. We all do things we regret—but Linda, the only thing you CAN do as a parent is to do the best you can at the moment, with the tools you have available to you AT THE MOMENT. Only later do we learn whether what we did was right or wrong, helpful or way off base. Thank God for the ten months you had with Ryan after he returned to you…this was for all of you such an incredible time of healing, growth and love, and it was such a blessing.

    This is much longer than I intended—but I want to leave you with one thought that a friend of mine (who lost her own adult son) shared with me. We were talking about our belief in the spirit world, the soul, afterlife and those kinds of ideas…and she said that we usually speak of ourselves as “having” a soul, when in fact it’s quite the reverse…we ARE the soul, we ARE the spirit, and we are temporarily in possession of a human body. So that is where I am with this…I firmly believe that my Matt and your Ryan are with God, but I also believe that the threshold between “here” and “there” is very, very narrow and that they remain so close. I see Matt everywhere…he is in the air I breathe, the birds and butterflies in my garden, he is in the mirror, in his sister’s smile. Matt watches me carry on his work through a nonprofit that we established in his memory (www.mattstrees.org); Ryan watches you open yourself to criticism and misunderstanding as you struggle to help others understand what matters most. They love us still…as we do them, always.

    God’s peace,.

    • Judy…I just sent you a FB friend request – I hope that is okay. I cried as I read your message…you so “get” what I am feeling. And you just survived the third anniversary…just as we approach the fourth. I am so thankful you wrote…and so thankful for your words. YOU are a gift, my friend…and next time I see anything with Lion King…I will think of Matt. ❤

      • Linda, I saw your friend request a minute ago and am so glad to connect with you. You have opened an incredible dialogue, and I am not at all surprised at the many responses you have received. I know there have been some bad ones—but please, don’t let yourself go there, even for one second. Do not doubt the plan in all of this…do not for one minute doubt the positive impact that your story and Ryan’s will have on hundreds, thousands of families who struggle with this issue. You are going to reach more families than you ever thought possible…

        Sometimes life just doesn’t unfold in the way we would hope…but it unfolds in the way that it is supposed to, with all the accompanying joy and pain. Garth Brooks has a great song called “The Last Dance” that says “I could have missed the pain, but I’d ‘ve had to miss the dance.” And not for anything would we have wanted to miss the dance…

25. BUT…..we love YOU. just exactly as you are.

26. I am a 23 year-old gay male. Despite the fact that my eyes are now burning after bawling for 30 minutes straight, I will try my best to squint at the computer screen and somehow express what this story means to me. It is truly shocking just how similar Ryan’s story is to mine. First of all, I was born and raised in the Seattle area, and now live in Capitol Hill. I come from an Evangelical Christian family, and grew up in the Church. I knew from a very young age that there was something different about me, but I didn’t know how to express it, or how to actually talk to anyone about it. Unlike Ryan, my coming out didn’t happen until a much later time. I was somehow able to hold all of my homosexual tendencies, feelings, and desires inside of myself, and not let them come out for quite a while. I didn’t hit a breaking point until my Sophomore year at the University of Washington (three years ago). At first, I approached my mom, and worked up the courage to tell her that I was Bisexual. For some reason this seemed logical, because I would be able to give her some bad news, but let her hold onto a slice of hope that I may still end up straight. She was devastated. I didn’t know what to do. I assumed that I needed to fix myself, because I had just “ruined” whatever relationship I previously had with my mom. So, I approached a biblical mentor who tried guiding me in the process, but more or less handed me off to a licensed counselor as I became more depressed. I started smoking and drinking, losing a lot of respect for myself and throwing caution to the wind during this “healing” process. I feel as though I don’t need to go into any more detail with this, as your family’s story almost reflects mine to a T. Things have been gradually improving with my parents. I talk with my mom quite often, and see them as much as I can. They still have not met my partner, who I have been with for over a year. We do a lot of hunting together, which I have been trying to use as a possible bonding tool, as my parents hunt quite a bit as well.

    This next part gives me chills. My mom is a critical care nurse, and works with a lot of very sick people. One day, I received a letter from my mom (at the time, we weren’t talking much). In this letter, she described a patient that was in her unit. He was in a coma due to a heroin overdose. My mom later found out that this man (in his late twenties) had not been on good terms, and hadn’t spoken to her in years. After he passed away, my mom saw the amount of guilt that this man’s mother had to experience. She decided that no matter how different our views were on the topic of homosexuality, she needed to begin mending our relationship. This man became the inspiration for her letter. She said, “I am your mother, I love you, and God will take care of the rest”. That was it. Of course, it hasn’t been all rainbows, clouds, and cotton candy since the letter, but things are definitely improving.

    I want to thank both of you for exposing the deep emotions involved with Ryan’s life and death (as I know just how deep they can run). I am not much of a writer, and I have never watched a video on Youtube that has triggered a response like this one. As I am sure you are well aware, Ryan’s death was not in vain. This story will impact, and most likely save many lives in the future. Thank you.

    • I also meant to say, “My mom later found out that this man (in his late twenties) had not been on good terms *with his mother*, and hadn’t spoken to her in years.

