2,455 responses to “Just Because He Breathes”

1. I watched the video of your recent sharing at the Exodus Conference. I admire your courage and love for Ryan and other parents who struggle. What I appreciate about your story is that you and Rob are clear and consistent in your love for Ryan and even your mistakes were done out of your commitment as parents to do what was best for him. I love your openness to learn from your mistakes and communicate your learnings to anyone who chooses to listen. The wonderful thing about social media is that it allows Ryan’s story to get out to people who might otherwise never hear. Unfortunately the curse of social media is that it makes you a target for attacks from hurting people who only know how to lash out as a way to relieve their deep pain. I know you get that part, but it doesn’t make it easier to be the target of hate. Thank you for telling your story.

   On a personal note, I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Pastor in the Bay Area One area I would like to develop is to work with parents and families of young men and women like Ryan who struggle with sexual orientation and sexual identity in the context of the faith community. My initial thought is to do a process group. Not sure what this will look like or how to connect with families who are going through this. Not sure where to begin, but when I do I would love to share your story with those I work with. Thank you again for your courage in sharing Ryan’s story.

   • Dave…what a GREAT idea! As I read through all of these comments, there is a huge need for that! Praying for God to lead and guide you!

     • Cheers, Bravo, Second the motion ??? !!! I’ve been nagged by this start up idea for a while now. That is, for participants who are ‘failing’ or otherwise being negatively impacted by SOCE (Sexual Orientation Change Efforts) ….. hyper-humid hot oven climates in church life and/or service settings, pressures from any number of preconceived negative directions, a feeling of having these and other SOCE involvements serve to pump the breathing space and oxygen from the rooms where somebody has been struggling w discernment and the human body …. perhaps we need one or more clearly designated, accessible settings with palpable spacious and gracious atmospheres. To really mean it when we offer to shelter, nurture, and empower folks who’ve gotten to desperate, cornered states of body, mind, and spirit. We could use every means to get the Word Out, that for example, turning to drugs because you already feel so awful about yourself and your same sex attractions which have not changed despite what painfully feels like a zillion flight hours of SOCE programming is just not the sole powerful alternative you have available to you. Such service/nurture settings could get the news out to people just as they are giving up on themselves and on life because one or another SOCE bubble world setting has exhausted itself telling them how dirty, defective, and (perhaps) dangerous or endangered that setting urgently believes participants to be. Such centers or settings could be important parts of a healthy, capable answer to the crazy-making SOCE question: What in the world do I do, next?

2. What an awful nightmare for a parent to go through. I’m so sorry. I wish there were words anybody could say to help. I cannot imagine the pain you have suffered. Your son was a pawn in a desperate battle for cultural dominance, and I can’t blame you or him for not understanding that until it was almost too late. It sounds like you tried your best with what you knew, and that’s about all anybody can ask. I’m glad that your son forgave you at the end and that your family was healing before the accident–sometimes the universe gives us a little break. Please don’t beat yourself up. It really sounds like you did the best you could. As someone’s said, we didn’t understand a lot of stuff that we do now. When push came to shove, you did the right thing.

   I can only hope that your story will inspire other parents to put their precious children before their religious leaders’ dogma. The only true religion is in loving each other.

3. Hello Mrs. and Mr.Robertson,
   i’m not good in things like that but I’ll try…I just read about you and your son and it made me sad.Sad because of the dilemma in we all get strucked:We always talk about tolerance,acceptance,of making the way of us living more easy and comfortable for everyone but mostly it’s just talk and nothing else.
   I’ve learned a few things about those matters during my life…and even if I cannot accept due to this learnings a Creator above me like you do one thing I can see truly:
   One has to walk his path to reach his goal.And the path always is the goal – there’s no better truth I know.Since I recognized that I try to walk the path and I’m shure one day I reach the goal…and I will reach this goal with love and respect to be my fellows.
   I’m not gay,even if I thought beeing it for almost two years.I had a friend to which I talked about the matter…he helped me to find out what I was and what not.And what impressed me most was his seriousness which was love and respect to me.And this is the lesson I repaeat each day for myself.
   So if your Creator means Love and Respect maybe we have the same idea of what life should be – and we use only another name for it.

   I apologize for my maybe bad english – tried my best.
   🙂

   Love and respect

   B.F.Kreutz

   • Burkhard – I thought your English was MORE than fine! I can read Spanish, but sure am not brave enough to WRITE it where it could be seen…You are courageous!
     I think God IS LOVE. And respect is part of love, is it not?? How wonderful that we can agree on that!! Thanks for sharing your story!!

4. Hi Linda and Rob!
   I read your heartbreaking story on Facebook today and it made me cry. I cried when I came to this part of your story:
   “And a new journey was begun, one of healing, restoration, open communication and grace. Lots of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son and leave the rest up to Him.”

   God works mysterious ways and although He took your son home to be with Him, he is still alive and well and God is using him today, to change the petrified hearts and unloving hearts of too many Christians…as God used your son to change your own views on “Gods unlimited love”, the same way he is continuing using Ryan’s and yours testimony!

   I was raised in a Christian family, a loving one as yours, and was always thought to love, no matter what…we might not always agree with lifestyle or other people’s understanding of life, but we can “choose to love” and let GOD work out the differences..

   I am so happy that I read your story because it supports my opinion, (even though I have had my doubts from time to time) – but at the same time, I have also been “afraid” to “stand up” for this opinion, for the same reason, that you were afraid when your son first told you he had same-sex-attraction..Hopefully this story will help me, not to be afraid, to speak against the Christians who “choose to hate” or simply are “afraid to love”!

   “We must not live a self-seeking, self-centered, unemotional and stupefying Christian life, because it deprives freedom and joy from other people. But we are to live a sacrificial, open-minded and merciful Christian life.” (Quote from a pastor and friend)

   “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.
   For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
   But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.” – Galatians 5:13-15

   May GOD bless you all 🙂 ❤
   Let’s choose to LOVE and let God work out the differences!

   • What a PERFECT scripture for this!! Thank you for sharing, Phillip! Your words are powerfully inspiring and courage-giving!!

5. I am not a religious person, but your story of this journey was poignant, enthralling, sorrowful…wistful. Wishing peace for you and your family. This reminds me, metaphorically, of the scene in The Shawshank Redemption when the main character, Andy, crawls 500 yards through a sewage pipe to stand up and be free in the pouring rain. In other words, your path was painful and difficult, and even though the rain may seem endless, you are standing in a place of grace and beauty. As a gay man and a recovering addict, I must tell you that you sharing your story was cleansing and uplifting. Your son is obviously walking with you now.

   • sorry for commenting twice… I wasn’t sure the first one went through… I have re-read this 4 times now, reposted it on my own blog, and shared it wherever I can… it’s the epitome of grace.

6. HI i am ryan mark n i am also gay. i just want to say sorry n want u to know that ryan is in a better place n looking down on your’l n thanking your’l for share his story to all of us T.C God Bless………………………………………………………………………….

7. Linda,

   I am sitting on my couch in my apartment with tears rolling down my face. I am turning 24 next month, born the same year as your son. One year ago, almost to date, I came out to my parents. I grew up in a beautifully nurturing Christian home where I was deeply loved. As I read your story, the way in which you and your husband wrestled with your sons sexuality, I couldn’t help but see my parents as they’re in the exact same place now. I understand your sons actions and the ways in which he tried to cope with his reality. I have been in and out of that place this past year. Reading your journey into a greater understanding of love and grace has given me a breathe of fresh hope. It’s amazing, the redemptive good that can sprout from such tragedy. It has been my desperate cry and prayer that my parents would come to a similar place that you have. Your story fills me with perseverance to stick this tough road out…because it does get better. It must.

   Thank you,

   For your bravery & your love.

   • Nicholas…I am weeping, too…because our stories ARE so similar…I am so thankful to God for allowing our paths to cross. DO have hope! Ryan had a lot of grace and patience for us, and in being so honest with his experience, he helped us to learn. I LOVED IT when you said, “It’s amazing, the redemptive good that can sprout from such tragedy.” Our Lord is so good! He is working through you, to give us courage, right now!

   • Hi Nicholas,
     I, too, have been right where you are sitting, where Ryan was sitting. Our stories are so similar. And I promise you, it DOES get better. I also understand the choices Ryan made…while I didn’t make the exact same ones, the ones I made were unwise all the same. I hated myself so much I didn’t care what happened to me. I still carry a lot of the anger and bitterness that came from reactions and experiences such as Ryan’s parents described. It’s a tough and painful road. It took a while, but my family did come around. They truly accept who I am, not merely tolerate it. Just an example, when the whole Chik-Fil-A thing happened, my mom got very upset and said “I’ll never give my money to them ever again; I can’t support that type of a display!” Both my parents are supporters of marriage equality now. I wish you much peace as your family, and you, come to terms with this. Regardless of what your parents do, however, please love and be kind to yourself. There is so much beauty in this world, and especially within you. Let yourself see it; do your best not to burden yourself with the baggage of others, even if those others are your parents. They will come around.

8. Dear Linda,
   Even though your story is tragic and so sad, it give me so much hope. Although I am not gay myself and don’t even know anyone (personally) who is, it always hurt me so much when I heard people using their religion as an excuse to condemn gay people. I don’t know if it’s because I found my faith on my own (my parents aren’t religious) and didn’t just believe what people told me when I was a kid – but I never understood why people thought anyone loving anyone could be a bad thing.
   This doesn’t apply to you of course – I was very impressed with what you wrote, about how you reacted. For someone who was so sure, that their son was doing something, or let’s say being someone, that God didn’t want him to be – you were still kind, and loving, even if you wanted him to change (in the end he changed you…). There are probably millions of kids out there who don’t even get that. I think you deserve a lot of respect for that.
   But the reason I said that your story gave me hope is because you demonstrate that loving God and gays are NOT mutually exclusive. It is important to me to see that there are people who show that you can believe in God AND accept gay people just the way they are. And I don’t mean saying ‘oh they are wrong but we should still be nice to them’ but actually saying ‘there is nothing wrong with them. God made them the way they are, which is perfect’. Among most of my friends Christian sort of equals homophobic. They see how religious people condemn gays and think it is part of the faith. And that makes me sad. (Maybe it is different here in Germany – I know that the US has regions where basically everyone is Christian, but here it is mostly a case of: Yes, I’m Christian on paper, but I don’t go to church or really think about it.)
   So thank you – thank you for telling your story. I hope more and more people learn to see that all God wants from us is to love each other. Unconditionally. Let’s hope that their journey is smoother than yours. I’m sure your son is watching you and is incredibly proud of you.
   All the best for the future and God bless you,
   Anna (Buckenhof, Germany)

   • Thank you, Anna! You’ve said it!