    • Ben – Your story gave me chills, too! So many similarities…but also so much hope! God clearly loves you and has NEVER let you go – You are His beloved child.

27. Dear Linda,

    I read your story today and cried. What a brave kid your son was at 12 to be able to reach out to you, to know that he could talk to you. It is evident to me that you and your husband had the best intentions and truly loved your son. I am so very sorry for you loss.

    My son just turned 13 a few months ago and recently told me that he was gay. I had been waiting for this day since he was two years old. I knew even then that more than likely he was gay, and my husband knew it too. There is no question in our minds that he was born this way.

    I don’t struggle with the fact that he is gay, but just worry about how he will be treated by others.

    Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and I am so deeply sorry for you loss. I will give my son an extra hug tonight in honor of your son. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it moved me so.

    Sincerely,
    Ashley

    • Oh, Ashley, what insightful and amazing parents you and your husband must be! To be aware of your son’s sexuality since he was two is incredible. What a lucky, lucky kid he is. I agree that the main concern is how the world will treat him, but thank God the world is finally beginning to change. My Dad is gay (even though he fathered seven kids) and now, at 92, he is still tormented by who he is. People like you and the Robertsons are helping to create new ways to be in this world. Speed the day!

28. Thank you for sharing your story. It touches me on several levels. I went through some of the reparative therapy you describe in the late 90s, mostly because I realized it was the only acceptable way to be gay in the evangelical, Fundamentalist family and community I was, in so many other ways, blessed to be part of. Fortunately, I realized that was the path that would ultimately destroy me. I left my family, faith and community 10 years ago. I am now married to a wonderful man that I have been with for 8 years. I can’t do the Jesus thing anymore, mostly because I can’t bring myself to worship a deity that would have such conflicting feelings about who I am. Particularly since I am no longer in conflict about myself. I found peace, but there is always a cost. It was life or death… I chose life.

29. I am deeply moved by your post. My children are young – 6,5 and 2. But when my eldest son was 3, he always wanted to dress up like Daphne from the Scooby Doo gang. Any character from a story, he wanted to be the girl. I allowed it but was not sure whether my spirit was as accepting as my outer self was. Fortunately, I happened to write a blog post about it, and a woman answered with her story of her first marriage, to a man who was her best friend but was also gay, and his struggle with his parents trying to pray for him to be straight, and for the years it took him to finally free himself from thinking that God did not love him the way he was. They ended up divorcing, but remained extremely close. Now she is a mother and her daughter has two dads: her current spouse (the biological father), and her gay-ex-husband, who plays a huge parental role in her life. They are a beautiful loving, albeit unconventional, family. But the main point was the love and respect they all have for each other. It made me realize that no matter what my son wanted to dress up as for playtime, I loved him fiercely and deeply because he’s my son. And I wouldn’t change him.

30. Robertson Family,
    I was truly touched by your story and am so compelled to respond. I am truly sorry for the loss of your son. Homosexuality is a very difficult issue for many to understand and comprehend, especially the struggle with sexuality and religion. I was raised as a strict Roman Catholic, with scriptures all but carved into my brain. As a gay male, it was extremely difficult to believe that God could love me when I was instructed that his teachings stated otherwise. I can relate to your son’s pain on so many levels. I always asked myself , “How can my parents ever love me and not deviate from their faith?” “How could I love myself if God doesn’t?” “If I can’t love myself, how can ANYONE love me?” “Why can’t I just be normal?” So much shame, and self loathing bottled up within, that I never thought anyone could ever, or would ever understand. Shame I felt I brought not only to myself, but also to my family after telling them the truth. My mother, wrote me a letter expressing her disgust and disappointment in “my choice”, and drove it home with it being against “God’s will”. I went to therapists and priests, and prayed so hard to be “fixed”. To my dismay it was never “fixed”, and my spiral of internal pain began. I too, found the world of drugs and alcohol to be my sole comfort to dull the pain of my failure to change, and used that world to hide within for many years. Finally after a few suicide attempts, it became clear to me. I may have many faults, but I am human, and I am a gay human. Now I understand that the clarity I experienced was the spirituality and grace from above, telling me to be willing to love myself, be willing to allow others to love me as well. Some days are a struggle, but others are a breeze when I can make others laugh and smile. It has been 24 years since my struggle with self acceptance began, and it is not always easy. When the time came, I was the only one of my siblings to try and give my father a kidney when needed, something I thought I could do to erase the disappointment he carried for me in his eyes. Unfortunately, he passed before things could be completed. I was the first to be at his side, and took that opportunity to apologize to him for the shame or disappointment that a gay son may have brought upon him. Sitting there in that moment of pure peace, so surreal, I understood that although my spirit had been a little beaten up, it was stronger with the grace of God. In that moment I realized that a gay person can have the love and spirituality by God, and that gay person can be me. At 42 I have finally understood that being gay is not who I am, it’s part of me, but it does not define me. As an adult I now know that if I want people to respect me for me, then I must also respect their viewpoints as well, even if we don’t agree, but I now live for myself. No, my parents are not perfect, and maybe they did not know how to react or deal with this, but I do not fault them for that, and I know that they love me. After reading your story about Ryan, it touched me with so many similarities in my life. I wish I could give your family a hug, and thank them for this story, because I now know that loving myself “Just Because I Breathe” is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself. With much gratitude to your family…Thank You.