9. A very dear friend shared this link with me. My 15 year old son just came out to us. As Christians, we are struggling with the obvious Biblical references. Although, I also believe in a very loving God that will walk with all of us as we enter this new chapter of our lives. He has shown me time and time again, that He loves us just where we are today.

   Your story has given me hope. I love that you shared, “Walking in faith and not fear.” I will hold onto this forever.

   I have rewritten this post so many times, because I don’t have the words to express my thoughts yet. I have fragmented thoughts and lots of tears. I just need you to know that your story has made a difference in our lives today.

   I truly believe that Jesus is holding Ryan in His loving arms, until you are able to so again.

   • Jana…Praying, praying and praying for you some more. What you wrote was beautiful…when I was at the beginning of this journey, I couldn’t even eat, much less WRITE anything. And yes, you are right…even though some cannot understand this, for we Christians, having a gay son or daughter DOES begin a new chapter of our lives. I am praying that for you, it will be a chapter full of knowing God more deeply, believing – really – that He loves your son far more than you do (that was a hard one for me…who could possibly love him more?), and becoming more attuned to hearing His still small voice speaking to your heart. Much love to you!!

10. Rob & Linda:
    My heart broke and watching the video I cried. It reminded me of growing up as an only child, knowing that I was gay since I was 10, but playing the straight role that society wanted me to be until a few years after college, after both my mother and father had passed.

    So many parents can learn so much from the both of you. So many Christians can learn so much from you. That God created each of us just as we are to be. That “God doesn’t make junk”. That being gay is NOT as sin.

    If you do nothing else, I would ask that you both contact Matthew Vines, founder and president of The Reformation Project (http://www.thereformationproject.org).

    Matthew is a Harvard undergraduate who after his freshman year, took two years off to research the Bible to find out exactly what is says about homosexuality, because he believed like you to – that we are created just as we are intended to be by God. The Reformation Project is an organization at wiping out homophobia from Christian churches (a tall order for sure). Matthew is starting that process this September by training 50 church leaders from across the country in a four day training event so that they too can go back to their churches and communities and begin to share with other Christians and christian/catholic churches that “being gay is NOT a sin”.

    I think you have much to offer, and I also believe that Matthew might even be interested in having you two speak one night at his training event. I cannot promise that, but I strongly encourage you to get a hold of Matthew. You can reach him through their website at http://reformationproject.org or by visiting their Facebook page at http://www.fb.com/reformationproject.

    Regarding myself, I am now in seminary studying to be a Catholic priest (Independent jurisdiction NOT affiliated with the Roman Church – their are many Catholic churches other than Roman) and serve a small Catholic community which is inclusive which welcomes everyone regardless of who they are or their station in life, whether gay or straight, rich or poor, married or single or celibate.

    I also am the founder of The Kristen Center, a not for project interfaith organization providing and delivery programs and services to those with HIV/AIDS and those who care for them.

    I truly believe Jesus would say to you both “Well done my good and faithful servants” (Matt 25:21)

    Peace,
    Bro Jeff
    Rev Brother Jeffery Wolfe, M.Div. (Candidate)
    Director
    St John XXIII Pastoral & Outreach Center – ACCUS
    a parish of the American Catholic Church in the United States (ACCUS)
    317-238-9393 (parish office)
    http://www.stjohnxxiiipoc.org
    http://www.fb.com/StJohnXXIIIPOC

    Executive Director
    The Kristen Center
    317-520-3036 (office)
    http://www.thekristencenter.com
    http://www.fb.com/TheKristenCenter

    • Thank you, Brother Jeffery! Thank you for your kind words, blessings, and suggestions! Right now we are just trying to gather our wits…and learn how to fit blogging into our already busy lives..and to keep listening to Jesus. But we are working with someone to help us sort out the invitations and suggestions…and so we’ll put this on the list!! 🙂 May God bless you with His grace, peace and mercy in abundance!

    • Thank you Brother Jeffery for some most helpful information.

11. Linda, I just told my mother about my relationship and about what you wrote. I wish there were an easy way to translate it to Chinese because it would be really encouraging to her, Google Translate doesn’t do it justice. I want to thank you for your support. I know this is a difficult thing for parents, and I think my mom is trying to wrap her head around this. I wish there were a way for you ladies to encourage each other, as I am most likely going to be a source of stress and worry for her. Don’t know if there’s a way to get in touch, but it’s definitely appreciated. Thank you!

    • Andrew, does she speak Mandarin? Bet we could find someone in my FaceBook friends who would translate it for us! Much love to you, new friend!!

12. I have followed this conversation with interest and have read ALL of the posts. I see quite a few people who are struggling to accept themselves and others who are struggling to reconcile what they have been taught about homosexuality with their love and concern for their children.

    First, there is a wealth of information easily available on the internet and in books about the latest thinking about homosexuality and the soul-searching that is going on in religious circles about it. There are many churches (and synagogues) that accept gay people and celebrate same-sex unions. They have heard it all before, from gay people and their families, and they are more than willing to help. If you are thinking that perhaps those churches are of the devil, I would recommend to you the words of Jesus: By their fruits you shall know them. Go to these churches and see for yourself that the fruits of the spirit are there: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If you will compare these fruits with what is so often preached from the pulpits of hateful churches, you may come to your own conclusions about which is a better exemplar of what Jesus taught.

    Second, it might be helpful to think about how we deal with people who divorce their spouses. Jesus never said a word about homosexuality or homosexuals, but he did say, What god has joined together let no man put asunder. Do we hear divorced people demeaned, disparaged, and scolded from the pulpit? Not all that often. Do we judge our divorced neighbors? Hardly ever. What about when our own children divorce? Few of us would make them outcasts. Yet we do all these things to gay people, whom Jesus himself did not condemn. He did, however, condemn the religious authorities of his day: But woe to you, scribes and pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. The kingdom of heaven has been slammed shut repeatedly in gay people’s faces. Even if you think homosexuality is sinful, please consider how you treat other ‘sinners’ and then remember that thing about judging. Jesus said those words too.

    I was myself a convert to christianity, but the witness of christians made me an atheist, because I couldn’t understand how people who profess to believe in god, and to worship god, and who pray to him, thy will be done, can be perpetrators of such cruelty. If their god led them to do these things, he was either a false god, the devil himself, or simply the wickedness of hateful people veiled in sanctimony.

    There are enough examples in this comment thread alone to convince anyone of the harm that has been done and is still being done by religious teachings that people are afraid to question. Please question them!

    Gay people have largely deserted the churches because life is hard enough without having to deal with spiritual harrassment too, so it will be up to you folks, the straight christians who are willing to change, to be a true witness. I’ve been thinking about the word metanoia, a relic from my christian past. As I recall it means a transformative change of heart. If the churches cannot undergo a transformative change of heart about gay people, they may well end up on the scrap-heap of ideas that failed.

13. Hi Linda,
    This post stirred up quite a bit of emotion for me, as I could have written much of this story myself, from Ryan’s perspective. Words cannot begin to express the pain, anger, hurt, self loathing, etc. that comes from family members and Churches reacting as you have described. I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to change me, and he didn’t. This also led me to make some very unwise choices; I’m lucky I never became a Law & Order SVU episode. I hated myself so much I didn’t care what happened to me. I became so angry and bitter and because of how I was treated, and that has impacted my life in any number of negative ways. My family eventually learned the lesson you did, and I have forgiven them. Most days I’m okay; some days, like the other day when I read your post, I’m reminded of the painful times and I get angry and hurt and have to forgive everyone all over again.

    The only thing I can say is this…I recently became an aunt to the most amazing little guy in the world. The moment I saw him I fell in love. And no matter what his future holds, no matter if he wants to date men or women or both, if he tells us some day he thinks he’s really meant to be a woman…whatever….his aunt loves him and is always proud of him. Just because he breathes.

    • Ellen…You’ve been on quite a journey…a very painful one. No wonder that pain gets triggered again. And wow…what a blessing to have a nephew to love just because he breathes!! There is no gift like that of a child. 🙂

14. I hope that all those reading this article notice that following an idea of what God wants is not always following God. We have to look at faith in perspective to the world we now live in. Never in the bible does it say deny yourself to the point of self hatred. If Jesus wants you to love your neighbor then you must also be able to love yourself. You must love yourself first. I wish religion wasn’t trapped in an all or nothing mentality. Jesus came to say that things had changed. The old testament world was no longer the world they were living in and we must look for the times that rules must changein our own world in the same way that Jesus himself did. We don’t live in that world anymore and in a world full if hatred and killing I doubt God is caught up with caring about the genitals attached to the person you fall in love with.

15. Thank you for sharing. Prior to coming out i was very active in the church but i would have to be honest and say i was only performing as a christian like we taught to preform. Yes i had accepted Jesus when i was 8 and it was sincere. In high school the youth group taught me how to act like a christian and have my quiet times. it taught me how to preform in front of the others in youth group in order to be accepted in there group. They did not know I had a secret and i did not share it or act on it until i was over 35 yrs old. It was not until i came out of the closest that my love for God grew. Yes i lost all my Christian friends which were the majority of who all my friends were but i would lose them all again for the relationship with God i gained.
    Looking back I understand why my relationship with God grew after coming out and that is because all those yrs i carried my secret and tried to live a straight life yet i knew God knew i was living a lie, i was a fraud. It was my lie that was keeping me away from God because i knew he knew. Once my secret was out God and I had nothing between us that could separate me from his love and my new formed love for him. God truly was the greatest gift i got when i came out. I think what the hardest part of coming out was having people ask. Now that you are gay does that mean you no longer believe in God? All i can say is now that i have come out I know and can feel God loves me back and i am no longer preforming because my love and relationship with God is now Real.

    • WOW!! What a beautiful, amazing and insightful testimony! Thank you for sharing, Michele!

16. Your story really touched me because I am also gay, and also named Ryan. I struggled with my sexuality for years and trying to reconcile it with my faith. At 17, I drove to the river and sat in my car, mentally preparing myself to drive in. When I had said my goodbyes in my head, I decided it was time. At that moment, my brother called just to tell me he loved me. No other agenda and we discussed nothing else. He just wanted me to know that I was loved.

    I came out. I was, in many ways, rejected by my family and friends. But 15 years later, wounds have healed and relationships have mended. In time, I married my partner. A year later, we had a little boy, who we are raising to love God and to accept himself, in all of his glory.

    I ache for your loss. I can’t imagine the devastation of losing a child. But I am so thankful that you choose to share your story, and to use Ryan’s struggles to help so many. The work your doing will change so many lives and will lead to self acceptance and healing.

    God bless you and your family.

    • Ryan…I can tell you and Jeremy are going to love your boy JUST BECAUSE HE BREATHES!! Thank GOD your brother called you on that night!!

      • Dear Ryan. If that phone call from your brother was not an istrument in GOD’s Hands, I don’t know what is. I believe that that was GOD reaching out through your brother saying “I love you” and in your brothers words affirming the same. For GOD IS LOVE. NOT SO? I’m actually crying now….

17. Heart wrenching. I’m so sorry for your loss and the trials you all endured and are still enduring. When I came out to my parents, I could see the discomfort in their eyes, and recieved the “this is just a stage” line from my mother. It hurt, as it wasn’t a stage, and is just who I am. Over time my parents have come to completely accept and love me for who I am. They’re both very close with my partner, in fact I’ve joked often with him how much more it seems my mom texts and talks to him than to me! The other day when the Supreme Court ruled that Californians could get married, and overturned DOMA, I had text my mom. I was having a particularly lousy day, but said “…on flip side I’m recognized as a regular person in California :)”. She wrote back “Congrats you’ve always been regular in my eyes”. That small line was probably the most reassuring and nicest thing anyone has EVER said to me. Its amazing, the power of words, and how an 8 lined sentence reduced me to tears. I’m sorry for your loss and pain, but the acceptance you gave your son for those 10 months gave him strength and comfort. Always keep that close to your heart, and may the words you provide to others help them come to terms that we should all love those around us “just because they breathe”.

18. I’m a gay man and came from a devoutly Christian family. When I was young they were evangelicals and many of my cousins are church pastors and evangelists. With all of this devout faith, there is no room in their heart of gay people. They judge, they loathe and their parallel life is to be republican office holders. I’m 49 years old now and happy. I have a partner and reconciled my faith in God and my belief in Jesus Christ. My parents were much the same, not too positive on me being gay in the beginning, but to their credit they came around first for their love for me, their love for God and as you put it, one day for them gay and Christ co-existed. It was not an easy road especially, but they made it and observed no matter what to this day God has blessed me generously. So how could I be separate from God?

    I’m so sorry about Ryan. I’m so proud of you that you made some thing really good out of something deeply sad. I shared your words with my elderly mother and she cried and wondered how can a faith leave so many people behind because she knows and I know that Jesus would not leave me or leave Ryan. Both my parents always include my partner now, and after reading your words they seem more committed to both of us. It came at a cost for my Dad because his family, so deeply committed to their “faith” disowned my father for supporting me and told him plainly I would be going to hell. My father does not believe that and neither do I. Some how we all feel Jesus in our lives more than ever, and my life seems filled with the purpose of this spirit. I hope that not one more gay kid would ever feel they are not “perfectly made” , each made to love God, and to love and be loved on this earth and most importantly a child of a most loving King of Kings. I have had a wonderful life as its turned out, and somehow I was saved. Thank you again and for parents out there listen to Ryan’s parents and know that we are made as intended, their young hearts are beautiful and their souls should be supported to soar.

    For Ryan, and I absolutely believe this, that the absence of the body is presence with God. He is with God, and someday in heaven I hope I can be a friend and tell him that your life made a difference, all was not lost, and much was gained because you “breathed”.

    • WOW!! Daniel..I am in AWE of your parents…you are all mutually blessed to have each other!! And I AMENED loudly when I read what you wrote, “Some how we all feel Jesus in our lives more than ever, and my life seems filled with the purpose of this spirit. I hope that not one more gay kid would ever feel they are not “perfectly made,” each made to love God, and to love and be loved on this earth and most importantly a child of a most loving King of Kings.” We share your hope and prayer, Daniel!!

19. I saw this story on facebook today and it broke my heart because its what I fear is going to happen to me. I am not religious but my daughter came out very young and I probably knew before that. Always had many gay friends and assumed I was totally accepting. I look back now though and see the comments I made about being more feminine and such. I was always accepting but not understanding, I guess. Think I tried to influence her thinking I was trying to help but only hurt her more.
    Now my daughter at 17 has been on and off drugs for years. She recently got outof rehab and slipped after I thought we were headed on right track. I was wrong and she is gone again leaving her first job and all the progress made. Its only been 2 days this time so far but that call is what I wait for each time she is gone.
    I know I am not the only one at fault it is society in general that makes these kids feel less than others. She is the nicest kid and gets along with everyone but she still seeks acceptance and love from others and too blind too see the groups she is with may look like they care but its all about the drugs.
    It is good to hear others stories, it makes you take a step back and realize your not alone in this. Ps sorry for all the typos, its hard to type on these kindles. But thank you for sharing your journey.

    • Janene – You sound like a GREAT mom. A REAL mom…and one who loves her daughter so very, very much. My heart aches for you, and for your beautiful girl…this world is so hard on girls…and even harder on girls who are also gay. 😦 MUCH harder. I wish we could cover her heart in bubble-wrap until she was through her teenage years! I will pray that she will know, with all of her heart, that she IS perfect, and that God loves her deeply, as do YOU. Drugs are so scary…I just started reading another book on rehab/recovery, with a desire to learn more about how our country can better treat this epidemic. Heavy sigh. I fear we’re not doing a very good job right now. But I do know this..God NEVER left Ryan, nor did He remove His protection from Ryan, EVER. Even when Ryan was so very angry at God that he rejected God entirely. When Ryan came back, he told us that he knew that there was only ONE reason he was still alive (he had tried to end his life many times), and it was because GOD would not allow him to die. He believed that God had a reason for his life, though Ryan couldn’t fathom what it could be. Wow…writing that now, it seems so clear to me. If Ryan had died while he was estranged from us, and we hadn’t had those ten months to completely reconcile and to FULLY communicate our love for him – and to fall in love with his boyfriend…and to learn so very, very much…well, I don’t think I would have ever written that little piece that has somehow been shared over and over again.
      Anyway…I believe that God will NEVER leave your daughter’s side…and that He will always be with her, loving her, redeeming the harm done to her, and continually working to make her ever more into the woman He has created her to be. Much love to you…and I will pray for your daughter tonight, my friend!

20. My heart feels and rejoices for you and your family. But most of all thankful that your son trusted you enough to tell you he was gay. I truly believe that God prepared you for that moment and during the next coming months as you leaned closer to Him. All along understanding the true meaning of unconditional love . I (we) are living in this new choice of life with our daughter. I have been praying for God to open doors so that we can educate, encourage others how to love unconditionally. I would love for you to contact us so that we can talk and help others understand the peace that passes all understanding Phil 4:7 HIS timing

    • We are sure that you are being overwhelmed with replies. Would there be anyway that you could privately reach out to us? We feel very strongly that God is about to open new doors through our experience. My husbands and I don’t want to start a club, but want to go out as we are commanded and to share Gods unconditional love. To challenge and walk along aside them in freedom. In HIS timing

      • Lynn…I will include you in an email I am sending out to many people who emailed me before this blog was started…it will give you a better idea of how we’re hoping and praying that God will use this!

21. Mr & Mrs Robertson what a sad & tragic story. Read Romans 8:38-39. It gives us an understanding of Gods love NO matter what! Thank you for sharing.

22. I am not gay, nor do I have a gay child…but I related to your story because of its overwhelming story of love for your child, your family and your faith. I’ve posted it onto my Facebook page and hope my friends take the time to read it and watch the beautiful video (you ARE perfect, Ryan). I am so moved by your understanding that God loves each of us, totally, and yes, we are all perfect in His eyes. Thank you for sharing your story.

23. Dear Mr. And Mrs. Robertson,
    I am a high school teacher and the sponsor of our school’s gay/straight alliance. There are so many teens that are having heartbreaking difficulty with this very situation. Thank you for your honesty. I will share this with them, and perhaps they in turn will share it with their parents. Your words, coupled with Ryan’s story will make a real and profound difference in some people’s lives, and in turn, the world. Thank you for that.

    Cori

    • Thank you, Cori, for what you do!! I know that you are a lifeline – literally – for many of those kids!!

24. Heartbreaking story. It touched my heart from the first sentence right through. I’m 19 years of age and a few months ago my parents found out about me. They completely hated the thought of me being attracted to the same sex. They now think I’m involved with my ex girlfriend, but I’m not. I’m thinking of telling them the truth, which will most definitely break my mother, but I just have to tell them I’m still the same. This story inspired me. It really did. I just pray to God that my parents will see my point of view. I pray that they’ll accept me. Pray they don’t throw me out of the house or disown me. I’m scared. I’m in tears right now. Don’t know which way to turn. What to do. Or if I should still breath. I felt like taking my own life, but that’s even a greater sin. Does God still love me for who I am? Why did he create me like this if he knew it was a sin? Please help.

    • Just sent you a private email…please look for it. I am praying for you…Praying that you will KNOW that YES, God loves you EXACTLY as you are…HE MADE YOU!! Look for my email…and know that we are praying. I so wish I could hug you. XOXOXOXOX

    • I know how you feel on so many levels my friend, and I must encourage you that it does get better. It can very hard coming to term with his, especially with how it relates to the people who mean the world to you but just know that God’s love you even more and he loves them enough to ensure that they will love you too. God created you just the way you are, and guess what, He made you more beautiful than you can even begin to see right now. Your life is not a sin, your life is a gift, a gift that is ready to be revealed to the world and given joy you and other’s cant even comprehend. Looking back on my own life I was shocked with the low I was able to get, but do know that there is nowhere to go but up. HE ALWAYS has you in his hands. If you were such a mistake you would not exist. God saw that there was not one of you in this world so He made YOU. Exactly the way you are and I am sure that he has a marvelous purpose in your life and that whatever happens He will be with you every step of the way.

      • “If you were such a mistake you would not exist. God saw that there was not one of you in this world so He made YOU.” WOW. Perfectly said. I will be using this point of view in my own life.

    • Sending love your way boomerang. I know the feelings you are in, I have been there. Just know it gets better. As Linda talked about in her testimony of Ryan and their story. Walk by faith not by fear. God made you just the way you were meant to be. God loves you. I pray for you and your family.