    • Nick, what a beautiful, priceless revelation. I think that is one that many of us need to learn – perhaps first – that we need to love OURSELVES just because we breathe! Easier said than done! Wow – I have a new challenge! Thank you for letting God use YOU to speak to me!

31. Linda, I love you.
    Thank you for being a loving mother, even when the blinds were down, but most of all when you pulled them up and looked into the light. I know your son loved you as I love my mother. Continue sharing and making the world a better place. Your son and your love for him are now immortalized here forever.
    From a gay son.

    • And I love you, Danny…and I thank God for connecting us.

32. Here is my comment again:
    I was deeply moved by your story. My children are still very young. When my oldest was 3, he always wanted to pretend that he was Daphne from the Scooby Doo gang. I allowed it, but felt conflicted inside because I, too, am Christian. I wanted my inner self to be as accepting as my outer self. I posted on my blog about the Daphne love, and I received a well-timed response. A woman I had known as a teen had wed a man that I had briefly dated. He was gay, and although I knew he was gay, he was not there yet. He ended up marrying his best friend, and came out a couple of years later to her. For a while, he tried to change his sexuality because his family were very persistent in his doing so (reprogramming, etc). eventually, he and his still-wife told them enough was enough, she loved him for who he was, and he did too. They ended up divorcing on very amicable terms and remain very close to this day. She is now living with her common-law spouse and they have a child together. Her gay ex-husband also lives with them as a roomate when he is not away for work, and he plays a parental role as well. They are a very unique and LOVING family, even if they don’t fit the norm. This Father’s Day, she posted on FB: “My baby has two daddies, and they are both wonderful. Go Team Iris!”

    • I should mention that getting to know this woman as an adult and talking about her family life made me realize that I would always fiercely accept my children exactly as they are. Whether they want to marry a boy or not (which my son has also told me – at age 5. Because he wants to buy a Smart Car, and if he marries a woman, there is no backseat for kids. So if he married a man, they would not have kids and they could then drive a Smart Car. The train of thought that my son went through to reach that conclusion is hilariously impressive and I told that story to everyone I knew.)

33. I’m not sure exactually how I found your story, but I have to tell you it truly open my eyes. My daughter came out to me a few months ago telling me that she was gay. Now, even though we do not go to church, she understands and knows my beliefs on this and how it makes me feel. I have prayed to God to help me understand how my only child could be gay. I didn’t want to accept it, I started to see her in a different way, thinking about what other people would think, not wanting her to have to deal with all the haters out there, so many emotions have overcome me…not knowing how to deal with it all. I spent endless nights on the computer trying to find parents that are going through this, trying to just understand. I have spent, like you, sleepless nights wondering what I did to make her this way, how I could change her…but hearing your story TRUELY made me see a different side. It made me just want to go hug her, tell her I love her and how happy I am to have her as my daughter, and that I will always be there for her no matter what “just because she breathes” Thank you so much for your story…I think God sent me to your page and video….please keep doing what you are doing and I am so sorry about your beautiful son..may God bless you and you find the peace you need. I just know your son is smiling down on you for helping people like me understand. God Bless!

    • Connie…you just made our night…thank you SO MUCH for sharing!! What joy to hear how God is working!!

    • Learning that your child is gay is a life-altering experience. I know, because when my son was 20 he told me, although in my heart, I had known it all along. I told him I loved him, always had, always would. But privately, I was overcome with grief for the little boy he used to be (who somehow seemed lost to me now) and filled with fear for how the unknown future would unfold. Every night, I lay in bed, overwhelmed with emotion.

      Over the days that followed, my son told me how as a child, he felt so different and so filled with self-loathing that at 16, he stole his grandmother’s sleeping pills and contemplated suicide. It still breaks my heart to think of him feeling alone against the world. When he was 22, he stopped contemplating suicide and actually overdosed on pills. Thankfully, he survived, but I felt helpless to protect my son. My husband and I (who are not regular church goers) went to church, seeking some spiritual solace. To our horror, the Minister began talking about the church’s Christian school and how there were people who “would actually have homosexual teachers in our classrooms and homosexual students in our school…” He said it in a tone that suggested such an idea was utterly appalling. I thought about the young people in the church listening that day, how no doubt some of them may have been struggling with their own sexuality and to hear the pastor’s contempt must have deeply hurt them and crushed any hope they might have of being accepted one day… I thought about the parents like me who were heartsick over our children’s pain… and I resolved right there that I would not abide hatred directed against my son or any other human being. My husband and I stood up in the middle of that sermon and walked out. We’ll never go back. Ever.

      Thank you for sharing your story. For me, the message is about the glory of love–that LOVE, not the bible or religion, is divine.

      • Deb – I can’t believe you are not totally BITTER against Christians after that! What a HORRIFIC (but all too common, I fear) story. THANK YOU for sharing it. It carries with it an urgent message that MUST be heard!!

34. To Ryan’s beautiful Mom and earthly Dad, I “accidentally” came across your families story on huffington post. I’m very spiritual although I don’t identify with any particular religion, I know Jesus (Christ Michael from the lovely expansive Urantia book) as my loving universe creator, friend, and most loving Father; your story so touched my heart that I just wept for Ryan and the two of you. FIRST, I felt such deep compassion for the two of you, Ryan’s Mom and Dad. It’s very hard to be a parent. As I listened to your story, I thought of my Mom and listening to your struggle, you gave me one of many gifts, I felt even more compassion for my dear earthly Mom….it’s tough trying to be a good loving parent; we are all, whether we are parents or not, just doing the best we can with what we know and what we have been given. You are clearly such loving deeply heart centered beings. Of course, how could it be otherwise? Only such a lovely son as Ryan could come from lovely parents!! I know Ryan stands next to you and walks with you each day along with our most loving and understanding Creator of universes until you all will be reuinted again. It says in Urantia: “You cannot perceive spiritual truth until you feelingly experience it, and many truths are not really felt except in adversity.” It also says that Jesus expressed: “and I declare to you that my Father does rule a universe of universes by the compelling power of His Love. Love is the greatest of all spirit realities. Truth is a liberating revelation. But Love is the Supreme relationship. The ultimate goal of human progress is a loving relationship with man and God”. He does everything not with a great intellect or great power, but with LOVE. When Jesus came to earth to reveal the Father and His eternal limitless Love, Jesus didn’t come and live a life of wealth, ease and luxury. He lived a life experiencing the heart aches and struggles of being human. He knows how hard it is to be human. And as painful as it is, the life of Ryan and your family is touching so many lives and bringing so much love and new awareness of the total Love of God to so many. With the awareness that we are all eternal beings, knowing that Ryan truly walks by you, that he is only temporarilly out of your field of vision and no more than this, please know that you are deeply loved and please be kind and compassionate with yourselves. I know the 16th is coming. But the life of your son Ryan will live on in the hearts of many many humans and will save many many lives. He is safe, he is loved completely, he is in the care of God…..peace be with you both…..

    In love….James (Urantia, Evidence of the Afterlife by Jeffrey Long, M.D., God Believes in Love & In the Eye of the Storm by Gene Robinson may bring you comfort)

35. Dear Linda, I cannot even imagine the hell you must go through every day and the regret you live with.. And for that I am so very sorry. I too cried and cried as I read your story. What I CAN imagine is how very happy and proud of you Ryan would be if he could read the words you wrote about him and your words of sorrow and hope that your story about Ryan might help other parents realize that love, true love, is unconditional. It is not earned. And the greatest joy in life doesn’t come from being loved, but rather loving others with all your heart. I am so thankful that I clicked on whatever I did that led me to your story. I feel much better about the world after having read it. May God bless you and keep you. Ryan was suffering and now he is at peace. I hope one day you and your husband can share that same peace completely. God bless you and yours. clint

    • Such WISE words, Clint!! Bless YOU!

36. Dear Linda and Rob,

    Your story was incredibly moving to me. I came out to my parents when I was 16 and was sent to biblical counseling to replace my sinful desires with healthy heterosexual ones through scripture. I tried as well, did the things that I thought God would have wanted. But I couldn’t seem to change and I felt more horrible being something I wasn’t. I was lying to myself and I couldn’t imagine it was God’s plan either.

    It also became my understanding that I had to either choose God or my sexuality, and since I failed at correcting the latter, I abandoned God and my beliefs. Listening to your story I have come to believe differently. Yes, there are gay-friendly churches but they never struck me as real then. People can always twist the words around to fit how they want and I saw that the same way, that they were “fake” somehow. However, I really found a great deal of truth and meaning in what you have learned from Ryan and I hope that I can eventually find myself at a place where God and I are talking to each other. I also hope this lesson can be learned by my parents, whom I love very much, but prefer to avoid the whole idea of me being gay.

    I appreciate you sharing this story. It means a lot to me. I am in Seattle too and hope our paths cross so I can thank you for sharing your message of what I think is true Christian love.

    • Chris…Thank YOU for sharing your story!! I encourage you to talk to God again! I know He loves you so very much! Are you a reader? If so, I would HIGHLY recommend the book Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate by Justin Lee…it is fantastic. I couldn’t put it down, and neither could many of our gay friends. You can also find a lot about Justin’s views on GCN – http://www.gaychristian.net/. Justin has wrestled honestly with reconciling his sexuality with the Bible, and his journey is authentic and compelling. Much love to you, Chris!!

37. Following my own admission regarding my sexuality, my parents’ response was similar – don’t tell anyone, if you really work at it you can change, its better to be celibate and lonely for life than to face to stigma and struggles of being homosexual… But they did not do so religious reasons, but instead out of a misguided concern about what my life would be like if I wasn’t straight. While parents make many mistakes raising their children, you still gave your son the gift of reconciliation and the knowledge that he was loved, unconditionally and with all your hearts. I continue to hope my own family can accept me, and realise that sexuality is not a choice, nor a curse, to be endured or changed. Your story made me cry, and wish I could share it with my own mother. Perhaps in time I will be able to do so, but for now I rely on my partner, who is the only reason my life did not go along the same path your own sons did, with such tragic results.