      John 16:33 “I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

      Don’t give up kid. No matter what. Keep your head up and know you are loved.

25. To Rob and Linda,
    I love you both for stepping up and showing to many others WHAT LOVE IS!!! I only wish others were as loving as you. Through you ordeal you learned to LOVE your Son, not because he was your gay son but because he was your Son period. You showed your love for him, even if not in the best way possible you did it because you love him. I only wish other parents could do the this with their gay children. My name is Stevie Ray, I am a gay man who is nearly 30 years old. My whole life I tried my best to hide who I was and to make those around me proud of me. I even married a woman after 3 years of dating her. We met at our church where I was a youth leader, and praise and worship leader. Like your son I played guitar and loved being part of our church. But I wasn’t happy, I constantly struggled with the belief that I was a terrible being and shouldn’t be allowed to be kept alive. I often wished for pain and death. After many years I came out. My wife and I divorced and to this day I still haven’t forgiven myself for every marrying her and quite possibly destroying her life by going through a divorce. I later found the love of my life, his name is Sean. We have been together now for 3 years. He was raised as a Jehovah Witness and when he came out he was kicked out of his home onto the streets. My family and I no longer speak as when we do I am simply brow beaten with a bible. I miss them! I have often turned to drugs and alcohol as a means of escape as well as Sean. We wish to get married someday, legally. I know my family would not attend such a union. I do miss them, but learned that they simply made me feel bitter towards God. I don’t to feel the way I feel. You are wonderful parents, don’t ever forget that!!! Seeing the videos and reading this blog has absolutely tore me to pieces tonight, but perhaps it is for a good reason. I wish you all the best in all that is to come in life. And congratulations on being at peace and a loving family!

    • Stevie, thank you so much for honoring us with your story. I am so sorry your experience with God has been so damaging…and that now the Bible is used to attack you, rather than to communicate God’s immense love for you. My prayer is that both you and Sean can, together, seek God and know Him – truly, without all the religious trappings – for yourselves, and know the love that is greater than any other. XOXOXOX

      • Thank you

26. Speechless and in tears. Humbled by your bravery. I ended a friendship with a very close friend because she still thinks my son (after sending her some other interpretations of the Bible) is a sinner and going to hell. (The decision was easy – friend or son, hmmm, I pick son!) One of the things she wrote in her reply to me was that if she had a gay child, she would assure them she loved them, but point them to the cross. If I thought she would read this, I would send it to her.

27. I have acquaintances/friends who are gay. I have always believed that we love first. How do you get passed “love the sinner, hate the sin” and the Scriptures about homosexuality. I know that this blog is not where you can talk extensively. But can you direct me to what your thoughts are, especially to the Scriptures references about homosexuality, particularly in the N.T.? Example Romans 1:26-27 1 Corinthian 6:9 Thank you for sharing. Saw your post on Facebook.

    • Star…we keep getting this question, and so I can actually get some sleep one of these days (and answer the hundreds of unreplied to emails that are making me crazy with guilt), I am going to blog about that today! So…Coming soon!!

28. I am writing this with tears in my eyes, as my heart is breaking for your family. I commend for you being so brave to put out your story. It is very sad to think people would criticize or condemn you, when the whole point of you putting this out there is to show the mistakes you made (and to keep other parents from making those same mistakes)! What is the saying, “we can only do better, if we know better”?! NO ONE can fault you for doing at the time what you believed was best for your son, whom it is very obvious you loved with all your heart. I am a fairly new parent, as I have a 2 year old daughter. Thank you for your courage to put your family’s story out to the world, as I know your words will forever effect me and the raising of my daughter.

    • Bless you, Amy, for your GRACE!!

29. When my daughter told my wife and I that she was gay, we told her we loved her, that it doesn’t matter who she loves, and we just want her to be happy. I then asked her what she wanted for dinner.
    As an atheist, I’m free to base my morality on love, empathy and reason rather than the arbitrary dicta of a capricious god. As a result, my daughter is a happy and healthy lesbian and I’m so incredibly proud of her.

30. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing Ryan’s story and your story. My children are still small so I have no idea the challenges that may come our way but you have definitely given me something to think about. I appreciate your willingness to allow God to use you in this way. May God bless you abundantly as you continue to share the love of God.
    Your sister in Christ,
    Jenn

31. If you truly love your son you will have the courage to tell him in a loving way that what he is doing is not only wrong but will hurt him. Believing in a behavior that is harmful is not acting in faith. Faith is continuing to do what is right even if the world condemns it even if it is unpopular because one knows that God will reward the person in the end. Faith is continuing to do what is right even when circumstances occur that prompts one to quit. The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin. Anyone who states otherwise is simply misleading people

    • Chikexyz, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I disagree that loving our son would have looked the way you describe, though…God clearly showed us that He did not want us to do ANYTHING other than love him. And we are so thankful He was so clear – over and over again – with both my husband and I. It had nothing to do with doing what is “popular” or “unpopular”…it had everything to do with our obedience to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

32. I am blown away by your story…and first, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t imagine your pain.

    I am grateful – both for you and your son – that you came to love and accept him while he was still breathing. This is a testament to your faith, really. The work of God alive in you which makes your story also beautiful. And it touches me this morning as I reflect on my own coming out experience with my parents 25 years ago in my very Catholic family. My parents reaction was similar to yours, and my response somewhat similar to your sons’ although it unfolded gradually over the years. I find that I continue to heal and grow from it after all this time. And I have a much deeper, real connection with God.

    I am almost 10 years sober and almost 20 years in a committed – now I can officially say – marriage. My parents have come to love and accept me, and my partner, just as much as my other siblings who are straight. The journey has been painful at times but for the last 15 years or so, very warm and embracing.

    You probably know this but I want to tell you how remarkable it is that your son died knowing you loved him. I don’t care how old a “child” is – and I believe this is particularly true for gay people – there is nothing like knowing that your parents really love you. And it is so clear that you deeply loved him. You were successful parents. And you still are because you have the courage to touch other people’s kids. Even when they are your peers.

    • Your last paragraph made me cry – grateful tears, Ali. You said it so well…what I was trying to explain to another mom/commenter on this blog. Had Ryan died thinking “Well, they love me, BUT…” I think I would be in a psych ward somewhere. I would definitely not be in a good place. God knew what we needed…and though we have regrets, we know that we know that we know that HE knew he was loved just because he breathed. Love to you, Ali!

33. I have sympathy for your loss. But I have hatred for your putting conditions on your love for your son. While you said you would always love him, you said he could never have your love and have a sexual and romantic relationship. You were wrong to mislead Ryan into believing his being gay was against his faith. Everything I understand about Jesus and his teaching has nothing to do with sexuality. Passages which are used to condemn those like Ryan were referring to pagan religious practices between men without mention of their natural sexual orientation. People during Old Testament times had no understanding of natural homosexual attraction. You will have to live with the knowledge that Ryan would still be alive if you had given him the freedom to explore his sexuality and his faith for himself. Each person must be free to find their own path in life. I was raised in a Catholic home but I am no longer a Catholic because the Church teaches hatred for those which do not share its view of Jesus teachings. It condemns people and their lives for its selective list of sins while ignoring others as no longer important. You are not at fault for his death but you are at fault for not researching the teachings of your faith for yourselves. Ryan paid the price for your narrowness of vision with regard to your faith. I am an atheist today because many Christians insist on focusing almost exclusively on condemnation of homosexuality while closing their eyes to the needs of our fellow human beings. If we are really beings of spirit rather than flesh than surely God sent us here in our human form to learn from life of limited years.

    • David, I am confused…did you not read the entire blog? I feel completely misunderstood.

    • David, I must agree with Linda. Did you even read her blog? Or did you simply skim a few sentences and pull the trigger on a confusing reply that frankly sounds ridiculous at best, or even uninformed, bigoted, hurtful and hateful. Yes. and non-Christians can be bigoted too, with a preconceived, prejudiced notion of what’s in someone else’s heart, completely lacking in compassion and empathy.

      Wow, where do I even start? Jesus actually did speak several places about sexuality, but that is certainly not the focus of this reply.
      You have no knowledge of where their beautiful, beloved son would be had any thing been different; any assertion that anything is their fault, or that some prediction can be made if something would have been different is simply unfair, and frankly a hateful thing to say to grieving parents who are reaching out to share their hurt in attempt to help others and share love in an incredibly strong way.

      Clearly having been “raised in a Catholic home” is no qualifier for one to speak for the Church. You either have forgotten, or were very poorly catechized – the Catholic Church doesn’t “teach hatred” for anyone. Her position has always been one of “hate the sin, but love the sinner,” but always quick to remind us that the one of us without sin should cast the first stone. We are not a shrine for saints, but rather a hospital for sinners. The woman kneeling next to me who cheated on her husband, the guy behind me who lied to his boss or to the IRS, and even the priest who drove after having an extra beer with his friends are as sinful as any one else. We do not stand in judgement or condemnation of each others’ failings – that is God’s place alone. Salvation is between the Creator and His creation; there is no way to know someone else’s heart.

      We are called to embrace those we disagree with, and those we have a hard time understanding. This is the unconditional love that allows us to leave our burdens at the cross, and in so doing, to lead others to do the same. We are all sinners, and our God’s judgement is His alone. We are called to lead each other to Him by example, and to support and foster that relationship.

      Everyone is on a different journey, and most of us try very hard to do the very best that we can, especially if we are parents. This blog, and life itself, is full of crappy parents, but again, most did the best they could with the knowledge they had. Hindsight is always 2020, and we all make horrible mistakes. Gay people make mistakes also. The frontal lobe doesn’t even kick in until after age 20 in most humans (maybe never in some people), and poor judgements abound. Society, and it’s changing, demanding, confusing cultural norms, with horrible peer pressures are as much to fault as any parent could possibly be.

      I humbly remind each of us to look closely in the mirror. Narrowness of vision begets arrogance and may indeed be our own.

      People who “lose their faith” because some other Christian fell down confound me. A parent, a minister, a priest, a teacher, a spouse, or just some dude you are watching for a moment – these people are just that – people, human beings, with all the sinful imperfections we also have. We fall down, and we try to get up. In fact, God did not create us as perfect, none of us. All we can do is our best – to try to be the best versions of ourselves, but we all fail miserably every day. But to lose our faith because someone else is an imperfect person failing to be a Christian, or a Hindu, or a Jew, or a Buddhist is absurd. That’s like being in a group walking to Cleveland, and giving us because someone read the map wrong. The map is still very correct, but some of us have torn ours when we last fell, gotten it wet with our tears, or desperately need glasses and our dad failed to get us the right prescription.

      Differences create tension, and this is good. Tension gives incentive to make progress. No one walks in our own shoes, and we walk this Camino alone. Hopefully we can respect each other enough to walk this journey side by side, praying together and for each other. Much Love.

      • I did read the entire post, did you? Linda admits that she made Ryan chose between Jesus and being a sexual person. She admits that she gave him freedom to explore his faith in other areas except his sexuality. She admits they accepted and adored his uncle, her brother. She did not say that her brother did not have a sexual relationship with a man. I read the story of “Prayers for Bobby” too. And like Linda his mother had her son pray for God to cure him. Like her son, Bobby died because he could not accept himself. Linda told Ryan he was not gay and he did not know what his sexuality was for six long years.

        “We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible – the Word of God – should say”

        “We love you. We will ALWAYS love you… But we know what God says about this…”

        “We love you. We couldn’t love you more. But God has worked to change desires.”

        “We love you. We are so glad you are our son. BUT the feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet.”

        “We love you. Nothing will change that. BUT you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.”

        “So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. But nothing changed. God didn’t answer his prayer – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.”

        “Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality.”

        “Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. He would never have the chance to fall in love, have his first kiss, hold hands, share intimacy and companionship or experience romance.”

        “We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.”

        So, although his parents, after a year and 6 months of no contact, finally accepted Ryan as GAY and would love him even with 15 boyfriends, Ryan had to ask if they could love him because HE doubted their love. What did I not understand? These were HIS parents beliefs and HIS questions.

        “Over the next ten months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whoever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing.”

        “Though Ryan had suffered such severe brain damage that he had almost complete paralysis, (as a result of his overdose) the doctors told us that he could very well outlive us. But, unexpectedly, Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son…”

        “What we had wished for…prayed for…hoped for…that we would NOT have a gay son, came true. But not at all in the way we used to envision.”

        God may have answered their prayers. But HIS answer was to teach them a lesson in humility. To not be arrogant enough to believe that humans can KNOW what is in the mind and heart of GOD. Human language is too imprecise and limited with too many different ones which can not be translated without miscommunication of ideas and concepts.

        A Minister I respect from Texas, Jim Rigby, was trying to explain why Jesus was misunderstood to be opposed to Homosexuality because of mistranslation of the original Hebrew and Greek text. The individual responded that GOD chose English now as HIS language. And that Nobody speaks Hebrew and Greek except Jews and Greeks.

        Jim Rigby said, “The final idols that Isaiah would rescue us from are idols of the will. These are when the rules of our religion replace the sense of responsibility and we oppress another person so we don’t get in trouble and we think we are innocent. When the rules of a religion replace the responsibility to treat every person the way Christ would treat them, then we have an idol. That idol is a problem.

        Now, Thomas Paine used to call this Tyranny of the Dead. That is the belief that the dead should be able to outvote the living. We are responsible before Christ in how we treat every person we ever meet.”

        Khalil Gibran’s poem about children.
        “ And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, ‘Speak to us of children’, and the prophet said ‘Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth’.”

        Jim Rigby said, “In the Westminster Confession of Faith, it essentially says that we have a duty to honor the right of conscience, and not to give that responsibility over to any human agency, which would include the church. In other words, the reformers felt that conscience and taking responsibility for our lives was so important that a person should study Scripture for guidance, then refuse to be coerced by any human agency, and to speak prophetically what their conscience feels to be true.”

        Well, let me share with you my comments at the Pflugerville School Board meeting: To the members of the Pflugerville ISD, my name is
        Jim Rigby. I am pastor of St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church on Wells Branch Parkway (we didn’t have any broken windows). I’ve
        come here tonight to thank you for your recent decision to offer domestic partnership rights to all the people who serve schools in our community. I understand there are clergy in our area who oppose your decision. I respect my Christian brothers and sisters and affirm their religious liberty to say publicly what they believe to be true. Where I disagree with them is when they believe they have a right to force their religious interpretation into the public sphere and to deny others the same rights they would claim for themselves.

        My understanding of Christianity is fundamentally different from my brothers and sisters who believe homosexuality is a sin. I’ve never found any teaching of Jesus that prohibits homosexuality (at this point there were some hisses and booing). But I have found plenty that tell me not to judge my neighbor. I have a direct commandment from my Savior to treat my neighbors the way I want to be treated, and when my
        neighbors are attacked unjustly I feel I have a duty to rise to their side. When my Christian brothers and sisters attack my gay and
        lesbian brothers and sisters, when they constantly criticize their families, when they demean the faithful love these people have for one another, when they come into this public sphere to deny domestic partnership benefits because they don’t approve of how my brothers and sisters live, they are not exercising their own religious liberty , they are infringing on the liberty of others.

        Earlier today the Defense of Marriage Act prohibiting same sex marriage was struck down as unconstitutional in a federal appeals court. This
        was inevitable. One indispensable element of our American democracy is inalienable rights. Inalienable means they can’t be put up for a
        vote. Our Declaration of Independence says, every person was born with inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Every
        person in this room has rights that cannot be overridden no matter what the majority says. So we are not discriminating against the majority
        when we insist that the unpopular minority receive the same rights as everyone else.

        I wish the church would stand up for persecuted minorities. But because we often don’t, and since we sometimes are even the source of persecution, I’m glad there are those of you here who stand up for all the people who live and work in our community. Jesus once summarized his entire teaching as being a good neighbor. I’ve come here tonight because, by offering the same rights to all the people who work in our schools, you have been a good neighbor. And as one who attempts to follow Jesus, I wanted to say thank you. (congregational applause)

        Jim Rigby said, “I wish you had been there in Mercedes, Texas yesterday at our Presbytery meeting. We have had this struggle over the gay and lesbian issue which has been a blood bath for decades. This brilliant, young, gay man comes before the Presbytery. Now he is not being ordained at this time, so you don’t open up the shooting gallery yet, but I have seen people be devoured at that point. He says that he feels a calling to minister to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth. He is going to be working for Presbytery Welcome, which has that as its ministry. They ask if there are any questions. The Presbytery votes to approve. Then this little, gentle applause starts and all of a sudden people are standing because they realize what has just happened. I am not saying everybody agreed with it; maybe some of the people didn’t even know what was happening. But what had happened was our denomination at this Presbytery voted on somebody’s character and not the external factors of their life. For the first time in my thirty years at the Presbytery, we voted on the fruits of the spirit and not the laws of the flesh. We are getting some place.” (congregational applause)

        • David…I am only going to correct one thing. I am far too upset to do anything else.

          You said, “So, although his parents, after a year and 6 months of no contact, finally accepted Ryan as GAY and would love him even with 15 boyfriends, Ryan had to ask if they could love him because HE doubted their love. What did I not understand? These were HIS parents beliefs and HIS questions.”

          HERE is what you don’t understand. You missed my line about the terrible things Ryan had done while using, David. Ryan didn’t ask us if we could love him because he doubted our love for him as a gay man. It was because during the 18 months he was using, he sent us vile, angry messages disowning us. He broke into our home, left a bloody mess throughout our house, and stole all of his sibling’s Christmas gifts, along with many other things. He threatened to kill us. He committed countless crimes in order to support his habit. He knew that his sisters both dealt with PTSD after those months of living in fear. And most of all, he knew that we were worried sick every day that he was missing. Ryan, without drugs, would have NEVER done those things. NEVER. When he called us, he was FILLED with guilt and shame and fear that we would not forgive him. Ryan was an addict…and addicts do terrible things in order to get their fixes…because they have a disease. MOST addicts live with shame and guilt because of what they have done in order to keep using. The REAL Ryan was the most loving, loyal, caring young man I have ever known. NO WONDER HE FELT GUILT AND NEEDED TO BE REASSURED OF OUR LOVE! That had NOTHING to do with being gay!

          David, I don’t know if you have ever had a child who you would die for – in a heartbeat – a child whom you love so fiercely it cannot be described…but I have lost that child, and I am a grieving mother. If you continue to accuse me of things without sensitivity for my feelings as Ryan’s mom, you are disrespecting Ryan. Ryan would be FURIOUS if he knew what you were saying. FURIOUS. He would be angry that I have even allowed you to continue posting on this blog. Ryan was our BIGGEST champion and fan. You don’t have to believe that. But I have pages of Ryan’s own emails, letters and notes telling me that. And I have Ryan’s closest friends and family who will ALL – without exception – tell you that he would have done ANYTHING to protect me. So please, do not further disrespect Ryan’s memory, or me as a mother by accusing me of things you do not understand. Thank you, in advance, for respecting that.

34. I may have seemed too hateful in my original post. I do not mean to. I am angry at those that preach hate for people different from themselves. Many people believed that God damned whole races of people and justified it using their reading of scripture to defend slavery. Still others justified opposition to interracial dating and marriage using their interpretation of scripture to support it. These people of faith use scripture to control women and treat them as less than equal with the men in their lives and in society. Even to this day, fathers give their daughters away in marriage as if the young women were the property of their father. Marriage was traditionally treated as more a business merger of two families than a matter of love between two people. I believe people of faith can look at having a gay child as a test of their ability to love without condition. Ryan knew at 12 that was gay, or more likely always knew, he was different from most other boys. He merely told you at 12 because he believed it was wrong to lie in fact a sin. Thou shalt not lie. Or bear false witness. Boy Scouts are taught that being Honest and Trustworthy are a value to all Scouts and yet a young man like Ryan must lie or conceal their being gay to remain a Scout. No less than two commandments common to all three major faiths condemn lying while not one condemns homosexuality. People of faith believe abortion is a sin even in cases of rape and would force victims to give birth but they refuse to help pay for the costs to raise these children. If the mothers were to keep the child the state would force her to allow her rapist to remain in the child’s life because his parental rights remain. All states have age of consent laws to protect children from unwanted sexual contact because we do not believe they are mature enough to make the decisions. But even so there is an exception for activity between two young adults of similar ages. We teach responsibility and to be safe but do not treat as a crime. Parents can teach them its wise to wait but its not illegal. Just as its a crime to force to make an opposite sex person it must be for same sex. I have heard it said that allowing homosexual relationships will threaten society but I have not heard such remarks for adultery or divorce. Adultery can lead to divorce but it does not lead to prison either. Your rejection of Ryan lead to his depression and self hatred and drug abuse too. while you later accepted him your earlier failure still wounded his soul. His loss will stay with you. And I feel very sorry for your pain.