    Thank you for being brave enough to face your own mistakes so unflinchingly, and for sharing this story with us.

38. Even when you were praying for your son to be straight, you were doing the best you could as a mother.

    Our culture is learning. The EU has anti-discrimination law protecting gay people and those who seek gender reassignment. Most of it has or is getting equal marriage. In 1980, gay sex was criminal where I was living. Even in the US, there is progress.

    We get better. We understand more. I am so sorry your son had to die that others might live.

    • Yes! We are LEARNING! I am so thankful neither God nor Ryan gave up on me!

39. Hi Linda,

    I’m writing to you in tears here, your story really touched me. Your children are beautiful, Ryan IS beautiful! I’m christian too, a daughter of a Presbyteryan Pastor, and I can only imagine how you felt since the day your son told you about his sexuality. However, you are perfect too, so please, don’t blame yourselves. You were wonderful parents, and I’m sure Ryan thought the same, and that was the reason he went back to you looking for your love. My parents would problably reacted just like you did as well as many parents, christians or not. I’ve learnt a lot with your story, I will never forget how much you love your son, he was a very blessed boy! I’m sure God is looking after him!

    Loads of love from Brazil!
    Lilian

40. I am an ex-gay survivor, and I can understand the hurt and regret that all of us feel. We will all eventually look for ourselves or someone to blame, but essentially I believe in the end we need to seek solutions. The past cannot be unmend, but the future can be planned. I thank you so for sharing your story, because it inspired me that there is still life left in me, and that there will be another Ryan out there, and through your testimony in Our Saviour, people will have greater guidance in what to do, and your revelations will help many other parents make good informed choices. God bless you both.

    • And God bless YOU, Yuki! I am so glad that you survived enough to still KNOW that our Savior loves you just as you are!!

41. Dear Mrs. Robertson:

    I feel like I know Ryan. I never met him, and we’ve never spoken. In fact, I just met him earlier this week, through your story in The Huffington Post. It’s a testament, really, to your powerful, unbiased, and unflinching look at your family’s struggle in dealing with his sexuality. So when you describe the circumstances surrounding his death, I cannot help but feel overcome with overwhelming sadness.

    I was raised Jehovah’s Witness and although my mother has convinced herself that she loves me unconditionally after coming out to her many, many years ago, my spirit knows differently. It can feel the restraint of my mom’s affection, even as she works hard to engage in discussions about my ex-boyfriend or a potentially new one. I know how much she loves me, but I can feel how much I’ve broken her heart, which breaks mine in return. Ryan’s letter to his father reminds me of this.

    After reading your other post about Ryan’s hypothetical wedding, the post mentioned here, Ryan’s letter to his dad, and your replies to comments made in this comments section including the reading materials you are recommending (Hill and Lee), it seems you are not necessarily accepting homosexuality, rather you are advocating tolerance in a manner consistent with the Lord’s teachings. And although this is the right path towards acceptance, it is still a journey incomplete. At it’s core, the debate about homosexuality is about sin and deciphering how God wants us to handle this behavior. It’s an unenviable task. Futile, if you ask me. For what I’ve come to learn is that homosexuality is as devine a trait as heterosexuality exempted entirely from sin and full of grace, without flaw or fallacy.

    I discussed your story with my mother yesterday over lunch. She said you were right to tell your son to choose between his lifestyle and God. I asked her if she would feel the same way even if it meant losing her son. She simply replied that it’s what God mandates, not her. Apparently, for some, it’s not enough to love a child just because he breathes.

    Thank you for your candid story.

    • Rene, thank you for your thoughtful reply. You are right..I am not trying to “promote” one way of thinking, other than standing up strongly FOR loving our kids unconditionally and AGAINST any kind of hate speech. The reason I recommended both Hill and Lee is because I think this issue, for a Christian, is not one that I can give someone answers to. I think that only Jesus can lead them, as they listen to HIM, and as they read stories from others who have chosen different paths, but still respect each other. It doesn’t really matter what Rob and I believe about theology…we are NOT theologians. But we are parents, and followers of Christ, and we feel strongly that God has not called us to judge or convict anyone. If God wanted to convict my gay Christians friends, He certainly could. He has not. Many of my gay Christian friends have more intimate walks with Jesus than I do..I am inspired by them to seek Him! Thank you for recognizing that “the debate” is futile, and that is isn’t what we are trying to do here.
      Your last line wrecked me. Especially since it was about your OWN story. My tears are for you today, my friend.

42. I tried to watch the slide show but it wouldn’t work…..

43. Sorry my heart goes nowhere near you!! I pray to G-d you suffer the guilt pain and anguish of having driven your son to his death.

    My heart goes out to Ryan – a young man subjected to his parents venom – ” we had unintentionally taught Ryan to hate his sexuality” what a crock – You used every device available to teach Ryan that his sexuality was an abomination against G-d and all that other crap – you conveniently forgot that we are all made in G-d’s image and that G-d is infallable ergo He made Ryan as He wanted Ryan to be.
    What about “love thy neighbour”?