    • In response to David, July 7, 2013
      (and to any other’s who wish to pass judgement on Ryan’s parents)
      Please read my post below:

      I know some of you want simple answers as to why this young man passed on early. And the easiest and least accurate is to blame his parents, who never stopped loving their son at any point in their journey. Life is far more complicated than we may like, and with that in mind I offer the following observations, which I hope will help you understand why it is wrong to “blame the parents”.

      There are so many factors that go into such a loss that no one factor can be said to be the only one. Let me give you examples of such factors. Did you know that once a child is past the age of five or six that the peer influence increases while parental influence decreases? This remains true through adolescence (there’s plenty of info out there…Google it for more). And did you know that adolescence in our culture is widely believed to last up to ten years? This means for some people as late as their early to mid 20’s. And that this information is really relevant to understanding teen decision making? Here are quotes from a Harvard Pediatric Neuroscientist regarding the teen brain:

      “I watched my child morph into another being, and yet I knew deep down inside it was the same Andrew,” Jensen says. Suddenly her own children seemed like an alien species.

      She continues….. “…….scientists used to believe brain development was pretty complete by age 10. …..that “a teenage brain is just an adult brain with fewer miles on it.”

      But it’s not. To begin with, she says, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really.

      “It’s the part of the brain that says: ‘Is this a good idea? What is the consequence of this action?’ ” Jensen says. “It’s not that they don’t have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they’re going to access it more slowly.”

      That’s because the nerve cells that connect teenagers’ frontal lobes with the rest of their brains are sluggish. Teenagers don’t have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or “white matter,” that adults have in this area.

      Think of it as insulation on an electrical wire. Nerves need myelin for nerve signals to flow freely. Spotty or thin myelin leads to inefficient communication between one part of the brain and another. Source: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468

      So, point one: a adolescent’s biological development is sometimes inadequate when making value judgements. So, it is easy to understand why teens are more vulnerable to using illegal drugs, peer pressure, are poorer drivers than adults, do crazy things, and are famous for feeling like they are invincible. That a child’s decision-making part of the brain is not fully developed until their early to mid-twenties is a fact of nature, and no one should feel guilty about that.

      Point two: I’m not taking a position on America’s War on Drugs, but did you know that an unintended consequence of that War is a likely increase of accidental overdose deaths by users. As an example, lets say the average purity of street heroin varies between 30% and 50% and that heroin that has been seized at the border has purity levels between 40% and 60%; this variation can lead people to suffer from overdoses as a result of the heroin missing a stage on its journey from port to end user, as each set of hands that the drug passes through adds further adulterants, the strength of the drug reduces, with the effect that if steps are missed, the purity of the drug reaching the end user is higher than they are used to and because they are unable to tolerate the increase, an overdose ensues….(source wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroin#Prescription_for_addicts ).

      So, accidental overdosing is real, for a number of reasons.

      Point three: ….there is a difference between a causal relationship and a correlated relationship. For example, let us say I said some hurtful, mean, nasty words to my best friend, and he drove off angry, stopped to get an beer, had an auto accident, and he died. No, my comment did not necessarily cause the accident, but occurred in a similar, correlated time frame. Now it very well could be that my comments were unkind, but what if he was also despondent over a breakup with his girlfriend, or if he was diabetic and had an accident because of the effects of too much insulin mixing with the drink? And what if he had purchased a safer car, or what if he had chosen to walk home, or take the bus or cab? What if he always got a beer at that time of day? What if he forgot to wear his glasses that day, or was temporarily blinded by someone having their bright lights on, or by someone texting? And what if the driver of the other car had better reflexes and could have avoided hitting him. And what if the car designers had only put in that extra safety device they debated about including on that model? Or what if EMS had gotten there earlier? Or what if it had not been raining when the accident occurred. Or what if his physical build was bigger and he could have survived the impact of the wreck? Or what if, like he was supposed to do, he had gone to get his hair cut rather than paying me a visit? But never mind all that, it is ALL my fault! I should’t have gotten him upset. Well, its pretty obvious there are too many factors for you to be blaming yourself, but that is what we sometimes do as humans. We feel guilt and sorrow and wish so badly things were different. And while its bad enough to beat up on ourselves, it is absolutely cruel to do it to someone else. Now, can you start to see how unfair and really mean it would be to make anyone feel responsible for another’s early passing, when, in fact, we can never know what other factors were contributing to the situation (and there are always many).

      And in Ryan’s case, what choice would he have made if the part of his brain where teens and young adults exercise judgement had been fully developed….would that have made a difference in his choice that evening? Surely we can’t blame his parents of the accidents of a child who does net have a completely developed adult brain. Or if he had been born in the 1950’s when drugs were almost nonexistent in the schools, then it would be unlikely that he would have had this accidental overdose, or even used recreational drugs at all. Or what if the drug he took was incorrectly processed that day, leading to his overdose, would that have been his or his parent’s fault? And, lets say the movies that Ryan was going out to see that night had not yet been invented? He wouldn’t have gotten together with his old using friends and had that fatal experience. Or, maybe if his choices on television were better he would have stayed home. Or if he had been sick in bed that night he might have not had the same fate. Or maybe if there had been no such thing as automobiles, then he would have stayed home that night. Or if his choice of drug were legal and monitored by a doctor he might have survived, as it might have been in some European countries. Or maybe if the people who were his using companions had never been born, or had overdosed themselves prior to Ryan meeting them. Or what if Ryan himself had been born a week earlier, and by a strange chain of events would never have met these fellow users to begin with? Or maybe if Ryan had been born with a stronger body he cold have survived the bad dose.. Or if his ancestors had never come to America…..he would still be on this planet. Or what if….??? …..Or what if?……. Or what if??????…….Or what if?????? …….Its a pointless discussion, as you can see. The fact is that there are so many factors that go into such an outcome, that it is pointless to even go there. Not only is it factually inaccurate to blame Ryan’s parents, but it is futile to do so, because the truth is complicated. It is human nature to want simple cause and effect answers, but as you can see here, it is not only completely wrong, it’s a waste of good time. I appeal to everyone to use the brain that God (or if you aren’t a believer….”nature”) gave you. And that brain includes, empathy, care, concern, and love.

      David, your concluding paragraph to the Robertsons was “Your rejection of Ryan lead to his depression and self hatred and drug abuse too.” [And by implication you are holding them responsible for his death.] You then continue “while you later accepted him your earlier failure still wounded his soul. His loss will stay with you.” [That is supposed to be comforting?] “And I feel very sorry for your pain.” [This seems so insincere, considering you just excoriated the parents.] I hope you and others who are tempted to make similar statements, will see, just based on the few FACTS of the real world I’ve listed above, that your comments are not only unhelpful and hurtful, they are completely without any basis in reality. Even a child who grows up in the most perfect situation in the world can go down the road of drugs and have overdoses. I have seen it over and over. Drug abuse is a huge social problem and no one is served by blaming the very people who made every effort to save him from its stranglehold. And Ryan’s recovery could have been successful, if it were not for one fateful night, and a multitude of random, and non-random events that caused it to end the way it did. The vast majority of rehabilitated users do in fact have some relapses. It often takes a while, but the since the addict learns from each relapse, they can finally break free. Ryan never got that continuing chance, but it wasn’t because of his parents. It could have been any and all of the factors listed above and a million more. When you are writing to anyone, whether in a blog or email, pretend you are speaking face to face. You might then be able to have some true compassion for people who have been through so much, and on top of that, have voluntarily opened up their lives in order to help others. There are blogs and web sites designed for people to vent their anger, and many political groups would welcome your fervor, but my understanding is that this blog is not a place to personally attack the very people who have admitted mistakes, learned, and grown from life’s challenges. I have a feeling you may not have intended to come across like you did. And I’m assuming you are fairly young and a little inexperienced in these matters. Please try to use compassion when writing on these kinds of blogs. Anger is a valid emotion when appropriately directed. This is not the place.

      • Brad, if nobody else reads your response, please know that Rob and I did, and it means the world to us. We know that our decisions played a role in Ryan’s self-hatred and pain, which led to his decision to use drugs to combat the pain (a decision he made before he started using, and very respectfully told us about). And the regrets we have do haunt us…what if we had responded differently, back when he was 12? Often it is our kids who remind us that Ryan’s story is so much more complex than that. BLESS YOU for speaking truth into our grieving hearts and for understanding addiction – it was heroin that took his life, and the lives of so many other beloved children of people we know. We are so thankful for you – just saved and printed out your entire comment.

35. How do I say sorry. Sorry for you loss and your pain and grieve? I cannot imagine what you must have and are going through.

    How do I say thank you? Thank you that the loss of your son and the courage you have had and still have in sharing his story is making a difference in lives.

    I want to ask permission to use it to help me come out to my parents. I have been struggling now for almost 20 years hiding from my family as I am too afraid they might hate me or get hurt. I can’t hide anymore, but I want my family in my life. If it is okay with you, I would like to ask permission to send this story to my mom before coming out. Not to emotionally blackmail her, but to show her that I just want them to be part of who I am and not love the lie I am now. I want them to be part of my whole life.

    I want ask permission to use this story also to show my family that God is more interested in relationship than in anything else.

    Although words are empty in themselves, know I am truly sorry for your loss and thankful for you courage.

    • Johan…I would be HONORED. If our story can be used to help your parents – in any small way – understand the pain you are feeling, and how much you need and value their love, then our loss is truly less painful. Ryan would have wanted us to use our journey – his journey – to help others. I will be praying for you, Johan…you are a BRAVE and BEAUTIFUL soul.

      • Dear Linda. Thank you for allowing your story to be shared. Is there at all a way I may contact you in private apart from the site? I want to share something personal that I think only you would understand. Martin

36. Dear Linda,

    I want to write you to thank you for your courageous and willing attitude to speak at Exodus Conference this year. I only just watched the video and could not hold back tears. Your son and I have walked a very similar journey, although I did not turn to drugs, I turned to promiscuity. I went through years and years of counselling, mentoring, reparative therapy, pray, casting out of demons, you name it, I went there because I loved my parents and wanted them to love me and accept me. In recent months I have told my parents that I am gay and not just “struggling with same sex desires”, and it has opened up some great honest dialogue between me and my Dad. He still does not understand that I can be gay and Christian, and I guess I can’t expect too much from him because I am just learning what that looks like. I still have so much within me that wants to rebel, because rebelling is easier.