    I come from a religious Jewish family who love me irrespective of my sexuality – my parents didn’t like it and in the beginning definately didn’t approve – but they didn’t tell me I was going to fry like a latke in hell because of it.

    You chose a book over their own son!! A book that has been edited and twisted to suit ONE mans views (king James – a HOMOSEXUAL!!) how retarded, narrow minded, bigoted are you to believe that your beliefs are right above all others?
    Wearing clothes made of two different fabrics is abhorrent to G-d, touching pigskin is abhorrent to G-d, breaking the Sabbath is abhorrent to G-d, the list of abhorences goes on and on yet you focused on only one???

    I hope you suffer every day for the rest of your nasty lives!! you are no better than Matthew Shephards killers except you think that joining an outreach program makes up for your inability to reach out and love your own flesh and blood, your darling son UNCONDITIONALLY.

    I am sorry to be cruel but it is how I feel – you felt that being gay would keep Ryan from G-d’s love – so I feel disgusted by you and the thousands and thousands of narrow minded Jesus freaks who drive their own flesh and blood to drugs and suicide, the young men and women bullied and subjected to all kinds of humilliation because you and your friends and your church and your priest don’t approve.

    I pray Ryan’s memory lives for many years beyond your life and I hope you remember him and feel the shame and guilt every single day of your lives.

    I don’t care if you publish this – I only hope you have the guts to read it to the end.
    Ryan Robertson R.I.P

    • Robi, I did read your message to the end (much to the chagrin of my husband, my therapist and especially my gay brother!). This is the only thing I want to say:
      You said this, “you are no better than Matthew Shephards killers except you think that joining an outreach program makes up for your inability to reach out and love your own flesh and blood, your darling son UNCONDITIONALLY.” We do NOT think that joining an outreach program makes up – IN ANY WAY – for the wrongs we did to Ryan. But what did heal the wounds was – over the course of almost a year – LISTENING to him describe those wounds, without defending ourselves, and letting him know how deeply we regret our mistakes. We apologized for each wrong. We asked forgiveness for each wrong. And most of all, by then (before then, actually) we had learned that we ADORED our gay son, EXACTLY as he was. And that GOD adored him, too, because GOD created him PERFECTLY. We were CRAZY about him. We always were, but in the past few years of his life, we grew to learn how to REALLY love him…FULLY. Ryan died knowing that.

      Please read the letter he wrote to my husband two weeks before his accidental overdose. Ryan knew how to give grace. He LIVED grace and mercy, because he knew the grace and mercy of God (not because he was gay, but because he was HUMAN). And Ryan died knowing, without a doubt, that his Creator, his Dad, his mom, his sisters and his brother LOVED HIM JUST BECAUSE HE BREATHES.
      May grace and peace be with you, Robi.

      • Hugs you Linda. You and your family are greatly loved and appreciated. This story of love is touching and healing many lives. Please don’t give up.
        Sending lots of love and support your way. Prayers again for you.
        John 16:33

    • Robi – One more thought. Not even asking for Ryan’s forgiveness – and receiving it- can truly make up for what we did. Nothing can but God’s mercy and grace. However, if ONE family is helped…is encouraged to love THEIR gay child, or ANY of their children, because of this story, then for us, THAT is the meaning of redemption.

44. Dear Robertson family. It was by pure chance/luck/faith…. i’m not really sure what it is/was or even all off the mentioned that i stumbled onto your link on mt fb page. I have read your story, watched the video and saw the slide show and i cant remember when last i was this sad for someone i don’t even know. But to say i can relate to your/his story is a under statement. I cannot share your pain for losing your son but my battle was there just like his. At the tender age of 14 i came to terms with the fact that i was gay. It was horrible. I cried and cried for days and asked God why he was punishing me. I have always knew something was different with me but i never thought it would go to to that extreme. Going through high school was hell on earth. With that i have a very abusive father and his thoughts for getting me ‘straight’ was beating the ‘gay’ out of me. Needless to say it didn’t work, it just made me despise him more. The day he told my mother she broke out in tears and my heart broke…. i hated myself!! The biggest thing for me ever is to make my mom understand she didnt do anything wrong, she didnt raise me and my sister incorrectly. Every thing she did was perfect, but being gay was something inside of me. Im 31 years old now and i can still see it eats at my mom, she better (if you can call it better) but i know deep inside she wants me to be ‘straight’ and want me to live a ‘normal’ life.

    Almost 11 years ago i ended up using heroin. I OD’d so many times i lost count…. Heroin made the world quite for me, it made everything fad out. All the hate, fear and sadness was drained out. Not my proudest moment in my life but something i had to go through. The 2nd worst day was the day i had to tell my mom i was using and i wanted to clean up. The 3rd worst day was trying to explain again to my mom that this was nothing she did wrong, using heroin was all on me and not her. And you must also remember that you didn’t push Ryan into using, it was his own choice and that happened for a reason. Every single little thing in life happens for a reason. If Ryan never used, you would have never fully realized what an amazing son you had.

    I have been clean for 10 years now. My mom is my biggest supporter of being clean in life. I still wish that i could make my mom proud of being the perfect ‘straight’ daughter she wants me to be but i cant. That something i will never be able to give her, i love her more then i love my own life but i know it still hurts her. My father…… lets just say i have written him out of my life. My mom is my all. Through the drugs she was there, she helped me to clean up. Being gay… don’t know if she will ever truly make peace with it. As the years go on she is becoming less hostile towards my partners but again it has taken years to get her here. I know God loves me and i love Him back for that. I have made some bad choices and sometimes even i wonder if he will ever forgive me cause they just seem to big, even for me. I have made peace with the fact that i am gay, this is who i am and that doesn’t change who i am. I’m still the same person who i was on the inside, i still laugh the same, hurt the same, feel the same, breath the same… i’m still me. The only thing that has changes was the choice that i make with who i share my intimacy with.

    I can promise you the last 10 months of your sons life was the best he ever had, and no one better then you guys could have given that to him. In the end God brought you closer then anyone or anything ever could. He adored you for finally loving him for who he was and that what God wanted. Yes he was taken as a very early but Ryan for filled his purpose that God sent him to you. And all we can say is thank you for educating people out there that God an being gay do go together. He still loves us and has a purpose with ALL of us, no matter what.

    – The Script, If you could see me now (something for the family to listen to)

    • Jo-Mari…Your message has so many articulate, heart-breaking, gracious, beautiful lines…I have copied and saved many of them. And the song…it breaks my heart, because so many of the commenters on this blog have lost their parents WITHOUT having the chance to reconcile, WITHOUT knowing if their parents ever really loved them. Rob and I just watched it and cried. YOU are a gift…I am so thankful that your mom sees you as a gift, and I KNOW that God does, too!

      • If the world could have parents like you the world will be one amazing place!! Ryan and your other 3 children are truly blessed to have parents who love and care so much for them. That song is perfect for you and im pretty sure it was one that Ryan would have loved to play for you. You and Rob have made the biggest difference in so many lives of so many people and never forget that. You have reached your calling in life and God is proud, we are proud.

        I wish i was close by to sit down and talk to you as a person who has been there, gone through what Ryan has gone through. It feels like there re just SO much to say, so much to feel. But remember Ryan is talking through all of us to let you know that he is ok and he loves you SO SO much. Day by day the pain will get better and i pray it does for your family. Your story has touched millions of lives and saved thousands

        • Jo-Mari, thank you for believing in this work. It is people like you who God keeps using to remind us to keep going, even when we are exhausted and soul-weary from the criticisms and accusations. Doing this, though, is healing for us…we get to remember Ryan (a guy who went to high school with him, and read the blog from overseas, sent our daughter some memories of his friendship with Ryan today that are PRICELESS too us..they were memories of Ryan flirting with him. 😉 And his description of Ryan’s character, and how Ryan changed his life, MADE OUR DAY), and we get to do work that we KNOW Ryan would want us to do. Thank you for your support, friend!

      • Nothing makes me more upset then the though of all the criticisms and accusations you and Rob are getting. People love to forget that God is then only one that can judge. My mom always taught me if you cant say something nice… then rather say nothing at all. Please don’t ever believe you did anything wrong with how you raised Ryan and what happened, God made it all happen for a reason and one day He will tell you why and that day everything will make sense. When ever you are accused or criticized, please pay no attention, its people who have not suffered in life who criticize and have no idea how it feels or what its about. They still need to reach the level of love, compassion and peace that you have already reached. And if they want to say more… send them my way 😉 I have loads i can say to people like that

45. This moved me to tears. So tragic on so many levels, and yet the author clearly owns and understands, and is essentially, bravely, poignantly working through it in a way that enlightens.

    My heart breaks for you, your family, and your son…and my hat is off. So now the storm is over, you must learn to dance in the rain. Love and power and peace to you all.

    • Dancing in the rain!! YES!! May it be so!!

46. Dear Linda & Rob,

    I am a Ryan Robertson.

    I can relate in numerous ways to Ryan’s stories. It is, essentially, my story in every single way. Like Ryan, I have attempted to reconcile my Christian beliefs with my same sex attraction. And, unfortunately, I had chosen very self destructive avenues in which to try to reconcile those feelings–although fortunately, those ways did not cost me my life. I have to say, that I can only understand this story from one side-that is Ryan’s side. I truly understand and empathize with his pain. Regardless, it would personally be unfair for me to lash out in anger and hate towards you, as I am sure that you have experienced from others since I cannot even begin to fathom your position as straight parents trying your best to empathize and deal with a son that is gay within the Christian community. I know that people will paradoxically pass judgement on you and claim that you are responsible for your son’s death. My heart felt desire is that you know that you did everything you could out of love to deal with your son’s same sexual attraction. You are not culpable for your intentions. To be quite honest, as I saw your video, I saw two parents who were deeply in love with their baby boy and did what they deemed best for their son at the time. Being quite honest, I wish my parents would have invested as much prayer and time into my personal life as I fought my battles of trying to understand my personal identity on my own. Unfortunately, they were not there for me in this regard. People may disagree with what you did in parenting your son, but one thing I can for sure see is that it is obvious that you loved your baby boy. And that makes all the difference.