    I don’t really know why I am writing this other than to say thank you. Your son’s life and death are not in vain. And a BIG thank you!

    God Bless and if you can, please say a prayer for me and my family as we try to navigate the crazy waters of being a Christ follower and being gay.

    Steven

    • Steven…wow…you are giving yourself AND your Dad grace and space to still be in process. I think that is incredibly beautiful. We WILL pray for you, Steven…this is such a personal journey between you and the Lord…and there is no easy way around it. But I do believe that there is freedom on the other side. I am hanging on to that hope for you!

      • Thank you Linda!
        I wept for you and your family when I watched your video at Exodus.
        Thank you for your encouragement and your prayers!

37. Hi Linda – I just wanted to say thank you for being willing to write about your son’s journey and your and your husband’s as well. I am a lesbian – raised in the church – the daughter of a Presbyterian pastor. I have warred greatly with my faith and sexuality. So much so, that after nearly 15 years together, my partner left me – simply bc I could not bring together the two things I knew I could not change. The last two years since April left, I have been forced to finally – once and for all – face and grieve and heal from the pain of trying to not be gay so that I could be a ‘good Christian’. It has been one kind of hell. But the turning point, the beginning of the change, was one night soon after April left me – I was at my lowest, suicidal – desperate – so angry – I told God that I bet He was happy – to see my life fall apart at the ‘consequence of my sinful lifestyle’ – and I tell you, Linda, all I could hear was ‘my heart is breaking for you.’ – What do I do with a God that turned out not to be the one I was running from? It is not easy. And I am truly thankful that families like yours have the willingness to talk openly about the pain and hope of your story. I just want you to know that I think you are brave and I KNOW, your son is looking down from heaven with chest-thumping pride for the impact his parents are making in this world.

    Julie

    • Thank you, Julie, for sharing YOUR story…it is one that truly spoke to me, and I know it will speak to others, as well. Much love!

38. I was speaking to my therapist on Tuesday last week about how I was having a hard time meshing my sexuality and my spirituality together. I grew up Pentecostal and was called to preach at the age of 22. I battled my feelings and my calling for 18 years now. I was sitting here last Wednesday night and started reading your story. It is always amazing to see how God can speak to you when you least think it possible. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I am also grateful that you and your husband are sharing your story.

    • Me, too, Chris..we miss Ryan like CRAZY…but we’re so glad God is redeeming our pain in this way. Much love to you!

39. Linda,

    It is strange that on my 23rd birthday (July 8), in the throes of my own coming out journey, that I should find your blog. The love that you show for your son Ryan is absolutely incredible. My own journey has been one of much inner turmoil, especially as I have begun the process of reconciling my faith with my homosexual orientation. Much as I would like to think that Scripture blesses monogamous same-sex unions, I, like Christopher Yuan, Ron Belgau, Wesley Hill, Matt Jones, Joshua Gonnerman, and Julie Rodgers, cannot find justification in the scriptures for such behavior. All of these men are celibate gay/bisexual Christians like myself and have chosen to live a life of celibacy. I find myself on a similar trajectory. Like Ryan, I find myself overcome with loneliness and struggling with the fact that I will never fall in love or have the intimacy and companionship that marriage offers. Every time I think of a mixed-orientation marriage with a woman or a committed same-sex partnership with another man, I face a crisis of conscience that is only resolved when I surrender my sexuality and desires for the future to the Lordship of Christ. Thus, at least for this time in my life, I find myself in the vocation of celibacy.

    What is most touching about your story is the fact that you acknowledge that you never allowed Ryan to explore his sexuality and faith on his own. The conclusions that I have listed above have only come about after many hours of pouring over the scripture, prayer, and reading countless documents on both points of view, affirming and traditional interpretations of scripture. For so long, I bought into the lie and false hope of “reparative therapy” looking for an easy way to “fix” this thing that is wrong with me. I bought into this because it was what my parents and church fed me and I accepted it as fact. Fortunately I have never taken part in a reparative therapy program and have come to learn the truth of this approach. However, these things only came about after I began looking into and learning about these things on my own.

    I know that there are many here who will not agree with my conclusions regarding scripture and homosexual practice. I am the first to admit that I am still very young and have much to learn on this subject. However, I beg that in our disagreements we can still honor and respect each other.

    Linda, thank you so much for your courage and being so open about you and Ryan’s journey. His story has spoken into my life and shows what love truly is. I know that your story has touched many lives, including mine. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and I will be praying for you and your family. Know that Ryan’s passing wasn’t “Goodbye” but a “See ya later”.

    Sincerely,
    Ryan Febles

    • Happy Birthday, Ryan…What a wonderful day for us to meet you! I love what you have shared, because you make such a good point about each of us having to process for ourselves (I especially think that is incredibly valuable for we who are parents to remember. Nobody is pushed into their own convictions, right?). It sounds like, though you are honest about the difficult of celibacy, that you are at peace that celibacy is what God is calling you to. (hey…saw my dear friend Julie in your list of guys – I am pretty sure she is WAY too adorable to fit that description! 😉 And you are calling us to a place where we need to be, a place where grace and respect reign, regardless of differences. Welcome, Ryan…so delighted that God created you, and brought you to this place!!

40. My heart breaks for your loss. As a mother, I cannot imagine the grief that you must live with. You have my love.

41. Dear Mrs Robertson,

    You and I are of markedly different skin colours, and we hail from different parts of this world – and I believe that culturally, a wide chasm exists between me and you. This sense of cultural unfamiliarity often governs the way I feel when reading articles or blog entries penned by people of your country.

    But this article of yours is just so transcendent, so poignant, I am typing to you now with a tearful face. Where I am at, homosexuality is regarded a crime, and there are numerous stories of LGBT youths who were treated violently by their family and peers, chased out of their homes, disowned – tragic stories which lead to suicides, depression … Even the stories which do not necessarily end in the death of peoples were similarly heartrending: loving couples were forced to breakup, LGBTs forced to marry a member of the opposite sex.

    I resent this country; I resent my parents as well for all their ignorance and bigotry which have been marshalled against me. My parents would never be as enlightened as you and your husband are; in that regard, I see little connection between your story and mine, but:

    The message, that four words with which you use as this article’s title, is just so powerful, so beautiful: Just Because He Breathes. Indeed, It is the fact that our loved one exists – that is enough to explain our love for the people we love. Why do we want to poison this sacred love by appending conditions the likes of ‘normal’ sexual orientation and whatnot? Why do we want to provide ourselves an avenue to stop loving the people whom we love?

    Perhaps I should practise such unconditional love as well: by loving my parents regardless of all their distorted views of me. Perhaps I should stop hating; perhaps it is time to love. No questions asked: they should be loved because they breathe.

    Now that your son has regrettably passed on, I still sense that your love for him has not dwindled one bit. Maybe, it isn’t the fact that he breathes that made you love and continue to love him, is it? You love your son, just because. And because that love is real, I believe you’ll find that your son isn’t exactly, gone; he lives in your heart. I can sense him in your voice, and your writing.

    God bless, and stay strong.

    Stranger from miles away.

    • Eason, I hope and pray that EVERYONE who reads this blog will find this comment…EVERYONE needs to read it. Rob and I are both weeping…When you said,”Why do we want to provide ourselves an avenue to stop loving the people whom we love?” I was speechless. EXACTLY. And then, the REAL kicker: “Perhaps I should practise such unconditional love as well: by loving my parents regardless of all their distorted views of me. Perhaps I should stop hating; perhaps it is time to love. No questions asked: they should be loved because they breathe.” Your humility and willingness to ask the hard questions is astounding to me.

      We are saving this…printing it out…THANK YOU! Your last paragraph was one of the biggest gifts anyone could EVER give us in a comment.

42. I never had children. My wife and I met while in a nursing home and she died after just eighteen months of marriage. I was born with a disability and still require a wheelchair. My parents were advised to put me into an institutional care but the refused. I was raised with my three brothers at home. I have always been an activist for equality and I would NEVER put conditions on the love for any child. Each story I hear of a gay child told to get out, you are not my son, or whom take their lives makes me sad and upset. I am upset about those that told kids like me that I did not require education about sex because the disabled will never have relationships too. I am for accepting all our children no matter what. If some homosexuals wish to live celebate so be it that’s their decision too. At the end of the day I believe Jesus taught us to love each other. One thing I believe upset me so much was that you already knew and accpted your brother for ten years. I believe it affected how I read the rest of your story. I felt that Ryan really expected a better first response. But I am sorry for your loss and wish you peace.

43. I felt like I couldn’t breathe by the time I finished your story about Ryan. I could relate so well, but for a different reason. It’s still about accepting your children as they are. My son was born with so many mental challenges, mental illness that no one could properly diagnose and treat. When he reached adolescence, we constantly fought about him taking the meds he was prescribed. His behavior was so erratic that we constantly sent him to his room. He had no friends–he was bullied at school. He ended up in a school for the emotionally disturbed, and we finally got the correct diagnosis. He has Asperger’s Syndrome. My son is brilliant, but could never connect with anyone. But he did end up attending public high school with his peers, fully integrated into the public school system. But all of the fighting with him, the criticism about his behavior, the constant sending him to his room–he ended up so angry and bitter that he left home. He stayed at a known drug house. I can so relate to the absolute fear of not knowing where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing. Finally his circumstances got so bad that he asked to move back home. Finally I understood that my constant harping on him led him to believe he had no value. I’m so grateful to God to give me another chance to love my son just because he breathes. His value system is completely opposite from mine: he has walked away from any kind of faith. But, that doesn’t matter to me at all. I believe that my son is valuable simply because he is here on this planet. I am wracked with guilt about his early years. I was following the advice of therapists, social workers, and psychiatrists. I wanted my son to have a normal and productive life. He has a good job, for which I am also grateful. He still has deep wounds and scars, but we are able to talk about it. He knows everything I did when he was a child was because I thought I was doing right by him. I realize now that I never listened to him. Well, I listen carefully to him all the time now. I have discovered that every person is uniquely designed by a loving God, and everyone has a story to tell. I feel suffocated at the very thought of the pain you experience at the loss of your son. But I agree with those who said that your beloved Ryan is very proud of your courage and your determination to make sure that his story is told. It is through each others’ stories that we become more humane. Thanks for sharing your story. The path of healing with my now 27 year old son continues–I make sure each and every day that he knows my love is unconditional, and that his life has purpose and value. Sorry this is so long.

    • Oh my goodness, Sheila…I relate to what you have shared so very deeply…both the awareness and the guilt, and the desire to love more fully going forward. I don’t try to never say, “if only…” or to not focus on what we did that was wrong; instead, as Nicholas Wolterstorff shared in “Lament for a Son,” I try to take each sorrow, each regret to Jesus, fully grieve it, and ask Him to redeem it…to bring good out of my ugliness. I am praying that for you tonight, Sheila. Much love to you…and your comment was not too long. It was PERFECT…just like your son.

44. I simply want to say thank you for sharing your story. I sure wish the ending had been different, but I believe with all my heart that this will make a huge impact on a lot of people who are going through this situation. God bless you for your honesty, and for your love for your son. And I’m sure Ryan is smiling from heaven because of the wonderful mother you are.

45. Your beautiful son lives on in your hearts, as much as he lives in the arms of God. It seems strange at times, but the one we least expect, the one we see as wanting in some way, is the one who leads us deeper on the journey of life. They turn out to be the ones who teach us how to love, they are the ones that show us how to discover the love of God. Be at peace, when your lives takes you to the next part of the journey, he will be there, for the both of you, and all those he loves.
    John Ryan, O.C.P. Chaplain of Rosehedge, Seattle

46. If only my own parents had the same understanding in their hearts as you do.
    Being from the Midwest and raised in a conservative family, my “coming out” was a rude awakening to their perception of a son they once loved.
    It’s been nearly a decade and I’ve not spoken to them. Nor will I ever again.
    At 33, it’s still hard. I’m parent-less only due to ignorance of perception from the outside and pressure from society.
    You know what changed on the day I came out? Nothing.
    I’m still the loving son that tries to be a good man, love everyone, say my prayers, hold the doors for people, and always say “Thank you.”
    Being gay isn’t as bad as not loving the child you brought in this world.
    Parents love is supposed to be unconditional. My love was.
    Luckily, the good Lord has made me strong, resilient, a fighter, and more importantly a believer. However, when I meet the good Lord one day, he has some explaining to do.

    God bless you folks and your family.
    -D

    • MDS, I love it when you said, “You know what changed on the day I came out? Nothing.” Because you ARE the same person you always were…perhaps just a bit more honest! I ache for you. And I am proud of you. And I ache for your parents who are missing out on having a relationship with such an incredible man.

    • I wish I could give you a big hug. The hurt you feel is terrible, and my words won’t change the pain, but it matters to me what happened to you. I am devastated that parents could turn away from their children. Unfortunately your story is repeated over and over again. And yet your pain is unique to you, and you must carry it with you in your own way. I hope that you get comfort from knowing that God loves you, and that plenty of us out here want to love you, too.

47. Thank you for sharing this incredibly moving account of your love for your wonderful son, Ryan. These are issues that effect more and more families. You’re not alone. I truly admire your volunteerism and activism (and will be contributing financially to those groups Linda serves, as listed at this site). I wish all the Robertsons peace, mercy, serenity, and courage. The photo of Linda giving her beautiful boy, Ryan, a kiss in the hospital is a modern-day pieta. You’ve already helped MANY people, probably more than you’ll ever know. And I want to offer what little moral support to you that I can in the face of any unwisdom or hurtfulness you may face as a result of your courage and generosity. Bless you all. Be at peace.

48. Linda,

    Thanks so much for sharing your story, and for loving your son no matter what. Your story will undoubtedly help countless families in many ways. I second the earlier recommendation to check out the Reformation Project (Matthew Vines). Carefully considering all sides on this issue is warranted and may help bring additional comfort to you. Peace and love to you and your husband!

49. I really hope other Jesus worshiping parents with homosexual children follow your story and are able to accept their children fully and unconditionally from the beginning. BEING ATTRACTED TO THE SAME SEX IS NOT WRONG. Any subtle hint that a parent thinks so will drive their children away. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I know my God has a big heaven for all people of any sexual orientation. And God wants you to continue to tell your story, especially to people that find being gay wrong.

    • Brian I am responding to you..hope that’s ok? I just have to say when I read that you say, “being attracted to the same sex is not wrong” it tweaks me a bit. It’s not right OR wrong it just IS! There is no control over who you are attracted to. Just like a straight person can’t be forced into being sexually attracted to the same sex. I also have to say as a parent of a gay son, it’s easier said than done when your child comes out to you to be instantly accepting. I’m sure there are many awesome parents and families out there who never gave it a second thought. I wasn’t one of them. It’s not that I wasn’t accepting. On the inside I thought, oh crap I don’t want to go through this. I thought of me and the ramifications of our relationships of family and friends. Many don’t know yet because my son told me it was his place to let people know so I am listening to him. I also told him if we lose friends or family because they are close minded it’s their loss. I honestly feel that way. Everyone who knows my son thinks he is absolutely awesome. If they change their thinking because he is gay..F@#* them. Ok sorry..thanks for reading.

      • Thanks, Connie, for writing as a parent of gay person. It is easy to forget our parents’ heads must be swirling upon learning the news. Yes, reconciling what they have been taught the Bible says with their child’s being gay is a challenge, but so are the other things they face, as you were good enough to remind us: how will my friends and family react to this news? Will they still love us, care about us, or will they ostracise us? How will this affect our church life and relationships? Its so ironic that these are the very questions we ask ourselves as gay people. And it takes some of us YEARS to figure it out! So knowing it has taken time to work through those feelings and issues ourselves should help us to realize that now parents have to go through a similar process, and THAT TAKES TIME. My dad handled it quickly “people will talk whatever you do” he used to wisely observe, so he never seemed too worried, though he was in business and he knew everyone in our small Southern town. Mom took it harder…she let me know she loved me, but she struggled in all respects…worried about the social implications for me, how hard it would be to for me to be gay in our society, and she also struggled with the impact of this on her social status, and even more on its challenge to her understanding of her faith. After all, this was the 1970s in the rural South. (and unfortunately, still the reality for many people today, in spite of progress on these issues). It took her a couple of years to fully meet life’s new challenge. My biggest regret was not being more respectful of this process. We all expect parents to be perfect but they are human just like us. So the way I see things there was plenty of need for forgiveness all the way around, and so it was. But in the end, we all came together in love and respect and my partner and I were treated with the same love and kindness as my sisters and their loved ones. We enjoyed so many dinners, weddings, new additions to the family, and special times together. My Mom stuck with us for the 34 years we’ve been together, untill her passing at 78 years old last year. What a legacy of love she left us. My dad asked my partner to give the eulogy at her Southern Baptist Church, which he did. That was a proud moment for me. And it spoke volumes about how she lived her faith in the real world, whether befrinding an old lady she found out was living in a shack not far from her, or defending a death row inmate she thought had been unjustly sentenced. There’s a big, happy payoff for all of us if we can give our familes the time to deal with the new reality we present to them when we “come out.” And while I’m not deluded into thinking it works out well for every gay child, it does for some, maybe even many, and Connie, we certainly needed to hear your message about all of the things you were dealing with as you countinued to love your son ” just because he breathes.” Thank you!

50. Hi Linda. Thank you SO much for sharing your story. I’m sure it will help out countless other families in similar situations.

    • I learnt four days ago that my son is gay and I’ve not stopped crying! I’ve been through the whole gamut of reasons for his sexuality, including blaming myself. He’s been living with his ‘secret’ for seven years and I can only imagine how hard it has been for him to keep it from me and his father. Your story has made me realise that I don’t want my son to stop being gay. I would rather have him than live without him, and if that means learning to accept his sexuality, then that’s something I will have to do. At the end of the day, he’s my son. He was born a boy, not a heterosexual boy, just a baby boy and to me he will always be my baby boy. I don’t for one moment think that the next couple of months won’t be difficult, I know they will, but at least I know I’m not alone and I need not be ashamed. Thank you Linda, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss, but your willingness to share your experience will help me overcome my own personal sadness and hopefully find the light at the end of the long dark tunnel that I see before me. We will all be OK. It will take time, but we’ll get there.

      • Sam…I am SO glad you found my blog…and that your son chose to tell you, as well. We’ve all been there…and it is okay to grieve that life will look really different from what you thought. Yes, he will ALWAYS be your baby boy…that is the love that he needs right now. Sam…you are NOT alone…if you’d like to join other moms who are going through the exact same thing you are, please find me on FaceBook and friend me…I am Linda Mueller Robertson there. We have a group of Christian moms who are journeying together as we learn to love our LGBTQ children just because they breathe.

      • I keep wishing everyone of you who is in pain were here. First you would, I hope, always know my arms are open, second you could be comforted by the true Christians, I am so blessed to be surrounded by.
        The last few years of my life have been so hard. I lost my most wonderful wife, I lost my faithful boxer, he had been right beside me for eleven years and then I lost my sister. My sister probably thought I did no wrong. The beauty of baby sisters. But through my faith and so many loving friends I am coming back. Those friends have all kept reminding me of the love God has for us.
        My church does that and I wish everyone had that.
        God bless,
        Edward

        Sent from my iPhone

      • being gay is like being left handed. Some people are gay ( 10 %) Get over it. Why does it bother you??

        • For people who have been raised to believe that being gay is a choice, it takes time for them to come to grips with reality. To tell a mom to “get over it” is not at all helpful. This mom has already said she loves her son and does not want him to change his orientation. For those of us who are devout Christians, we are in kind of a spiritual closet. To come out to people that you no longer believe homosexuality is a sin, is extremely difficult. This space is supposed to be a safe place for people to express themselves honestly, without recrimination. I’m disappointed in your attack on this very sincere mom.

      • Sam, from a gay man in Australia, I just want to give you a really big hug.
        Sheila, thanks for your comments, you make a lot of sense. Unfortunately some of us can forget that it takes time for people to change their understanding after believing something (and being told something) for so many years. For some of us it can be a long and rocky path to accepting our sexuality, and so I can only imagine how difficult it must feel when you don’t really have that first hand experience (if you know what I mean). It is really interesting to read that it is hard for you to come out of the closet saying that you do not believe homosexuality is a sin. It’s a perspective I had never thought of. Thanks for sharing.
        Linda- thanks for your blog and everything you are doing.
        I love you all.