    • PB, thank you. Thank you for knowing that we LOVED Ryan, despite our many flaws. I am praying today that God will heal your own heart from the wounds YOU have suffered, and that He will continue to affirm His love for you in the deepest places of your heart.

      • Thank you very much. I just wanted to add one last word of encouragement. In the midst of some of the most utterly vicious comments posted, you have been a testimony to God’s unfailing grace as your responses have been so slow to anger and quick to love. I am truly amazed! Your responses suggest that you have been tried and tested by fire and have been rendered stronger than ever–a true testament to the working of the Holy Spirit. Additionally, I just read your son’s letter to Rob on Father’s Day a few weeks prior to his passing. That blew my heart out of my chest–indescribably moving! May y’all be blessed abundantly!

47. how sad that they steal cling to their church, I guess they can’t think for themselves. I wonder what you really feel. Maybe it’s a relieve.

    • Sandra, so am I to assume by your well thought out and composed post that you do not know any strong people who are religious? Only the weak and feeble “cling to their faith?” If so, then your opinion is honest and perhaps not so hateful, although one must wonder why a loving, supportive human being would say such a thing to a grieving mother and father. Again, if that is the case, you should perhaps broaden your circle of acquaintence, because frankly, every real Christian I know is very strong. Case in point, the Robertsons are showing themselves extremely strong.
      Or, perhaps you think that Christians are uneducated and/or unintelligent. Again, perhaps you should reach out beyond your circle of comfort to discover that this simply is not the case. In fact, my church parish alone includes (at least) 36 physicians, over 100 engineers (we’re near space-center), and in excess of 50 teachers. None that I personally know are feeble minded or unintelligent, and they certainly can spell and craft a sentence. Faith, my friend, has nothing to do with intelligence. Some of the most brilliant minds have been theologians; some have also been athiests. Faith is a gift of grace.
      The arrogance of closed minded people fuels hatred. Christians do desire to spread the Gospel, and its because of their (I realize this is hard for many people to believe) – love. Many, unfortunately, are misguided through poor catechesis and/or poor leaders who have misinterpreted Christ’s message of unconditional love. That, however, is not the point of my post, which is simply one condemning closed-mindedness. We should all strive to be truth seekers, focusing on unconditional love. Tension between opposing viewpoints is neither unexpected nor unwanted. Tension encourages honesty and a desire to “think outside the box,” to attempt to feel the other party’s emotions. Empathy begets respect and understanding. Much Love.
      Bill

48. Today I got a facebook post on my wall from my mom, linking me to your story. She also sent me a private message saying “Hi sunshine… just wanted to say I love you.”
    As I read your story, I could barely hold in my tears.
    I always had a hard time wondering if my mother, who is a Roman Catholic Italian, would accept me after I came out 3 years ago. Now, 22, she is and has been my biggest supporter. When I came out, she was terrified. Terrified of what could happen to me, terrified that I would get hurt or get sick. She was afraid of “losing” me… and through time she’s become my biggest supporter. It can be difficult having a son who also happens to be a drag queen, but she’s come to love me and support me through everything. We’ve had many talks and I know she prays for me, not to be straight, but to be happy. And I totally am 🙂

    • KERRY!! THIS MADE MY DAY!!! Thank you SO much for sharing!!! Tons of love to you!!

49. Linda and Rob,

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. My own parents have struggled for nearly 2 decades to accept me and my sexuality, and then one day this past spring it happened. The last bit of hesitation fell and my parents fully embraced me- all of me. I feel extraordinary for having read your story, and while sadness is a part of life’s journey, I believe your story is one of hope. You give me faith that all people have the capacity for love and acceptance. Though I never met Ryan, his story lives on in my heart as a reminder to love myself no matter what.

50. Dear Robertson family,
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing Ryan’s legacy and your story of a renewed faith in God. My mom went through similar things with me as a lesbian. I went through very similar things as Ryan. I became addicted to drugs at a very early age dealing with my sexuality, the fear of what God thought of me, and the fear of telling my parents. I am clean and sober since 1996 and I am 37 years old. It was not without great struggle. It was not without confusion and worries from my mom and dad. My mom when she found out i was gay years after my sobriety told me I was going to hell cause of my choice. I then told her she shouldn’t do that cause she might just be making the same sin for judging me. Many years have past and she has come to terms that God loves us all and created us as we are, and I have come to terms that God made me as he intended to be. Sadly my parents could have easily been in the same shoes as you. Luckily through the grace of God that didn’t happen. Your story is a story of love and what God truly is. Love. I am in hopes that more Christians can see that God made us all the way he intended. I have shared your testimony of Ryan’s legacy. I pray for your family for comfort and support. Again thank you for sharing Ryan and your family with us. John 16:33

    Jamie

    • Jamie…John 16:33 is my husband’s favorite verse. Thank you for sharing your story, and for reminding me of that truth! I love you, my sister!

      • My favorite verse too. Thanks you Linda. Seriously God spoke to me today through your story of Ryan today. He’s an angel of God doing his work in heaven for sure. God bless your family.